In Search of Satisfaction

by J. California Cooper

  Stumbling down the hall, down the stairs, through the lobby, oblivious to stares and whispers, she reached the streets. Walking aimlessly as she cried her child-woman heart out, she was thinking of all she had been through since her birth. She did not think of it as violence, but it was. Her life felt like shit and she smelled much the same. Of low life. “What have I done wrong?” she wondered. “Why does my life keep turning out wrong? God?”

  The noise of children running down the steps of a church caught her attention. She stopped and stared at the church, feeling a quick sense of the need of God. Was there a home in there? She lifted her spotted frock and, going up the steps, went in.

  There was instant quiet inside. Peace. She did not know what to do so she knelt, waiting for God to do something to show her He was real, that He cared. When her knees were tired, she sat, thinking about her life. Thinking of God. But Satan had a friend here in this beautiful church. Yinyang felt a light touch on her shoulder. A soft voice spoke, “My child, do you need help?” The priest had noticed her rumpled condition … and her beauty.

  “Oh, sir! Oh!” She burst into tears afresh. The soft voice bespoke kindness. She felt herself lifted gently as the voice continued. “My child, let us go where we may talk without disturbing others. You can cleanse your soul.” She was being led down an aisle, tears held in her eyes by her relief that someone cared, God cared.

  “Now, now,” he urged, “tell me what I can do to help rid you of those tears on the face of such a lovely child. Tears do not belong on your face. Such a pretty face. How old are you?”

  Between sniffles, Yinyang looked into the soft blue eyes and poured out her whole story, holding back only those things that caused her too much shame. The priest patted and consoled.

  He sighed, “You must get away from this man who takes you into such degradation. He does not know what he is doing. God is frowning on the both of you. Do you wish to continue this life?”

  “Oh, no! No, I do not! I am ashamed.”

  “Then you must get a job, find some means of support that will be cleaner, with a possibility for happiness. Do you agree?”

  “But where, sir? How?”

  The priest was writing with a tiny pencil on a small sheet of paper.

  “You must take this, if you wish to change your life, to a friend of mine. She has a dress shop in an excellent area for a woman such as you will be. She will help you … give you a job.” He handed her the paper. “Er … is that all the money, … gold you have?” Yin nodded yes. He sighed, “Then you must take the gold coin you have. With her help you will find another place. Then pack your things and move where this man will never find you again. Leave nothing behind.”

  Yin’s eyes shone with love and gratitude. Her young tears wet his hands as she kissed them. “Oh, thank you, thank you, bless you. When I am settled, I will come back and learn about God. I want to learn how to live a good life. I never meant my life to turn out this way.”

  The priest patted her hands which held his so tightly. “Yes, yes. We will see.” He led her to the door, pointing her in the right direction. He had never once mentioned God to her except to say He was frowning.

  Yin walked briskly, her spirits lifted, her resolve firm. She thought of Miss Able; perhaps she should tell her everything, regain her friendship, return to school to learn better ways to make her living. Yin almost decided to do it right then that minute, she was so filled with happiness. But, then, Satan pointed to her clothes, her hair, her condition. She looked down at herself, raised her hand to her hair. Shame filled her again and she resolved to see Miss Able as soon as she was settled. Then Satan pushed her age into her mind with the memories of when she was younger and tried to go to school with younger students. Besides, who knew if Miss Able would help her again? Or even where Miss Able was? It had been several years since she had even seen Miss Able. Satan knows how people think and how to help them think. His way, you see.

  Finally Yin stood outside the grand, little dress salon. It was more than she had expected. She had spent some of her own money in a few stores like this, but had quickly come to where she could not afford such beautiful creations. She looked down at herself again, almost turning to go away and return another time. Satan nudged her at the same time an extremely well-dressed, short, plump woman opened the door and spoke to her. “Well, now, dear. Do you see something you might like?”

  Yin stammered, “Oh, no! Well, yes! You see …”

  The woman smiled, “Come in, come in. You can see much better and much more inside.” She reached out a friendly, white hand. “Come in, come in.”

