Not the Girls You're Looking For

by Aminah Mae Safi

  “Rez! Rez! It’s the guy with the hair,” said Ben.

  “Dude, I see him,” said Rez.

  “But he’s your favorite! I didn’t want you to miss it,” said Ben.

  “Yes, I like this one. What kind of hashish do you think he smokes?” added their father.

  “The good stuff,” said Ben.

  “Excuse me?” asked their father, mostly paying attention to the theory that aliens populated the planet with ants. He chuckled.

  “Nothing, Baba. This guy is funny,” said Ben.

  “I mean, so funny,” said his father.

  “What are you guys—” said Lulu, walking into the room. She was keyed up from the wedding. Her body was exhausted, but her brain was alert. “Oh no.”

  “Oh yes,” said Ben.

  Lulu flumped onto the couch.

  “Can’t sleep also?” asked her father.

  “Basically.” Lulu wiggled, trying to find a comfortable position.

  “This show, Lulu. It is funny,” said her baba.

  “THIS DUDE WITH THE HAIR THINKS THAT THE EGYPTIANS WROTE ABOUT A MYSTICAL ANT WATER CEREMONY. THEREFORE ALIENS.” This from Ben.

  Reza, by this point, was beside himself. He was crying he was laughing so hard. Their father shook with silent mirth. Lulu sighed.

  “Little sister,” said Ben. “This man believes that ancient astronauts taught human beings about the construction of buildings specifically for the purpose of human habitation. He believes he has scientifically proved the existence of aliens from the existence of ants. And ancient mythology.”

  “We are kinda descended from bugs,” said Reza.

  “Different branch of evolution,” said their baba, stressing the first syllable so it sounded like evil-lution. The pun was entirely unintentional, and Lulu had to hold in the laugh. She’d explain it to him later.

  The program went on and the fellowship of three laughed again. Lulu snorted.

  “Little sister, lighten up,” said Ben. “It’s hilarious.”

  “You three have the worst taste.” Lulu tried to lean back onto the couch, but there was too much room behind her neck.

  “Says the Saad sibling who watches Murder, She Wrote with Mom,” said Ben.

  “That is a good show!”

  “I’m glad you couldn’t sleep.” Reza didn’t look away from the television, but he threw her a cushion to set behind her back. He was paying attention, even if it didn’t always seem it. He was learning to reconcile his idea of Lulu with the reality of her. It was a dance they would have to do many times over in this life. “Now you’ll understand the joy of Ancient Astronaut Theory.”

  “Agreed,” said Ben.

  “Yes,” said their father, though he was only half paying attention. “Love you.”

  “I love you three, too,” said Lulu. “Even if you’re all idiots,” she added, under her breath.

  But Reza was smiling. He turned and gave her a wink, before the show grabbed his attention—and laughter—again.

  29

  Seventeen Candles

  “Do you want to have some friends over?” asked Lulu’s mother, rifling through papers at her desk as she spoke. “I know your birthday’s not technically until tomorrow. But it’ll be your day at midnight.”

  “No,” said Lulu.

  “Are you sure?” asked her mother, looking up from her work. “You always have a sleepover on your birthday.”

  “Yeah,” said Lulu. “I wanna do something different this year.”

  Her mother frowned, her eyes narrowing. “How different?”

  Lulu raised her eyebrows. “I promise you don’t want the answer. But nothing illegal.”

  “You,” said her mother. She pushed up her reading glasses. “Are your father’s daughter through and through. I have no idea what to do with you sometimes.”

  “Love me?” said Lulu.

  Aimee sighed. Then a ping sounded on her laptop and she began typing. Lulu knew their conversation was over for now. Work Aimee had taken over. Mom Aimee wouldn’t be back for a couple of hours. Lulu trotted up the stairs.

  hi sent Lulu to James.

  Hello was his immediate reply

  wanna hang

  Sure. What do you wanna do? responded James.

  pick me up in an hour?

  sure thing

  The orange Datsun rumbled down the street. Lulu leaped off her bed and rushed down the stairs. She gave her mom a kiss on the forehead. Work Aimee was still in. Lulu counted her blessings.

