A Will To Change (Hope)

by Beth Rinyu

  I stepped out of the bathroom and jumped when I saw Gabby standing in my bedroom doorway. She must have come back when I was in the shower. “You know what I just realized?” She smiled as if nothing happened between the two of us just a short time ago.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “Today is Valentine’s Day.” I nodded. “So who’s the lucky girl?” I shook my head in confusion. “The lucky girl that gets to spend Valentine’s Day with you.”

  “Oh, no one. I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. It’s a made up holiday.”

  She placed her hand on her hip and shook her head. “Well, this girl does, and since I don’t have a valentine to spend it with, I’m going to spend it with my friend, if he wants to.”

  “Oh yeah, and who would that friend be?” I asked.

  “My one and only true friend in this whole wide world. The one that always has my back and would do anything for me, and vice versa. Oh, and just in case you haven’t realized who I’m talking about - it’s you, genius.”

  I couldn’t hold back my smile. I didn’t know what I did to deserve this girl in my life, but she was here and I would do everything in my power to make damn sure that she stayed here forever.

  After spending the entire afternoon walking around the city, Will and I finally found a restaurant that wasn’t super packed for dinner. We walked inside and were drowning in a sea of tacky red and pink hearts. Dean Martin’s That’s Amore was blasting through the speakers. I couldn’t help but notice that every single table was for two only. “Well, I guess you’re screwed if you’re into the ménage à trois thing,” I whispered to Will as the hostess led us to our table. We took our seats and I looked over the special Valentine’s Day menu, which I guessed were items from their regular menu with clever little Valentine names. Cupid’s Crab Cakes and Lover’s Lamb Chops were just a few. And I was fairly certain that those cute little names jacked the prices up five to ten dollars more.

  Will and I were having such a great time that I didn’t want to bring up anything from this morning, but I knew that I had to tell him about the apartment I had gone to look at. I waited until after the waiter brought our drinks, knowing that we wouldn’t have any more interruptions for a while.

  “So, my friend from work’s sister is in London for a few months and needs someone to stay at her place and take over her rent payments.” I didn’t like the way that Will was staring at me. I could tell that he wasn’t happy hearing this news. “It’s really close to the hospital and it’s in my price range.”

  “Well, that’s just stupid,” he blurted out.

  “Why?” I asked, defensively.

  “What’s the point? Why are you going to move somewhere temporarily just to have to move again once this chick comes back?”

  Why did he always have to play devil’s advocate when the topic of me moving came up? I shrugged my shoulders. “Well, at least it will force me to find a place. I mean, let’s face it. I have become a little lax where that’s concerned since I moved in with you.”

  “So what? You can stay there forever, Gabby. You know that.”

  God, why did he have to make this ten times harder than it already was? Why couldn’t he see that this was the best thing for both of us, even if it wasn’t what either of us wanted? “Well, thanks, Will, but you need your life back. The one you had before I so rudely barged into your apartment and decided to wear out my welcome.”

  He shook his head. “You never barged into my apartment. I want you there. And what makes you think that I want that old life back?”

  I took a sip of my wine and stared into his eyes. I hated that he was being so cryptic, and I just wished he would come out and tell me exactly how he was feeling. I was so confused battling what was in my heart with what was in my head. I had until next week to give Callie a final answer. I thought I had it all figured out, but after hearing Will's thoughts on the situation, it did kind of make sense. If I didn’t decide to take it, I would just have to step up my game and be much more diligent about finding a permanent place. Still, I wasn't going to tell her “no” just yet. I wanted to take the next week to ponder the idea.

  The waiter finally brought out the food, and I was having major entrée envy when I saw Will's plate of pasta sitting next to my plate of chicken.

  “What's the matter?” he asked.

  “Shoulda’ got the pasta.”

  He pushed his plate into the middle of the table. “I share with my friends.”

  I smiled and stuck my fork into his plate, draping one piece of linguini over it. I held the fork up to his mouth so one end of the linguini was touching his lips. “What the heck are you doing?” he asked.

  “Having a Lady and the Tramp moment.”

  He shook his head and smiled. “You're crazy, you know that?”

  “Oh, come on, Will. It’s my favorite Disney movie.” I leaned over the table, taking one end of the linguini in my mouth, giggling as I watched Will reluctantly following suit and taking the other end until our lips were touching each other's. “Now, that's amore,” I said as we both laughed.

  After dinner, we went to Clancy's for a drink. I feigned my best smile when I saw that Janelle was bartending, nearly falling over herself to get to Will. “Hey, you! Where ya been?” she asked.

  “I've been sick and working,” Will replied, half-heartedly.

  “Well, I get off at eleven if you want to -.”

  “Uh…no. I got an early day tomorrow.”

  She sighed heavily, looking a little disheartened. “Oh, okay. Oh, hey, Gabby!” she said, finally noticing me sitting there.

  I waved my hand and smiled, watching her walk away, looking a little defeated.

  “Will, if you want to....you know…I can take a taxi back to your place.” I felt my dinner churning in my stomach with those words.

