Not the Girls You're Looking For

by Aminah Mae Safi

  There was an eerie quiet on the other end of the phone. Then Emma said, quietly, “Seriously?”

  “Of course, seriously,” said Lulu. “Why, did you commit a murder or something?”

  “No. But, I have something to tell you.”

  “What is it? I know it’s been off, but I swear I can make it better,” said Lulu. She had to. Everything had gone sideways; maybe if she could get this one thing right, the sensation that her world was sliding out from under her would stop. Lulu wasn’t sure if that was the superstition or her lousy hope threading through her again.

  Lo would be good at this. She would be fantastic at making a plan. I’d love to know what your wonderfully ironic prank is. Lulu had thrown that in Lo’s face when she’d been mad. But now she needed a wonderfully ironic prank. When she had screwed up with Auntie Salwa, Lulu had been told to show up and make amends. She wished she could prove she was willing to show up for Emma. For Lo. And even for Audrey. Hell, she wished she could get Dane not to show up, at school, in her life anymore.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been awful to you. I’ve left you guessing when you were in such a mess. I was being selfish,” Emma said.

  “No, really, you don’t owe me an apology. I’ve been such an asshole to you recently. If I were you, I’d avoid me, too. And hang out with freshmen. Scratch that, and hang out with literally anyone else. I set you up with Brian. I left you with him. Alone. I abandoned you at Halloween. Then I forgot you. And then I let being mad at Audrey keep me from honestly apologizing. God, that’s stupid when I say it out loud. I’m sorry. For all of it. Please let me make it right.”

  “I’m not avoiding you. Not to hang out with freshmen. I mean, I have been avoiding you. And I have been hanging out with a freshman. Oh, shit. Lulu. I’m not hanging out with Diana. We’re dating.”

  “Diana?” asked Lulu. “Who’s Diana?”

  “The freshman. Bangs. At Battle of the Bands. You saw me looking over, and you were right to assume I had a crush, but you got it wrong with who it was. Not Brian. Diana Agrawal.”

  Lulu could only think of everything she’d ever said about Bangs. A running, horrible catalog of the things that had flown out of her mouth from B: calling her Bangs to S: implying she was slutty. Lulu said the only thing that made sense. “She does have great bangs.”

  “Lulu, be serious.”

  “I’m totally serious. She has great bangs.”

  “I’m dating a girl,” said Emma.

  “Okay.” Lulu could hear the faint murmur of an ad for some new series running.

  “Okay? That’s it?” said Emma.

  And Lulu knew she had to say something real, something serious, so that Emma knew that Lulu was on her side. “Look, I’m figuring out I’m a self-absorbed asshole most of the time. Now that you’ve told me about Diana, it all makes sense. I feel like kind of an idiot for not figuring it out sooner.”

  “You are kind of an idiot,” said Emma. There was a pause. “Please don’t tell anyone yet.”

  “Okay,” said Lulu.

  “I’m serious, Lulu.”

  “I promise,” said Lulu.

  Emma sighed her relief. “I thought you were going to make me fill in Lo or Audrey.”

  “Who, me? Sometimes secrets need to belong to who they need to belong to.” A pit welled inside Lulu—not guilt. Another feeling Lulu had no name for. She should tell Emma. About Halloween. About Dane. About the fight with Audrey. Emma’s brave honestly threw into stark relief Lulu’s own cowardice. But she held on to it for a little while longer.

  “Can I ask you a question?” said Lulu. “Which you don’t have to answer, by the way.”

  “Sure,” said Emma.

  “How long have you known?”

  Emma laughed, breezy and relieved. “God. Ages.”

  “Then,” Lulu wanted to phrase the next bit carefully. “Is there a reason you didn’t tell any of us? Did we do something? I hope I never said anything that made you uncomfortable.”

  “Apart from making fun of my girlfriend’s bangs?” Emma laughed. “Honestly? It’s always been hard, when you’ve assumed I liked guys. It made the truth get stuck. Like I was coughing on it.”

  “I’m so sorry,” said Lulu. “And for trying to set you up with Brian. I’m just so sorry.”