  In a moment, Yin was inside, hardly knowing how it all happened. She was embarrassed in the midst of such finery. The few well-dressed salesladies were looking at her. The kind, plump lady waved the bejeweled, soft, white hand to dismiss them. “Would the beautiful, little one like a cup of fine coffee? Come along now, I have just had some made. Miss Will is my name, and what are you called, dear?”

  “My name is Yinyang … Krupt,” she added suddenly. Yin winced at this little seeming betrayal of Josephus.

  “What a strange, but lovely, name for a lovely, young woman. And how old are you, Yinyang?”

  “I am twenty-three now. And people call me Yin.”

  Sitting in a soft, luxurious armchair, a saucer balanced on her knees, Yin poured out her story for the second time that day, leaving more out, crying anew. Plump, comforting hands patted. The soft voice soothed. Finally, Yin finished her part of the intimate little talk.

  “Well, you dry your lovely eyes right now! That part of your life is over! We shall start all new! First we shall choose a few things for you to wear. Never mind going to … where you live to retrieve anything. You shall come with me. We will get you settled and then see what is to come! You should never have to go back to that life again! You shall stay with me until we know what to do with you. Your decision, of course!”

  Yin thought of her papers, her birth certificate. She stood, “Oh, but I have to get some … papers and things that are, may be, important to me.” She saw the frown appear on Miss Will’s face and added hastily, “Oh, but it will only take a moment. I promise.”

  Soon, Miss Will was filling Yin’s arms with so many lovely things Yin could scarcely believe this was happening to her. Her dreams! Her eyes and soul all aglow with happiness, she thanked Miss Will, even taking the liberty to kiss the plump cheek in gratitude. She even thanked God, but what He had sent—thoughts of school, returning to the good woman, Miss Able, finding a good and clean comfortable way to live her life, to learn life—she had not taken. Yinyang rushed into the future again, leaving behind all thoughts of returning to Miss Able and school … and seeking God.

  Later that night, full of champagne and a sumptuous dinner, sunk in the fresh, clean, soft, downy bed, body covered with a plump-sized, lacy nightgown, Yin could hardly believe her luck. She was just about to thank God, when her door opened and someone came through the darkness to the bed. She could not see anyone, but she could hear their quick, panting breath. Her cover was pulled back by an unseen hand, and a soft, plump voice with a gentle roughness said, “I felt lonely. You are such a nice, lovely, kind, young woman, I want to sleep here, with you.” Miss Will moved easily into the bed. “Sometimes I feel so lonely. I have no one, like you have me, now. Here, put your arms around me … and I will not feel alone anymore.” Yin closed her eyes tight, hoping this was not what she knew it was. She forgot to be thankful for her luck.

  “Yes, dear. That’s right. Yes, come closer. Ahhh, you’re a pet. A sweet pet.” Moments passed, Yin’s heart beating fast, her mind disgusted, again. The voice spoke again, softly, “Oh, such warm feet, such warm, smooth legs.” A soft lamp flicked on. “Here, raise your legs so I can see these beautiful things.” Yin raised her legs toward her chest obediently. “Lovely, lovely,” Miss Will continued, as she stroked Yin’s legs. “Yes, dear, you are lovely. Such terrible things have happened to you because of this beauty, y
ou know. Now, we will care for it right, and those horrible things will never happen to you again. MMMMMMmmmmm. Don’t put them down yet, dear. Here, let’s turn this awful, old light out. There. Now, let me feel that lovely, smooth skin. Up a little, up a little, dear. Now … there.” Yin felt her legs caressed, spread open, then the head that greedily sank to its prey. Miss Will knew what she was about. Soon Yin forgot to feel anything but the pleasure spreading through her. She had decided to stay.

  Satan happened to notice as he was passing on his way to his business; he smiled. Well, he didn’t have to worry about her for awhile, she was in good hands. He moved on, after all, he is always very busy.

