The Boy Problem

by Kami Kinard

  What an unbelievably great day!!!!! Well, it was a great day for me, but it looked like it was a pretty rotten day for Chip, who came to school wearing his duct-tape belt and carrying his book with its duct-tape cover. Poor guy waited until Kara finished handing out samples, then came to our table and ordered two cupcakes from her, which he paid for with money from his duct-tape wallet. When he told her he loved our T-shirts, she said, “Hmph.”

  I gave him a small smile when she wasn’t looking.

  Anyway, other than feeling sorry for Chip, my day totally ROCKED. Three cheers for taste buds! Samples on the toothpicks are the way to go! You should have seen Maybelline’s face when people started making a beeline for our cupcakes instead of hers.

  We sold out! The only problem with that is that Pri and I can’t get the data we need for our probability project. Tomorrow we’re bringing in an extra dozen.

  (Note: Andres didn’t take a free sample. Kara says she’ll make sure he gets one tomorrow.)

  Success again! We figured out our three bestselling flavors (chocolate, peanut butter, and red velvet), so now we’ve started selling all three flavors every day. By keeping daily records, we should be able to accurately predict how many of each flavor to bring in every day in order to maximize sales. (All of this data will be used for our algebra probability project.)

  Kara went back to making her index cards to reflect the past few days of sales.

  Maybelline hasn’t been too happy about our success. She spent the entire lunch period glaring at us. Kara said, “She looks like a python who wants to swallow all three of us whole.”

  “And our three dozen cupcakes for dessert,” added Pri.

  Well, they might have thought the anger in those greenish eyes was threatening, but I found it hilarious. I loved that the cupcakes made by the nerds were outselling the ones made by Miss Popularity. Nerdy chicks rule!

  The only bad thing was that when I asked Kara which sample Andres tried, she said, “He’s, like, the ONLY guy who didn’t take a free sample. A lot of them tried to take more than one.”

  “Did he ignore you when you asked, or slap the sample away? I mean, how’d he act?”

  “He said No, thank you. He was polite and all.”

  “Maybe you didn’t offer him the right flavor. What flavor did you offer him? Did you try more than one?”

  Kara looked exasperated. “I didn’t pay attention. If you want to make sure he takes a sample, why don’t YOU give out samples tomorrow?”

  “I can’t. You guys are standing right outside of the cafeteria entrance. I need to meet him in the cafeteria.”

  Kara shook her head like I was crazy, but I didn’t let it stop me. “I NEED him to taste a cupcake!” I said. “Everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!”

  “Says who?” asked Kara.

  “My grandma.”

  Kara rolled her eyes.

  “And the granddad on Duck Dynasty! He’s always lopping off the head of a catfish or the legs from a bullfrog or something while telling his grandsons how important it is to find a woman who can cook.”

  “You’d better find another way to Andres’s heart,” said Kara. “Given that we’re not serving catfish or frog legs, and the guy doesn’t seem to like cupcakes.”

  “Who doesn’t like cupcakes?” I asked. (The answer is no one. DUH.)

  “Some people don’t like sweets,” said Kara.

  “Name one person who doesn’t like sweets. I mean ANY sweets. Someone who has never wanted to go trick-or-treating. Name someone like that.”

  Kara looked irritated, but she was quiet for a moment.

  “What if he’s diabetic or something?” she said.

  Oof! I mean, he could be diabetic. Then that would make me a jerk. A big jerk. Because it’s kinda jerky to repeatedly shove delicious cupcakes in the face of someone who can’t eat them.

  “Okay, you have a point. He could be diabetic or have food allergies. How can we find out if he can’t eat cupcakes for a medical reason?”

  “You could just ask,” said Kara. “But it’s kinda too personal a question.”

  “Totally,” I agreed. But I thought about it for a mo and came up with a fab idea. “I know!” I said. “After lunch tomorrow, I’ll go tell Nurse Dobson that I don’t feel good. Then you walk by the door of her office.”

  “What will that accomplish?” asked Kara.

