Chasing Series: Books 4 & 5

by Ann, Pamela

  “Is this really about your grandfather, or Kyle’s visit stirred your dominant, possessive streak again?” Heck, it had been obvious he had been rattled with Kyle’s presence, but I was also glad he’d had enough courage to even try and had succeeded at composing himself. What if William’s sickness brought out the greatest excuse for him to milk it in the process? Knowing how he worked, he’d seize that opportunity so he’d secure me for his own. He was selfish. I knew that much because I could be just as selfish as he was.

  “I’ve long accepted that there’s always going to be your connection with Kyle that will get me jealous, but as much as I want you to sever your ties with him, I knew asking this of you would truly hurt you. I also know you’d do it, even though it would simply cripple you emotionally.” His words rung in my ears, and yet my heart agreed with him.

  “But as much as I want to be happily rid of him for the rest of our lives, I don’t want to see you in pain. I love you, and I made vows to put your needs before mine, even though it guts me alive to see him look at you with such love and devotion.

  “You must also know, as my wife, as my partner, as my lover, and as my friend that this yearning of being a father has been growing quite steadily through the months we’ve been together. I’m willing to do anything to make this process the easiest possible. I’d be the one in charge of our son or daughter. I’d take months off work, or maybe I could make it so I could work from home, and while doing so, I could hire a full-time governess and nurses to care for our child while I’m in the library so he or she wouldn’t have to be alone. Or if you’re against help, I’d gladly do it all by myself.” He was pleading. His heart, his soul, his eyes—they all sought me incessantly, wanting me to sooth his worries.

  “I’m willing to put everything on the line. I’d do anything—anything—if you could only grant me this one wish. Even though I promised not to hound you about this subject…” he rasped out, sounding more desperate by the second. “My heart can’t be denied any longer. I want to hold my child in my arms.

  “I want what Chad has, and what Callum will have in months’ time. I’d give anything to see my own flesh and blood smile at me as if I was the most wonderful thing he or she has ever seen. Most of all, I want something that’s ours. Solely ours. You and me as one. Our baby, with your features and mine. I want to love another being just as much as I worship their mother.”

  Dear God, I had meant it when I’d said I wasn’t ready. How did he even let himself wish, or better yet, let himself daydream this could happen any time soon? It was five years—not four or three, but bloody fucking five. I couldn’t simply switch off what I wanted in life. Fuck, I wanted to be well over twenty-five, at least, before I was to become a mother.

  Being a mother was not something to be taken lightly. I’d forever be responsible for the baby. It’s not something I could walk away from or take back once it was born. I’d have to stick with my decision, even if I didn’t agree to it. Besides, we weren’t ready to be parents, were we? No, I thought we weren’t.

  “Blake…” I started. “You know how I feel about this. I don’t even know why you’d bring this up, knowing what I’d say anyway.”

  “Sienna,” he begged. “Please. You don’t have to do much else if you don’t feel like it. I won’t let our baby hinder your goals in life. You can do as much you want—school, opening your own business, travel, party with friends. Whatever you want, I’d happily go along. I won’t even complain, I swear it.”

  I shook my head, having already made up my mind long ago. As much as I wanted to comfort Blake’s worries, I couldn’t bend my wants and needs for someone else’s happiness. “Blake, I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  His crestfallen face broke my heart, yet I couldn’t find it in me to undo my words in order to brighten those dimmed depths. We’d had an agreement. He had promised. And I needed him to stick with that promise. Five years.

  “Don’t be mad at me, please? You can’t expect me to change my mind just because circumstances have changed. I haven’t; I’m still the same woman who made that promise to you during our honeymoon.”

  “If the situation were reversed, I’d happily give you anything you want, Sienna. I suppose it’s good to know now that you’re different from me.”

  How dare he slap this in my face? We’d had an understanding. “You’re asking too much from me. Don’t you see that?”

  He shook his head, as if seeing me for the first time. “It’s a baby. Our baby. This little bundle of joy will provide you, me—us—more love and fulfillment than what we already know. Being a mother is a blessing, not a curse. If you’re so adamant and terrified about the prospect of it, tell me this, just once, Sienna, will you ever be ready to become a mother?”

  His question threw me asunder. Will you ever be ready to become a mother? He didn’t think I’d ever be ready to be one. Was this a test? Because it was a tricky question and one I didn’t appreciate in the least.

  “I’m ready when I’m fucking ready. In five years’ time, ten, heck maybe in the next six months, but that’s up to me to decide.”

  I had expected anger to surface in his magnificent features, but I was quite astounded to find sadness marring his beauty. The sadness was etched everywhere, as if I had just crumbled and stomped on his dream because I had thrown a tantrum. But what had he thought? That I’d happily go along with his wants because I was so sick in love I’d bend over backwards to give him the world? There was no question that I loved him, but I also wanted to be prepared to be a mother, so I could be capable of loving my own offspring and not be this distant parent that would turn into an egotistical maniac the second the child threw a hissy fit or cried in vain.

