Beautifully Broken

by KB Winters

  She held up the dress and—not a shocker—it was gorgeous. Short and black with a scoop neck and a low back. “That back is practically indecent!”

  She laughed. “Practically, maybe. But it isn’t indecent. All of your bits will be covered, I promise.”

  I wasn’t a believer. The dress looked too small to hold my curves and worse, it might draw too much attention to me. “I don’t know, Teddy.”

  “Trust me.” Big blue eyes looked into mine, begging me to trust her and I did trust her. More than anyone.

  I rolled my eyes and blew out a long, resigned sigh. “Fine. Give me the damn dress.”

  She handed it over with a triumphant grin, crossed her arms and waited for me to put it on. “You’re going to look so hot.” Her smile beamed and she clapped excitedly.

  “Let’s not go crazy,” I told her and pulled the tie on my robe. The dress felt like a cloud, soft and silky smooth as it slid over my body. It wasn’t tight but it fit perfectly, almost like a glove. The scoop neck made my neck look long and graceful without making my chest look pornographic. It was shorter than I liked, hitting just above the knee. When I turned to see the back, I was amazed at how sexy it looked. Smooth and touchable, if I wanted to be touched, which I didn’t.

  “Well, what do you think?”

  I could hear the smile in her voice even before I met her gaze in the mirror. “It’s too sexy but it’s perfect for tonight. With a pashmina, though.”

  “Of course,” she said and rolled her eyes. “But only if you get chilly.”

  “I’m already chilly with half my back exposed. Are my underwear showing?” I heard her laugh and shook my head. “I love it Teddy, thank you. But I’m not sure I can wear it.”

  “Of course you can. You’ll draw every eye in the house.”

  “Yeah that’s my point. It’s bad enough that Moon is going to rope me into talking to people, now you want the ones I can ignore to look at me too? No thanks.”

  “Well,” she began and crossed her arms, telling me she wasn’t happy with my gratitude. Or lack of. “You can’t wear that, it looks like funeral wear. This is Vegas, not New York, Jana.” She shrugged. “I guess you can go with your favorite paint splattered jeans.”

  “Ugh, I hate you right now.”

  She laughed and flashed a victorious grin. “I love you too, now figure out what shoes you want to wear while I set up for hair and makeup.” She bent and picked up my velvet burgundy stilettos.

  “I guess I’m ready.” I had no place that would fit us both so we set up in the kitchen.

  “Are you worried that Max will be there?”

  “He won’t be,” I insisted, maybe a little too strongly, but I knew he wouldn’t because I hadn’t told him about it.

  “Then why are you so nervous?” She gently combed my hair, separating it as she spritzed and curled.

  “Because I don’t like being the center of attention, Teddy. Tonight is all about that and I really don’t want to deal with it, but I gave my word so all I can do now is try to endure it.” People always stared at the doctor’s office, the grocery store and restaurants, but the difference was that tonight I’d be the one putting myself out there to be stared and pointed at. Mocked.

  “Don’t worry honey, I’ll be right beside you all night. If anyone steps out of line, I’ll make them regret it. And I might even make them regret being born, just for fun.” We laughed because it was true, I’d seen Teddy cut a man with nothing more than her razor sharp tongue. “Speaking of Max,” she began.

  “We weren’t” I rushed and replied.

  “Have you spoken to him at all? Close your eyes.”

  I did as she ordered and tilted my head back, waiting for the feel of the sponge or brush over my face. It was always a surreal experience when Teddy slathered face paint on me, because I never wore it. It was a pointless exercise, but Teddy wanted to help and this was how she did it. “No. There’s nothing more to say. He refuses to get the help he needs that will make things better, so we can’t be together. I love Max and I never thought I’d get to know a man well enough to fall in love with him. I let him take me out to restaurants and bars because it made him feel better, but he won’t even try to get a little better for himself. Or me. Message received.” Loud and fucking clear. It had taken a few days but now I mostly felt numb about it, only crying when I curled up in bed by myself.

