by David Cross
She puts a sign reading “I’m on (cartoon of a guy with a bloody broken leg)” and walks away toward the break room.
BOB
Dammit.
DAVID
All right, well, let’s go drinkin’.
BOB
(angry)
No, David! Look, do you want to go back to shining camels’ asses at the racetrack?
CUT TO:
EXT. RACE TRACK, STABLES
A horse with a warming blanket over him stands in a stable behind TRAINER wearing a fedora, suit. As the Trainer talks to camera, Bob and David walk by in the background, covered in slop, carrying buckets (“Tekmans Camel Shine”) and rags.
GRAPHIC: “Jim Whitten, Trainer, RoseThorn Horse Track”
TRAINER
The horses like to have a companion, a goat, a dog, keep ’em company. That’s why we got Chip the camel over there.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but why do you have those guys shine her behind?
TRAINER
Hm?
The Trainer turns to see Bob and David.
TRAINER (CONT’D)
Hey! Hey you two, get the hell outta here!
The Trainer chases Bob and David.
CUT BACK TO:
INT. DMV TYPE ROOM—PRESENT
David, having this memory.
DAVID
Well yeah, eventually.
BOB
That’s what I’m talking about. But we gotta prove ourselves first. Now we’re getting that slip and we’re making our movie.
They both look to the “break room” in back.
INT. BREAK ROOM
A sad, shitty institutional break room; Formica table, folding chairs, wrappers littered about. Carlotta is by the vending machine, punching buttons.
Bob and David enter.
BOB
Give us one of those slips that you gave those other guys. Now.
CARLOTTA
Excuse me? This is the break room. Employees only.
She puts some more coins in and carefully selects her item. David wants to go, but Bob won’t budge.
BOB
Dammit, you… give us that slip.
CARLOTTA
Don’t you threaten me! Damn…
She is preoccupied with the vending machine, pressing and re-pressing the same buttons. Finally we hear her item fall and get lodged in the machine exit chute.
CARLOTTA (CONT’D)
Oh… geez.
She hits the machine.
CARLOTTA (CONT’D)
Come on, cookie, drop for Momma…
ANGLE ON: Digital readout: 28 seconds…
VENDING MACHINE VOICE
(British feminine voice)
You have twenty-eight seconds before the vending chute is closed…
(STARTING RIGHT HERE we go to LETTERBOX “ANAMORPHIC” framing)
ANGLE ON: DAVID
MUSIC: Scored, suspense
DAVID
Are you having trouble with your cookie?
ANGLE ON: the trapped cookie, an “AUNT GRANDMA’S CHOCOLATEY DOUBLE CHIP DELITE” hanging in the chute.
ANGLE ON: Carlotta, beads of sweat on her brow. Reaching up the chute in vain.
CARLOTTA
It’s my favorite cookie… the last one…
(tears come to her eyes)
My wrists… too big-boned…
VENDING MACHINE VOICE
T-minus twenty seconds to chute closure.
CARLOTTA
Oh, Jesus and St. Lucifer come to my aid in this time of great need…
ANGLE ON: Her fat wrist in the vending tunnel. She will never reach the cookie. Suddenly, appearing beside her wrist is a white-skinned, thin wrist.
David has knelt down beside her and is reaching for the cookie.
DAVID
Excuse me, ma’am, let me try.
VENDING MACHINE VOICE
T-minus fifteen seconds to chute closure.
David reaches for the cookie, and… he has it!
Carlotta breathes a sigh of relief.
CARLOTTA
Oh, thank you… why you have the magic hands of a little white girl; or a gay.
David holds the cookie in its place in the chute.
DAVID
Give us one of those slips and you get your cookie.
Carlotta can’t believe his audacity, holding her cookie hostage!
VENDING MACHINE VOICE
Eight seconds to closure. seven—six—five…
Countdown continues through the remainder—
CARLOTTA
But, I just, it’s my break, I…
David releases the cookie, but holds his hand there, ready to grab it again. Cornered, Carlotta pulls out a blue slip and hands it to Bob. David snatches the cookie, and yanks his arm out of the machine, and we see a metallic multilayered shield that could rip your arm off, snap shut.
David hands her the cookie. She begins eating greedily. Bob and David celebrate.
BOB
Awesome!
DAVID
We got it!