  “I know,” said Emma. “I’m not mad anymore. I was. I didn’t like anyone, not really, and I thought I could make it through high school and I could go off to college and be safely anonymous.”

  “Well, if you do tell her, Lo’s going to be so insufferable. You totally bagged the hottest freshman girl.”

  Emma laughed. It was a good sound to hear. “Lulu!”

  “What? You know that’s exactly what she’d say.” Lulu ached to hear Lo say it. She ached to have Lo heckle Emma and then have Lo run her hands through her annoyingly perfect hair. She missed Audrey piping in with an irritating correction. She missed their camaraderie; she missed their fighting. She’d missed their fierce friendship for much longer than she’d wanted to admit, even if it also drove her to contemplate drinking warm tequila in the back of an ugly, cramped car. If she’d been honest with herself, she’d have thought it ages ago.

  She missed it, but she wasn’t even sure how it had all broken in the first place.

  “You know, now that you say it, I do know that’s what Lo would say.” Then after a long silence, Emma said, simply, “I’m scared.”

  “It’s okay to be scared,” said Lulu.

  “Easy for you to say,” said Emma. “You’re not afraid of anything. You’ve faced down Audrey’s mom after taking shots. You jump into pools to save people from drowning. You called me when you were done waiting for a reason why I’d run away. You’re the bravest girl I know.”

  Lulu yearned for that to be true. “Emma. I’m terrified. All the time.”

  “You are not.”

  “I am. I’m afraid we’re not all going to be friends again. I’m afraid I messed it all up. I’m afraid everyone thinks I’m a big slut because I make out with every boy who comes along. I’m afraid that means nobody believes me anymore. I’m terrified of being alone. I mean, I fucked up with you, with Audrey. With Lo. I’ve been miserable. What if I pushed you all away forever? And you, you keep the peace. We’re at each other’s throats half the time, and you break the tension like a puppy. Okay, that was a terrible metaphor, but…” Lulu took a deep inhale. “You’re the glue, Emma. None of us work right without you.”

  Emma was quiet for a moment. “I’ve seen you say no.”

  Lulu laughed. “Thank you for that rousing vote of confidence.”

  “Lulu, this is different,” said Emma.

  And Lulu knew it was. Circumlocution was the big, fancy Sealy Hall way of saying what Lulu had done. Talking around what you didn’t have clean, direct language for. “What are you going to do?”

  Emma sighed. “What’s gonna happen to me, Lulu? This is still Texas.”

  “I don’t know. But I do know you can’t give in to fear.” Lulu had done so too many times recently to count. She didn’t know how she would be done with the fear, but she knew deep in her bones that she needed to be. That she had to find peace or she would be at war with herself forever.

  “What do you know about it?” asked Emma.

  “Nothing. Everything. I don’t know yours, but I know mine. Live your life, Emma. I mean, if you want we can give you a big fanfare and throw a parade. Or you could live your life the way you want to. Sometimes that is big and scary enough.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “I know. For the rest of my life, people are going to think I’m a terrorist,” said Lulu, trying to explain. Neither was interchangeable with the other, but she couldn’t use a borrowed language to speak of what she knew.

  “Only crazy people,” said Emma.

  “True. But those people are loud, and they can be violent. And I’m afraid of them.” Lulu had never admitted as much out loud. It made her a little jittery. And then she took a d
eep breath and she felt calmer, more stable. The fear didn’t stop waving through her, but it was becoming slowly more manageable. She was more than her fear. “I can’t go around proving I’m American to everyone I meet. That’s too exhausting. And I’m Arab, too. It’s in-between. I’m in-between. It doesn’t come with a neat package or a name or a support group. It just is. I can’t change it. And even if I could, I wouldn’t. Not really.”

  “You wouldn’t?”

  “No. I don’t fit. And sometimes that’s the worst—knowing I’ll never fit; nowhere will ever feel comfortable and nowhere will ever accept me all the way. There’s no rulebook, and I have to make it all up as I go along. But it also means I don’t have to play by anyone else’s rules. Play by your own rules, Emma. You may get hurt and people will probably still be awful regardless. I can’t tell you to risk your safety. I can’t tell you when. But I do know at some point, you’ve got to know where you stand with yourself. At least then you won’t regret that you played by everybody’s rules but your own.”

