by Kitty Berry
My father gets called and has to come and get me. He pulls all his lawyer talk bullshit and acts like father of the fucking year. As soon as we get in the car he lets loose.
“I can’t believe you are such a stupid son of a bitch. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Don’t call mom a bitch. Or did you mean you?”
“Don’t be fucking cute with me. I can’t believe you are trying to self-destruct. I don’t get it. You are such a spoiled brat, you get everything you want. You work for nothing, everything is handed to you and this is the thanks I get for working my fucking ass off for you. What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Did you ever think that maybe I’m trying to destroy myself because of all the fucking pressure you put on me to be perfect, it’s just too much and I can’t take it anymore. Getting drunk and high makes it all go away. It’s the only time I don’t feel like puking from the stress. And I never asked you for anything. I didn’t ask to be spoiled. Stop giving me stuff, don’t give me shit anymore. Just leave me the fuck alone and I’ll be happy.”
I jump out of the car as he pulls in the driveway and when I run into the house I am slapped across my face by my mother who is holding my porn and condoms. Fuck!
My father sees what she’s holding and he shoves me up against the wall. When I tell him that the porn is not mine he shakes his head in disgust. He asks about the condoms and instead of making up a story I admit their mine. He tells me I’m going to ruin my life.
I want to scream at him that having sex with Brook would not be ruining my life but I know it’s a useless endeavor. I finally decide to keep my mouth shut and head to my room.
************
Tate comes into the bedroom and asks me if I’m ready yet. He’s already showered and ready but I am still putting on the finishing touches. He picks up on the look my face holds and asks me what I’m daydreaming about.
“The first time our parent’s all met, remember?” I ask him.
“Don’t remind me. If I remember correctly when she opened the door and asked your parents if they wanted coffee or tea my mother was holding some of my porn she found when she searched my room in her hands.”
“I think she also had your condoms in her hand too, that went over really big with my dad!”
************
After Tate’s father nearly killed him in the Principal’s office he took him home to begin his week’s suspension. Tate was lucky that his father somehow talked the Principal into not placing this infraction on his permanent record, telling him it could hurt his chances of getting into one of the top ranked sports programs for college. His father used some of his lawyer charm to smooth things over, explaining that if Tate got into a division one school to play basketball or football it would reflect very well on the sports program of our high school. Tate’s dad may have been rational with the Principal but he was a lunatic with Tate.
By the time we got to Tate’s that night Tate’s eyes were as puffy, red and bloodshot as mine and this time I don’t think it’s from smoking pot. When I see him I want to reach out and hug him but my father grabs my arm and won’t let me go to him. We sit down in the living room, my dad and I on one couch while Tate sits in a chair unable to make eye contact with me. Tate’s dad sits on the other coach. Tate’s mom leads my mom, Katrina and Michael to the family room in the basement so they’ll be out of ear shot of the conversation. When they return my mom sits with my dad and I and Tate's mom joins her husband. I feel like it’s all of us against Tate. I hate that he’s sitting alone in that chair. I want to be cuddled up safe in his lap. I want to go to him to show him I’m on his side; I’ll always be on his side.
Tate’s father interrupts my thoughts when he begins explaining how and why Tate was suspended and asks me if what he said was accurate. I tell him yes and no. I explain how Tate and I didn’t break up that it was all Katrina’s fault. It’s the first time that night that Tate looks at me. I continue to explain that Take got into a fight with Steve but that he’s a jerk and was being rude to me, Tate was just protecting me.
I look at Tate, “I wasn’t breaking up with you, I didn’t break up with you. I just wanted my mom to leave me alone the other day when I was crying in my room because of our fight and I didn’t know what else to tell her so I said we broke up. Stupid Katrina heard me and told all of her stupid loser friends and then everyone at school found out about it. Steve must have heard about it before lunch and jumped on the opportunity to make you mad.”
Tate’s dad asks me, “Why were you and Tate fighting?” and I look at Tate for help because I can’t tell his father why.
“You know,” I say to everyone “he’s been mad at Tate since the States game even though it wasn’t Tate’s fault that he got hurt and Tate played instead of him.”
“I already told him what a jerk I was to you at the cheerleading competition. He knows I was drunk. He knows you got mad at me because I promised you months ago I wouldn’t drink anymore” Tate rats himself out.
My parents turn to me and ask me if I’ve been drinking too. “No, Mr. and Mrs. Adams please believe me she hasn’t been. She’s been trying to get me to stop. She just reached the end of her rope on Saturday and I deserved it. She should break up with me. I told her months ago she deserved better than me.”
I start to cry and I rush to Tate’s chair, he stands up and catches me in his arms and hugs me close, for the first time crying in front of me.