  “Hey, I'm on a Valentine's Day date with my favorite girl. Why would I leave this for that?” he asked as he took a sip of his beer and pointed his chin in Janelle's direction.

  “Well, I could think of a hundred reasons why, but if that's what you really want…”

  “Really? Because I can't think of one,” he said, sounding much more serious.

  His eyes were piercing into mine and I felt like I needed to think of something to say to break up the awkwardness. “So, Friday is your birthday!”

  He rolled his eyes and took another sip of his beer. “Wow, another year older.”

  “Douche bag!” someone screamed. We both turned around. Will rolled his eyes as Brian and Tim approached us.

  I took a deep breath and looked down at the bar, feeling more awkward than ever. Brian totally understood when I left his place after Will this morning. I think he was feeling a little bad over the whole thing, too. Suddenly, I was feeling like everything that I had tried to make Will forget tonight was now coming back to the surface.

  “What's up?” Will asked. I noticed that he wasn't even able to look Brian in the eye. Brian flashed me a smile when Will wasn't looking. I couldn't help but smile back. The tension was building and you could cut the air with a knife. Tim stared at Will and Brian in confusion, seemingly having no clue as to what had taken place earlier in the day. I hated knowing that I was the reason for this. The last thing I wanted was to affect their friendship.

  “So, who's up for some pool?” I blurted.

  “I'm in!” Tim said right away.

  I raised my eyebrows at Will and Brian, waiting for a response. “Yeah, I guess,” Brian finally responded.

  “Will?” I tilted my head and stared at him.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  “Cool! Tim and I against you and Brian,” I said.

  I ignored Will's roll of the eyes, sliding down from the bar stool and following Tim to the pool table.

  Tim racked up the balls and it only took about ten minutes, and a few more beers, before all was forgotten between Will and Brian. I breathed a sigh of relief, and my overly-competitive self didn’t even mind losing to the two
of them.

  I waited until Will walked off to use the bathroom before making plans with the two of them to meet up on Friday for Will's birthday. Brian waited until Tim wasn't paying attention before pulling me off to the side. “Is Will okay with…?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “He says he is. I don't know.”

  “Well, I would love to get together this week, but I don't want to piss him off.”

  At this point I wasn't sure what was going to set Will off. I just didn't get him. Was he angry because he really thought Brian was going to hurt me, or was he angry because he was jealous? I was really good at reading him but, with this, I was just clueless. If he really was jealous, why didn't he let me know how he was feeling? Will and I talked about everything. There was nothing that was off limits to us, so why would he feel like he couldn't talk to me about his feelings? Did he think that I wouldn't feel the same? Little did he know that I would drop anything or anyone for him.

  Just when I was lost in my pipe dream of Will possibly being in love with me, I was quickly brought back to reality when I looked over to find Janelle with her tongue down his throat and Will looking like he was enjoying every minute of it. Any hesitation that I had about going out with Brian quickly vanished. Turning my attention back to him, I asked, “So, when did you want to get together again?”

  “How about Wednesday night?”

  “Perfect.” I smiled just as Will came walking over. His demeanor had changed back to what it was before our pool game. I wasn't sure if it was because he had a little more alcohol in him or because I was talking to Brian.

  “Ready, Gabby?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I am,” I said, holding out my hand.

  “What?”

  “Keys, please. You had way too much to drink.”

  “Gabby, I'm -.”

  “Now, Will!”

  Reluctantly, he reached into his pocket and placed the keys in my hand. “Do you even have your driver’s license?” he asked.

  “Of course I do. I haven't driven in almost two years, but I'm completely legal,” I giggled.

  “Nice knowin’ ya, Will!” Tim teased as we walked out the door.

  I got into the driver’s seat, and after taking what seemed like an eternity to adjust the seat and mirrors to where I wanted them, I looked over at Will. His eyes were glassy and he looked totally wasted.

  “Gabby?” he slurred, resting his head against the back of the seat. I could tell that he was fighting sleep as he tried to keep his eyes open.

  “Yeah?”

  “If we don't make it back alive - I love you.”

  He closed his eyes, falling into an instant sleep and began to snore.

  I turned the key and smiled as I watched him sleep. “Silly boy - I love you, too,” I whispered.

  Gabby called me earlier in the day to wish me a happy birthday and to tell me that she and a few guys from my job would meet me at Clancy’s after work. Today was the last day of my forty-eight hour shift and I was kind of hoping that the two of us could just spend tonight in front of the TV and order takeout, but I knew she went out of her way to plan this so I couldn't say “no”. The more I was away from her, the more I was missing her. I hated feeling this way. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before, when we truly were “just friends” and my dick didn’t get hard just thinking about her. Even though I knew that I was kidding myself, there was never a time that I didn't have feelings for Gabby. I think I was in love with her from the first day that she walked into my hospital room. Peterson and I hadn't worked the same shift all week, which I was grateful for. I was still pissed at him, even though I knew I had no right to be. But out of all of the girls out there, why did he have to choose my Gabby girl?

  “Hey, douche bag. Happy birthday,” Peterson said as I walked into the bar to find him and Adam already there.