  “You make it sound so easy. You’re so good at that. At speaking up.”

  “Me? I’m shit at it.” Lulu’s stomach lurched in that familiar way that made her close her eyes and take a breath. “I’ve been trying for ages to work up the nerve to tell you Dane put his hands all over me on Halloween and that’s why I left you. I was too dazed and hurt to process anything more than what was right in front of me. That he toyed with Audrey to get back at me for saying no. That at the end of the day, if I’d left him alone, none of this would be happening. And we’d all still be able to sit together at lunch.”

  “No,” said Emma. “That’s not true. That’s not your fault.”

  “I played with fire,” said Lulu. “I know I did.”

  “I refuse to let you feel sorry for yourself, Lulu Saad. We gotta make a stand on the beach. Both of us.”

  Lulu groaned. “Like in this stupid movie? I tried that—that’s why Audrey and Lo aren’t speaking to me. I tried to choke him. You make a stand. I’ll stay safe in my room.”

  “This movie isn’t stupid. You know it isn’t. And from what I heard, you’re not speaking to Audrey, and Lo isn’t speaking to you. I won’t make a stand if you won’t. You don’t get to talk a big talk at me and do nothing.”

  “Don’t hitch your wagon to mine. It won’t work. And even if it did work, no plan would work without Lo.”

  “Thank you for the rousing vote of confidence,” said Emma.

  Lulu sighed. “Unless you know how to fake a teacher’s signature, we’re up a creek. Lo’s the only one I know who can. I’ve thought about it six ways to Sunday. I can’t attack him openly. And he’s got social advantage. His only weakness is his attendance record.”

  Lulu could swear she heard Emma smile. But it didn’t matter, because a moment later Emma broke into a laugh.

  “What?” asked Lulu. “What is it?”

  “Where do you think Lo learned to forge teachers’ signatures?” asked Emma, and Lulu was reminded to never underestimate Emma Walker.

  Lulu stood up and dug through her schoolbag. Inside were all sorts of items—scissors, notes, hair ties, books, folders, receipts from tacos she’d eaten and milkshakes she’d drunk, movie ticket stubs, and a couple of shampoo bottles stolen out of hotels. Lulu kept all sorts of crap. She told herself she liked to be prepared for anything, but she knew that was an excuse. She simply collected the debris of her life with little thought and less care.

  But it was finally coming in handy. Lulu found the slips she had been looking for—the ones she had filched from the office all those weeks ago on a whim—and told Emma her plan.

  23

  Midnight Madness

  The plan was this: to win on a technicality. Dane Anderson had looks, good breeding, and money. What Dane Anderson lacked was an attendance record. It wasn’t much of a weak point, true. He was the sort of boy who was not so much seen as blameless but more so that he was easily forgiven for his sins. But the sin of truancy was the cumulative kind. The kind with compounding interest. One missed class was nothing. Ten missed classes, after four years of spotty attendance, in the semester leading up to graduation—well, that was something Lulu could work with.

  But she couldn’t work with it alone.

  Lulu’s plan was much like setting up a trail of dominoes. Too close together and she would topple her own structure. Too far apart and none of the falling dominoes would knock one another over. Emma had some theories about that. She said she’d enlist Diana’s help. The magnitude of Emma’s forgiveness made Lulu’s heart swell and gave her the sensation that anything was possible.

  Even revenge on Dane Anderson. And possibly a way to bring the gang back together again. Because she could pull them all back together with this play. Everything had started going sideways at Halloween. She saw that now. And Lulu knew the best way to get everyone working together.

  It was a wonderfully ironic prank, at its core, and Lulu hoped it would make Lo proud.

  And just as Lulu hung up with Emma, she got a message. Hey. It was James.

  Lulu typed, this is so much better than a call.

  I know he sent back followed quickly by That and I’m afraid your phone will ring around your mom

  Lulu laughed. scared?

  Petrified

  Lulu nodded. understandable

  Excellent because my mom’s sick, but she had tickets to go see Monty Python and the Holy Grail at the midnight movie tonight, wanna go?

  is there an answer other than yes?

