Vision of Hope

by S. Moose

  "As long as we're together. Please don't leave me." The tightness in my chest makes it hard to breathe. I would fight for her every day if she left me. Without her, there's no me. She's everything and I'm going to love her harder with each passing day.

  "I'll never leave you, Jensen. Never."

  I toss and turn throughout the night. We're sleeping in the other guest bedroom, down the hall from Brody's old room; well, now the second guest bedroom. I turn my head and watch Fallyn sleep. What she said to me weighs heavy on my mind. I know she won't leave me, but I wonder what she needs to do and why she won't let me do this with her.

  I'm in a place I never thought Fallyn and I would be in. Her words about not leaving play in my head. I have to believe she won't leave and she'll find whatever it is she's looking to do.

  Chapter 30

  Fallyn

  It's five in the morning and no one else is up yet. I gently kiss Jensen's cheek and carefully get out of bed. Tiptoeing to my suitcase, I kneel down and unzip my bag. Pulling out a small box full of letters I've written to Brody since he passed away, I clutch it to my chest and walk out of the bedroom to his. I want to read every single letter to him before the house wakes up. This is the only time I'm going to do this and I want to do this right. I want him to know how much I love him and I'll love him forever. I want him to know that I'm happy and I'm ready for the future with Jensen. I'm ready for it all. I'm not going to run away from him or his love. Our love is better than fear of the unknown because Jensen's the one I've been waiting for.

  I take a breath and walk into Brody's old room. Opening the door, I drop the box of letters and look around the room. All of his things are gone. The room looks like the room I'm in with Jensen. I run to the closet, swinging the door open and see extra blankets, pillows, and towels. Turning to the dresser, I frantically open each drawer.

  Empty!

  Empty!

  Empty!

  Empty!

  All of his things are gone! I feel the tears rushing from my eyes. They took away his things and threw them away...without me.

  I slam my fist into the wall, over and over again. Strong arms soon wrap around my waist and pull me off the ground.

  "Let me go! Let me go! Now!"

  "Shhhh, baby. Shhhh." His voice is so close, but so far. I can't hear anything. I look around the room, hysterical and worried. Everything's gone.

  "Fallyn!" Julie yells and I hear more footsteps. I push myself off Jensen and turn around.

  "YOU did this. YOU took his things without me. How could you?" Julie tears up and Phil holds her hand. I look at Isaac. "You could have told me. You could have warned me about this!"

  "We thought Jensen would have done this with you."

  Jensen? My Jensen?

  "Get out of my way," I hiss. Without looking back, I run downstairs, throw on a pair of sneakers, and run out of the house. I need to be with Brody. I need Brody.

  Brody.

  Brody.

  Brody.

  Brody.

  I run hard and fast. I don't look back. There are cars zooming by. Some are slowing down to look at me, but I don't pay them any attention. I run up the hill, make a quick right, and reach my destination.

  Passing by the tombstones, I run deeper into the cemetery until I reach his.

  Brody Alexander Andrews

  April 25, 1991-March 17, 2014

  Beloved son, brother, nephew, grandson, friend, and fiancé.

  May you spread your wings and soar to the Heavens. Fly with the Heavenly Angels and never stop flying.

  "Brody," I sob. "Brody, please let me know you're still here." Silence. "I need you so badly right now. I thought I was strong and I could move on, but your parents… they cleaned out your room and I didn't get to say goodbye. I have all these letters to read to you, but I wanted to do it while sitting on your bedroom floor. You know, how we used to. I didn't want to read you the letters here at your grave. This holds bad memories, but at least in your room, I remember all the times we shared." Silence. "Brody," I cry again. "Please, I need you. I need you." Lying down next to his grave, I place my hand on the grass and close my eyes. "I need to feel you."

  Being here next to him opens the wounds from that night. There's so much I want to say to him. There's so much I want him to know. I thought I was ready to move on and have a future with Jensen. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I feel so lost and scared.

  Brody's old bedroom held so many memories. We were so happy and so in love. He was my best friend and the only boy I've ever loved. When I was ten, after a week of being friends, I told my mom that I was going to marry him. I was going to be Mrs. Brody Andrews. That day never came. I never got to have his last name.

  "Do you remember when I would sleep over your house? My parents hated that I slept over, but they loved you. You'd sleep on the floor and I'd sleep on your bed. The bedroom door would be wide open and your mom walked by us so many times. I remember your hand holding mine and we'd stay like that for so long. You held my hand through so much and you kissed away my tears. I need you to please do that again." Silence.

  The tears burn the back of my eyes, rushing from my eyes and down my cheeks. I don't wipe away the tears.

  "Please come back," I whisper. "Tell me you're still here."

  I lie motionless, not sure what else to do. I stroke the grass with my hand, back and forth, closing my eyes, pretending I'm brushing away Brody's shaggy hair from his beautiful eyes. The eyes of love and tenderness. The eyes I love and will love until the day I take my final breath.

