Plain Change

by Sarah Price

  He carried her bag through the kitchen and into the grossdaadihaus. Amanda didn’t follow him but stood in her mother’s kitchen, looking around. Everything seemed smaller to her. She didn’t remember how confining the room felt with low ceilings and dark walls. She wondered if he had noticed it when he first arrived on the farm back in the summer. If he had felt the same way, that everything was quaint in the country.

  “It’s cold in here,” he said when he returned, rubbing his hands together. “How do I turn on the heat?”

  She didn’t respond but walked to the propane fireplace and turned it on. He approached her, standing behind her, and rubbed his hands down her arms, trying to warm her.

  “I suspect we need to get changed, sí? Tend to the animals?”

  She nodded.

  Neighbors had been helping with the cows and horses for the past two days. But Amanda knew that they had their own responsibilities at their own farms. On their way back to the farm from the hospital, they had stopped at their neighbors’ to let them know that the farm would be taken care of that evening and the following morning.

  “Come,” he said, directing her toward the grossdaadihaus so that they could change their clothing and focus on the evening chores.

  It felt strange working alongside Alejandro in the dairy barn, especially without her father being nearby. She couldn’t remember a time when she had milked the cows when her father hadn’t been there. Alejandro seemed to shift into a different mode, quietly helping to milk the cows, muck the aisle, and drop the hay from the hayloft. She appreciated the fact that he didn’t speak to her, permitting her that time to think and work through the jumble of emotions that she was struggling with.

  The routine of milking the cows and carrying the buckets of fresh white milk to the refrigeration system in the back room helped her refocus her thoughts. The events of the past few years played like a movie in her mind, snippets of her life that led up to this moment. And it all came down to one decision on her part: a decision that had changed everyone’s life.

  Aaron.

  She had turned her back for one minute, and in that instant, everyone’s life had changed. One decision, one momentary lapse, and the future had been altered.

  She knew what she had to do, the only way that she could make up for what had happened.

  She had to stay.

  “Alejandro,” she said, her voice flat and emotionless.

  He glanced up and noticed the distant look on her face. “¿Qué es, Princesa?”

  She turned to look at him, but her eyes saw through him. Beyond him. She was looking into the new future, seeing the only way she could make this right. The past three years flashed before her eyes. She saw her parents and her bruder. She saw her father’s pride when he watched Aaron playing in the stream. She saw Aaron’s excitement from attending the horse auction with Daed. She saw Anna’s smiling face when Menno Zook had brought her home and her confiding about the celery in the garden.

  One moment had changed all of that: the moment she had turned her back on Aaron. Now, only one decision could change the dark future she knew loomed ahead. Unfortunately, she knew that decision demanded she not turn her back on her family again.

  “I can’t go back with you,” she said, the words hurting her throat as they escaped her lips.

  It took him a moment to digest her words, and when he did, she could tell from his frown that he didn’t care for them. “What do you mean?”

  Shaking her head as if brushing away her vision, she blinked and finally saw him. “I can’t go back with you. Not until my daed is better. If I go back with you, Anna will have to come home from Ohio. If she comes home, she might never get another chance at getting married.” She walked toward him, a new energy in her step.

  “Amanda,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “You think I’m going to leave you here?”

  But Amanda ignored the beginning of his arguments and continued, her voice pleading with him for understanding. “You don’t understand, Alejandro.” She lifted her hand to her head, staring for a moment at the ground. Painful memories came back to her, and she squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that they would go away. “Everyone was so distant and sad after Aaron’s death. The loss was more than anyone should ever have to be burdened with.”

  “You can’t stay here alone!”

  Amanda opened her eyes and lifted them to look at him. She had to make him understand. “It took so long for my parents to heal. They were destroyed. They could barely function. It was Anna and me who held it together. She and I worked so hard trying to keep this place together.” Amanda grabbed at his arm, holding it tightly. “Don’t you see? She missed out on one opportunity. Menno Zook didn’t wait. She almost lost her sanity over it. I won’t have her miss out on another chance. She deserves some happiness in her life. If Jonas Wheeler wants to marry her, she needs that same time that God gave me to find you, Alejandro.” She paused and chewed on her lower lip. “I know how this works for the Amish. If she comes home to take care of my daed and the farm, she won’t go back to Ohio.”

  “You have to return with me,” he said, tilting his head, assessing her as he spoke. “I need you.”

  She lifted her chin. “They need me more!”