  I mean. There’s no.

  i’m not saying no

  Are you saying yes?

  yes. if I can get out of the house.

  You in trouble? From the other day?

  :) Not from the other day. from life in general? all sorts of trouble

  I’ll pick you up at 11 if you’re out on good behavior

  excellent. good pick btw

  I know.

  That smug son of a bitch. Not only did Lulu love that movie, she had missed out on its past two midnight showings, due to each being sold out. howd you know

  I figured if you’re into weird arty French movies, you might be into weird British humor. Plus, I got the last two tickets.

  Lulu had him now. thought they were your moms tickets

  See you at 11, Lulu

  At the top of nearly every roller coaster she’d been on, Lulu closed her eyes as she heard the final clicks ticking down. In that moment, when the car hung suspended by the gravity that pulled on either end, Lulu felt more nervous than at any other point in the ride—worse than dropping or looping upside down, worse than careening to a halt and getting stuck on the ride during unscheduled maintenance. It was the only point on a roller coaster she thought she might vomit. The feeling was remarkably similar to the one she was experiencing as she thought about her date.

  Her mother had eyed Lulu suspiciously when she’d asked to go to the midnight movie that evening. But school was out for winter break and Lulu had been ungrounded.

  “I thought you didn’t have any friends,” her mother had said.

  “This isn’t a friend,” Lulu had said.

  “Then who is it?”

  “A boy,” had been Lulu’s response.

  Her mother hadn’t liked that. “You want me to let you out with a boy for a midnight movie when you should be grounded? Do I look like I was born yesterday?”

  “I figured as much. But it was worth a shot.” Lulu had turned to go then.

  Her mother sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

  “I didn’t say no. You’ve held up your end of the bargain. And as long as you keep going to Dina’s to help with Tanya’s wedding, you’re allowed to go out.” She didn’t sound happy about it, but Lulu’s mother was a believer in fairness and bargains. A lawyer through and through. She’d not go back on a contract, even a verbal one. That was where Lulu had learned to respect the spirit of the law, over the letter.

  And so Lulu was going o
ut. She was sure she’d gotten away with something, but she knew she’d pay for it tomorrow when Tamra was ignoring her and Dina was hissing at her and the aunties who weren’t her aunts were feeding her food she wasn’t hungry for and tea she wasn’t thirsty for.

  James was on time. Not early, not late. Right on time. There was something unnerving about that. Unnatural, even. Lulu hopped into the passenger seat of the old Datsun. She buckled herself in.

  “Wanna grab some food beforehand?” James turned, and his eyes were focused on her so intently Lulu had an impulse to look away.

  “I really like movie theater popcorn. Like, I love eating so much of it I make myself sick. So I like to save room.”

  “All right. I won’t make you share.” James smiled. It was a warm, wide expression that gave Lulu the impression she was understood.

  But can he be trusted? whispered that slithering part of her mind. Lulu shook off her nerves. “What’s your mom like?”

  James barked a laugh. “I think you might be the best weirdo I’ve ever met.”

  “You said we were using her tickets!” said Lulu, rather lamely.

  “Nah, don’t feel bad. You’re full of surprises, that’s all. She’s strong. She’s quiet, so it’s not always obvious to everyone.”

  The idea of that made Lulu laugh herself. “Lord. And my mom’s a spitfire. Or a pistol. Maybe both. It’s very obvious.”

  James nodded, because he’d seen Aimee Saad in action. “What about your dad?”

  “I used to eat oranges with my dad,” said Lulu.

  “Used to?”

  “When I was little. I’d curl up on his lap and get him to peel one for me.”

  “Did he ever get a bite?”

  Lulu laughed. “Yes. But I did take most of it.” There was a pause, and Lulu thought she should tell him. About making up with Emma. About what she was about to do to keep Dane out of her life for good.

  “You do know how to take advantage, don’t you?” His voice teased, but it took the buoyancy out of Lulu’s thoughts.

  “I guess I do.” Lulu shrugged.

  “Sorry. That came out all wrong. Again,” said James.

  “You’ve got a talent for it.”