  Memories of happier times flood my mind. These memories remind me of our strong love. He was my world and I was his. We spent nearly every day together and said I love you every day. Minus the mini-breakup, our lives were perfect. We were nominated "most likely to get married" and "happiest couple" our senior year of high school. We studied together and pushed each other with everything we did. He was my rock. I was his rock. He was the one I turned to when I had a bad day and he vented to me whenever he needed to. He held my hand through the scary movies and laughed during the funny times. We had designated date nights and paid attention to each other and no one else. He was my world and I was his.

  "Give me a sign that everything will be okay. Give me something. Give me anything."

  Images of Brody go through my mind. But this time, he's standing over my grave, looking at me, crying and asking why. I'm looking at me, heartbroken and devastated. This isn't what I would want for him. I wouldn't want him to mourn over me and spend his waking moments crying over me. Everyone deserves a second chance to love and be happy again. The images in my head get stronger and I see someone taking his hand. He looks up and smiles, which causes me to smile. I don't know who is holding his hand and I don't care. Whoever is holding his hand, well, I love her.

  "Fallyn." I open my eyes, lift my head, and see my Angel rushing to me. "Fallyn!" He falls to his knees and brings me in his strong arms. Arms I love. Arms I want. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so fucking sorry. I should have warned you and been there for you."

  I can't find the words I need to tell him it's okay. My voice is gone.

  "Are you okay? I love you. Please don't be mad at me. Please."

  I cup his face with my hands. "I'm okay. I promise."

  He holds me tighter as I wrap my arms around his neck. A calming peace comes over me. I'm unafraid of the future because my future is giving me back the reason to believe. He saved me.

  "I'm not mad at you anymore. I wanted to sit in his room, around his things, and read my letters to him. His room holds so many good memories." Jensen looks at me with love in his eyes and reaches into his jacket pocket.

  "I brought these for you." My letters. "Maybe you can go to another spot that means a lot to you. I can walk with you there and give you space, but I won't be too far away."

  My heart nearly bursts out of my chest. How did I get so lucky?

  "Follow me." I take his hand in mine and we walk out of the cemetery to
another favorite place of mine and Brody.

  Missoula is beautiful around this time. The weather is a little colder today, but when Jensen handed me a jacket he brought for me, I pulled it on and hugged it against my body.

  The walk to the park isn't too far and it's nice to walk around town, taking in the sights again, remembering how easy things used to be.

  "Just around the corner." We walk for a few more minutes before I see the bench.

  Our bench.

  "This is the part I need to do alone."

  "Okay, baby. I'll be at the diner. So text me when you're done." He lightly kisses my lips and holds my hand before letting me go and letting me do this one more thing.

  I sit on the bench and press my hand against the old wood. This bench, our bench, the bench we used to sit on and spend hours holding each other's hands, looking around, taking in what was around us. This was where we got back together after taking a break. This was where I forgave him and told him I loved him and would always love him.

  I take out the first letter.

  My dearest Brody, I'm packing up my things and leaving tomorrow. I'm starting my life in Wilmington with Isaac and I wish it were you. Laying you down to rest was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I cried and begged God to bring you back to me, but he needed you in Heaven. I know you're up there now, smiling, but I wish you were here with me. How am I going to get through the rest of my life without you? You're my world and I'm so lost. Will you help guide me in the right direction?

  I still hear your voice in my head. I still hear the last words out of your mouth. I can't move on and be happy. How do you expect me to do that?

  You're the only man I've ever loved. You're the only man I've given my heart to and now you want me to move on? I'm not heartless. I can't and won't find happiness with anyone else. I think about taking my own life just so that we can be together again.

  Please don't leave me. I still need you and will always need you.

  I love you always and forever,

  Fallyn.

  I read the next few letters and keep the tears at bay. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel like he is sitting next to me. His presence is so strong.

  My dearest Brody,

  Today, I met someone. His name's Jensen Toscano and I think I might like him. We're spending more time together, and he's really sweet. He listens to me and I listen to him.

  Things are going pretty well. I have our picture on my nightstand and look at it every night and every morning. You're still a part of me and I'm not letting you go.

  It's getting easier to breathe. Is this because of you?

  Please come visit anytime and let me know when you do.

  I love you always and forever,

  Fallyn.

  The wind whooshes by, slight chills running over my face. More words and more letters until I reach the last one. The hardest letter.

  My dearest Brody,

  Tomorrow, I'm leaving to go back home and visit your parents. I'll be back in our hometown, the town we met in and fell in love. I'm scared to go back because it's been so long since I've been here to visit. It's been so long since I've visited your grave. I know you came to visit me a few minutes ago when I was outside on the deck. I felt your hand brushing my shoulder. Thank you for coming to see me.

  I think about you every day, but Brody, I'm in love. I fell in love with Jensen and I'm so happy. Did you send him to me?

  I think I'm going to tell him I'm fully ready to move on with my life. Oh, Brody, he's so sweet and understanding. He gets how much I still love you and wants to know more about you. We're going to keep your memory alive and I'll never forget you. I'll never forget our love and what you mean to me. You will always have my love and my heart, Brody. Forever. Always and forever.

  Until the day we meet again, please keep soaring above the clouds. Watch over me, Jensen, Isaac, and your parents.

  I will miss you and love you for the rest of my life. Wait for me by Heaven's Gate and lead me in when it's my time.

