Not the Girls You're Looking For

by Aminah Mae Safi

  And then her father called her from the other room.

  “Ya habibti, how did your day go?” Her baba was sitting in his chair in the living room, casually eating an orange and reading a piece from this morning’s paper that he hadn’t had a chance to finish before leaving for work.

  “Fine.”

  “I sent in the final draft of my book,” he said.

  “Great.” Lulu swung the fridge doors between her hands, like it was a magic trick that would manifest food.

  “Are you hungry?” asked her baba.

  “Sure,” said Lulu unthinkingly.

  “Good!” Her father clapped his hand onto his knee, then stood up forcefully. He wasn’t a large man by any standard. Indeed, he had the slight build one might imagine of the bookish one that he was. But his physical presence was imposing, impossible to ignore.

  And that’s how Lulu found herself in her car, driving her father to grab a second milkshake. Lulu drove, wondering if she would wake up soon, or if this is what people referred to when they talked about out-of-body experiences. As Lulu moved into the left-hand lane to turn into the drive-through, a purple cabriolet pulled up and began turning right. It could have been anyone’s ugly, impractical, purple convertible.

  But it wasn’t. It was Audrey’s.

  Lulu turned, her car trailing behind Audrey’s. She watched Audrey’s brake lights go on, then back off again. For a moment Lulu just stared. Then a horn sounded behind her and she realized she was holding up the whole line. She pulled her car forward to order. Lulu turned, giving her baba a deer-in-the-headlights look.

  “Vanilla,” he stated plainly.

  “One vanilla, and one chocolate, please.” Lulu pulled her car through as instructed, all the while wondering if Audrey, still in front of her, was also getting a milkshake. But Lulu couldn’t see what was being handed out the next window before Audrey pulled away.

  Lulu’s father graciously handed her cash. She paid, then drove forward to the window Audrey was just at. Lulu took the shakes and exited the lot. She slurped hers steadily, at a loss for what to do or say next. Her baba sipped his and remained quiet.

  Lulu wanted to be brave. She wanted to be the girl who could talk to her father again. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she was too wounded for too long to be sure of how to begin. She spoke for all these reasons and despite them all. She spoke what she had to, what she had always been afraid of, what she thought belonged to no one but herself. “You know. I’m sorry. That you had to deal with me. With what I said. To Auntie Salwa. To you.”

  “No,” he spoke with quiet command, in a language he had made his own.

  Lulu stared over at her father, her mouth gripping her straw and her eyes wide.

  “I want you to know who you are, Lulu. Not for myself, for you.”

  “But, Baba, how am I supposed to learn who I am from articles? Why can’t you tell me? Why can’t you talk to me?” She chomped down on her milkshake straw, and she focused with such determination on the road that she began to lose sight of it.

  “Do you know why I named you Leila?”

  Lulu was too busy holding on to the tears pooling at her eyes to shake her head yes or no, though she thought she knew the origin story of her name. Four blocks from her house, Lulu pulled over. She could no longer see much beyond the wheel in front of her. She missed Audrey. She missed when talking to her father was easy. Or at least simple.

  “I told you about the story of the lovers, Leila and Majnoon, when you were a little girl. Our older version of Romeo and Juliet. I told you it was that famous story throughout the Muslim world. I told you about that beautiful Iraqi song. But I never told you why I gave it to you.” He paused for dramatic effect. Professor Saad knew how to draw his audience in, luring them with enough detail to make them wonder what might come next.

  Lulu sniffled loudly, blinking away as many would-be tears as she could. She would not cry. She was fine. She was going to make sure everything was fine. She had to.

  “I nearly named you Zeyneb. Both of these women cut a tragic figure. They have so much pain in their lives. But they are also eternal. They live on. People speak their names with reverence, with awe. I wanted to give you such a name like that, one with power, a name with history, a name with some weight—with baggage, I think.” He looked his daughter directly in the eye, so there would be no mistake about what he said next. “I wanted that for you, because it gives you something to build on, to take and make your own. Everyone needs a foundation. Your name is yours, Lulu. Make it your own.”

