Wildcat

by Rebecca Hutto

  “No, it’s okay. You saved my life. I’d rather be alive without being able to clawmark than be dead.” Yet she couldn’t stop the dull, misty orange aches of sadness from sinking in.

  ‘Never clawmarking again? I guess some might count that as a good thing. Tainu would. But now she won’t, because I killed her. But I’m alive right now, and I’m going home soon. Everything is as okay as it can be. Everything’s okay, everything’s okay, everything’s okay. Safe. I’m safe. Because everyone’s been so nice to me. I still don’t know why. I’ll have to ask about it sometime. This is more than just an experiment. It has to be.’

  “I’m glad you can understand,” Michelle said. “I’ve got to go help Lake now. Matt, how about you get some food ready? I skipped lunch today and I’m starving.”

  ‘Starving? But I know you ate that round thing before you left this morning. I guess you need to eat a lot. I hope you didn’t starve yourself to get my parts made. That would be bad. Unless Thai didn’t translate it right.’

  “Can do,” Matthew replied. Once Michelle left the room, he bent down and whispered, “She’s not actually starving. She’s being dramatic, as usual. I didn’t understand that saying when I was little, which is why I thought you might not have either. But if you did, good for you.”

  “Oh, okay. No, where I live, ‘starvation’ has a very different meaning from ‘hungry.’ ”

  “I imagine it does. I’m going to go make us people something to eat. You can entertain yourself. Just don’t scratch the furniture; it’s not good for your claws. Or Chell’s nerves.”

  “I won’t. Scratch the furniture, that is.”

  “Good,” he said, then he left for the forbidden-from-climbing area they dubbed ‘the kitchen.’

  Ember sighed and meandered over to the couch. She climbed up it, then perched herself on the back window.

  ‘Humans are funny creatures. Or, at least these are. I guess they must have had a domestic at some point. The litter box and bowls all look old. Unless they were made with dust and cracks, but that seems unlikely. Do all humans live in tiny groups like this? How do they function so well without parents or a commander to help them out or give them advice? Well, Lake obviously has parents, but she’s young. Guess they’re their own commanders. That must be nice. Or maybe they’re more like outsiders, forming little family groups to survive better. Hye said they were at war, didn’t he? How does that work with such tiny groups?’

  Ember flattened her ears. ‘I still don’t know. Humans are funny creatures, and they saved my life, and I’ll be grateful.’

  Chapter 15

  Ember

  “So, how are we doing this, again? And how do you know for sure you’ll put me in the same place I was found?” Ember asked.

  She yawned. Little starbursts of blue-green popped up the back her mind. Sleep had eluded her most of the night again. Unlike the previous few nights, however, it was excitement, rather than annoyance or unease, that kept her up. As foretold by her human friend, her fur was almost its original length again. With her claws, heating system, and ETAg in place, she could finally go back.

  “I already told you,” Michelle said as she slid on her jacket. “You’re going to get inside this carrier, and we’re going to ride to your home after I drop off Lake. And the lady who found you told us where you got hit. I know where it is. It’s going to be okay, Ember. I know you’re nervous, but asking me to tell you what’s about to happen, minute by minute, won’t do anything but make us take longer.”

  They’d spent part of the day before taking what Michelle had called ‘videos’ of Ember doing various things with her prosthetics. Michelle planned on using the footage to show what the mechanics could do, making others more likely to take the risk of trying them.

  “Where’s Matthew?”

  “He’s on his way to work. You literally said goodbye to him ten minutes ago. Now get in the carrier. We have to go.” She raised her voice, “Come on, Lake, we’re going to be late!”

  ‘Eleven. I know that, but why . . . never mind.’

  She padded into the dull grey cave of hard plastic. Her thoughts started to swirl with static again, but she bit her tongue and it stopped. No matter how hard she tried to break the habit, it always seemed it find its way back between her teeth.

  ‘This is it, this is it. I’m going home now. Home, home, home. Going home. This is good.’

  “Coming, Momma. Just a minute!” Lake replied from her room.

