Diary of a Chav
Page 16
Spin on one: (vb.) Phrase usually accompanied with a raised middle finger. “Go and spin on one mate!”
Spots: (n.) Zits. Red lumps full of puss that appear on your face the day before a party and make you look like a freak.
Staffy: (n.) A Staffordshire Bull Terrier. A dog that a lot of chavs own. Oh, and the Wood family owns one too, called Penny, but as I say we aren’t chavs!
Strop: (n.) A hissy fit. “She took a right old strop when she saw I looked better in that dress than she did!”
Swot: (n.) Someone who studies hard at school and tries to pass their exams and hangs about libraries reading books by Jane Austen writing HA HA HA THIS IS THE BEST JOKE EVER!! in the margin in fountain pen and doesn’t lose their virginity till they’re 29 and has a shelf in their house for all their spelling bee prizes and has a mother who stops all the other mothers in the supermarket and bores their baps off about how AMAZING they are, i.e., not me.
Take the mickey: (vb.) To make fun of someone or have a joke with them. Taking the mickey can be nice or not nice, depending on how far you take it. Like I take the mickey out of my Carrie a lot for being so vain. But Latoya Bell is just plain unpleasant when she takes the mickey. In fact she’s just a bully.
Tat: (n.) Rubbish, junk, nothing of any worth. Also tatty (adj.)
Trackie: (n.) Track suit or sweat suit.
Trollop: (n.) A hoochie momma. Bint, slag, tart, bimbo, ho . . .
TWOC: (n.) Police term for stealing a car: Take Without the Owner’s Consent.
Unit: (n.) Pupil Referral Unit. When you get expelled from school and no other schools will take you as you’re a troublemaker, this is where you end up. This is basically a school you attend every day full of all the other kids who no schools want to teach. SCARY.
Up the duff: (adj.) Pregnant, knocked up, in the pudding club. “OMG I saw Katy drinking Vodka outside Perfect Chicken and she is totally up the duff too!”
Waffling on: (vb.) Yaddering on and on with no real direction or care for the fact that everyone has gone to sleep or left the room. See also: Rabbiting on
WAGs: (n.) British football term meaning “Wives and girlfriends,” i.e., the women who turn up to games to support their husbands/boyfriends dressed in $50,000 of designer gear and get drunk on champagne and snog other footballers that aren’t their boyfriends then end up on the front of The Sun falling out of a nightclub being sick in their $5,000 Miu Miu handbags.
Wednesday club and the meat raffle: (n.) The Wednesday Club is where my Nan meets other old duffers on a Wednesday. Sometimes they get pretty crazy wild and they have a tombola or raffle where the main prize is a lovely piece of beef or lamb.
Well butterz: (adj.) Ugly, minging, not attractive. Sort of “butt ugly” taken to the extreme.
Welly: (n.) A plastic waterproof boot like a farmer might wear.
Wind-up merchant: (n.) Someone who enjoys playing tricks or saying things that will get people annoyed or simply wind them up.
Whinge: (vb.) To moan and complain. Also whinger: (n.)
Year Ten, stream two: (adj.) Aged 14-15 and in the second-cleverest class at school. All the geniuses will be in stream one.