  Lulu, belted into her seat as she was, jumped out, reaching across the center console and the gearshift to hug her father. Surprised, though pleased, he reciprocated. She pulled away, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands. She sniffled back snot.

  “Mama’s never going to let us go out alone together again, when she sees us.”

  “Luckily, she is at work,” said her father. He grinned a conspiratorial grin.

  They had a secret now. Funny that Lulu had been allowed so many with her mother and none with her father.

  “You know, my baba and I, we used to go and get ice cream together, in the summers. There was this one ice cream shop.” Her father launched into a story that Lulu had heard a million times. Now a million and one.

  She was thoroughly annoyed as she listened, wanting to jump in and correct him where he changed details, or when he missed important plot points. She could appreciate her annoyance, though, in a way she hadn’t before. She thought then that irritation is sometimes the most honest way of expressing love.

  25

  Goddess of the Hunt

  The end of winter break should not have surprised Lulu. It had been marked on the academic calendar for a full year in advance. And yet, the rhythm of school again was startling, nearly painfully so. Audrey was still mad enough at Lulu to continue to refuse to apologize. Or, as was likely the case, think about what she’d done. Lulu might as well have been dead as far as Lo was concerned. But that was to be expected. Photos of Lo started to crop up. Lo with a group of boys, Scumbag Luke beside her. It was a bold series of photos—they had never been seen together so flagrantly before. But perhaps Lo was growing bold. Or perhaps she just wanted to rub her absence in Lulu’s face. It worked. A new pang of regret and longing hit Lulu squarely in the chest every time she saw a new photo.

  Currently, Lo was half the hallway down and refusing to turn her body in the direction of Lulu’s locker. Lo had even said hello to Atman Rai as she’d passed. Atman looked at Lulu, startled and concerned, as if to say, “Why, oh why, do you continuously put me in the line of fire?”

  It was an excellent question.

  “Come on. Pining longingly isn’t going to change anything.” Emma leaned against Lulu’s locker.

  “I’m not pining longingly,” said Lulu.

  “You’re staring over at Lo’s empty locker with the saddest puppy dog of a look on your face. It’s incredible you ever play it cool with boys.”

  “Shut up,” said Lulu.

  “Just letting you know. Do what you will with the information,” said Emma.

  “I’m still without a plan as to how to apologize to her.”

  “You’ll think of one. I believe in you,” said Emma. “Try something along the lines of saying ‘I’m sorry’ to her and seeing how that goes.”

  Lulu could have nearly cried, the belief was so endearing, so energizing. Emma’s faith was a bolstering thing. No wonder she had such a stellar girlfriend.

  “Emma. Lo has erased me from anything she can get her hands on. And clearly deleting my texts. And ignoring me in the halls. Should I hire a skywriter?”

  “You’ll figure it out,” said Emma. “Exactly like you figured out what to do with Anderson.”

  Lulu sighed. She had taken open swings at Dane. She’d thrown her punches. It had all backfired. It was time to take a page out of Lo’s book. It was time to fight dirty.

  “Lunch?” asked Emma.

&nbs
p; “I’ll meet you there,” said Lulu, swept up into the crowd of students rushing toward the dining hall. The melee gave Lulu the necessary cover. She ducked through the crowd into the back door of the school office. Lulu looked over her shoulder, twice. Mrs. Carly was nowhere in sight. No one was anywhere in sight. It was the shuffle toward lunch. The storm before the calm. Now or never, now or never, now or never—it was a mantra, a benediction. Lulu kissed her fingers, then touched her forehead. She ducked behind Mrs. Carly’s empty desk.

  Here, right before her, was the Book. Lulu had a second to decide, possibly less. She stood at a crouch, which would only make it that much worse if she was caught. No smile or eyelash batting or faux innocence would be able to get her out of this one. There was a giddiness that overcame Lulu for a moment, so much power and information at her fingertips. But Lulu focused again—she had no time to waste. She flipped through until she found Dane’s page. She scribbled a series of numbers—a student ID to be specific—across her forearm, momentarily thankful for the colder weather. She pulled her flimsy uniform sweatshirt down over the marks.