  As Michelle closed the metal bar door, Ember took one last look around the house, trying to memorize its flat wooden walls and funny carpet floor. She’d spent most of the past three days exploring it and planned to explore it again in her head. She could immortalize it in her mind’s eye just as she had immortalized the Glade and her family.

  ‘They’re going to be so surprised and happy to see me,’ she thought. ‘My resurrection might just give them enough hope and strength to pull through. And with Thai helping me, I can do so much more than I ever could being a regular border guard. And I can—oh!’

  They left the house, and as the cold air hit her, an equally chilling thought invaded her mind. ‘What if they aren’t happy to see me? What if they’ve already moved on and don’t like the idea of having to eventually mourn my death again. That would be mildly annoying, going through all that heartbreak only to find the one you were so sad for was alive and well all along. Guess that goes to show assuming only leads to miscalculation, which usually leads to something not great, but it’s not my fault they’re wrong. Of course, it’s also possible they know I’m still alive and am coming back, but that doesn’t seem likely. Especially if they know the humans have me.’

  Michelle hefted the carrier up into her vehicle: a long, green machine, like the things that ran the Wolf Trail. Ember eyed it warily as Lake jumped in after her. Michelle closed the door, then entered through the one in front of them. She sat down. Both humans strapped themselves to the seats.

  A new thought entered Ember’s head. Her throat tightened. ‘Oh tahg, what if they wanted me gone? Or, possibly even worse, what if they’re indifferent to my coming back? I didn’t account for that. Then the dramatic entrance I planned out last night would be useless and I won’t know what to do. Guess I could make a backup plan on the way there. Just in case.’

  “Take us to school,” Lake said. Ember couldn’t tell for sure, but she seemed a lot less enthusiastic than she’d been on the day they’d met.

  The vehicle grumbled to life, ready to obey. Without any further instruction, things started to stir. Ember peered out of her cage as the world seemed to move around them.

  “It’s noisy and almost as ancient as I am, but it’ll get us where we need to go. I will warn you that we will hit a few bad bumps along the way; the truck doesn’t handle them well, and there’s nothing I can do about it, so don’t stand up while we’re moving.”

  ‘Ancient, and almost as old as you? What’s your definition of “ancient?” ’ Ember thought. “How long do you people live?”

  Michelle laughed. “Our average lifespan is about seventy years. It’s actually dropped recently, believe it or not, but that’s just the average. My great grandmother is still alive, and she’s a hundred and ten—older than your breed.”

  “Seventy?” Ember asked. “A hundred and—Tahg, that’s long. I’ll be lucky if I reach twenty. How old are you?”

  She laughed again. This time it was more of a gentle chuckle. “Thirty-six. This pickup belonged to my parents, and is thirty-one. Lake here is—”

  “I’m ten,” Lake said softly.

  “Heh, I’m the youngest one here,” Ember said. “But really, you shouldn’t feel old. You’ve still got about half of your life left, and it’s more than all of my life. You’ll probably outlive me by years.”

  “I don’t know,” Michelle said. “I found a grey hair a few days ago. But you’ve definitely put my life in perspective. I’ll have to remember that.”

  “What? That I’m most
likely going to die before you? I guess if it makes you feel better, go ahead and remember it.”

  “No, that’s not what I . . . oh, never mind, you little silly.”

  ‘Silly?’ The conversation had taken her mind off the internal aches and anxieties her brain kept spitting out, but with its dull, morbid end, they all came flooding back. She bit her tongue until she remembered how pleasant gnawing on her toes had been and switched to chewing on them instead. The pickup stopped at a loud place with more small people. Most of them were noticeably larger than Lake. Lake got off and the door shut behind her before Ember could even say ‘goodbye.’

  “Have a good day, sweetie,” Michelle called after her through an open window.

  Lake didn’t reply, and instead watched in silence as the truck pulled away. Ember watched her get smaller until they turned, causing trees to obstruct her from view. She was an interesting little human. Ember wished she’d gotten to know her better, but she’d spent most of her limited time at the house in her room, usually working on homework.