  “Nothing, I haven’t gotten to that part of the plan yet. Like I was saying, you walk by her office — scream — and fall down. Act like you’ve broken an ankle.”

  “And that will help you find out about Andres because …”

  “Because while you’re out there loudly demanding her attention, I’ll be quietly hacking her computer and reading Andres’s medical file. It’ll note whether or not he has diabetes.”

  It seemed like the perfect plan to me, but at this point Kara threw back her head and laughed. Seriously. She laughed!!!

  “What’s so funny?” I asked.

  Kara chuckled. “Really, Tabs, how many computers have you hacked? Ever?”

  “Ummm … none. But people hack them all the time. It can’t be that hard.”

  “Not people like you and me! Hackers have serious computer skills. There’s NO WAY you’d be able to do it. But let’s say for a second that you somehow miraculously managed to succeed…. If you got caught, you’d get expelled! And so would I!”

  “And that’s what you thought was funny? Us being expelled?” I said.

  “Not us being expelled. You. You thinking you could hack a computer!” Kara started laughing again. Rude!

  There had to be a way to find out if there were foods Andres couldn’t eat! Kara found out all kinds of things about guys last year, just by watching them and taking notes.

  I slapped my forehead. The obvious answer was staring me right in the face. Actually, it was still laughing hysterically, but it was about to be staring me in the face. I grabbed Kara’s arm. “You could do it!” I said.

  She stared at me. (See, I told you it was about to be staring me in the face.)

  “Just observe him, like you did with those guys last year. You know, pay attention to what Andres brings in his lunch for the next few days. Gather information! You can do that, right?”

  “Sure.” Kara smiled.

  “When you’re done observing, make one of your charts or graphs to help us figure out if Andres has any food issues.”

  Kara was totally on board with that!

  * * *

  My prediction: Once we find out what Andres can and can’t eat, I’ll bake a cupcake that he can’t resist!

  Dad picked me up this morning and brought me to his house, which is, like, forty miles away from my house, the house he used to live in. He lives out in the country now, where there is NOTHING to do unless you like to go on nature walks, play Scrabble with adults who know every word in the English language that begins with Q, or entertain a toddler who enjoys pulling everything out of kitchen cabinets, but not putting it all back in. I actually don’t mind any of those things, but I don’t like them enough to do them ALL WEEKEND LONG, which is why I usually try to come out here just for one night at a time.

  It worked out perfectly this weekend because Kara invited Pri and me to spend Friday night at her house. We were in great moods because the thirty-two cupcakes we sold at lunch brought us to almost a hundred fifty dollars in sales: one-fourth of our goal!

  My fave part of the night was when Pri took a shoe-box lid from her duffle bag and drew a grid on it. Then she told us to label the grid with boys’ names. When we were done, she pulled a toy top from her pocket.

  “This is a game to help predict who your next boyfriend will be,” she said. (That got my attention!) She handed the top to Kara. “Spin it. It’ll stop on the name of the right guy for you.”

  Kara spun it. The top stopped on Alex Brantley’s name.

  What a waste! She’s never fully appreciated Alex B! I’ll be jumping for joy if t
he top lands on his name when I spin it. I mean, he’s the perfect Plan B if things don’t work out with Andres. But Kara just frowned a little, and I saw her eyes dart over the square with Chip’s name! (Yet when he sent her a text ten minutes later, she hit DELETE without reading it. Sometimes I don’t understand my BFF.)

  It was my turn next, so I blew on the top for good luck. Then Kara told me that people blow on dice for good luck, not tops, which probably explains why I had such bad luck when I spun it. I probably blew the good luck right off of that top! It landed on the square with James’s name.

  I have to confess that I don’t know if I’ll ever find the right guy. I still haven’t figured out exactly how to predict that. But there is one thing I can predict with absolute certainty: Tabbi Reddy will never take James Powalski back!

  Pri took the top from my hand. “My turn. The good news is that I don’t care where it lands; I’ll take any of them!”

  “Trust me, Pri,” I said. “There are names on that lid that you’re not going to want to be associated with.”

  “No, there aren’t,” said Pri. “I’ve never had a boyfriend. I want to see what it’s like.”

