Walk on Water

by Garner, Josephine

  I glanced at Luke. Had Mommy simply decided to forgo common courtesy all day today?

  “Luke sees his kids all the time, Mommy,” I interjected. “They were just here for Thanksgiving, remember?”

  “But how often can you get to see them living way down here?” she asked. “Any chance of you moving back to Virginia? I mean if there’s another promotion opportunity?”

  “I’m very close to my children, Mrs. Cunningham,” Luke replied. “My being here doesn’t prevent that.”

  “I’m sure airfares are not a problem, but still it’s not like you can bring them down here every weekend.”

  “No, you’re right,” Luke smiled crookedly. “Unfortunately not everybody can be as close as you and Rachel.”

  Mommy was quiet. It was her fault that I didn’t know my father. The yearbook picture had no caption, but she had known him. She could have made him real for me, something more than the co-conspirator in her worst shame.

  “Luke’s kids are great, Mommy,” I filled in the silence, looking at Luke. “Wonderful. And he’s a great dad.”

  “You were a hit with them too,” Luke replied.

  “I’m so glad. I was a little nervous.”

  “You didn’t need to be. I knew they’d like you.”

  We smiled at each other, while under the table Luke gently rubbed my thigh, generating as always a thrilling sensation inside me that even Mommy’s presence couldn’t dampen.

  “I guess with the divorce,” she spoke again. “It must have been better for you to be closer to your parents, you know, so they can help you.”

  A muscle twitched in Luke’s right cheek. He took his hand away, and hardness removed his smile.

  “How are your parents, Luke?” Mommy asked. “You haven’t mentioned them at all. How’s your mother?”

  “They’re fine, Mrs. Cunningham,” he answered evenly.

  “I’m glad to hear it. Please tell them I said hello. It was a miracle your mother running into my Rae like that, and then you two getting together after all this time. It’s too bad, you didn’t look me up at work, you two could have connected a long time ago. How long have you been back, Luke?”

  “Awhile,” he replied.

  “Now how would Luke know where you worked, Mommy?” I chuckled uneasily. “After twenty years.”

  He began eating again. Mommy resumed eating too.

  “If it had been me,” she said. “I would have tried. So much time wasted. And who knows? If you hadn’t been shopping on your lunch hour, we probably wouldn’t be sitting here today. Seems like Betty turned out to be your guardian angel after all.”

  Luke looked at Mommy, his face still really unreadable, and I chewed a broccoli floret that seemed to swell in my mouth. Finally I managed to swallow it and washed it down with ice tea.

  “You realize, Luke,” Mommy went on. “My daughter’s been carrying a torch for you since the day she met you. Talk about your hero worship—”

  “Mommy, please,” I said quietly, smiling weakly. “You’re not supposed to tell him that. He’ll think I’m easy.”

  “You are,” she replied. “To let her tell it, Luke, you walk on water.” She shook her head again as she cut into her remaining chicken. “Poor Robert, that was her first husband, he never stood a chance. You never got meet him, but he was—is really nice. I’ll say this for you, Rae, you must have the patience of Job to wait so long. I wouldn’t have. But I guess you got your reward.”

  “Such that it is,” said Luke.

  He put down his fork and Mommy stopped eating too. I, on the other hand, merely stopped breathing.

  “I mean,” he continued calmly. “I certainly can’t walk on water anymore, can I?”

  “Mommy was just being facetious,” I made another vain attempt to fix things.

  “You’re right, Mrs. Cunningham,” Luke added as if I had said nothing; perhaps even as if I wasn’t there. “I blew it twenty years ago. And I’m damn lucky Rachel’s got this thing for Juniper Breeze.” He smiled darkly. “Kinda got my own thing for it now too.”

  A little amazed by the confession, I smiled a little.

  “And I’m also pretty lucky,” he said. “You’d probably say blessed, that she’s giving me another chance, with all my baggage so to speak, which does in fact include a leg bag attached to my catheter.”