  Yinyang met the old priest again many times, he was a friend and frequent visitor of Miss Will. But, he never, ever, spoke of God. Yin was living by her own wit, alone.

  chapter

  4

  in Yoville, Joel and Ruth were trying to plan their future. Being Negroes with restricted education and very small experience with money, they did not know exactly what to do to further their dreams. After weeks of courting and counting, Joel and Ruth decided they HAD to tell somebody because they didn’t know what else to do. Joel sweated over that bag of money ALL the time, didn’t trust hiding it. He was scared to keep it on him all the time, which he tried to do, but it jangled and was so big. Ruth wore her ring when she went to the toilet-outhouse. She kept it on a string tied around her waist other times. She was scared the string would break and it would fall into the hole in the outhouse. She didn’t know what to do either. They wanted a house of their own where they could hide the money and she could wear the ring without anyone being able to see anything. But they had to spend some money to get the house in the first place.

  They decided to trust Bessel, Ruth’s mother, who worked for the Befoes and would know about money. Bessel wanted to take the money from them for safekeeping since they were just “children.” They weren’t just children so they didn’t let her do that. “A little at a time,” they said.

  The mother said, “I know Miz Befoe is a good enough woman. She ain’t like these other southern crackers. She’ll help. If I take too much to her, she might get greedy, so I will take one and tell her I found it.”

  Joel spoke, “Found it where?”

  Bessel immediately understood, she wasn’t dumb. “I’ll tell her I found it … over by my church! She can look there forever and never will find nothin!” This is what Bessel did.

  Asking permission to speak to Miz Befoe “bout somethin portent,” she got it. Mrs. Befoe turned the coin round and round in her slender, well-cared-for hands. “Where you say you found this, Bessel?”

  “Over there round by my church, mam.”

  “I haven’t heard … anyone say they lost a gold coin … lately.”

  “I just wants to know how much money is it worth, mam. Lord, I can’t do nothin with such a money as that! I needs to know what kinda real money can I get wit it, mam. I is so sorely broke, mam, I needs everything, an I got a growin daughter what is askin bout marryin, I sure could use whatever that thing is worth! What you say it’s worth, mam?”

  “I’ll have to check into it, ahhh … what’s your name again?”

  “Bessel, mam, I works in the cleanin end of this house for twelve years now.”

  “Yes, Bessel, now I remember.” She looked hard at Bessel. “Why didn’t you go to my husband? He’s at the bank today.”

  “Cause I don’t know him, mam. You my fren who I work fo an knows.”

  “I am?”

  “Yes, mam.”

  “Well Bessel, I will let you know in a few days. You have to leave it here so I can show it to … somebody. I will let you know in a few days. If it is not too much, I will save you some time and trouble and let you have it myself.”

  “Yes’m.” Bessel looked lingeringly at the coin as she turned to leave the room.

  “That will be all now. You may return to your work. I’ll send for you, Bessie.”

  “Bessel, mam.”

  “What difference does it make? I’ll send for you. In the meantime, look around that place where you found this and see if there is any more.”

  “Yes’m.”

  “Good day, Bessel.”

  When Mrs. Befoe called Bessel to her, she spoke shortly about the low value of such coins now, and grudgingly (because what did Negras know what to do with money?) gave Bessel twenty dollars for each fifty dollar coin. Bessel was elated. Before she left Mrs. Befoe, she asked, “Miz Befoe, mam, what you spose you would ask for that little piece of land I lives on? I mean could I, maybe, buy that for my younguns to live and marry on?”

  The land was worth about twenty dollars on the market then. Mrs. Befoe had so much land in her family that no one but the Negra might need, that she agreed to sell the land to Bessel for seventy five dollars. The deal was made that day, and Bessel left for home to tell the good news to Joel and Ruth. On the way home Bessel pocketed the remaining money in her homemade brassiere and only gave the waiting Joel and Ruth a note of purchase for the land her own house was on, thinking that would keep them from ever moving her out.

  Joel and Ruth spent their wedding night in the room Ruth was born in. She had hung new curtains, had a new spread, sheets and a brass bed. The new dresser drawers were full of new underclothes, some she had made, for Joel and her. Her mother had given her a nightgown, pale and gossamer so you could see through, and Ruth was ashamed to wear it. But when all the guests were gone, she placed the diamond ring above her wedding ring, put the lovely gown on, slipped between the new sheets and pulled them up to her chin … and smiled.

