by Sarah Dosher
“Lily, please try and understand. I was young and obviously stupid. I thought I was doing you a favor. Easton wasn’t a big fan of anything romantic between us, plus I was about to leave for college. I know it didn’t end up the way I planned, but I really was trying to make things better by ending it then. I figured you would move on quickly and someday we’d find our way back to each other.”
“I know that’s what you thought, but you were wrong. I don’t understand why you couldn’t be my friend. That’s what I needed. What happened was hard enough, I don’t think you understand what you did to me when you completely left my life.” I saw the storm clouds return to her eyes and knew this time that I was the one who had put them there.
“I know. It was all horrible timing and I could never show you how sorry I am. After that crap I pulled with Mindi, you wouldn’t talk to me. I tried to apologize and explain myself, but you wouldn’t let me and then the tornado hit. I thought my presence would only bring you more pain, that’s all I seemed to do anyway. I truly thought you’d be better off once I was gone.”
“Well you were wrong. I truly cared for you and in my own immature way I did love you, but I don’t even know who that girl is anymore and I can’t continue to feel sorry for her and everything that happened. I have to grow up and move forward. Goodbye, Dean.” She practically ran to the trail that would lead her away from me…probably forever.
“Every day I wish I would have stayed, I don’t even know what made me run away. Fear, I guess. Please tell me I didn’t ruin my one chance at happiness. Why can’t we give it one more try?”
She stopped, but kept her back turned to me. “How could you do this to me now? You can’t fight your way back into my heart. You shattered everything I thought I knew about us. I used to think if I missed you enough, you’d come back to me. I put you above everyone else and that’s why I have to walk away now. I can’t do that ever again.”
I ran to my car as fast as my legs would carry me. I didn’t want him to see me cry and I didn’t want him to know everything I’d just confessed was a complete lie. I wanted to run back to him so he could make me worthy of his love, make me feel whole again. But I’m not, I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. I should have been with Easton when the tornado hit; I should have died that night and for that I’m living in the hell I deserve.
I hadn’t made it back to my car when I heard a truck start near the road. I turned to see Dean’s truck sitting on the side of the road, his headlights turned on. Luckily my car wasn’t parked on the main road, so I didn’t think he could see me. Just in case I hid behind a tree and waited for him to drive away. He must have been looking for me because several minutes passed before I heard his truck shift gears and the sound of the road under his tires. I waited until I was sure he was gone before I came from behind the tree.
It was completely dark and hard to see, but as I approached my car I noticed something was wrong. I opened the driver’s side door to allow light to filter out and saw that both tires on the driver’s side were completely flat. I knew better than to drive through the brush to hide my car, but at that time I was too consumed with thoughts of Dean and our beach to worry about running something over. I was left with only one way of getting home - walking. I gathered my backpack and camera from the car and started the three mile journey to my house.
The rain boots I wore had collected so much mud from the dirt road that they probably weighed twenty pounds each. The further I got down the road, the harder it was to walk. Finally my house appeared from the darkness, but so did my father’s truck. I had to make it to the side of the house and in the door without him hearing me. Once I reached the grass of our yard, I took off my boots and socks with the hope it would help me be a little quieter.
When I got within ten feet of the door that led to my bedroom, I could smell cigarette smoke. My father was near.
“Well, look who finally decided to show up,” he slurred, stepping out of the shadows.
I reached for the keypad to unlock my door, but he stepped in my way and pushed me backwards.
“Tsk, tsk, Liliana. I don't think you wanna go and do that now. I'm pissed at you as it is. Do you wanna go and make it worse on yourself?”
“What do you want?” I hoped he couldn’t hear my voice shaking. He moved closer and I knew I was trapped.
“Where’ve you been, little one?”
“I was in town taking pictures for school.”
“Hmm, in town taking pictures? That's it? That’s what I’m supposed to believe?” With every question he moved a little closer. He was glaring at me and I lowered my head to avoid his expression that was a mix of playfulness and hate.
“Yes, that's where I've been.”
“You wouldn't feel the need to lie to your good ole' dad, would you? Because you see, I might know that you were, in fact, not in town all night.” He reached towards my face and I instinctively flinched away. His hand stopped momentarily and then brushed the hair out of my eyes and off my shoulder. He grabbed my shoulders tight, digging his fingers into my flesh, and pushed me against the door. I had to control my urge to scream. It would have been a waste of energy since there was no one around to hear anyway.
“I was in town most of the evening, but on my way home I stopped by the river to take pictures of sunflowers for my photography class.” The words left my mouth so fast I didn’t know if he would even understand them.
“So that's why that piece of crap car you drive was hidden behind the trees? Taking pictures? That's all you were doing? Don’t you dare try to lie to me.”
I didn’t really understand his questions. What did he want? “Yes, I was taking pictures. I got a flat tire and had to walk home.”
“Oh, you didn't get a flat tire. You got two slashed tires.” He laughed so loud I wanted to cover my ears, but I didn’t want to risk moving.
“What do you want?” I finally asked again, hoping to end this.