  Which he had never let me see, always excusing himself to go to the bathroom before we made love. I covered Luke’s hand with mine and smiled at him joyfully when he threaded his fingers through mine. I loved him so much, and I could hardly believe it, that we were together. Thank you, God, I thought.

  “I didn’t mean any harm,” Mommy said after a time, reclaiming my attention.

  Holding tightly to Luke’s hand, I looked at her. The meal had worn away Mommy’s lipstick and perhaps she had applied too much eyeliner this morning. She was smaller than I was, thinner, shorter. Clearly I must have inherited my father’s frame. I could never be petite. Not like her. And not like Christina either. But Luke was holding my hand. And he liked my Juniper Breeze.

  “Rachel’s my only child,” Mommy continued solemnly. “All I’ve got in this world. I just want her to be happy.”

  “Then we want the same thing,” Luke replied.

  TWENTY-SIX

  During the drive home from Benton’s Mommy was quiet; not the kind of quiet she had been on the way there, when she had been self-righteous, almost haughty, but a different kind, subdued, reflective, maybe even rebuked. I kept trying to make conversation but mostly the effort was only earning me one-word responses and sometimes nothing more than a nod of acknowledgment that she heard me. By standing his ground, so to speak, Luke had shifted the entire balance of power at the table, and even if it was not forever, it seemed to be at least for today.

  So I found myself feeling sorry for Mommy. Luke had surprised her. He had surprised me too. Not so much by how he had said what he said, even in college I had seen him be brutally straight forward if an occasion called for it; but rather it was what he had said, I blew it twenty years ago, referring to what had happened between us. Could it be that he actually regretted breaking up with me? Then why had he done it? Over the years I had replayed his wedding day so many times in my mind, how too many of his smiles had filled his face but not his eyes, and in the reception line that look of recrimination as if I had done something wrong. Had I really driven him away? Maybe his mother had made him dump me. But in any case, I now knew that at least in part, he blamed himself too. It was kind of vindicating.

  Mommy, can you believe it? I wanted so much to ask her. Did you see the way he held my hand? He said I was beautiful, Mommy. Like a giddy teenager I yearned to talk it over with someone I trusted, to have the experience confirmed and validated. I’d just have to wait until I could tell Corrine. And yes, of course hindsight was 20-20, and maybe it wasn’t right to rejoice, but I did anyway. Better late than never was also true.

  However, I could have been a better mediator between Mommy and Luke. At work I often had whole families for clients, and I got placed in the middle of a no-man’s-land all the time. I was trained to remain neutral, to be a facilitator for, a bridge to reconciliation. Yes, there had certainly been times when Mommy had gone too far, lecturing Luke about his condition, questioning his commitment to his children, implying that he needed his parents’ help. It was no wonder that he had been annoyed, angry even. Maybe he had felt a little ambushed. I probably should have found a way to warn him that Mommy wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about us being a couple, but instead I had avoided the topic, not wanting to impugn her character or hurt his feelings. Again with that protecting thing that Luke disliked so much.

  I supposed I had just been hoping that once she saw Luke, how able he was in spite of his disability, how happy I was to be with him, Mommy would have been fine with us. After all, no matter how she felt about his mother, she had always professed to liking him “Don’t you think he’s out of your league?” Mommy had asked me once. “Li
fe’s not a storybook, Rae. It’s best to get your head out of the clouds.” She had meant well, then, and now. She was my mother and my father, and she had spent a lifetime looking out for me. Today was not the first time I had heard her say that I was all she had. We were close, just like said.

  At her house, I parked and started to get out of the car. Mommy looked surprised.

  “You’re coming in?” she asked.

  “Why sure, Mommy,” I said.

  Didn’t I always? It was football season, so I wouldn’t be staying for Sixty Minutes, but our mother-daughter day never ended this early. I followed her into the house where a very excited Pookie barked and pranced around.

  “We better take him for a walk,” I suggested opening the hall closet door to get his leash.

  Seeing me do this sent Pookie into a happy frenzy.

  “You can take him,” Mommy said. “I’ll make some tea.”