  Joel came in as happy as he could be. This was his bride! His woman! He had been squeezing his toes in his shoes all day, knocking his knees together all day, touching her whenever she passed close to him. He smiled so much it began to hurt him. He was happy!

  He pulled the covers back, turned up the lamp Ruth had turned down and got in his bed with his wife.

  He spoke softly. “That’s a mighty pretty nightie, baby, but take it off.”

  Ruth whispered back. “What chu talkin bout, Joel.”

  They were both whispering. “Talkin bout you takin that gown off. I wants to see my bride, my wife!”

  “Why? Ain’t nothin to see.”

  “Oh baby, it’s plenty to see. You is my body now.”

  “Joel, I ain’t takin this gown off nothin.”

  “You my wife and I wants to see you. Girl, you know how long I been waitin to be like this wit you? Well, it’s my turn.”

  “Joel, I’m shamed to take everythin off!” Still whispering.

  “Baby, I loves yo body. It’s the only one I ever wants beside me anywhere.” He put his hands on her waist and began to move his hand down across her lower stomach, reaching for the hem of the gown. She grabbed his hand.

  “Stop Joel, don’t make me do that.”

  “Here,” Joel stepped out of bed and started pulling his nightclothes off. “Here, I let you see me!” Still whispering.

  Ruth let go holding on to her gown and covered her eyes. “Naw, Joel, don’t you do that! I don’t want to see it! … No!” But it was too late, she had.

  He reached for the gown, now free, pulled it to her waist, before she stopped him again. “Joel!” She forgot to whisper, “Please baby, don’t, pleeeeeeeasse.” Joel answered, whispering, “Please, baby, do, pleeease.” They laughed. He hugged her. She held him close to her body so she could hide it from the light. That was all he wanted anyway. He held her, kissed her tenderly, gently but hungrily. Her legs opened of their own accord. He laughed softly. She covered her face. He moved over on her, holding his weight off her. He was gentle like a cat’s pad on your cheek or a butterfly on your hand. He loved this woman. She opened herself up to him, gave him her virginity she had saved for him. She loved this man. It was a beautiful honeymoon no further than a minute from where she had been all her life. They woke up smiling and whispering and kissing. It was nighttime again before he said he
was hungry and needed to eat. That’s how they became husband and wife.

  With them all working together over the gold, Bessel felt very competent and smart because they depended on her. She felt like the ruler of the house. But Joel said he was not going to live in a house where he had two rulers. He spoke up. “Well, Miz Bessel, mam, this here is goin to be my house and my wife’s house. If you wants to you c’n still live with us. I is goin to build on to the front of this shack a place for my own wife and childrun. You c’n stay on here if you wants to.”

  Bessel glared at him. But then he handed her ten more gold coins and a silver one, saying, “Tell her you done found these more monies. See what c’n you git for em. I needs to get mater’al to build wit. This here weekend, if we c’n.”

  When Bessel took the new coins, found at the same place, to Mrs. Befoe, Mrs. Befoe noted, “I need to start attending your church, Bessel.” The price had gone down some. Bessel got fifteen dollars for each gold coin and five dollars for the silver one.

  One hundred fifty five dollars!!! Free and clear! Bessel took $50 for herself again, and gave Joel $105 which could handle his building and the wedding debt. She didn’t take too much because that was “her daughter he was doin for!” ’Sides, she had more money now than she had ever had at one time in her life!

  When she went yet again to Mrs. Befoe, Mr. Richard Befoe was there this time. He asked, “Where do you … say … you find these coins, Bessie?”

  “At the church, suh.”

  “These are the fifteenth or so gold coins, at least, and the third silver coin, Bessie.”

  “Yes, suh. I don’t knows suh, I just be walkin home from my prayers, still prayin, an then, all in a sudden, I looks down an there be a piece of money!”