by Kitty Berry
I think we need to table the drinking discussion for a bit so I can see for myself if he’s telling me the truth or not so I go onto my next point
“Tate, we also need to discuss children. I know how much it hurts, it kills me every day, Tate you have no idea the demons I live with but it can’t stop us from having children” I whisper almost so quietly that I can’t be heard because just referring to my accidental pregnancy brings back such horrific memories I can hardly bare them.
“It was my fault entirely, the drinking then the fighting with you, I caused the miscarriage one way or another Brook and I hate myself for that as much as you hate me for it. I was just so fucking pissed off about you getting pregnant; I thought you did it on purpose to get your way. I know now that you didn’t. I think I always knew but a year ago I just couldn’t see that. I was still in a fog over losing my dad. And then I was just so fucking out of my mind when you almost died, I couldn’t face the possibility of losing you. That’s why I had to leave, I had to get us some breathing air or we were not going to survive. But now I know I was being selfish and immature. I didn’t want to share you with anyone, I’ve never wanted to share you with anyone, you know that Brook. I admit to the control issues. But I am so scared right now, what if it happens again? What if I do lose you this time? I don’t know if I can risk that Brook, I just don’t know.”
A tear slips down my face as I let myself remember…I was a few days late getting my period but I wasn’t worried. I was working on a new workshop in the City and not eating much. I had lost some weight and being late was nothing new for me under those circumstances. On the way home one night after the workshop I popped into the Duane Reade on the corner near my studio space and I bought a pregnancy test just for the hell of it. Just as I was stepping out of the store Dominick pulled up to the curb with Tate in the backseat. Tate rolled down the window and whistled at me, “Hey baby, you need a ride? I’m told I’m a hell of a good one! Care to climb in and find out?” I laugh, shove the bag into my purse and get in the car as Tate steps out and opens the door for me.
The next morning when Tate goes to work I pee on the little stick from the box and learn that I am pregnant. Tate has been very clear from quite early on about his feelings of having children. I have never agreed and secretly I have always thought he’d change his mind but now that I am pregnant I’m not so sure. I call my doctor and get an appointment for later that day. I cancel my workout with my personal trainer knowing he is going to work me so much harder tomorrow that I almost tell him why I am cancelling our session hoping he’ll take pity on me.
At the doctor’s I learn that I am eight weeks along and I am scheduled for an ultrasound and a full physical in a week. When Tate gets home that night I am waiting with a fire and a candlelight dinner on the table. “Always” is playing on the iPod. Tate stumbles into the room and I know he’s drunk again and I know I won’t be telling him about the baby tonight. I never get the perfect opportunity to tell him because every time I see him he is drunk, I end up with no choice a week later, the night before my appointment.
I am so nervous; I don’t know how to begin or what to say so I just blurt it out as he falls into the house drunk again. His drinking is increasing and this is going to have to be another difficult conversation. At first he just kind of looks at me, trying to process what I’ve just said. Once it finally hits him he starts to laugh, at this point he thinks I’m fooling around. Within seconds he realizes that I am serious and he goes crazy. He starts yelling at me, telling me I did it on purpose. He accuses me of the baby not being his. He tells me I am going to have an abortion and then he says he’s leaving and he walks right back out the door he just fell through not five minutes ago.
I spend the better part of the night worrying about him, about us. I cry myself to sleep sometime around midnight only to be awoken three hours later with the worst cramps I have ever felt and feeling like I have wet the bed. When I check I am covered in blood. The bed looks like a crime scene and I am doubled over in pain. I know I need help and fast and that I should call for Dominick who should be downstairs but instead he’s most likely babysitting my husband. I call Asia on her cell not wanting to wake up Ted and she calls 911 and meets me at the hospital. When I see Asia we can barely look at each other, each remembering her past but unable to speak of it. I don’t bother to call Tate even though I know I should and I tell Asia not to either, she is more than happy to oblige.
Tate arrives home within a half hour of my leaving to find our bed the way I left it. He vomits on the bedroom floor and yells for Dominick. When Dominick enters the room and sees the scene laid out in front of him he sits Tate down in a chair and calls 911, identifies himself and learns what happened and where I am. Dominick pulls Tate to his feet and drags him crying out of the room. Tate is still too drunk to process what Dominick is telling him and he’s convinced I’ve been hurt. By the time he arrives at the hospital an hour after me he’s sobered up enough to be coherent. The doctors explain that I had a miscarriage and lost a large amount of blood. My blood pressure crashed and my heart was concerning them at one point but that I am stable now.
“You are a lucky man, Mr. Taylor. We could have lost her tonight if she didn’t get here when she did” the doctor informs Tate and scares the shit out of him.