  Teddy was silent for so long I thought she’d dropped the topic while she finished putting her expensive gunk on my face. But I should’ve known better. “Jana I’m going to say something you might not like.”

  I felt my body clench but I would hear her out. “I’m listening.”

  “It’s really hard to come back from something like this.”

  I scoffed and opened my eyes to find hers far too close. “Yeah, I think I know something about that.”

  She nodded and set the blush brush down. “You do, but it’s not the same. When your trauma happened, you were a child still figuring out who you were going to be in this world. That was a different hardship, but Max is a grown man with a purpose in his life, one that was very dear to his heart and he not only lost that purpose, but he lost it horrifically. Along with some of his best friends, men who were like family to him, who saved his life, went to war beside him.” She took a deep breath and the sympathy swimming in her eyes nearly made me bawl like a baby. “I’m not minimizing what you went through, it was fucking terrible, but I’m just trying to make you understand. It’s hard to lose your whole identity.”

  I listened to her words and processed them, trying to see things from her side. From Max’s side. It’s true that I was a poor kid with nothing but the foster parents the state entrusted with my care and Robert’s actions devastated me, Karen’s too. But I didn’t have a career to lose yet, or friends vanish from my life. “It is different, you’re right. But I’m not asking him to be healed, because I know there is no complete healing from this. All I’m asking is that he takes steps to decrease his suffering, the frequency of his nightmares. He’s not. Instead he goes home instead of staying with me.” I closed my eyes as they began to burn with unshed tears threatening to spill over, and I took a deep breath to keep those tears where they were. “Wouldn’t he at least try, Teddy? If I mattered at all to him?”

  For once in our friendship, she was speechless. That in itself was my answer.

  “So,” I stood and slipped on my shoes. “Are we ready to get this over with?”

  Teddy grinned as she stood and reached for my shoulders. “You mean are we ready for your art world debut? The answer is hell to the yeah!”

  Her enthusiasm was contagious and I wore a smile all the way to the art gallery beside Moon’s art supply shop.

  Stepping inside the crowded gallery, my smile dropped.

  Chapter 19

  Max

  “Are you sure she’s gonna show?” Tate stood beside me in the doorway of the art gallery, which was right beside the store where we had class on Friday night. “I don’t see her.”

  “She’ll be here. Jana wouldn’t do that to Moon.” At least I hoped she wouldn’t. I looked down at my outfit to make sure I looked all right and instantly I felt like a tool. Jana wouldn’t give a shit that I’d dressed up, and she seemed to prefer me in jeans and a t-shirt. When she preferred me, that is.

  “Dude, is that a cock?” Tate pointed at a large blue statue that, yep, looked just like a cock and balls.

  A loud laugh escaped, drawing the attention of several others inside the gallery. “Looks like it is, though I’d worry if the cock is blue too.”

  Tate snickered again. “If it’s that blue, you’re beyond help.”

  With a shake of my head, I pushed him forward to the next display as my head swiveled back and forth, hoping to catch a glimpse of that white blond hair I knew so well. She hadn’t arrived yet, or she was hiding someplace. It gave me time to look around at the gallery, it was sparse with mostly white walls and red brick separating the exhibits. Th
e large room was dimly lit and there didn’t seem to be any real order to the place.

  “Max.” Tate smacked my chest with the back of his hand to get my attention and pointed at the exhibit we stood in front of, wearing a knowing grin.

  I turned, and my gaze slammed into a familiar, deep brown gaze, only it wasn’t brown. It was damn near black from Jana’s sketching pencils. It was a self-portrait, which I knew she hated, and staring at the sketch I could see why. She was still the most beautiful thing in the world to me, but it was all undercut by the sadness swimming in her depths. But the sadness wasn’t all I saw, there was her strength, the tension in her clenched jaw served as a reminder that she hated the face that I loved. And in that moment, I knew that Tate was right, I did love Jana. It was all so clear, staring at her face and the detail from the little freckle on the bridge of her nose to the dolphin earring on the upper part of her right ear. “Damn.” It was all so beautiful yet painful.