“Cash. And you’re gonna give it to me. You've been holding out on me like the little tease your momma raised you to be. You've got your room locked up tighter than Fort Knox and I'm tired of waiting around for you to remember who’s in charge here.”
“Okay, I'll give you the money. Just let me go.”
He jerked me forward until I was pressed against his body. I instinctively placed my hands on his chest and fought the urge to push him away. The last thing I wanted to do was provoke him further. “You’re not the boss, little girl. You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do. You understand me?”
“Yes,” I barely squeaked out before he pushed me back against the door with his body.
“Oh, I think you've forgotten our many lessons. You seem to be in need of a refresher on how little girls behave and how they should treat their daddy.” He used his left hand to grab the hair on the back of my head and pulled, forcing me to look up at him. He removed his right hand from my shoulder, still holding my body in place with his own, and gently ran his hand down my cheek and across my upper chest. “I know you were with that boy tonight. You will not lie to me about it like I'm some idiot drunk. You belong to me. You will stay away from that boy and do as I tell you.”
“Dean showed up while I was taking pictures. We talked for a few minutes and then I went to my car and found the tires were flat and started walking home. That's all that happened.”
He pushed his face into my hair and put his mouth next to my ear. “You better hope that's all that happened. If I see you around him again, I will kill him. And you, little one, you will only wish you were dead.” He didn’t know that I’d already made that wish so many times that if it was going to come true, it would have by now.
“I’ll stay away from him, I promise, but he’s working at the school in some of my classes.”
“Fine, but outside of school you stay away from him and don't let him put his hands on you. That boy is worthless. Even his own mother couldn't stand to stick around and raise him. Only that hag, Violet, was willi
ng to put up with him.”
I'd never actually been told where Dean's parents were or why he was raised by Violet. Growing up I didn't really give it much thought. My own parents weren't around much, so it never really occurred to me that Dean's weren't at all.
“Yes, Father.”
I assumed my best bet was to give him what he wanted. I didn’t have long until I would be gone from here and I wanted things to remain calm until that time.
“Now, where’s my money?” He leaned so close to my face that I could smell the bitter stench of stale whiskey and felt his overgrown whiskers on my face.
“I dropped my bag and my wallet is in it. I don't have much cash, but I can get more tomorrow.” He stepped back, releasing me as I bent down to get my bag. I took out my wallet, removed the only cash I had and gave it to him.
“$47? That's it? Exactly what am I supposed to do with this?” He quickly shoved the cash in the pocket of his hooded sweatshirt, then looked at me.
“That's all I have now, but I can give you more tomorrow. I didn't know you needed any or I would have left you some.”
“You didn't know I needed any? You think you have some power over me because you finally got the blood money your mommy left for you? You’ll never have an ounce of control over me, do you hear?” I didn’t see his fist so I wasn’t prepared when it struck the side of my face, sending me crashing to the ground. “You’re nothing! You shouldn't even be on this earth. All of this is your fault and you’ll pay the price.”
I felt the weight of his foot on my back, pushing me into the muddy ground. I couldn’t breathe as he continued to press me harder. I turned my head from side to side, trying to find air to fill my lungs. Finally he removed his foot from my back. He wrapped his hand around my arm and flipped me over.
“I think we’re getting somewhere now. Do you think you understand the arrangement we have a little better?” He slowly kneeled and ran his hand from my forehead down my cheek to the middle of my chest, putting a small amount of pressure to hold me down. “Answer me!”
“Yes, I understand.”
“Good.” He wiped some of the mud off my face with his hand. “Do you know how much you look like her? You have the same hair and the exact same eyes. If only you’d learn your place like your mother did, your life wouldn’t be so rough.” He stood. “I’ll be expecting my money by this time tomorrow and you'd better make it enough to last me a while because I'd hate to give you a refresher course so soon. Oh, and little one? You better keep your word and stay away from that worthless boy. If I see or hear otherwise you’ll both pay and you should know by now that I follow through with every threat I make.”
I laid on the cold ground until I heard his truck pulling away from the house. I tried to sit, but my head was throbbing so I laid on my back and stared up at the sky. Sometimes I couldn’t fathom how my life had turned into this. I always knew my family had issues, but I had been too young to see how my father truly was. His comments made me think back to numerous times he would fight with my mother. I had just assumed it was normal. Now I understood their relationship must have been exactly like this, but she had apparently learned how to please him and avoid his abuse. I tried to remember if my mother or Easton ever had any marks or bruises on them, but I wasn’t able to think of a single time. Maybe this was my punishment for still being alive, for being here when those I loved were dead.
I was awakened by Red shrieking. I was still outside, lying on the muddy ground shivering from the cold; I must have fallen asleep. Red continued to scream at me from his perch on the fence post a few feet away. I picked up a rock near me and tossed it toward him. I think he got the point because he finally shut up.