  Okay, she was sulking, but she really had brought it on herself. What did she think? That she could just talk to Luke the way she talked to me?

  “Mommy, are you okay?” I finally had to ask.

  “Yes, now go on,” she replied abruptly. “You said ‘walk’ in front of him. You gotta take him before he pees on the floor.”

  Pookie wasn’t happy about it, but I made it a short walk. It was cold. The December sunshine, fading fast in the late afternoon, was no match for the chilly wind and neither was my short coat. Not fifteen minutes later we were back at the house. Mommy was in the kitchen, seated at the table having a cup of green tea. Pookie went straight to his bowl for a drink of water and a crunchy snack. As I reported on his walk, I reset the electric kettle and waited for the water to boil.

  Once I had my own cup of tea I too sat down at the table, determined to draw Mommy out. The silent treatment was beginning to make me nervous. Was there some counter-attack planned? Luke wouldn’t be here to defend himself, or us for that matter, so it would be left up to me.

  “Did you like Benton’s?” I asked having nothing else to say.

  “It was all right,” she replied sipping her tea.

  “They have a great menu. We should go there again. I was thinking maybe we could take Miss Ruthie there for her birthday.”

  “Maybe,” Mommy said. “We’ll see.”

  The room was silent again. In the distance there was the repetitive beeping of a car alarm. Did those things even work? I sighed. Mommy finished her tea and carried the cup to the sink. Oh well. She couldn’t punish Luke so I supposed I would have to do.

  “Mommy,” I finally said with my back to her. “I’m sorry if Luke offended you.”

  “He didn’t,” she replied.

  I turned to face her, but her back was to me.

  “Then why are you so upset?” I asked.

  “Who says I’m upset?” she wanted to know.

  “Mommy. Come on. You haven’t said two words to me since lunch.”

  “What do you want me to say?” she asked wiping down the already clean countertop.

  “I don’t know,” I answered. “Something like you’re okay with this.”

  “With what?” Mommy looked at me. “Your getting involved with a man with nothing but limitations?”

  “Luke’s not limited.”

  “Please,” Mommy snipped and resumed wiping the countertop before rinsing the dishcloth and draping it over the kitchen faucet to dry.

  I watched her then go to the pantry for more dry dog food to replenish Pookie’s bowl.

  “I don’t see him that way,” I eventually said.

  “That’s because you aren’t too smart when it comes to men,” she replied. “Especially when it comes to Luke. You were blessed to have Robert but he wasn’t Prince Charming, so to hell with him. And my guess is this Brian isn’t so charming either. It’s Luke or bust with you. It’s not fair, Rachel. Robert deserved better than that.”

  She closed up the bag and put it away, shutting the pantry door.

  “I wonder when you’re going to stop holding that against me.” I said.

  “Robert was a good husband,” she replied.

  “How would you know, Mommy? You’ve never been married.”

  Did I just say that? Oh God. I didn’t want this to be a fight.

  “I chose not to,” replied Mommy.

  “That’s right, Mommy, you chose,” I tried to say in a softer tone. “I’m choosing too. Why can’t you just be happy for me?”

  “Because I know that when Luke Sterling had a choice, you weren’t it. You’re like a consolation prize for him, you ever think about that?”

  A consolation prize. That was a pretty good counter-punch for my you’ve-never-been-married strike. So I was second place. A silver. Maybe even a bronze. An honorable mention. I thought about it all the time. But according to the Bible the race was not to the swift. It was the one who endured to the end who was saved, who was loved. A little smile broke across my face.

  “You’re okay with that?” Mommy demanded.

  My smile brightened, and I took another sip of tea.

  “It’s not so bad, Mommy,” I said. “In a way I’m kinda your consolation prize too.”

  By the time I got home it was almost seven and T-T and Agatha were very pleased to see me. The light on my answering machine was also a blinking, which filled my stomach with little butterflies in anticipation that it would be Luke maybe inviting me to come over. I didn’t usually see him on Sunday evenings, but this had not been a usual Sunday.