  “Thanks, man,” I mumbled.

  “Will!” Janelle screeched as she came running from behind the bar, throwing her arms around my neck, making me wish more than ever that I was spending tonight with just Gabby. “Happy birthday, baby!” She pressed her lips against mine.

  “Thanks,” I said, pushing her away.

  Adam handed me a beer and began to tell Peterson and me all about the girl that he was with last night. “What about you, man?” Adam asked, turning his attention to Peterson. “Did you get lucky with Gabby the other night?”

  I slammed down the shot of Jack that was sitting in front of me. Gabby didn't tell me that she went out with Peterson again. I felt my insides raging, not wanting to hear the answer to that question. “That is one sweet piece of ass. Will is fuckin’ stupid for not hittin’ that when he had the chance,” Adam continued as Peterson nodded, letting out a loud laugh. I completely removed myself from the conversation and signaled for Janelle to bring me another shot.

  As hard as I tried to block them out, the more I was hearing and the more pissed off I was getting. Was Peterson trying to piss me off on purpose? After I downed a little more alcohol, I finally had enough. “Could you two assholes just shut the fuck up?!”

  “Damn, Will. What the fuck is your problem?” Adam asked.

  I glared at Peterson as he held his hands up in defense. “Sorry, bro. We were just joking. You know the way that you always used to joke around about women.”

  “I fuckin’ told you before. Don’t fuckin’ joke about her because, I swear to God, I hear one more disgusting thing about her come out of either one of your mouths, I will kick both your fuckin’ asses.”

  “Geez, Will, calm down,” Adam said. “Janelle, give Will a little for his birthday so he'll stop being such a miserable bastard!” Adam shouted.

  “Gladly.” Janelle whispered in my ear, “I'm on break in five minutes,” she said, sweeping her hand along the side of my face.

  They quickly shifted the conversation to work, which was another topic that I didn't care to talk about. But it was still better than listening to them talk about Gabby. I was miserable. I didn't want to be there. I didn't even feel like pretending that I wanted to be there. I knew that once Gabby arrived, it was only going to get worse. Seeing her with Peterson was going to tear me up. I pretended to be into their conversation, but my mind was a million miles away as I downed another shot.

  “So, birthday boy.” I jumped when Janelle snuck up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist. “What are your plans for later on?” she asked as her lips gently grazed my neck.

  I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or the fact that I was so pissed off, but the thought of banging the hell out of Janelle seemed like a good way to release some of this anger. “Nothing that I know of. What did you have in mind?”

  “Anything that you want,” she smiled, moving her lips to mine and sticking her tongue down my throat.

  I knew exactly what I wanted and it had nothing to do with Janelle. But, for tonight, she would just have to do.

  I headed down to the locker room at work and changed from my scrubs into my jeans. I removed the elastic band and took out my ponytail, fluffing my hair out with my fingers, just the way Will liked it. After a quick dab of lip gloss, I was on my way, taking the short walk from the hospital to Clancy's. This was the first birthday of Will's that we were celebrating together and I wanted it to be extra special, as a thank you for everything that he had done for me over the past few months. We hadn't seen each other in a few days and I was missing him like crazy. Tomorrow was the day that I needed to give Callie an answer by and I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I was more confused than ever. Every time I thought I would just go for it, Will's face and how much I was going to miss seeing him popped into my mind.

  Brian and I had gone out again the other night, but I hadn't mentioned it to Will. I hated feeling like I was sneaking around behind his back, but I knew it was a sensitive subject for him. I really liked Brian, but he wasn't Will. If it meant choosing between having a relationship with him or a friendship with Will, I would always choose Will. I had to adm
it that Brian’s kiss was to die for, making me wonder what else he was able to do with that tongue. My thoughts of Brian were quickly replaced with thoughts of Will and what it would feel like to be kissing him. As hard as I tried to remove those thoughts, I was having more and more of them and I hated it. I hated that I compared Brian to Will.

  Brian, Will, and Adam were already sitting at the bar when I walked in. “Hey there, birthday boy!” I said to Will. I wanted so badly to give him a kiss on the cheek, but was unable due to the death grip that Janelle had around his neck while she smothered him in kisses.

  My stomach churned a bit, watching the PDA that they were putting on for everyone. I could tell that Will had a little too much to drink because his eyes were glassy as he stared at me like he was looking right through me.

  “Hey, Gabs. What do you want to drink?” Brian asked.

  “Oh, I’ll just have a diet coke for right now.”

  Janelle finally loosened her grip, but not before giving Will a little tongue. She whispered something in his ear and they both laughed before she walked away. I was feeling a little angry and uncomfortable at the same time, wondering what she had said to him.

  “So, did you have a good day?” I asked.

  “Just fuckin’ great,” he said, taking another sip of his beer.

  “Well, I think maybe you should take it a little easy with the drinking.”

  “What are you, my fuckin’ mother?” he said with a sarcastic edge to his voice.

  I didn’t know why he was acting this way and it was starting to piss me off. “What is your prob…?”