  “I don’t blame her,” Ember said after a minute of silence.

  “For what?” Michelle asked.

  “Not wanting to go there. I’m no good with expressions, but I can usually tell when someone isn’t happy. And looking at and listening to all those other people, I can understand why.”

  “She’ll be fine, Dr. Ember. She just gets nervous. Now let’s get you home. Take us down Meadow Ridge Road.”

  ‘Doctor? Isn’t that what Hye is? I’m not a doctor. I’m not even a healer. Hum, you humans are really confusing creatures. Oh, thinking of confusing, this may be your last chance to talk to her without calling her. If you want the answers to their mysteries, you should probably ask now. It’s more polite that way, I think.’

  “Hey, Michelle? Can I ask you some questions?” Ember asked.

  She smiled and turned her seat to face her. “Sure, we’ve got time. Ask away.”

  “Why . . . why are you being so nice to me? You, and Hye, and Matthew. You all did so much just to help someone you didn’t even know, and I don’t know why. I, er, I want to know why.”

  Her smile disappeared. “Well, there’s no easy answer to that, because, like with most decisions in life, there’s more than one reason to consider for each person involved. I had reasons, Hye had reasons, and Matt, well, he just got dragged along for the ride. This wasn’t his project, though he did help. Now, I don’t mean to sound cold, but you weren’t the main factor in most of our decisions. When we saved your life, we weren’t being nice, we were being professional. When I took you home to recover, that was for the sake of making things easier on me. Don’t take it the wrong way; I really do care about you, but in this case, I will admit I was more concerned about my benefits than yours.” She leaned back in her seat and gazed out the nearest window. “To be perfectly honest, the only selfless thing I’ve ever done for you is taking you back home, and I haven’t even done that yet.”

  ‘So she was doing it for herself.’ Ember rested her chin on her paws. The new heating system inside them made them warm, but not feverish. She took a moment to gather her words together, as Matthew had suggested she do. It was hard sometimes to not speak or act automatically, but when she slowed down, she found herself responding more clearly. “At least you’re being honest. I still appreciate your help, though, even if it also helped you. Not all help has to be selfless. So how much longer will it take to get there?”

  “It’ll be a while. We’ve got time to keep talking, if you like. I’m sure you’ve got more questions.” Michelle said. She kept looking out the window. When Ember didn’t reply, she continued, “While I don’t think it’s really my place to tell you why Hye did what he did, I will tell you I also had reasons aside from work and money. You probably already figured this out, but I used to have an appala mix. She was rescued alongside Yegor from someone who was illegally breeding appala-domestic hybrids under unspeakable conditions. It was one of those places we would call a ‘kitten mill.’ We had quite a battle with ARC, trying to keep them, but that’s not the point. The point is, we got her—me and Matthew—before Lake was even born, and we had her until about three years ago. Best cat ever. No offense. I’ll admit I’m biased, but you do remind me of her. You remind me of her a lot, and in so many ways.”

  She breathed out slowly through her mouth. “She got outside the house one day, and since we live in the middle of nowhere, the roads don’t have safety tunnels around them. She was exploring and wandered onto the road and . . . not unlike you, she got hit. The technology we needed to save her has existed for many, many years; longer than I’ve been alive, but it was just too expensive, and . . . and there was a high probability she wouldn’t . . . make the surgery.”

  She sniffed quietly and rubbed an arm against her eyes. “So, we talked it over a lot . . . Matt, and me, and her . . . and we all decided it would be better to let her go in peace. Instead of risking so much for such a small chance. I wish . . . we could have taken that chance, but at the time we just didn’t have the money. Lake had been sick for a really long time that past year, and treating her had exhausted all our funds. We were in a lot of debt, and at risk of losing our home, so we just . . . couldn’t. Hardest decision I ever made. And then you came along—someone I could save. So I did.”