  “Headed out, Mom! I’ll let you know where I’ll be.”

  Aimee pulled down her reading glasses for a moment, but she forgot to look up. “Where are you going again?”

  “Dinner, remember?” said Lulu. “With James.”

  Work Aimee looked up over her reading glasses for a moment. Then a ping sounded on her computer. “All right, text me.”

  “You’re the best!” said Lulu, and her mother waved her off.

  Lulu swung the door open as she saw James reaching for the bell. He looked startled, but not unpleasantly so. He had on his usual jeans and a T-shirt. His hair was damp, still fresh from the shower. He had a small nick on his cheekbone from shaving. He looked like heaven.

  “Hi,” said Lulu.

  “Hi, yourself,” said James.

  “You hungry?” asked Lulu.

  “Starved.”

  “Excellent.” Lulu grabbed James’s hand and led him to his own car.

  He trailed behind her, laughing. “Do you want my keys, too?”

  “Can I?” asked Lulu, light in her eyes.

  “You’re joking, right?”

  “It’s almost my birthday.” Lulu made her most pleading face.

  James laughed at it. “When’s your birthday?”

  “Tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow’s only a few hours away.” James folded his arms. “You can wait.”

  But Lulu couldn’t. “Please,” she began. “Please, please, please, please, please.” She hadn’t thought she’d wanted to drive his car until this moment, until she’d been nearly given the opportunity, then denied. Now she needed it. She was all raw energy and nerves.

  “You’re not going to give up, are you?”

  “Never,” said Lulu. “Never say die.”

  Lulu had a pang in her chest at her own words, but she put it away for later.

  James tossed her the keys. Lulu caught them with her left hand. Glee lit her face. She leaned toward him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Lulu hopped into the driver’s seat. She started the engine and put the car into gear. It jerked forward. James grabbed the dash. Lulu grinned.

  “Nervous?” she asked.

  “Unbelievably,” he said. “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this.”

  “You must really like me,” said Lulu.

  “Yes. I do. That and you’re incredibly convincing. How do you do that?”

  Lulu shrugged. “I can’t reveal all my secrets, James. I’m not a Bond villain.”

  “Fair enough,” said James, bracing himself.

  Lulu made a turn. “Holy shit.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Power steering makes a difference,” said Lulu.

  “Look, you’re already learning,” said James.

  “I would have serious guns if I drove this all the time.”

  “Not necessarily. I drive it all the time, and I’ve got pretty skinny arms,” said James.

  “But they’re muscular,” said Lulu.

  James blushed. “Um. Right.”

  Lulu laughed. She drove them to dinner. They talked as they ate, not realizing as time slipped by. They closed down the small neighborhood taqueria. Lulu tossed James his keys back. He put the keys in the ignition. He looked at the analog clock on his dash.

  “It’s nearly an hour to your birthday. Do I need to get you home?” he asked.

  Lulu tilted her head thoughtfully. She had an impish smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. She grabbed him for a kiss. He accepted it gladly
. They broke apart, taking in gulps of air.

  “Or,” said Lulu. She swallowed as a pause. She looked James in the eye. He seemed to understand her expression because he gulped right back at her. “Alternate idea. Do you want to have sex with me?”

  James stared. He just stared. Lulu stared back at him, a wild panic running through her chest.

  “You’re sure?” he asked. “About everything?”

  And Lulu knew he wasn’t talking about sex. He was talking about relationships, and trust, and playing the field, and Lulu finally having enough space in her mind to process this.

  “No,” she said. “But I’m tired of being afraid. I’m willing to try.”

  “I wouldn’t hurt you,” said James. He still wasn’t talking about sex. How Lulu knew, she couldn’t say.

  “You don’t know that. And neither do I. I’m okay with that. I wouldn’t do anything different.” Lulu waited, wondering if he’d say yes. Wondering if her answers were satisfactory. At least, they were true.