(DROP ANAMORPHIC FRAMING)
MUSIC: Suspense scoring ends.
CARLOTTA (O.C.)
Well, that ain’t all you need, honey.
DAVID
What?
Carlotta slowly eats her cookie and coyly teases the guys—she has the upper hand.
CARLOTTA
The blue slip is worthless without it gets stamped.
She holds up a stamp. The room darkens, except a ray of light which hits her hand holding the stamp.
Music: Ominous, Lord of the Rings-ey
CARLOTTA (CONT’D)
You just like everybody else. You need to get a few things first.
DAVID
What things?
CARLOTTA
First thing—you need to get your physicals. Got to be in tip-top shape for moviemaking! Next you need a concept, an idea, fish outta water or maybe just rip off ol’ Harry Potter. Then you need you a star to shine so bright, and give your film an opening night. A lock of hair from a Producer, some famous grease from a Hollywood shmoozer. Lastly, approval from the Mayor of Hollywood, you get that, baby, and you got it good.
DAVID
The Mayor of Hollywood?!
Carlotta points to an oil painting of a grizzled old dude smoking a cigar, THE MAYOR OF HOLLYWOOD.
CARLOTTA
You have until five p.m. tonight, after that, the effects of this cookie wear off and I forget all about you.
She finishes the cookie and gives a self-satisfied chuckle.
CARLOTTA (CONT’D)
Thanks for the cookie, cookie.
She exits.
DAVID
(looking at watch)
Shit, Bob, it’s already noon. We’ve got a lot to do.
RINGLORD OF THE STARS
Bob and David are walking down Hollywood Blvd.
DAVID
I’ve always dreamed of making a movie so I could see what all the fuss is about.
BOB
What do you mean “all the fuss”… you’ve seen movies, right?
DAVID
Does porno count?
Bob shakes his head “No.” Then David shakes his head “no.” Then Bob shakes his head “no” again.
BOB
Let’s go…
They head off, past a KOREAN STREET VENDOR with a foldout table loaded with videocassettes and DVDs.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
Number one films! All films! Originals! Cheap!
A PEDESTRIAN stops by the table and peruses.
PEDESTRIAN
What have you got here?
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
I got all number one films. Originals. You buy them. Be first to own. DVD or video, I don’t care, you buy whichever, I don’t care.
PEDESTRIAN
Let’s see…
(reading the names)
Star Battles, Star Battles 2: The Return of Yodi, The Lord of
DeepRing, SpiderFriend… I don’t know, man, something’s fishy here.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
No! No fish! DVDs, videos! You buy, take home, watch, laugh, cry, rethink life, maybe make different choices in future—
PEDESTRIAN
No, these are all cheap knockoffs.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
No! All originals!
A DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER steps up, waving a videotape.
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER
Hey man, you ripped me off.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
What?
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER
This is not the original.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
What you buy?
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER
The Ringlord and the Star Warrior II. Uh—I wasn’t paying attention, and I’m not very smart, so I was tricked by you.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
No—it is original! You look, I show you! No returns! Top quality!
The vendor pops the tape into a crappy monitor with a VHS machine propped up on milk crates behind him. He presses Play and we go FULL SCREEN with the crap title sequence to The Ringlord and the Star Warrior II.
(NOTE: The following “film” is shot on film, then projected in a real theatre, and reshot with handheld video.)
GRAPHIC: The title, cut off at both sides, too big for the screen.
MUSIC: Grandiose, orchestral… but also, clearly done by one guy on his synthesizer… in a basement in Beijing
The scenes we are about to see are all dubbed in Korean, but we will write them and shoot them in English, because… you’ll see.
OPEN ON: Establishing shots—
EXT. A FOREST
EXT. A MOUNTAINSIDE
EXT. A CUTE HUT
What I am writing are all shitty English subtitles… because we are hearing it in Korean, remember?
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
One time there was a ring. This ring was mad if you were mad. And nice if you were nice. So, no mad person should ever wear it on their finger-hand.
We hear the singing voices of little people.
Camera passes through a bush to reveal a group of guys in elf costumes, all on their knees, in a circle, singing. The audio track clicks, jumps, and is horrible.
ELVES
All is well in Glooby-town, life is fun when you’re a Glooby. We will sing and dance all day, and drink muffet tea by the robot friend.