  ‘Deciding to die,’ Ember thought. The truck went over a bump, making her head slam against the side of her carrier. She winced and straightened herself up. ‘Ow. Deciding to let someone die. That must have been hard. What was it like, agreeing to let herself be killed? Did it hurt so much that dying seemed like mercy? Was it peaceful? Or was she afraid? If so, how afraid? I know I’d be scared, saying yes, that I’m okay with dying. No one knows what it’s really like, because no one’s ever come back to share. That alone is terrifying.’

  Michelle smiled, despite the lone tear dripping from her chin. “She actually did the Felid voices for the translators we’ve been using to talk. Her and Yegor, with a lot of help from Hye.” She chuckled. “I had to trust that they weren’t ruining it, but so far no one’s complained about inaccuracy, so I suppose they did a good job. I’m not surprised, though. She was a good little cat. Yegor’s a good little cat, too.”

  “What was her name? The cat, I mean,” Ember said.

  “Thai,” she replied. “Her name was ‘Thai.’ And now you know where your AI gets its name. In hindsight, I really shouldn’t have named it that, because it only makes all this that much harder on me, but it is what it is.” She took her glasses off, wiped the tears from her eyes, then cleaned the glasses with her shirt. “We’re getting closer, I think, so if you have any other questions, you may want to go ahead and ask them.”

  Ember thought for a while. There were questions she wanted to ask—she knew there were—but she couldn’t remember any of them. So she remained silent.

  And then there it was: home. Her mountain and her fields, it was all there. Dull, grey, and half-dead, but it was all hers.

  “This is it! This is it! You found it, you really did. Oh tahg, I really am going home,” she mewed.

  “Pull over,” Michelle instructed.

  The pickup veered off the road again. It sputtered to a stop near the metal fence. Michelle opened the door, picked up the carrier, then set it down in the frosty grass. She opened up the cage and leaned back. Ember crept to the carrier’s edge to sniff the ground. It even smelled familiar: all earthy and cool. She set a paw on the place she sniffed. The melty snow made it feel different from how she remembered it, but the ground was still her own.

  She crept out of the carrier, examining the grass as she walked. Frigid air hit her side. The mountain breeze toyed with her whiskers. Fresh and freezing oxygen filled her lungs as she drew in a long, deep breath.

  “I guess this is the part where we say our goodbyes and go our separate ways,” Michelle said. “I’m glad I got to meet you, Ember. I wish the circumstances we’d met under had been better, but I’d say as it is now that we
needed each other.”

  Ember forced a smile. “Yeah, I guess so.”

  “Is there something wrong, sweetie?”

  “I don’t know.” Ember pushed her paws together and tried to look out over the fields. Coyote Rock and a few trees loomed over the barrier. “I’m going home, yes, but home has changed. My commander is dead, and my cousin is dead, and other than them, I don’t know who survived the fight and who didn’t. When I go back, I’ll know, and I can’t pretend they’re alive anymore.” She shivered slightly as the wind picked up. “The night I got hit, there was a battle between my colony and the East. Now there’s probably going to be a war, and I’m not ready for that. I do want to go home, but I don’t know how much home there will be left for me to go to. I’m not ready to know, and I’m not ready to fight. I’m . . . Michelle, I’m scared.”

  Michelle sat down, knees against the grass. She held out her hand. Ember pushed her head against it, inviting her to pet her, which she did.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Michelle whispered. “You’ve got a lot going on out here, don’t you? Knowing will be hard, sweetie, but it’ll help you sleep tonight. You won’t have to worry anymore. Remember what I said about being scared? You can’t let that fear hold you back from moving forward.”

  “But what if they aren’t happy to see me? And what will they think of this?” Ember lifted a paw to her face. The heating grid glowed a faint caring orange beneath her synthetic skin. The colors of her legs, aside from the glow, looked like her own, and there were four of them, but the resemblance ended there. She was half machine, and she looked half machine. She shuddered.

  ‘Which one will they see me as? Cat, or machine?’ she thought. “I don’t care what I look like, because I don’t look at myself, but what if they’re scared of me? I don’t look like me, and I’m the one who killed Tainu. What if Hyrees doesn’t love me anymore because I can’t have kittens, and look like this, and did that? There’s so much silver. The mist is too thick; I can’t see.”