Asia and Tate can barely look at each other when he walks into my room. They do not speak and as soon as he comes in Asia kisses me and walks out still never making full eye contact with me or Tate. I am sobbing uncontrollably and I can’t stop. I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open but when I close them I see the baby I will never hold, never kiss, never be a mommy to and staying awake is so much easier than that. Tate climbs into bed and takes me into his arms; he strokes my hair and cries with me and I allow him that even though he doesn’t deserve to be allowed to morn this child he so clearly didn’t want. He tells me he is so sorry and my body can’t resist any longer, the next thing I know I am asleep in my husband’s arms.
************
I snap back to the here and now and Tate knows where I’ve been in my mind.
“Okay, listen we need to talk to a counselor together about all of this and a doctor about the medical implications. When it happened they said I was not at an increased risk of it happening again but let’s find a specialist and make an appointment before we decide anything” I rationally suggest and Tate agrees as he calls the waiter over and informs me that’s enough talking for today.
I left Connecticut to get my shit together. I knew I had to clean up. I knew leaving Brooklynn was risky. I came to California and started seeing a shrink to iron out my issues. I have my drinking and drug use under control and my life is getting back on track but I know that we need to work through some stuff together and when I see her lost in her thoughts I know she’s remembering the night of the miscarriage too. I don’t want her to have to live through that night again so I interrupt her thoughts. I call the waiter over and inform her that’s enough talking for today but I do agree to go to counseling with her.
After all is said and done we manage to have a pleasant enough breakfast and when we arrive back at the hotel Tate asks me if I want to take a ride.
“We were just out” I say.
“Not in my car, in yours” Tate says with his famous thousand watt smile as he points to the parking spot next to his where there is a black Volvo C70.
“Of course this will only be until there’s a…a possible need for a minivan” and he leans over kisses me and hands me the keys to my new car.
Tate opens the driver’s door for me and I sit in the driver’s seat as Tate walks around the sleek convertible and climbs into the passenger seat. When I start up the car I hear the purr of the engine and then Connecticut’s own John Mayer comes on the radio singing “California Queen”. I take Tate for a cruise not knowing where we are headed…not in my new car and not in our lives.
When the song changes to “The Lady in Red” Tate just looks at me and
smirks about our private joke to that song. The summer that I went away for the first time to work at the cheer camp this song was very popular and Tate used to sing it to me because the uniform I had was red. He used to make me describe it to him on nights that we were able to talk on the phone while he masturbated to my voice describing myself in my uniform.
************
Tate was grounded for the rest of the school year. He couldn’t talk on the phone and he couldn’t go anywhere. I was afraid to tell him about my job at cheer camp because he was already upset about only getting to see and talk to me at school and I knew he was looking forward to having his punishment lifted and hanging out again, talking on the phone and resuming what had been going on between us physically. I was also afraid to tell him because what I hadn’t realized when I agreed to do the camp was that I was going to have a stunt partner who I would travel with, practice with and teach at the camps with, pretty much be with day and night…and it was a boy! I knew Tate was going to flip out when he found out so I was waiting until the last possible moment to break the news.
It was the last week of school and I knew I had to tell him. I asked Wendy if I could have her car keys during the school day so Tate and I could sneak out of classes and meet at her car. I promised her we wouldn’t drive it, I just wanted a private place to break my news. I told Tate that I had Wendy’s keys when I saw him at lunch that day and I asked him to meet me at her car after sixth period. We would skip seventh period which I knew for Tate was study hall and the last period of the day. His teacher never took attendance so Tate would never get caught. I talked Wendy into calling the school and pretending she was my mom, letting them know that I would be leaving after sixth period today for a doctor’s appointment.
Tate and I meet at Wendy’s car and when Tate climbs in he pops a tape into her radio. “I Want Your Sex” comes on…big surprise! Tate and I laugh for a while over his choice of song but within minutes we are all over each other. I don’t know why we hadn’t thought of this car idea before. Tate takes my face in his hands and he pulls my lips to his. He kisses me intensely, pushing his lips against mine harder than he usually does. His tongue enters my mouth within seconds and I let out an uncontrollable moan.
Tate breathes, “God, I’ve missed you” then resumes our kiss. He sucks on my bottom lip instantly making it swell to twice its size before he nips it with his teeth. I run my tongue over his top lip and he lets his head fall back against the back of the seat. Tate pushes me down onto the back seat and before I know it he’s on top of me supporting his weight on his arms that are on either side of my body. The only parts of our bodies that are touching are stiff and wet and not supposed to be touching. Luckily we are dressed but I can still feel Tate’s growing bulge in his pants as he grinds it into me.
“I can’t wait till next week when I can see you again. We’re going to have to be creative and careful; our parents are going to be watching us like hawks” Tate says as he continues to dry hump me.
“Uh, Tate we need to talk about something, that’s kind of why I asked you to meet me here.”
“What, are you fucking kidding me? You’re not breaking up with me are you?”
I tell him he’s being an idiot and I would never break up with him and then I drop the bomb, “I’m working at a cheer camp for six weeks. I’ll have one week after school gets out but then I’ll be gone all of July and the first two weeks in August. It’s a great opportunity for me, lots of college scouts will be there and they’re paying me to do it so I’ll have money for stuff.”
