A Will To Change (Hope)

by Beth Rinyu

  Christmas and New Year’s had come and gone. I was burying myself in work, taking on all of the overtime shifts that I could. I found that the more I worked, the less I slept, lessening my chances of the nightmares that were quickly becoming a nightly thing. Part of my New Year's resolution was to finally find a place of my own. I appreciated what Will had done for me over these past few months by allowing me to stay with him but, at the same time, I felt like I was cramping his style. Every time I would bring it up to him or ask him to come and look at apartments with me, he would quickly dismiss it. As much as I would have loved to stay with him forever, I didn't want to take advantage of his generosity. Not to mention that I wasn't liking the butterflies I would get in my stomach when I would see him walk out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around his waist and water beading off his rock hard chest, or the longing that I would feel when he would give me an innocent hug or a simple kiss on the cheek. I hated the nights that he wouldn't come home, knowing that he was out doing his thing. These were all things that I shouldn't have been feeling for just a friend. At least if I had a place of my own, I would be spared from knowing some of it.

  I had just gotten home from work. My throat and head were killing me, and I had been fighting the chills all day long. Will was just getting ready to leave for the hockey game that he was going to with his dad. “Gabby girl, you look horrible.”

  “Yeah, I feel it, too. What time is your game?”

  “Seven.” He rolled his eyes.

  “It will be a great time, Will. You'll see!” I reassured him.

  I flopped down on the couch, feeling like I could fall asleep at any second. Will took a seat next to me. “You've been working too much. Your body is run down,” he said.

  I waved my hand in a dismissing manner. “After a glass of orange juice and a couple of Vitamin C's, I’ll be good as new.”

  He placed his cool hand on my forehead. “You're burning up, Gabby.”

  “I'm fine.” He got up from the couch and went into the kitchen, coming back with a glass of water and two Advil. “You need to go to bed and get a good night's sleep.”

  “I will,” I said, rolling my eyes. “So, are you all ready for your game?”

  “Oh yeah, can hardly wait!” he teased. “Are you going to be okay? I can cancel if you need me here.”

  “Nice try, but I will be fine! Go have a good time!”

  He got up from the couch and grabbed his keys. “Oh, Peterson is supposed to stop by in a little bit to drop off some work forms that I need to fill out. Will you be up, or did you want me to just tell him to slide them under the door?”

  “Nah, I should be up. I'm going to try and make it for another few hours. I need to catch up on my shows that I DVR'd.”

  “Okay. Feel better, Gabby.” He smiled that beautiful smile that was better than any medicine in the world.

  “Thanks. Have a great time.” He made sure that he gave me one last sarcastic grin before walking out the door.

  I made myself a cup of tea and curled up on the couch to watch my shows, slowly drifting off to sleep.

  The walls were caving in and I couldn't breathe. I heard my dad calling my name, but I couldn't get to him. My mother's face flashed before my eyes and, all of sudden, I was a little girl at my aunt's beach house, playing with my cousins in the water as my dad sat on the beach, smiling at us while we splashed around.

  “That's far enough!” my dad shouted, causing me to look back up at the beach but, this time, he was gone. Where did he go?

  “Daddy, daddy!” I shouted as I ran out of the water.

  “Daddy!” I screamed, lifting my head off the couch at the buzzing of the doorbell. I looked around, trying to figure out where I was, finally waking up a bit more and realizing that it was just a dream. I was drenched in sweat, guessing that my fever had broken while I was sleeping. I quickly hopped off the couch when the door buzzed again. I looked through the peephole, making sure that it was Brian before I answered it.

  “Hey there,” I said, trying to sound somewhat human through my scratchy voice.

  “Gabby, are you okay? You don't look so good.”

  “I think I'm getting sick. You may want to keep your distance.”

  He waved his hand in the air in a dismissing manner. “Nah, I don't get sick.” He placed the papers that he was holding on the coffee table. “These are for douche bag.” I laughed at the little terms of endearments that he and Will always would use for one another. I sat back down, feeling a little light-headed. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?” he asked.