  “She’s got talent,” Tate said, staring at a set of long legs with a long zipper scar up the outside of one leg that I was sure belonged to Teddy.

  Just as I was sure the nondescript torso with the ugly starburst scar right over the heart, was supposed to be me. The tattoos and gunshot wounds were missing, but the swirl of hair down the stomach was all me, as was the mole beside the left nipple. “It’s amazing.”

  “It’s more than that, man. This shit is gold. Pain and beauty and scars, that shit is life.” He squinted at the mangled old hands that gripped a golf club that completed the series.

  I had to agree but now, more than ever, I wished I could find Jana. Her series, this glimpse into her soul, told me that I still had a chance. Another quick scan produced Moon and I waved her over. “I’d like to buy the big one.”

  Her eyes went wide, holding a million questions she had the good manners not to ask as she added a red dot beside the picture. “I knew you were a good man, Max. Whatever the problem is, I’m sure you’ll work it out.” She glanced around my shoulder at Tate and a wide smile bloomed on her face. “I’m so happy you’re free, young man.” In an unexpected move, she pulled him into a hug and held him for a long moment. “If you need help getting on your feet, your brother knows where to find me.” As quickly as she’d rushed over, Moon hurried off.

  Tate grinned. “I like her. The crazy ones always love me.”

  I smiled and shook my head, unwilling to move on in case Jana stopped to check out her display.

  “Who in the hell is that hot ginger?”

  I knew who he was talking about before I spotted them, but once I saw Jana and her friend, I smiled as relief drained the tension from my body. “That’s Teddy, Jana’s best friend.”

  Tate clapped his hands loudly and, swear to god, licked his chops. “You know I have a weakness for hot girls with boys’ names. Wish me luck.”

  My hand struck out and gripped his shoulder. “Me first.” I stepped in front of Tate, but I felt his presence behind me as I made my way to Jana, heart racing and thudding into my heart. “Jana. You look beautiful.” I couldn’t tear my gaze away from the sexy black dress she wore, hugging her hourglass figure deliciously.

  She smiled at the sight of me, but her eyes were still sad. “Max. What are…how did you know about the show?” She glanced at Teddy who held her arms up defensively.

  “Don’t look at me, I don’t even know how to get in touch with him.”

  “Moon told me a couple weeks ago. In class.” Being so close to her for the first time in too damn long, had me shook. Her perfume was slightly different tonight, more musky than flowery but just as tempting. She had on makeup that made her brown eyes look bottomless. “Can we talk for a minute?”

  Jana looked wary, nibbling her bottom lip before she nodded and fell into step beside me. “Sure.” We walked away from the crowds towards the back of the building before she spoke again. “How have you been, Max?”

  “Not all that great, Jana. I was an asshole to my girl and now she won’t talk to me.” A smile ghosted around her lush mouth and that was good enough for me. For now, anyway. “I really am sorry about the shit I said. You were right, I was stuck and unwilling to do shit about it, and I blame my shitty behavior on my lack of sleep. And jealousy.”

  She blinked. “I would never.”

  “I know,” I cut her off. “You’re not that kind of woman and it was my own stupid mind fucking with me.” I grabbed her hand and laid it over my heart because I needed her to know how I felt. “It was a lack of sleep combined with my growing feelings for you, and my inability to express those feelings. But none of that was on you and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

  “Thank you for saying that, Max. It means a lot.” Tears shimmered in her eyes, but Jana was stronger than she knew, and she willed them back.

  “You were right about a lot, actually. I talked to Dr. Singh and he recommended some different treatments we’re trying out.”

  This time her smile was full watt and genuine. “That’s wonderful, Max. I am so happy for you.” I could tell she meant it and it only made me love her more.

  “You made me want to get better, Jana. I want to be better for you, so I can kiss you awake every morning. Reach for you in the middle of the night because I can’t wait another minute to have you. That’s what I want. Tell me it’s not too late.”

  She opened her mouth to speak but I pressed a finger to them.