  “It’s not worth it,” said Kara. “You’ll think you’re happy and then he’ll betray you in the worst possible way.”

  Please. If you’re gonna start a list about all of the rotten things people do to each other, I’m pretty sure eating a cupcake won’t top it. I changed the subject. “Go ahead and spin, Pri.”

  The top twirled around the lid, bumping off of the sides, and finally came to a stop in the square labeled JONAH NATE.

  Pri clapped her hands.

  “You don’t know Jonah Nate, do you?” I asked.

  “No,” said Pri. “But it looks like I’ll be getting to know him soon.”

  Kara and I glanced at each other. “Don’t count on it,” said Kara. “This is a fun game, but that’s all it is. You can’t use a game, a fortune cookie, a cootie catcher, or anything else to predict who you’re going to be with. It’s more complicated than that.”

  I disagree! But I chose not to comment.

  After that, we did the usual slumber-party stuff — painted nails, watched movies, and then crashed. Well, Kara and Pri crashed.

  I lay awake in my sleeping bag, looking up at those glow-in-the-dark stars again. I couldn’t help feeling a little jealous that the top landed on Alex B for Kara. I’m the one who’s always had a crush on him!

  Kara would say it didn’t matter — that the top was meaningless — but I’m not so sure about that! After all, even though I know I’ll never date James again, the truth is: He used to be my boyfriend. Maybe the top can tell who you date — it just can’t tell whether you dated them in the past — or if you’ll date them in the future!

  When I was sure Kara and Pri were asleep (Kara started snoring and Pri stopped talking), I grabbed the shoe-box lid and tiptoed to the bathroom. What could it hurt to try again? If the James prediction was for the past, maybe the next spin would predict the future. I held my breath and let it twirl.

  Alex Langford. Ugg. He’s completely in love with The Sponge. I think my fingers slipped when I was about to let go of the top, though, so that probably didn’t count. I tried again.

  James. Didn’t count.

  I spun it again. The top headed straight for Andres’s name! Then hit a wall and landed over on Evan Carlson’s. Another ex!

  I spun that top over and over, but it never predicted Andres as the one. There had to be something seriously wrong with the square his name was written in! Maybe there was a curve in the lid or something. I erased James’s name from the center of the box lid and replaced it with Andres’s. I spun one more time. The top finally landed on the right square!

  But now it had the wrong name in it. James. !

  At that point the shoe-box lid found a new home: the trash can! And I went to bed with blisters forming on the thumb and forefinger of my right hand.

  * * *

  My prediction: The shoe-box-lid fortune-teller doesn’t work!

  Kara came over after school with a chart in her hand. “I know what kind of cupcake Andres will eat,” she declared.

  She spread the chart out on the kitchen table. It looked like this:

  The only thing I noticed that he had the same every single day was ham and cheese.

  “A meat cupcake!” I guessed.

  “Gross,” said Kara. “Why do you think that?”

  “Because he brings meat every day. It wouldn’t be all that hard to make. I’ll make a meatloaf, divide it into cupcake pans, and put something like … mashed potatoes on for icing.”

  “Like I said, gross,” said Kara. She shuddered. “Besides, there’s already a food like that. It’s called shepherd’s pie.”

  “Well, the only thing he’s had every single day is a ham-and-cheese sandwich. I guess I could make a ham-and-cheese cupcake,” I said, thinking aloud. “I could throw in some eggs to hold the ham and cheese together.”

  “That’s called quiche!” said Kara. “And who said that he’s had a sandwich every day?”

  I pointed to the first column.

  “That says ham and cheese,” said Kara. “It doesn’t say anything about a sandwich. Or bread.”

  “You mean he just eats a slice of ham and a slice of cheese?”

  “No. They’re rolled together and held with a toothpick. Kinda ham-and-cheese pinwheels.”

  I looked at the chart again. “I give up. What flavor cupcake can he eat?”

  “I think he can eat any flavor. It’s what he can’t eat that’s holding him back.”

  “Meaning?”