  “No, I'm good. Thanks.”

  He took a seat next to me on the couch, looked down at the floor, and nervously fidgeted with the zipper on his jacket before clearing his throat and looking back up at me. “So, I wanted to ask you if you'd be up for a movie or dinner sometime.”

  Boy, was he desperate or something? I could only imagine what I looked like right now and he wanted to go out with me? “Sure, that would be great!” I smiled at the cute boyish grin that appeared on his face. “And, I promise, I'll be a little more presentable than I am right now.”

  “You look beautiful, Gabby. You always look beautiful.”

  “Well, aren't you sweet?”

  He raked his hand through his hair and bit his bottom lip. “Um…I guess I should have asked this question first.”

  “What's that?”

  “Well, Will said that you guys are just friends. I just wanted to make sure that was true before we go out.”

  Just hearing those words sliced through my heart and I hated it. I hated that I wanted to be more than just friends with Will. I forced a smile. “Yup. Will and I are just pals.”

  “Okay, good. I just didn't want to -.”

  “Got ya! But you're perfectly safe there.”

  “Well, then, can I get your number?” He pulled out his phone and programmed my number into it. After we agreed to set something up for the end of the week, he got up from the couch. “You don't have to get up,” he said as I started to lift myself from the couch to walk him to the door.

  “Thanks,” I smiled, knowing that I didn't have an ounce of energy left.

  “I'll talk to you later this week, Gabby.”

  “Sounds good,” I responded as I watched him walk out the door.

  I pulled the blanket from the back of couch and cocooned myself in it. A date with Brian. He certainly was handsome and his personality was so much like Will's that it was scary. I sighed heavily, thinking about Will's reaction when he finds out about this. I closed my eyes, no longer able to fight off my sleepiness. Everything was going to be fine. Will and I were just friends. He would be perfectly fine with me dating one of his best friends - I hoped.

  My dad was already waiting for me when I arrived at Madison Square Garden. “Late, as usual,” he said.

  Gabby, I’m gonna kill you for making me do this! “Yeah, sorry. I hit traffic.” I looked down at my watch. We still had twenty minutes before the game started so I didn’t know what he was bitchin’ about.

  We went inside and found our seats. “I haven’t been to a hockey game in years. In fact, the last time I went was with you. Remember? Jamie came down with the stomach flu at the last minute, and just you and I ended up going?” I nodded, finding it hard to believe that he actually remembered. “Thanks for inviting me.”

  “Welcome,” I muttered.

  “How’d you manage these great seats?” he asked.

  “Oh, they were a Christmas present from Gabby.”

  “Gabby?” A rare smile flashed across his face. I nodded, then instantly became pissed at myself for letting him in on that little bit of information. “Well, it sounds like things are serious between you two.”

  “Gabby and I are just friends. Good friends.”

  “Will, I know you’re a grown man and don’t need any advice from me about women. But besides being beautiful, that girl has got the personality of a firecracker. I like her, a lot, and you know I don’t imp
ress very easily.”

  I chuckled, just thinking about Gabby and her spitfire personality. “Yeah, she’s a great girl.”

  “Well, then, I don’t get it. Why just friends?”

  God, I wasn’t going there with my dad. We never talked about anything, especially not women. “Just because. She’s different.” “Different how?”

  I took a deep breath. The last thing I felt like doing was having this discussion with my dad. “Gabby and me…we're just different. I don't know how to explain it. She took care of me when I was hurt, and I just connected with her.”

  “When you were hurt?” He raised his eyebrow in confusion.

  Fuck! Damn it, Will! You said too much. I bit my lip and sucked it up. I had no choice but to tell him now. I rolled up my shirt sleeve, revealing the blatant scarring on my arm. His eyes widened as he looked it over. “What the hell happened?”