  “First, I want to show you something.” I pulled her along until we were damn near at the fire exit before I stopped in front of her, clasping her hand in mine. “I asked Moon if I could do something for tonight.” I stepped aside to reveal the painting I’d spent the past few nights working on. “The Doc told me to paint something meaningful, something that brought me peace. This is what came out.”

  She turned and stared at it, released a little gasp. “Oh Max, it’s beautiful!” She didn’t turn to look at me because she was captivated by the painting, leaning in to take in all the details. “This is fantastic, the purples and blues…it looks almost velvet.”

  The awe in her voice had a warmth spreading through me and I found myself smiling. “Thanks. When I close my eyes, this is the thought that brings me peace.”

  She straightened, mouth slightly open as her big brown eyes stared up at me in awe. “Max, it’s so beautiful. And that night…it was magical.” Her voice choked up and her eyes grew damp with emotion.

  “It was the best damn night of my life, Jana. You were everything I never knew I needed.”

  One tear fell and her face lit up in a breathtaking smile. “Me too. When you reached out and held my hand, it was the first time a man had just held my hand.”

  “Jana,” I grabbed her hands and pressed them against my heart again, let her feel how it raced. For her. “You know, I came here tonight with one goal. Getting you to forgive me. That was as far as I’d gotten, well that and the painting but only once it was done did I realize what it meant.”

  Hope shone in her eyes. “Oh yeah?” I was happy to see a little bit of spark and sass back in her eyes.

  “Hell yeah. Looking at the sketch of you, seeing the strength you don’t even realize you possess. The light that shines inside of you, even after the shit hand you were dealt as a kid, and the way you’ve made a life for yourself. It’s all there in the picture. Or maybe I just see it because I’m in love with you.” It wasn’t the most elegant way to tell her, but I wasn’t an elegant guy.

  “I’m sorry, you what?” Eyes wide, she stared up at me completely in shock.

  She really didn’t know. “I love you. Or more accurately, I’m in love with you. Is that news to you?”

  Her head bobbed up and down. “It is. Are you sure?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh at my adorable little accountant. “I am. I was miserable without you, missing you ate me up inside and it wasn’t just the sex or your gorgeous figure. It was your laugh, the way your whole face lights up when you smile.” I reached out to her, letting my thumb slide d
own the silky skin of her cheek. “I love you, Jana. It’s that simple for me. I’m getting help and I want you to give me a second chance.”

  She looked up at me, grinning awkwardly but not trying to hide her face from me. “I.” She opened her mouth and snapped it shut with a nervous grin. “I love you too, Max. But I’m scared.”

  I placed my hands over hers, hoping her touch would calm my racing heart. “You think I’m not? I’ve never been in love before, this shit is all new to me. But I want to be with you. I want to see if we can work, the right way this time.”

  “What is the right way?” Her question was genuine, and I had to smile because I had no real clue.

  “I don’t know, but I think we can make our own rules. I’ll stay two nights a week to start and more as the nightmares lessen. Or fade.”

  “Max.” The way she sighed my name, like I was something precious to her had me drawing closer, placing my hands on her hips. “You mean it?”

  “I do. You think I don’t want to wake up with you in my arms every morning? Because I do, so damn bad.”

  “I’d like that.”

  Fuck yeah! Her soft, affectionate smile hit me right where it counted. “Yeah?”

  “Hell yeah.” She bridged the final step between us and wrapped her arms around my waist, pressing her face into my chest. I heard the sniffles she tried to hide and smiled to myself as she looked up at me. “I thought I’d never see you again, or hold you like this Max. I’m glad you came back.”

  “I couldn’t have possibly done anything else, Jana. You’re it for me. In fact,” I leaned forward and whispered in her ear. “You’re kind of stuck with me.”

  “Since I love you back, I guess you’re stuck with me too.”

  I wrapped my arms around her and pressed her against the wall right beside the painting that had put me on the path to healing. “Sweetheart, there’s no place I’d rather be.” And then I touched my lips to hers and kissed her like she was everything, my woman, my lover, my heart, my light. And my love. She was all those things and so much more and I would make sure she knew that.