  I love you always and forever,

  Fallyn.

  Chapter 31

  Jensen

  "Please come back and visit us often." Julie kisses my cheek and turns to Fallyn and Isaac.

  Phil shakes my hand and smiles. "Thank you for loving her and being there for her, Jensen."

  "It's my pleasure. Thank you for accepting me into your lives and being the family she loves."

  "She's our little girl," Phil says, looking adoringly at his wife and kids. "She's our world and you are too."

  My heart clenches. The Andrews’ were amazing this week and once Fallyn said and did what she needed to do, the weight and guilt of Brody's death lifted from her shoulders. She's smiling more and is happier. She found her way back to me and, as soon as we land, we'll be taking a next step into our future.

  * * * * *

  The next few days pass and Fallyn's been running around, getting things ready for Christmas. Both of our houses are decorated, but I've been noticing more of her things are finding a place in my home. Or should I say our home. I hope. When she's here, it feels like my home and life are whole. When she's not here, I'm sitting alone in a house full of silence. It's not fun and I find myself either at her house or somewhere else. I know that we haven't been together for long, but these feelings and my love for her are real and true. I want to settle down and start my life. And I want to start it with her.

  After I pour her a glass of crisp white wine, I settle back on the couch with her, resting my arm over her shoulders and feeling her weight of her head on my chest.

  "Perfect," she sighs, staring at the six-foot tree we had to get.

  I kiss the top of her head. "I'd like to give you your first present now if that's okay."

  She perks up with wide eyes and a big smile on her face. "Yes!"

  Pulling out a small box from my pocket, I hand it to her. "Open it."

  In a matter of seconds, the wrapping paper is off, on the ground, and the box is open. "Are you asking me to move in?"

  Shyly, I answer, "I am."

  Fallyn gets up from the couch and goes into the kitchen. I peek over and glance at her movements, realizing she's picking up her keys and placing my house key with hers. "Now it's official." She skips over to me and goes back to her original position. "I love you."

  "I love you more."

  As I stroke her arm, we sit in silence, taking in the ambiance of the living room filled with Christmas joy. Her hand rubs my upper thigh and she giggles. In seconds, our clothes are off and she's straddling me. My mouth wraps around her nipples, sucking and biting, hearing her moan my name, wanting more.

  She slides her tongue from the bottom of my lip, down my neck. Lifting up her hips, she takes my cock in her hand and slides down. "Fuck, you're so wet," I hiss, watching her ride my cock. Our eyes are on one another before I claim her mouth with my own. All I want is to feel her forever.

  I grip her hips, feeling her muscles clench around me. I know she's close. Standing up, I push her against the wall, holding her ass in my hands, devouring her mouth. Her nails dig into my back when I pump harder into her. I pump deeper and she bites down on my shoulder. This pain, the fucking good pain, pushes me over the edge and I slam into her tight pussy harder.

  "Yes!" she screams as we find our release together. When I set her down, she feathers my face with kisses. There's a glow on her face as she takes my hand and leads me upstairs.

  "I want you to make love to me now," she seductively whispers. "Nice and slow."

  "Oh yes," I mutter, taking her lips, savoring her kiss, nice and slow.

  We wake the next morning, together, and get ready for work. It's a day full of meetings and Fallyn's expecting three more patients in her wing. She's been working days with some nights since we've been back. I don't want her working the overnight shifts, and she understands. I know it's hard for her to be away from her patients, but as medical care providers, we too need rest before tackling another
day.

  Driving through traffic, Fallyn's playing with the radio and then her phone. "Karly wants us to come over tonight. She said to bring ice cream."

  "Sounds good, love."

  Parking my car in my spot, I open the door for Fallyn and we walk together, hand in hand. Giving her a quick kiss, I tell her to have a good day and go inside my office. There's a package waiting for me when I sit down. Not checking who it could be from, I open the card and immediately know who it's from.

  Jensen,

  Saw this and thought of you. I miss you like crazy. Please talk to me.

  Love,

  Lisa

  I open the box and see a New York City key chain with a few other knickknacks. We had plans to go to the city over New Year's, but plans change and so does life.

  Picking up my phone, I think about texting her. I'm not sure what I'd say besides thank you. Pulling up her contact information, I look at it and lean back in my chair. If it's this hard to text her, then it's not a good idea. I put away my phone and start my day with emails and returning phone calls.

  The strangest feeling comes over me. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I feel like someone's watching me. I take out my phone again and text Fallyn.

  Me: Are you okay?

  Fallyn: Yeah. Why?

  Me: I don't know. The weirdest feeling hit me…Like someone's watching me or something…Just wanted to make sure you're okay.

  Fallyn: Just dandy =) I gotta go and check on some patients…Don't worry so much…I love you XOXOX.

  Me: I love you too.

  As long as she's okay, then it's probably in my head. I get through the rest of the day without worrying until she's standing in my office waiting for me.

  "Why are you smiling?"

  She locks the door and turns off the light. I kink my brow at her and lean back in my chair, watching the way she slowly walks to me. Placing her hands on my thighs, she kisses my lips ever so lightly. "I have a surprise for you."