  “You are my wife,” he reminded her.

  “I am their daughter,” she shot back.

  The sharpness of her tone startled him. Yet, he knew better than to argue. He could tell by the determined look on her face. “Ay, Amanda, what am I to do with you?”

  Her chest lifted as she took a deep breath. “I have to do this. You have to let me.”

  He shut his eyes and lifted his hand to his forehead, rubbing it for a minute. She heard him mumbling in Spanish, but she couldn’t make out or understand the words. “Don’t you see that I can’t stay with you?” he finally said.

  But he hadn’t needed to say it. They both knew it was true. He had concerts and interviews, the New Year’s Eve celebration at Times Square. People were counting on him. To cancel any of those engagements would be career suicide. Neither spoke as they stared at each other, trying to figure out the next step.

  “I understand that, Alejandro,” she whispered. “I have to do this, even if I have to do it alone.”

  He ran his hand through his hair, tugging at it in frustration. “¡Ay, Dios, Amanda! How long?”

  “Until the farm is sold and my daed is better.”

  Alejandro shook his head. “You heard the doctor. He will be confined to a wheelchair for quite a while, Amanda. It could be months before he is well enough that your mamm can handle caring for him.”

  “She can’t do it alone.”

  “Neither can you.” He raised an eyebrow, calmly staring at her, despite the twitching of the muscle in his jaw. He was clenching his teeth, fighting his own emotions.

  Silence.

  Finally, he shook his head, but she could see that his resolve was breaking down. “Forget the concerts. I’ll stay with you,” he offered.

  But Amanda simply smiled, a soft and understanding smile, as she shook her head. “Nee, Alejandro. You know that you can’t do that. It will go quickly. You’ll be busy; you need to work. I need to help here, to be here for my parents.”

  “The paparazzi will come back. You know that.”

  She shrugged. “I have nothing to fear from them anymore. You taught me, ja?”

  “¡Ay, Princesa!” he said, frustrated and angry, reaching out to grab her arms and stare down at her. She hated seeing the pained look in his eyes, but it mirrored the pain in her heart. He took a deep breath and whispered, “Love over fame. I promised you that! I won’t go back on my word, Amanda.”

  “You aren’t. Besides, I want you to go,” she replied, not unkindly. “Maybe I’m choosing love over fame, too.”

  Instantly, he glared at her as if her words stung him. “Whose love? The love of yo
ur family over me?”

  She smiled and shook her head. “Nee, Alejandro. I’m choosing love. Just love. Shouldn’t my sister be entitled to the same love that we have?” She leaned her head against his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him. After a long moment, she felt him pull her tight and return the embrace.

  Elias stood behind Amanda as she helped with the evening milking. He seemed nervous, shuffling his feet as he cleared his throat, searching for words. Obviously, something was on his mind.

  “Your mamm and I,” he began. Amanda stopped milking the cow and turned around to look at her father. He didn’t meet her eyes but stared at the ground. “We think it’s best if you and Anna go visiting Ohio for a spell. We have some relatives there. You both need to get away from this farm,” he said.

  What her father was saying didn’t make sense. “You are sending us away?”

  Her father nodded. “Just for a short while. A month. Maybe longer. Just to get past . . .” He let the sentence trail off, and she knew what he couldn’t say. Anna wasn’t well. Ever since her intended, Menno Zook, married another young Amish woman, Anna had grown increasingly withdrawn and sad. They didn’t want her home for the third anniversary of Aaron’s death. She needed a change, to escape the memory of what had happened and how she had lost her beau. Amanda would accompany her sister, giving Elias and Lizzie time to plan for the future, a future that looked very different now without a son to take care of them or the farm.

  “I don’t want to go to Ohio,” she said defiantly.

  “But you will.”

  “I just turned twenty, Daed,” she argued. “I’m an adult.”

  Her father leveled his gaze at her. “You live in my house. You live by my rules. You will take your sister to Ohio, Amanda. No further discussion.” With that, he turned and walked away, not caring that the unspoken message that she picked up was that her parents wanted both daughters away, one to get better and the other to get out of their sight.

  Amanda stood on the porch, watching as the car pulled out of the driveway. She felt a sob rise into her throat, but she forced herself to lift a hand and wave as the car turned to the left and drove up the hill. As the car disappeared, she covered her mouth with her hand, feeling the coolness of her wedding ring on her face. The tears began to fall as she turned to go into the grossdaadihaus and prepare for what would certainly be a tough couple of weeks. Perhaps even months.