  Being a mother was terrifying and should not be taken lightly. For crying out loud, it wasn’t a joke. Even if he vowed to do everything and anything in his power to cater to the child’s needs, the society expected the mother to do the nurturing, not the father. People would talk freely as to how awful I was at being a mother. The scenarios just kept flooding my brain, and I couldn’t, for the life of me, let it go for Blake’s happiness.

  I simply couldn’t. I was petrified that he was demanding this from me. In a year’s time, who knew what he’d ask of me then.

  “I’m sorry, babe. You know I’d give you anything to make you happy, but I can’t compromise with this request.” I hoped he’d find it in his heart to let this dream go for the time being. “Forgive me.”

  He nodded, looking like someone had died. “Me, too. You don’t know how much,” he whispered more to himself, before he gave me one last look and took off.

  “Where are you going?” I asked, panicked.

  “Heading to the office.”

  But it was late. Freaking hell, couldn’t he just cool the fuck down? “Stay home. You need to rest.”

  I heard the loud, thudding slam of the front door. Well, there went my answer.

  He needed to get away to clear his head. Hopefully, by tomorrow, he’d get over it and realize we weren’t ready to be parents, or better yet, we’d relish on being honeymooners and focus on each other since things hadn’t been dreamy at all since we got together.

  ~

  “Sienna Richards speaking.” I took the call the second after it rang. We were in William’s hospital room, visiting him, and when he’d fallen asleep, I hadn’t seen the problem in taking the call.

  Since I was graduating at the end of the year, I thought it would be sensible to also margin out of my comfort zone and take on another job in the marketing field. This time, I was vying to shadow being an Accessories Buyer on top of interning in Stella’s PR firm. I needed to see all the different aspects of what my degree could do for me, and I was actually excited at the prospect of being surrounded with things I was familiar with and knowing what it truly meant to be a fashionista.

  Being one entailed that one lived for the statement. The style. The risqué. The never-ending, shifting trend. The desire to be bold. To be unique. To find s
omething that portrayed our identity. So we could be free and live life the way we saw fit. The way we wanted to color and paint it with our own heart, our dreams, and our own signature uniqueness.

  I was young and the opportunity was there, therefore I was going to gladly seize it with both of my arms spread wide open and follow the path I had always dreamed of.

  The call was about my impending interview, which was scheduled in three days time. I couldn’t be happier than feeling I was on the right path of achieving my goals. Though, for a minute there, I felt the tugging pang of guilt knowing Blake couldn’t have his because I wasn’t ready to sacrifice any of this yet.

  I still wanted more from life, though. I longed to achieve so much before settling down with a baby. Having one wasn’t a short-term agreement, even if Blake made sure to detail everything to avoid my having to worry at all. I mean, come on, let’s get real here. A baby was a lifelong commitment, whether one agreed to it or not. It just was.

  I was grinning from ear to ear, even right after my call. I was about to spin around and go back to where Blake was when I heard him say, “You’re Sienna Knightly now. It’s been six months, and each and every time, it’s always Richards. You’re a Knightly now. My wife, in case that has escaped your notice.”

  I stared at him agog before it sank it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even realize I was doing that.” Sienna Knightly. Sienna Knightly. Damn, that was going to take time getting used to saying.

  He completely ignored me as he went through his phone. Ever since our conversation in my closet, we hadn’t had a real one since. It wasn’t my fault, but mainly his. I wasn’t sure if he was trying to cut me off and punish me for not delivering what one would consider one of my “wifely duties,” but either way, I wasn’t going to budge, even if he cried wolf.

  I merely hoped he’d snap out of this so we could get on with our lives. Not having a baby right this instant wasn’t the end of our lives. For Pete’s sakes, we were young and could plan popping babies out several years down the road. As such, for him to gloat and be immature about this was truly maddening.

  “Stella’s dinner’s tonight, in case you’ve changed your mind—”

  “I have not,” he emphasized gravely. “More importantly, why should I go to a dinner where they celebrate their impending birth of their first child when I have to wait for my very own to be conceived in nearly half a decade?”

  “That’s not fair to throw it in my face, Blake, and you know it.” This grudge wasn’t going to go away anytime soon, I supposed.

  He sighed. “I know it isn’t fair, Sienna,” he said with alacrity. “I know this more than you do, but I held on to hope, thinking this was something that could be negotiated. I was, unfortunately, mistaken in believing we are a team that could take on whatever hurdle was thrown at us. My love is unconditional, and it was utterly shattering to see that yours isn’t.”

  I loved him; how dare he question that. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re just upset, and you’re thinking is muddled with all these emotions playing havoc with the logical side of you.”

  “That may be so, but the blatant fact remains the same. I may be all things right now, but my gut is never wrong, Sienna. It’s there, and it’s telling me that it is.”

  He was plainly being ridiculous. I didn’t want to hear any more of this crap. It was diminishing my hopes and dreams, and I didn’t want him to take that away. As much as I loved him, I couldn’t sacrifice all of that for him.

  “I’m really sorry that you’re hurting, but please don’t take this out on me, knowing very well that you were aware of what you were committing yourself to the day you agreed to marry me.”