  “Me neither,” he said. “But I’ll try not to hurt you.”

  “Likewise,” said Lulu.

  “Okay,” he said.

  And Lulu knew it wasn’t an okay as a filler, as a transitional statement. It was an answer. She could feel her heart beating in her throat.

  “I gotta. I need to. To get a thing,” he said.

  Lulu nodded. Words were not enough. They were too much. They had fled the premises of her mind entirely. James drove. Lulu rode shotgun. He parked outside a drugstore. As he ran in, Lulu made a phone call. The phone rang twice, then she heard it click on.

  “Mom?” said Lulu.

  “Lulu, honey, are you on your way home?” asked her mother. Mom Aimee was back.

  “No, Mom … I’m still with James,” Lulu said. The words felt foreign on her lips.

  “Honey, is everything all right? Do you need me to come get you?” said her mother, an increased tone of alarm in her voice.

  “No, Mom. Everything is fine. I’m fine. I’m safe. I’m going to be home a little after curfew. Trust me, okay?” There was what was felt to be an interminable silence on the other end of the phone. Lulu’s heart sank.

  Finally, her mother said, “Okay.”

  “You don’t need to wait up,” Lulu offered.

  “Darlin’, if you think for a moment I won’t wait up for you, then you’ve lost your damned mind.” She inhaled. “But, come home soon.”

  “I will, don’t worry.”

  “Like hell I won’t.”

  “Love you, Mom.”

  “Love you, too, little cat. Please be safe.”

  Lulu hung up. A few minutes later, James got back into the car, clutching the plastic pharmacy bag like worry beads. He looked straight ahead.

  “Want me to drive?” Lulu asked.

  “Probably,” he said.

  Lulu scrambled across the seats, crawling over him until she sat in the driver’s seat and he sat in the tiny middle area of the transmission. Lulu put the car into gear. James put his hand over hers. Lulu looked over. He was smiling. Lulu grinned back.

  “My house,” he said.

  * * *

  “Where’s your mom?” Lulu asked as she parked.

  “Midnight movie. They’re showing Pretty in Pink.” James jostled with his keys. His hands shook slightly as he tried to fit the key into the door’s lock.

  “Where’s your sister?”

  “Slumber party. Thank God.” He finally got the key in.

  Lulu heard the dead bolt release. The house was quiet, the only light inside coming from a switch left on in the kitchen. The house creaked with their movements, but quietly, as though it wanted to keep their secret as much as they did. They walked up the stairs, stopping at the top. James came within a hair’s breadth of her; he reached out one hand toward her hip and another toward her neck, but he didn’t touch her. Lulu could still feel the heat from his hands regardless.

  “James?”

  He wouldn’t break eye contact. “Yes?”

  A match had lit inside her, and now her whole body was going up in flames. From a flicker to a blazing forest fire. She had to remember how breathing worked. Inhale through her nose, exhale through her mouth. The tips of her fingers tingled. James’s eyelashes were so long, so dark. She watched them flutter. Lulu’s breath hitched. She’d always thought the moment before kissing someone, the moment where she wondered if they would kiss her, was the most exciting point. That had been the thrill. The game, the flirtation. It was nothing to this, this endless when. He wanted to kiss her. She wanted to kiss him. It wasn’t if. It was when. It was how. Did he want the same kind of kiss she did—the same exploding need? Or would he be more patient than she could be right now? She wanted to run her hands through his hair and dig her nails into his back. She knew what she wanted before she was going to have it. It was exhilarating.

  Still, he waited.

  “Please,” she said.

  And they were entangled. Pressed and wrapped around each other. His lips played at hers and her fingers yanked in his belt loops, pulling him closer, still not close enough. James pulled Lulu through the doorway of his bedroom. She gasped for breath, pulling his shirt off. He played with the edge of hers, and she threw up her arms without hesitation. He obligingly removed her shirt, a smile playing at the edges of his lips. His mouth trailed down her neck. And then he whispered an act Lulu had, until this moment, experienced only mild curiosity for. She let out a shaky breath.