  “I don’t think he can eat gluten. Notice he never brings anything made with wheat flour, like bread, cookies, or pretzels. Wheat products contain gluten. He can’t eat our cupcakes because they’re made with wheat. It looks like you’re going to have to find another way to impress Andres.”

  I groaned. I’d never heard of a kid who couldn’t eat gluten. Not being able to eat it can be a big pain! My aunt Sally can’t eat gluten, so when we visit her we can never go out for pizza or anything.

  But then I thought about some of the delicious things she can eat. I’m sure I’ve seen her eat gingersnaps! So there must be substitutes for wheat flour that you can use when baking.

  It makes perfect sense. We’d used a substitute one time when making cupcakes. We needed brown sugar for a peanut butter cupcake recipe, but we didn’t have any. We found a blog post suggesting we substitute white sugar and molasses for brown sugar. The cupcakes turned out fine!

  I grabbed my iPod and searched for gluten-free flour. “Hey!” I said. “There are all kinds of flours besides wheat flour.”

  “Really?” asked Kara.

  “Yep,” I said. “Corn flour, rice flour, and arrowroot flour are all gluten free!”

  “Where do you get something like that?” asked Kara. “I’ve never heard of flour that isn’t just plain old flour.”

  I looked down at the screen. “Grocery stores like Earth Fare carry it.”

  “Earth Fare?”

  “Earth Fare.”

  * * *

  My prediction: I will find a way to bake the perfect cupcake for Andres. (Assuming I can find a way to Earth Fare.)

  I knew Maybelline wasn’t going to like it when we outsold her, but I didn’t think she’d stoop to threats!

  Toward the end of lunch, Maybelline glided over to our table with a crocodile smile on her ruby-colored lips.

  “Looks like your business is doing great,” she said. “Too bad it’s your last day.”

  Pri jumped up and got right in Maybelline’s face. It was pretty funny watching her back away from tiny Pri.

  “It is not our last day!” Pri said. She was gesturing so wildly that I thought she might accidentally (or maybe accidentally on purpose) smack Maybelline’s perfect face. “Our cupcakes are better than yours, and our sales prove it!”

  Maybelline smirked.

  “Our last da
y will be October twenty-sixth and not a day before,” said Kara.

  “You’re wrong about that,” said Maybelline. “Because if you set up your cupcake table tomorrow, or any other day, I’ll show this to the world.” She held up her cell phone.

  “I hate to break it to you, but the world already knows about cell phones,” I said.

  Maybelline touched the screen with a plum-colored fingernail.

  “I took this entertaining video at Triple Slice of you and Pizza Face,” she said. “It’s so priceless it’ll probably go viral.” She tapped the screen and an image started moving and talking.

  It was me — bending over the pile of cheese, practically drooling. “I’ll tell you what I see: the image of my future crush! Look at that handsome profile! He’s perfect for me!”

  My stomach sank.

  Why does Maybelline always have to be in the wrong place at the right time? I looked over at Kara, and her face confirmed what my gut already told me. Even Pri had a hard time keeping a smile. This video made me look like a boy-crazy freak. If the world actually did see it, Pizza Face may be the LAST guy I ever had a chance to drool over. (Actually, who cares if the world sees it, as long as Andres doesn’t?)

  “So?” asked Maybelline, waving the phone in my face. “This is already uploaded to my Faceplace status. All I have to do is hit SHARE for it to go public. But” — she made room for a dramatic pause — “if you agree to stop selling cupcakes, I’ll erase it.”

  “We can find another way to raise money,” said Kara, touching my arm.

  Pri’s big eyes narrowed. “Five Corners Elementary needs this money! I say we don’t back down!”

  I thought about my cousin and the money needed to get her community back in shape. And more than that, I thought about my mom, who was so proud of my efforts and so happy that we were doing something to help my cousin’s school. I couldn’t disappoint them. There are a lot of things you can say about me. Some good and some bad. But when I know I’m right, I never, ever, ever back down.

  I wasn’t going to let Maybelline hold that video over my head. I grabbed the phone from Maybelline’s clutches and did something I hope I won’t regret for the rest of my life. I hit SHARE.