  He hadn’t wanted to leave her. She had been persistent.

  She hadn’t wanted any extra help on the farm. He had been adamant.

  After two days, he had no choice but to return to his life, only this time it was without his wife. He had fought his own emotion when the time came for him to leave. His reluctance to leave her alone to deal with the situation was countered only by the increasingly gaping hole that she felt in her heart when thinking of being apart from him.

  She realized that she had done more than simply change over the past few months. She had grown into a friend, a woman, and a wife. Without Alejandro by her side, she wasn’t certain how she would survive. Their last night together had been sorrowful. Amanda had clung to him, crying, for she didn’t know when she might see him again. Certainly weeks; hopefully not longer. Even Alejandro had fought back tears, refusing to break down in front of her.

  She heard the familiar ping on her cell phone. He had insisted that she keep the cell phone and had arranged for the utility company to come by later that week to hook up a line from the road to the house. Despite her protests, he had insisted.

  “I will not be without a way to communicate with you, Amanda,” he had told her firmly. “You need electricity to charge your phone. Your parents can ask to have it removed when you leave if it’s so distasteful to them.”

  She picked up the phone and, through her tears, laughed when she saw the message from Alejandro.

  I love you for what you are doing.

  And I understand.

  But I don’t want to do this.

  You are my heart and soul.

  I’ll be back for you as soon as I can.

  Just remember . . .

  I love you.

  V

  She caught another sob in her throat, trying to stop the flow of tears down her cheeks. Her heart hurt inside her chest, beating so hard that she felt weak. She reread his words, hearing his voice, his accent, in her mind. That made it even harder to know that she was left behind once again. Holding the cell phone to her chest, she lifted her eyes up to the ceiling, blinking rapidly in hopes that she might stop crying.

  Then, as the sun began to set outside the window, she wiped at her eyes and looked back at the phone. She chewed on her lower lip for a minute before she finally tapped at the little keyboard:

  <3

  A

  Setting down the phone on the counter, she took a deep breath and lit one of the kerosene lanterns that hung over the sink. Pausing for a moment, she listened to it hiss as light filled the room. She needed to go out to the dairy barn to finish the evening chores. In the morning, she was headed back to the hospital to check on her father’s progress. She hoped that there were some more improvements in his condition and that he might be able to return to the farm soon. The first step to recovery, she thought.

  Heading out the door, she reached for her mother’s black shawl that was hanging from a peg. Wrapping it around her shoulders, she pushed at the screen door, finding a way to focus on what she had to do. One day at a time, she told herself. One day at a time . . .

  Glossary

  Pennsylvania Dutch

  ach vell

  an expression similar to oh well

  Ausbund

  Amish hymnal

  bruder

  brother

  Daed, or her daed

  Father, or her father

  danke

  thank you

  Englische

  non-Amish people

  Englischer

  a non-Amish person

  ferhoodled

  confused

  g’may

  church district

  grossdaadihaus

  small house attached to the main dwelling

  gut

  good

  gut (guder) mariye

  good morning

  ja

  yes

  kapp

  cap

  kinner

  children

  Mamm, or her mamm

  Mother, or her mother

  nee, nein

  no

  Ordnung

  unwritten rules of the g’may

  rumschpringe

  period of “fun” time for youths

  wunderbar

  wonderful

  vell

  well

  Spanish

  amigo

  friend (m.)

  ay, mi madre

  an expression; literally oh, my mother

  basta, papito

  enough, little daddy

  bienvenido

  welcome

  bueno

  good

  buenos días

  a greeting; good day

  cubano

  Cuban

  Dios mío

  my God

  dulce

  sweet

  escúchame

  listen to me

  gracias />
  thank you

  linda

  pretty

  listo

  ready

  lo siento

  I’m sorry

  mamacita

  little mama

  mi amor

  my love

  mi gente

  my people

  nada

  nothing

  oye

  hey

  permiso

  permission

  por favor

  please

  por qué

  why

  qué

  what

  qué es eso

  what is this

  qué pasa

  what’s up

  qué rica

  how rich

  Princesa

  nickname; princess

  sí

  yes

  tranquilo

  be calm

  vamos or vámanos

  let’s go

  Chapter One

  Thinking of you and missing you.

  Daed doing better.

  Enjoy your day and call later if you can.