  “Are you really sorry, cara?” he questioned with a straight face. “Because, from where I’m standing, you look like you don’t have a care in the world…. Just as long as your lovely, little world isn’t shaken up, you are quite okay to happily ignore the things that are happening around you.”

  He kept stabbing me with his words as weapons, and I wasn’t going to tolerate it any longer. I’d had enough of it. “I’m going home. I’ll see you when you get back.” I reluctantly went close to him and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m sorry, Blake.”

  Desperate Measures

  Blake

  “I’m sorry, Blake,” she merely whispered against my ear before she walked out of the room while I watched after her, noting the massive gap that was stretching between us.

  Even though grandfather was sound asleep, I stayed a while, needing the comfort of the steady beating of his heart and breathing monitor that made an echoing noise in the background.

  Had my wish been so selfish that she’d immediately brush it off without some thought? Sienna hadn’t even batted a single one of those sooty lashes before making a decision. She had simply brushed it off as if I’d get over it the next day, as if it was some kind of irritating noise in the background. I had hoped she’d at least consider my proposal without shutting it down fully just because she felt like she was being trapped into doing something she didn’t want to do. I never meant for it to come off as an obligation—never—but at the very least, she could’ve at least discussed how and why I had come about this decision, even though we had come to a very logical agreement six months prior.

  She infuriated me to no end, although there was no doubt in my mind that I couldn’t stand not having her in my life. Last night, for example, I meant to directly go to the office and sort out the mess I had left my people to deal with because I was too frazzled to function after my grandfather’s unfortunate circumstances. However, even though my mind had been dead-set on heading to the office, I had somehow found myself driving towards our home. Upon realizing the route I had chosen, the immediate need to see her, even for the shortest of minutes, had felt more vital than breathing itself.

  Also, the urgency to spill my current dilemma was essential. All the while driving there, I had fought with myself, arguing that she might be busy and my proposal could wait until later on. Still, I had found myself in the driveway fifteen minutes later, resolute on seeing Sienna. I’d thought then that I had enough faith in our bond that she might at least try to see it from my perspective.

  How wrong had I been when merely seconds after my revelation, she’d immediately fielded everything and completely blocked any sensible reasoning that could put some shed of light to my argument. Was I angry that she’d reacted this way? Only a little, but I also knew I couldn’t hold it against her because she had made it precisely clear where she stood with the subject beforehand. Was I disappointed that my wife couldn’t even stand the thought of pretending to consider it at least? Most definitely.

  Pondering my problems wasn’t one of my main past times, yet sure enough, the past days had been bombarded by it, which was when the idea had pressed into my mind.

  I had thought it might rattle her a little, might even deserve me a hard slap for having the audacity to ask it of her. Never had I pictured her giving me a cold, accusatory look as if I had betrayed her trust and confidence. As much as it hurt to be shut down, I wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

  And just like that, another notion surfaced. Therefore, I took my time, thinking about my new idea. So much so that I stayed another hour at my grandfather’s side, sitting and pondering as to how to go about it without sounding absurd. It was hard to decipher my feelings, truly. It was as if something had clicked inside me and nothing had been the same since. All I knew was that I wanted this new kind of happiness for me and Sienna, and at the same time, to fulfill this heavy void that filled my heart ever since my parents had died in an avalanche in the Swiss Alps.

  Whatever the outcome of this, I knew disappointment wasn’t far behind to remind me that sometimes, no matter how much you love or hope or dream or obsess about one thing, having the means wasn’t simply enough to accomplish the impossible.

  Shock Value

  Sienna

  I was in the kitchen, pouring myself a glass o
f sparkling water, when Blake strode into the room, seeming less tense since I saw him last. Cautiously sipping my drink, my eyes never left him. Even in these odd conditions, my appreciation of his dark, commanding beauty still hadn’t escaped me.

  He was all male and exuded the kind of aura that demanded attention and power. It easily came without lifting a finger or saying a word, making everyone jump to attention. He simply had been born with this outstanding kind of confidence I admired and envied most of the time.

  “May I have a word?” he spoke, breaking my trance-like fascination of his handsomeness.

  “Why do you need to be so formal? We’re in the kitchen for crying out loud. Word away, my dearest husband.” I meant to lighten the mood, but he didn’t even crack a smile.

  He’s still mad then, I assumed with a sinking feeling in my gut.

  “After you left, I began thinking… rather extensively, I might add.” He was terse, and even though he seemed composed, the locking of his jaw was an indication he was under a lot of stress because of yours truly.

  So this was about the baby again.

  “Go on,” I said, beyond exhausted about this damned, infuriating subject. Why couldn’t he just leave it be? Why, oh why, couldn’t he just get over it? This conversation wasn’t going to end well because my answer was still a resounding no.

  “How about surrogacy? The same conditions apply—you can do as you please and I’d still take care of the baby.”

  “Surrogacy?” Was he fucking with me?

  He made a careless shrug. “I made a last minute appointment set for tomorrow. I was hoping we could see what it is about.” He pulled out his cell phone, tapped on the screen, and slid it over the counter towards me. “The exclusive agency sent me photos in case you were particular about what the surrogate would look like. They said that some parents always demands a certain IQ level and impressive beauty.”