  “God yes,” she said, collapsing backward onto the bed. Then the rest of her clothes were on the floor. Kisses trailed down her neck, down her stomach, lower and lower. His mouth reached their intention. Lulu felt higher, and higher. Her toes curled at the sensation of his tongue on her. She whimpered and laughed. She moaned and she cried out. And then she floated back down to earth. Lulu hummed and reached out for James. She tugged at one of his belt loops. She dipped a finger beneath the band of his jeans. He went for his belt, a clanging noise rung through the room as his pants hit the floor. Lulu sighed. James covered it with a kiss. He moved away from the bed for a moment. He reached into the pharmacy bag that had miraculously made it up to the room. He fumbled with the condom. Lulu giggled.

  “Not helping,” he said.

  “Did you want help?” she asked.

  “I’ve got it.” He fumbled for a few more moments before getting it secured.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she said. “Are you?”

  “Yes,” he said.

  And then there was only skin on skin. Lulu touched him wherever she liked, feeling more exposed by this than by her nakedness. They were a jumble of limbs, his trembling lightly and hers filled with sensations that were unexpected and consuming. She nearly laughed at that. Instead she kissed him. There was no pain, only this wordless promise between them.

  * * *

  Later, Lulu lounged across the bed. James stared over at her. He’d curled into his boxers as quickly as he could. She, however, did not share in his modesty. Lulu was enjoying the feeling of his sheets up against her bare skin. It was a small, personal pleasure. Besides, she found his continued embarrassment harmlessly hilarious. He didn’t know where to look.

  “I like you,” said Lulu, breaking the tension in the room.

  James laughed. “I like you, too.”

  “How’d you do that? Go from Biggest Jerk Alive to the person I’m lying in bed naked with.”

  James blushed through to his ears. “I don’t know.”

  “Don’t you?”

  “If I’d known how, I would have done it a lot sooner, trust me. I can’t believe some of the idiotic things I said to you. I think I’ll regret it forever.”

  “Don’t. I like that you’re capable of being an idiot. It makes me feel better that you can be so human. Maybe because your hair is so pretty. Or is it your eyes. I’m newly obsessed with your eyelashes.” Lulu reached out and lightly dusted her fingers across his lashes.

  Ja
mes closed his eyes, allowed her the familiarity. Lulu kissed James again. It was a lingering see-you-later, not a good-bye. It was a kiss that was unable to stay the night. She crawled out of bed and slid her pants on.

  “Hey, do you … do you wanna grab some breakfast?” she asked.

  “Now?” James asked, popping up from his prostrate position.

  “No, I mean, tomorrow morning. There’s a special place in my stomach for potatoes and eggs.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. And I’d like that. Breakfast, I mean.” He looked across the room at his clock. “You know. It is tomorrow morning. Happy birthday, Lulu.”

  James got out of bed and silently wished her a happy birthday. Lulu was smiling by the end of it. Then the sound of a door thumped below them.

  “Shit,” they said at the same time. It was definitely his mother.

  “Window?” asked Lulu.

  James opened his bedroom window. There was a small sloping porch roof that Lulu could lower herself down from. Thank God for Southern porches. Lulu crawled through the window onto the small roof.

  “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this,” he said.

  He would make a spectacular Juliet, leaning out his window like that. All he lacked was a balcony. She tugged his shirt for another kiss; it was soft and slow and melting.

  “I’ll be all right. I’m like a cat.”

  “Cats climb higher than they’re able to get down from and get stuck in trees.”

  “There was a time before firemen, and cats had to get down from those heights all on their own. I’ll manage.” She winked.

  Lulu grabbed hold of the edge of the roofing, then swung down. Her feet dangled, maybe three feet off the ground. She took a leap of faith and dropped down, landing relatively unscathed in a crouch. She walked out so she could see James, still in his window.

  “Made it!” she said at a loud whisper. Then she dangled his keys in her fingers, waving them at him. “I’m borrowing your car. Again.”

  James shook his head. “See you in the morning, Lulu.”