“I am so sorry Brook; I don’t know why I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing. It’s just all this pressure to do well in school, to be cool, to be on Varsity, to keep you. I just can’t handle it all, it’s too much and getting drunk helped.”
Tate’s mother shoots her husband an ice cold glare that cools the entire room.
Tate’s father interrupts by clearing his throat conscience of his wife’s glare, “There’s also another concern we’re having. When we found out that Tate was drunk on Saturday we were concerned about what else he might be up to so when he went to school today we searched his room. We didn’t expect to get a call from the school about him fighting while we were searching but when I went to retrieve him from school Carol kept looking and found condoms and um…videos. Tate is insisting to us that he and Brook are not sexually active but I don’t know that we can trust him anymore. Please don’t take offence to this; we think Brook is a good girl we just don’t want to take any chances. They can ruin their futures with one stupid mistake.”
“Brooklynn we’ve talked about this. You promised me you would wait, that you would come to me if …oh God. Are you using protection?” My mom asks in hysterics.
I tell her to calm down, we have not had sex. Tate tries to point out that the condoms his mother confiscated would be for protection but before he can finish explaining his father grabs him by his shirt and tells him to shut his smart mouth.
“Okay, let’s all calm down and take a few deep breathes. If they say they are not having sex then we need to trust them. I don’t like it but what else can we do?” Tate’s mom asks calmly while staring her husband down.
“I can tell you what I’m going to do, I’m making you an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and you are having a full exam and going on the pill” my mother says to me.
My father and I try to object but my mother just holds up the palm of her hand while she bows her head unable to deal with anymore at the moment.
My father inquires about the previously mentioned videos, assuming they were some homemade videos of Tate and me in the throes of passion. God, I don’t know who he thinks we’re talking about here!
Mr. Taylor explains while Tate buries his face in his hands, “They are more “instructional type” videos that Tate claims to have on loan from a friend’s older brother. They are not of Tate and Brook, thank God. He claims to be using them when he’s…alone.”
Tate’s face falls into his hands and he lets out a moan, nothing like the ones he makes when we are doing things he has lea
rned from those videos. Oh, God I hope he has them all memorized. I don’t want us to stop doing the things we’ve been doing.
“Well, I do have another question Tate” my father says, “What did this Steve guy say to Brooklynn that got you so upset?”
“He um, he…” Tate stammers. “He asked her if she was ready to be ah, you know by someone who can give it to her like a real man. Even though sir, I swear I’m not giving, I mean we’re not, we haven’t really, we haven’t.”
My father smiles warmly at Tate and I love him so much right now for that.
“Thank you for protecting my daughter. I think you’re a good kid, Tate and a hell of an athlete. I think the adults here need to talk alone to make a plan to keep you both safe. You both have such bright futures in front of you. I don’t want to see either or both of you have to give up your dreams over…well. Maybe you two can go and hang out with Katrina and Michael while we talk?”
Tate and I go downstairs and I tell Katrina she has ruined my life and that I am going to kill her in her sleep tonight. She is truly afraid as she should be. Michael isn’t really sure what’s happening but he knows I am furious so he keeps his mouth shut so I don’t turn on him next. Tate and I sit on the couch next to each other and he takes my hand.
“You didn’t really not want to be together anymore?” he asks shyly.
“I am still mad at you for the whole” I whisper in his ear “drinking and drug thing, but I was never going to break up with you. I just wanted to get my mom out of my face and then this little bitch over here had to go and fuck it all up.”
“I’m so sorry about ruining the competition for you, about breaking my promise, about doing the you know. I promise I will make it up to you. I’m done with all of it. I swear if I am ever allowed out of my parent’s sight again I won’t you know ever again.”
Our parents decide that we will not be allowed alone together anywhere. We can see each other at school and we can go to each other’s houses. They say they’ll think about the movies or the mall with friends but for the next two months Tate is on total lock down. No phone, no seeing me other than at school. They said that they’ll talk after that and see how things are but by then I’ll be away for the summer working at the cheer camps that Tate doesn’t even know about yet.
I cry in my room like a baby for hours until my mother comes in and tells me that Brook and her parents are going to be here in a few minutes and I need to come down stairs right now. I can’t even look her in the eyes. I have no idea why Brook and her parents are coming over but they obviously know about everything.
When I get downstairs I sit in the chair so I won’t have to be near my parents. When I hear the doorbell ring I realize my mother is holding my porn and condoms in her fucking hands. Is she going to answer the door and introduce herself to my girlfriend’s parents with my fucking porn in her hands? I mean really? What the fuck?
I know I must look like shit with my face all red from crying and I hate that Brook is seeing me looking so weak. I feel like it’s all of them against me, her included.
Of course my father the lawyer control freak has to begin by explaining how and why I got suspended today.