  Lulu snagged a piece of candy as she slid out from behind the desk. She took a deep breath, then headed for the office door. She opened it and nearly bumped into Mrs. Carly. The woman gave Lulu a suspicious look. Lulu shrugged and popped the lollipop into her mouth, like she was merely in need of a sugar fix. This seemed to satisfy Mrs. Carly.

  As soon as the door shut behind her, Lulu ran outside the building, taking huge gulps of crisp air. She’d done it. But that was the easy part.

  * * *

  During lunch, Lulu approached her usual table. Emma and Diana were already seated. As Lulu got to a seat, so too did Audrey, right across from her. They both stopped and stared at each other, mirror images of distress and horror. Lulu set her tray down but didn’t sit. Audrey’s eyes went wide. She turned on her heels and fled the dining hall. Lulu had won, and she wished she hadn’t. It was a Pyrrhic victory, and nothing Diana or Emma said for the remainder of lunch could pull her from her miserable stupor. And as Lulu left, she realized that she hadn’t seen Lo there at all.

  Scumbag Luke was turning into the big, bad wolf, ready to devour Lo whole. Lulu shuddered at the thought.

  After school, Lulu texted Matt and waited by their usual spot next to the beignet café. She handed him his mocha granita when he arrived. They began to split the bag of beignets she’d bought. Her campus was farther, but she always beat him there. Must have been the hallways, Lulu decided. She hadn’t thought before of the privilege of an uncrowded school hallway, but she couldn’t stop thinking about it now that she met Matt after school with a bag of beignets in one hand and two granitas in the other. Lulu liked beignets with Matt because it was easygoing. They ate and they drank and they bitched and there was nothing ever more than that. The same could not be said for James, but Matt said he’d invited him anyway.

  “How’s it going, killer?” Matt asked, hopping onto the roof of her car. Lulu had learned her lesson with the plant shop quite thoroughly. She parked her car right out front from the café forevermore.

  “The same,” she said. “Except I’m talking to Emma now. And her girlfriend.”

  “Honestly, makes sense why she was ignoring you,” said Matt.

  “You’re a real treat sometimes.”

  Matt shrugged. “You know I’m right.”

  “And so am I.” Lulu took a long sip from her coffee granita to hide the sheepishness that crept over her. When she looked up again, she saw Lo approaching with Luke from across the street. Lulu choked on her drink, before finally managing to get it down. Lo gave Lulu a cutting glare. She grabbed Scumbag Luke’s hand, and turned them in the other direction, toward the other school’s parking lot.

  Lulu was about to get up and honestly chase after Lo when James stopped in front of them both with a “Hello, Lulu.”

  Her heartache was temporarily distracted by the sight of him. Lulu offered him a wordless sip of her granita. He took it. Lulu tried not to stare at his lips. She’d have to add sharing food to a list of things she could no longer do with James and maintain her sanity. It was already too long of a list.

  “Thanks.” He hopped up beside Matt on the hood of Lulu’s car.

  Lulu stood where she was, not trusting herself beside him, not that close. James smiled like he knew what she was thinking. Lulu scowled, but that only made his smile widen.

  “Friends of yours?” asked James, pointing behind her.

  Lulu turned. Emma and Diana were waving and headed to the beignet shop, away from the Sealy Hall campus. Lulu waved back. Emma and Diana stopped in front of Lulu’s car.

  “Hiya,” said Diana.

  “Emma, Diana,” said Lulu, pointing at the girls respectively, “This is James and Matt,” she finished, again pointing.

  “Charmed,” said Diana, a wry smile on her mouth.

  “Likewise,” said James, laughing. He was never one to withhold his laughter because a girl had told a joke. This, Lulu had learned and liked about him from the first.

  “The James?” asked Emma. “Of nearly-drowning-in-the-pool fame?”

  “Kind of,” said James. “More like I pretended to drown and made Lulu jump into the pool just to see if she would.”

  Diana laughed. “I like this guy.”

  Lulu playfully socked Diana in the arm.