  I stared at the red light, the way Eve might have stared at the apple. We had made it through the rest of lunch, even through coffee, and a shared single slice of chocolate cake that Luke had insisted we order. So much for Mommy’s warnings about dessert. To her credit Mommy had graciously thanked Luke at the end when naturally he had paid the check. The blinking light was spellbinding. Still amazed by his admission during lunch, I was very hungry to see him. But then again when wasn’t I? So choosing to practice a little delayed gratification, I walked away from the answering machine and fed T-T and Agatha instead. Then I cleaned their litter box and carried the waste out to the condo complex dumpster, impressing myself with my discipline.

  If it was Luke who had called, it must not have been urgent or important; otherwise he could have called my cell or left me a text. He knew where I would be. It was after all Mommy’s day even if she had not enjoyed it. Maybe it was only Corrine wanting to hear about how the lunch had gone. My guess was that I would be telling her almost everything, so it was also a little gratification-delaying not to call her tonight too. Corrine, I think he’s sorry we broke up I could hear myself telling her. What if Lucas was right? What if this was like some kind of movie?

  Back in the house again, I hit play on the answering machine. The single message was from Luke: “Hey. Sorry about the way lunch went down. I wasn’t much of a gentleman. Maybe we can do it again and I’ll be better behaved. Talk to you later.”

  I wasn’t expecting that. Not an apology. What did he have to apologize for? It was Mommy’s behavior that needed improvement. I respected my elders as much as anybody, but that didn’t mean you shouldn’t defend yourself. Immediately I started to dial Luke’s number but then stopped and hung up the phone. His voice sounded funny, flat, like he was tired. What if we ended up arguing about lunch or something? Him defending Mommy and me defending him. No, maybe it was best to let it go for the evening. I could call him when it was time to go to bed and say goodnight. That would seem normal. I settled for cuddling with the cats on the couch, playing classical music for them to purr by.

  This lasted for about an hour, until the cats were dozing and I was missing Luke too much to sit still. Suddenly, no doubt a bit emboldened by Luke’s lunchtime confession about the past, I took a very quick shower and changed into a red pullover cardigan and put on the jeans that he liked. Then I put on a little makeup and dashed out the front door and down the stairs to my trusty Corolla before I could think about what I was doing too much.

&nbs
p; TWENTY-SEVEN

  I wouldn’t stay long I bargained with myself as I drove to Luke’s house. I’d be back home by eleven and in bed before twelve. I just felt like seeing him that was all—well seeing him among other things of course. And he was my boyfriend. It was okay for me to do the pop-over. In fact it was kind of left up to me to do it. Because I lived on a second floor in a building with no elevator.

  Speeding, I was there in record time. From the street, Luke’s house looked dark, and for an instant I thought that maybe he had gone to bed early. But really he rarely used the living room. It wasn’t unusual that the drapes were closed. I should have called him I fussed at myself as I parked in his driveway. I had never popped-over before, and maybe he was busy, working possibly, or perhaps taking care of some physical thing that was the consequence of his disability in which case he would want his privacy. Nevertheless I was here now. I wanted to see him, even if only for a little while. And if it meant seeing more than I had bargained for then so be it. It was his life, and I was glad to be a part of that life.

  Approaching the front door I heard music. The thump-thump-thump base of some kind of dance music vibrated through his house. Picturing Luke’s fancy Bose system cranked-up loud enough to possibly be disturbing his neighbors made me smile. Maybe forty really was the new twenty. I certainly felt like a teenager at times. It was kind of nice being silly and irresponsible every now and then.

  I rang the doorbell and waited a moment. Then I rang it again. This time the music stopped. He had heard me. I got ready to tease him when he opened the door.

  “Who is it?” Luke asked a little while later.

  “The police,” I said in a rough, authoritative voice. “Your neighbors called.”

  The deadbolt turned.

  “What the—” his voice dropped off when opening the door he discovered me standing on his threshold.

  I was kind of speechless too. Shirtless, Luke’s square shoulders, tight pecs, and bulging biceps shone in the foyer light, glistening with sweat.