I hardly pay attention until I hear what Brook is saying. I am lost in her words. I am relieved that she didn’t break up with me. But this feeling is short lived; when I think that it can’t get any worse Brook’s father starts asking questions about my porn. For some reason he’s under the impression that they are some kind of homemade porn movies of Brook and I. Hmm.. that would be a good idea. Then I could watch them and take care of business whenever she’s not around.
I drop my face into my hands and moan when my father explains the movies were just porn; I can’t believe he has just done this in front of not only my girlfriend but her parents and my mother for God’s sake. Maybe we can get this on the local news station tonight. “Tate Taylor pulls it to porn!” Jesus Christ!
Our parents send us to my basement so they can talk about us behind our backs. When we get down there Brook goes off on her little sister, Katrina. She’s cute, she looks exactly like Brook. I feel bad for her because I can tell she is really scared at what Brook might do to her. I have never seen Brook this pissed before and I know some of it is going to be directed at me at some point. We sit on the couch next to each other and I grab her hand.
Even as I’m apologizing to her I know I’m lying. I’m talking about the drinking, the drugs. I just don’t know if I can give it all up, even for her. It makes me feel good; she does too but in a different way. The drinking and the drugs make everything else disappear and I need that kind of clarity sometimes.
************
When we get down to the lobby the concierge comes right over to Tate, “Your car is waiting out front Mr. Taylor. Is there anything else you need, sir?” “No, that will be all Lucas, thank you.” Tate responds as we step outside to find his silver Ferrari California Convertible waiting for us. It is a very cool car, one I have never seen before. Tate must have bought it sometime after arriving in California.
“You like, baby?” he asks with a smile.
I nod and he opens the door for me. We cruise down the Pacific Coast Highway with my hair flying in the wind and “California Girls” playing too loudly on the radio. Tate is wearing cool mirrored sunglasses that remind me of Tom Cruise in Top Gun and when he pops open the glove compartment I see a pair of over sized Gucci’s for me. We sing along to the song and by the time it comes to an end we arrive at a little restaurant hidden from view. The restaurant overlooks the ocean and its décor is a tasteful beach motif with muted blues and greens. We are seated immediately at a table in the corner away from the others and with the best view of the ocean in the house. Everyone there seems to know Tate. He’s enjoying showing me off and introducing me to everyone but I think it’s more to avoid the reason we came here…to be alone because we still need to talk about what’s going on between us.
After almost a half hour of this nonsense I lose it, “Tate, we need to talk right now. We can do it with the wait staff at our table or we can do it privately, your choice” I demand and Tate snaps at one of the waiters and gives him a cut sign and we are not bothered again.
“Have you stopped drinking like you said you did or was that just you telling me what you thought I wanted to hear again? You do that all the time you know? Tell me things, make promises that you don’t keep. You’ve been doing it for years and I’ve been letting you.”
Tate lets out a sigh and responds, “I have stopped drinking to excess, I don’t remember the last time I was fucked up but no, I have not stopped drinking all together. I think as a reasonable adult you can allow me to have wine with a meal, a beer at a game, a drink at a party that sort of thing, no?”
“I don’t know, Tate. Really, I don’t know. Before you left Connecticut it was pretty bad. You were coming home from work drunk or getting drunk when you got home. Does that mean you’re an alcoholic and can never have a sip of anything, I don’t know but what I do know is I cannot live with you like that again. Not in Connecticut and not here. Do you understand me? If you are going to continue to drink your life and career away I will not be a part of it, not anymore.”
Tate thinks to himself for a few minutes and looks me in the eyes before dropping his gaze to the table.
“Being away from you for six months has been torture for me. I don’t want to lose you, I can’t lose you. Without you I don’t know how to be, my being is so tangled up in us that I don’t know where you start and I begin. I need you, Brooklynn Taylor. I need us. Please don’t leave me.”
Tate admits that he went completely off the deep end when his dad died. Over the years their relationship got worse and worse and he never had a chance to try to fix it. His father just died all of a sudden one day. This big strong athletic guy just died of a heart attack without warning and it did something to him he couldn’t explain to me at the time. He tries his best to explain now, saying that he sees a lot of h
is dad in himself. When his father died he claims he snapped and starting drinking and using again. It made him feel good for a while. All the pain went away, like the stress did when he drank in high school.
I don’t want to leave Tate; he is the only love I have ever known, the love of my life. I know what he means, I have no idea where I start and he ends because we have been “us” since before I really knew who I was. I love that Tate and I have this extraordinary history together but sometimes I can’t help but let myself think that maybe it wasn’t the healthiest of situations. We’re each other’s firsts for everything. I have never been touched by another man nor have I touched another man other than Tate. We have done everything together, experienced everything together since we were kids. Maybe it would have been better if we had met when we were older and had developed a sense of self that wasn’t completely wrapped up in one another.