  “A fire. My arm got a little burned. Gabby was the nurse that took care of me when I was in the hospital.”

  “When were you in the hospital?” I wasn’t sure if it was anger or concern in his voice.

  “Back in the summer.”

  “Jesus Christ, Will! Why the hell didn't you tell me or your mother about this?!” I looked away and shrugged my shoulders. “Damn it. You could have been killed, and your mother and I didn't know a damn thing about it. Do you ever stop to think about other people's feelings?!” he shouted. This time it was clearly anger in his voice.

  “I didn't say anything because I didn't feel like hearing your lecture. Okay, Dad?”

  He shook his head in confusion. “What lecture?”

  “Oh, come on, Dad. That was the perfect opportunity for you to tell me ‘I told you so’ about my job and what a fuck up I am.”

  He stared at me, speechless, and shook his head. “Do you really think I'm that heartless to not care about my own son and would rejoice in your misery?” His eyes became glassy. “I know I'm hard on you, Will, but it’s only because I care about you and want you to have everything out of life.” I looked away and nodded. “I know that maybe some of the things I say to you come out wrong. Maybe I do that to mask my own fear. I just wish you had chosen a career that didn't make me worry about you every day of my life. Every time the phone rings, I take a deep breath, afraid that it's going to be ‘the call’.”

  “What call?”

  “The one telling me that my son died putting out a fire. September 11th -.” He shook his head, trying to regain his composure. “The fear in your mother’s eyes on that day, and not knowing where you were and if you were okay… It was the worst feeling in the world. And the selfish part of me hoped that it would have been a wakeup call as to what your job was all about. You were still so young. I was praying that you would change your mind and decide to go back to college. But it just seemed to make your stubborn ass even more determined. So I guess I faulted you all these years for my own selfish reasons because I can’t bear the thought of anything ever happening to you. You are the most stubborn person that I know and it makes me nuts, but I love you, Will. You will never know how much until you have kids of your own. I know I'm a lot harder on you than your brother, but Jamie has Hope to keep him straight. I worry about you because you have no one. More than anything, I want for you to settle down with a nice girl to keep you in line, and Gabby is the one. The way she jumped to your defense on Thanksgiving? She cares about you, Will. Don’t let your stubborn ways blind you to that.”

  Now I was the one that was speechless. I couldn't remember the last time that my dad had told me that he loved me or acted like he even cared, for that matter. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything, but I knew that moment would be something I would never forget.

  Even though the Rangers blew it in the final period, we had a great time. I hung out with my dad in Penn Station while he waited for his track number to pop up on the screen. “I had a really nice time, Will. Thanks for inviting me.”

  “No problem,” I said.

  “Track eleven,” he said as his train finally flashed up on the screen, and the droves of people hovering around the monitor scattered down the steps to make sure they didn't miss it.

  “Don't get trampled on,” I joked.

  He looked at me and smiled before pulling me into a hug. “I love you, Will, and I am very proud of you.”

  “Love you, too, Dad,” I whispered, hugging him back.

  “See ya soon,” he said, turning around and disappearing into the crowd.

  I stood there for a little while longer, just staring into space. Gabby was right. It wasn't too late to make another memory.

  I was fairly certain that the way that I was feeling when I awoke the next morning was pretty close to death. I was so congested that I couldn’t breathe, my throat was on fire, and every muscle in my body ached. Reaching for my phone, I dialed the number to the hospital. There was no way in hell that I could work today. It was taking every ounce of energy just to hold my phone. After speaking to the nursing supervisor on duty, I quickly closed my eyes once again. How could I still feel exhausted after sleeping all night? I was just falling back to sleep when I was woken up by a knock on my door.

  I lifted my head from my pillow to find Will standing in the doorway. “Hey, sleeping beauty. Weren’t you supposed to be to work by seven today?”

  I waved my hand to shoo him away. I didn’t want him to come any further and take a chance of getting whatever it was that I had. “Don’t come any further unless you want to experience what hell feels like.”