  “We were going to get beignets,” said Emma.

  “Here,” said Lulu, passing the bag over. “There’s one left.”

  “Hey!” protested Matt, but it was too late now.

  Emma took it off Lulu’s hands happily. She and Diana shared.

  “So,” said Diana in between bites of fried dough. “Have you heard Lulu’s totally brilliant plan for revenge on Dane Anderson?”

  Lulu gulped. She hadn’t told James. And now that she was put to it, she wasn’t entirely sure why. She dared a glance to him, and he looked exactly as she’d feared. Doe-eyed, deer in the headlights, the works. Emma threw an elbow in Diana’s rib.

  “Oh, shit.” Diana turned to Lulu. “I assumed—with everything—you’d told him.”

  Lulu said nothing, her eyes wide and her guilty feeling plainly written across her face.

  James managed to keep his tone even. “Is there a reason you’re planning revenge on Dane Anderson?”

  Emma and Diana gave each other a pointed look.

  “You know,” said Emma. “I think we’re going to run in and grab our own beignets.” Emma grabbed Diana’s hand and they vacated into the building.

  “Yeah,” said Matt. “Me too. Y’all owe me one.” He practically ran after them.

  Lulu and James were left standing, staring at each other.

  Lulu took a deep breath. “He kind of sort of felt me up, against my will while we were also originally mutually hooking up. I mean I said no. But not at first. Then he definitely forced himself on Audrey. Who thought he was Clark Kelly because she was blackout. Then threatened me in front of an entire party after I kind of went for his throat. And you saw the rest. And then he told me no one would believe me. So. Rather than trying to choke him in public, I’ve decided to … pivot.”

  James’s face was unreadable. But she watched him clench his fist. He was definitely angry. He must have been mad she hadn’t told him. She’d wanted to tell him. But she hadn’t quite figured out how to break the news. She could watch the gears of his mind putting the story together with what he’d seen that night through the living room window. Like he saw the missing gaps and went from looking at an unsolvable jigsaw puzzle to seeing a fully formed picture.

  James unclenched his fist, shook it out for a moment, then reclenched it. He looked like he was on the brink of deciding something, of speaking, when he turned on his heel and marched down a side street next to the café.

  “Wait,” called out Lulu, chasing after him.

  James stopped.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m really, really sorry.”

  “Sorry?” Jame
s took a deep breath. He was clearly trying to manage his anger. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  Lulu, who had been racing after him, trying to catch up to the strides of his long legs, stopped short at the words. “I don’t?”

  “No. I just.” James unclenched his fist again.

  Lulu waited, knowing he was looking for the right words.

  Then he looked up at her, his gaze piercing hers. “Is this what it feels like, to want to put a fist through someone’s face?”

  Lulu sized him up. “Yeah. I mean. You definitely look how I feel when I want to punch someone in the face.”

  “I can’t believe he did that. No, scratch that. I can believe it. I can’t believe I ever thought he was a harmless jerk.” His expression softened. The anger in his eyes deflated with a sad helplessness. “I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could trust me. That I gave you stupid ultimatums. That I didn’t punch him in the face sooner.”

  “Hey.” Lulu reached out to touch his face, and James went very, very still. Lulu made sure he was looking her in the eye for this. “You weren’t giving me ultimatums. You were giving me space. Space I needed. Space I still need. But I’ve got this. I don’t need anyone to fight him for me. I tried that. It didn’t work. I’ve got something else in mind.”

  James swallowed, his throat bobbing as he did so. “All right.”

  “Besides. I’d hate it if you broke your hand.”

  “Why’s that?” He tilted his head, away from Lulu’s hand.

  Lulu lowered her arm. “Because I’ve been promised you’ve got hidden talents. I’d hate to miss out if it’s your hands with the talents.”

  A wide, mischievous grin broke out across James’s face. “Not my hands. Not exclusively.”

  Lulu did blush this time. She didn’t know she could until that moment. But she felt the heat flushing across her face. And she could see the satisfaction spreading farther across James’s.

  “That is,” she said, her throat somehow feeling suddenly dry, “quite the image.”