“What the fuck, Brooklynn? When were you going to tell me about this? How long have you been hiding this from me? I’m finally going to be out of that fucking jail my parents call home and you’re taking off for six fucking weeks?”
I explain about the people who were at the competition where Tate’s problems all began, and how when my mom called them they told her that I had great potential and that the top colleges send their cheer coaches to scout at these camps and I could get a scholarship to even University of Kentucky. They have the best cheer team ever and I would kill to cheer there. Tate seems to be getting less mad, I think he’s trying to be supportive after the whole competition debacle.
That is until I say my next words, “There’s one problem, something you are not going to like but there’s nothing I can do about it so you’re going to have to find a way to be okay with it. Everyone is paired up with a partner for stunts and that is the person you travel with from camp to camp and do the demonstrations with.”
Before I can tell him it’s a boy Tate starts laughing.
“Are you about to tell me that I have to be okay with you doing “stunts”, demonstrations and spending all your time with some guy? That is what you’re about to say isn’t it?”
I admit that it is and Tate starts kisses me again which is very confusing. I push him off me so he has to look at me.
“You do know that he’s going to be gay, right? I mean what guy wants to be a cheerleader? No offense, Brook but it’s not really the sport of choice amongst us dudes. Tell you what; consider me fine with it until you meet the dude. I’m going to give you strict rules before you leave me for six weeks and the first one is to report back to me about this guy. If he turns out to be straight I will find a way to get to where you are and mark MY territory one way or another.”
We resume our kissing and I’m glad when Tate flips us over so I’m on top of him, at least now I can breathe better. We spend the next half hour kissing and fooling around in the back of Wendy’s car.
Chapter 5: The Reawakening
Tate and I spend the day riding around California. Tate is helping me to get acclimated to my new surroundings, showing me places I’ll need to know. Until we can make some decisions or depending on those decisions California will be home to me. But to be honest, to me it really doesn’t matter; home for me has always been wherever Tate is.
For some of the trip we are quiet in each other’s company for long stretches of time while other parts of our trip we can’t stop talking. After all these years together it’s a miracle we have anything to say to one another but we somehow always do. We hold hands and from time to time Tate strokes my bare thigh with his thumb causing a chill to run up my spine in the ninety degree California heat.
We pass a salon that I take note of, I’m in desperate need of their various services. Tate takes me by different restaurants he says he wants us to try and some that he claims are “pure shit’. When we approach a block of store fronts and businesses he tells me to pull over. Tate slides out of the passenger seat and comes around to my side and opens my door for me.
“Time to slide baby, I have something to show you.”
We walk into a building with floor to ceiling windows in the lobby. There is a fountain and a receptionist. Tate strolls right by her giving her a wave as he goes by. I notice the way she blushes and gives him a second scanning, running her eyes up and down his body. This used to really piss me off when we were younger but I’ve learned to accept the fact that Tate is a very handsome man and girls will always look at him, even if they are way too young for him like this one.
We pass the bank of elevators and go down a private hallway on the first floor. When we get to the door I notice the sign. “Taylor Studios Inc.” it reads and for a moment I assume its Tate’s California office. But then he opens the door and I realize it’s a studio for me. It is a massive space with beautiful light hardwood floors, mirrors from floor to ceiling on all four walls and a state of the art sound system. Tate smiles tentatively at me waiting for my approval and takes me in his arms smothering me with kisses when he sees my smile.
“I was hoping for that response. So that means you’ll stay here at least for a little while so we can try to work some things out? I don’t mean we have to stay here forever but with everything I have going on right now I need to be here but I can’t be away from you any longer.”
I agree that I’ll stay in California and
try to repair our marriage. I love Tate, I always have, and walking away from him without a fight is not an option. I hope walking away from him will never have to be an option with or without a fight.
Tate takes my hand, “Now let me show you to your office Mrs. Taylor. I think we need to break in your desk, sofa, and maybe even the floor!” he laughs.
My new office is gorgeous, Tate has great taste, and he shares my love of modern clean lines and a minimalistic look. The colors of the space are muted earth tones which set off the dark wood desk, the floors are light hardwood. There is a window behind my desk with floor to ceiling pale blue curtains. The sofa has pillows in bright red and orange to give the room some pop and add to the modern feel. There is a water feature hanging on one wall that emits the most soothing sound. On the other wall there is a massive fish tank with vibrant colored saltwater fish swimming about. It may possibly be the most soothing, comforting place on this earth aside from Tate’s arms. Just by looking at the space I know Tate’s cousin, Damian’s design firm run by his best friend, Alex is responsible and I make a mental note to call and thank him.
“So maybe the sofa first I’m thinking” Tate says as he reaches for me making me laugh. He is already grabbing at the bottom of my shirt tugging it over my head. I see the look in his eyes and it arouses me instantly. I pull Tate’s shirt over his head and rub my hand over his hard pectoral muscles making him tighten them and moan at my touch.