I tried to stand, but my muscles ached from the struggle with my father. Every inch I moved, I felt my muscles pull tighter. The cold had seeped into my body and made my young joints creaky. I could feel my eye swelling and I guessed that by tomorrow it would be a lovely mix of black and blue. My lip felt busted and I could still taste the nasty metallic blood in my mouth. I ran my tongue across my lips and felt a sharp pain shoot through my whole face when it touched the gash.
I inched my way to the door and opened it slowly, poking my head into the room to look around. I was afraid of what might be waiting for me on the other side. It was exactly how I’d left it, but better safe than sorry was still the best option for me. Red flew toward me and landed on the windowsill to my right. I could see his yellow eyes looking over my bruised face and body.
“Thanks for waking me up,” I said, as I turned my head from side to side mimicking his movements. He let out one last small scream, then flew away. I noticed a feather fall on the step near my foot and picked it up. I’d add it to my collection of Red’s pictures on my wall.
I really just wanted to go to bed. I started to remove my filthy clothes and saw clumps of dirt fall to the floor. I had to take a shower. I was covered from head to toe with crusty mud and the warm water would probably help with my soreness. The clock on my bedside table told me it wasn’t quite midnight so it wasn’t late enough for my father to have drank all my money at the bar - I should be safe. I quickly gathered what I needed and made my way to the bathroom across the house.
I was awake long before my alarm beeped at me. After my shower last night I couldn’t get comfortable. My entire body hurt. I finally took a pain reliever, but it didn’t seem to help at all so I was awake long before the sun, trying to hide the damage to my face. It really didn’t look so bad. I'd definitely had worse. I knew that no matter how much makeup I caked on my face, everyone would still see it. But I also knew no one would really care because it wasn’t like this was something new.
My eye was swollen and showed definite signs of black and blue. The amount of dark grey makeup I put on helped camouflage it a little. Okay, maybe that was just wishful thinking, but I had to at least try to cover it up because that’s how we played the game. I got hit, turned varying shades of black and blue, pretended I was some famous makeup artist while trying to cover it up, and everyone acted like they couldn’t see it. The guilt that anchored me to my father was what had kept us playing this game successfully for years. However, this time my busted lip was harder to hide. It was very swollen with a long cut that ran vertically over my top and bottom lip. I knew leaving it alone was best. I'd learned that trying to hide wounds on your lips only made them look worse than they already did.
Figuring out a way to get to school with two flat tires was difficult. I debated sending Adley a text, asking if Violet could drive us to school, but since it was so early I decided to just walk the few miles to Violet's house and wait for her to wake up. Maybe the walk would help clear my head and the cool air would help with the swelling. Waiting at Violet’s house I ran the risk of seeing Dean, but having them come to my house to get me meant they could run into my father which would only make things worse. My rain boots were still sitting outside, so I slipped them on and started walking.
It was a little after 7 a.m. when the sun started to peek from behind the horizon. The temperature couldn’t have been above freezing. I was glad I’d layered my clothes and thrown on the only heavy coat I owned. I was less than a mile from Violet’s house when I heard the pounding of feet and heavy breathing. Not far in front of me, Dean rounded the corner and came to a complete stop. He was dressed in dark sweat pants with no trace of a shirt, his hair was tousled and steam was rising off his sweaty body.
Holy abs! Who knew men actually had abs like that! I thought that was something you only saw on the cover of romance novels. He looked exactly like the Dean I had been dreaming about for years.
His eyes were searching my face and his surprised expression quickly turned menacing. I was so busy drooling over him that I had forgotten about the marks on my face. I instinctively dunked my head, allowing my long hair to cover the damage.
“Lily, what are you doing out here?” he finally asked.
“Um, my car…tire…flat,” was the only reply I coul
d come up with. My heart was pounding in my chest and butterflies danced in my stomach. He took several steps in my direction and I looked up into his black eyes, clearly seeing concern mixed with anger. I knew the anger wasn’t directed at me, but it still sent tingles down my spine. He reached out and gently ran his thumb across my bottom lip, causing a tiny spark of pain on my tender lip. But his touch also caused the butterflies in my stomach to reproduce until I felt like I was choking on them.
“What happened? You didn’t have this last night?” His eyebrows were drawn together as his eyes searched my face for answers I knew I’d never give him. I stepped away from his hand and lowered my head again.
“Nothing. My car has a flat tire that I thought I could fix myself, but obviously I’m too clumsy for my own good.” I shrugged my shoulders and peeked at his face to see if he believed my story.
“Lily, please don’t lie to me. You can lie to yourself all you want, but I know what that man is capable of. I saw it myself and I’m not gonna believe your made-up stories. So, are you still gonna say this happened trying to fix a flat tire?” This time the anger I saw was directed at me, but I would rather have his anger than his pity.
“Yes, I can’t help it that I’m clumsy,” I snapped back at him.
“That’s the excuse you’re going to use? Really?”
I ignored his comments and continued to walk toward Violet’s house. After a few seconds, Dean appeared by my side.
“I’m sorry. I wish you trusted me enough to tell me what happened, but I also don’t blame you if you can’t yet. I just hope one day you will.” He took my hand in his and lightly kissed it.