  He completely ignored me, taking a seat on the side of my bed. “Will, you need to keep your distance. Trust me. You don’t want to get this.”

  “Nah, I don’t get sick.” What the hell was it with guys and “I don’t get sick”, then when they did, they were the biggest babies on earth? He placed his cool hand on my head. “You need some Advil.”

  “No. I need a bullet to put me out of my misery.” He stared at me and smiled. I tried my best to muster a smile back, but even my face hurt. “So, how was the hockey game?”

  “It was... It was actually a good time.”

  “Told ya.”

  “Thanks for talking me into doing it, Gabby.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Hey, where are you going? I’ll get you whatever you need,” he said as I sat up.

  “I have to pee. Don’t think you can do that for me.” I smirked. “But you can boil me some water for tea. You know how to do that, right?”

  “Even when you’re sick you’re a wise ass, aren’t ya?”

  I nodded and went off to the bathroom. “Oh shit,” I whispered, suddenly remembering that I was down to my last two tampons because I was too exhausted to stop off at the pharmacy after work yesterday. I threw some cold water on my face and brushed my teeth. As I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t help but think I could be making a killing playing an extra in a zombie movie. I went back into my room and threw on a pair of leggings and my oversized hoodie.

  “Your water’s ready,” Will said, looking a little like he was in shock when he saw me slipping on my boots. “What the hell are you doing?!”

  “I have to run up the street to the pharmacy.”

  “Gabby, you are not going anywhere. You have a fever and it’s freezing out. Just tell me what you need and I’ll get it for you.”

  “Oh no, Will. I think you’d rather if I go for this.”

  “Gabby, quit arguing with me. Tell me what you need.”

  “Tampons!” I blurted out. Even though it hurt to laugh, I couldn’t help it. The look on his face was priceless.

  “Ah, Gabby, you kill me!”

  “I’ll go and get them, silly.”

  “No, I’ll do it,” he relented. “Just tell me what the hell I’m supposed to be getting.”

  I went into the bathroom and showed him the box. He glanced at it quickly, like his eyes were going to burn from looking at it. I loved how guys could talk about the grossest sexual things, but they wo
uld get so embarrassed over a natural process in a woman’s life.

  “Do you want to take this box with you?” I teased.

  “No, smart ass!”

  “Well, how about just a tampon. You can stick it in your pocket.” I pulled one out of the box and watched him back away in disgust, sending me into a bout of laughter once again, causing me to have a coughing fit in the process.

  “See, you’re being punished for being a wise ass.”

  I went into the kitchen and quickly grabbed a glass of water. It felt like hot lava going down my throat, but at least it helped subside the coughing. “I will go, Will. Really -.”

  He shook his head and grabbed his keys. “Just shut up. I’m going. Just remember this.”

  “Oh, I will, and every time I do, I’ll be laughing!” I shouted as he walked out the door.

  Surprisingly, I was feeling a tiny bit better when I finally pulled myself out of bed around dinnertime. I still wasn’t up for running marathons, but at least I felt like I could sit up and watch TV. I giggled as I looked at the four boxes of tampons of all different shapes and sizes sitting on my dresser. Will had a complete brain freeze in the pharmacy and just grabbed a box of each. The shower was running as I walked out of my room and into the kitchen. I was looking forward to spending the night in front of the TV with Will. I still needed to hear all about his hockey game last night. I was so out of it this morning that I didn’t have a chance to get all of the details. I took a can of chicken soup from the cupboard and was just about to go knock on the bathroom door to ask Will if he wanted some when a text message from Janelle flashed across his phone that was sitting on the kitchen counter.

  K…meet me at my place in a half-hour.

  My heart sank. Stupid! Why would he want to hang out with my sick ass when he could be getting laid? I put the can of soup back into the cupboard. Suddenly, I wasn’t feeling hungry anymore. I crawled back into bed and closed my eyes, wishing that I could fall back to sleep.