They continue singing and reveal ARTIE-BLEEP-BLOOP, a squarish R2-D2 robot which is clearly a midget in a trash can, dancing around and blooping and bleeping. (His face is cut out in a clumsy, amateur effect.)
ROBOT
I love you all. I am your robot friend. We are friends forever. True love always. Look out, evil is all around.
EXT. RIDGE
Rising over the ridge comes our film’s cheapo Darth Vader: “DEATH RAIDER” with a flowing robe (it’s Paul Tompkins on Jay Johnston’s shoulders, with a batting helmet, and an intercom taped to his mouth, and ski goggles). He wears a paper plate with macaroni painted black as a chest plate.
Behind him comes our Gollum: “MOLLUG.” This is TOM KENNY, or BLAINE CAPATCH, wearing a dirty bodysuit, rolling a yo-yo up and down, and slobbering.
MOLLUG
What do you see, Master?
DEATH RAIDER
We must vanquish the Gloobies! Before they bring joy to the universe, by being nice and wearing the ring!
Both laugh. Death Raider pulls out a “light saber,” which is a flashlight, with the “saber” part scratched into the film.
FEMALE NARRATOR (V.O.)
Meanwhile, somewhere else…
EXT. SUBURBAN HOME
Placid setting.
INT. BEDROOM
A boy named ELI is looking at something curiously. He offers, towards camera, a popsicle.
ELI
Come on… try the happy pop! You’ll like it.
ANGLE ON: A handpuppet. Or a doll held by a guy wearing all black, as though you won’t see him. It shakes around and makes weird whiny noises, or the same noises as the Artie-Bleep-Bloop.
ELI (CONT’D)
What’s wrong? Don’t be afraid. I come in peace.
The puppet eats the popsicle.
ELI (CONT’D)
I am lost here on your planet. Just for a short time. Can I stay in your nice suburban home?
A noise offscreen.
MOM
Honey, are you doing your homework?
Eli is scared and hides. The puppet waggles out from the closet and looks over to the door.
A puppet mom enters through the door.
MOM (CONT’D)
I heard noises. Are you okay?
CUT BACK TO:
EXT. STREET
The Korean Street Vendor and the Disgruntled Customer have been watching this and resume their argument. Some PASSERSBY stop to listen in.
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER
That’s a bunch of crap! It’s not what I paid for!
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
This is classic movie! Original! Changed people’s lives! No refunds! Original film!
PEDESTRIAN
Can’t you tell? It’s just a cheap Korean rip-off!
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER
No, it’s not, that’s the problem! I wish it was! I wanted to purchase a cheap Korean knockoff of an American film.
PEDESTRIAN
Why?
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER
For laughs—so I could feel my culture was superior—I don’t know! But this thing… it’s a fraud.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
No, I taped it myself in shitty theatre in Korea!
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER
Then you got ripped off, man! Because this movie is a crappy American version of a cheap Korean rip-off of some overrated American classic that’s been dubbed into Korean and then subtitled back into English!
Everyone is a little confused.
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER (CONT’D)
Just press Play, watch a little longer…
Now everyone is intrigued and they start the tape again, to see the Death Raider character slaying Gloobies with his etched-in light saber. He finishes, the music is triumphant!
DEATH RAIDER
And now, Mollug, have you found the ring?
Mollug leans into a Glooby’s dying face.
MOLLUG
Where is the ring? The one true ring?
DYING GLOOBY
I cannot tell you. You must ask the fairy.
DEATH RAIDER
Fairy? I cannot even see fairies! I am too huge! They are so small!
He laughs. The Korean dubbing cuts off, and we hear them speaking English, with terrible acting through the remainder of this piece…
DYING GLOOBY
Then use this magical lens of magnification.
The Glooby holds out a magnifying glass and then dies. Mollug, the Gollum, hands the glass to Death Raider.
DEATH RAIDER
But how will I find a fairy?
MOLLUG
You can hear them sing. Listen!
We hear strange theremin-type music. Mollug points.
MOLLUG (CONT’D)
There it is… a fairy! Right between that beer can and that pumpkin.
ANGLE ON: Real beer can and real pumpkin.
ANGLE ON: Death Raider. He holds the magnifying glass up to his eye and peers through it.
ANGLE ON: Person in FAIRY COSTUME floating between giant inflatable beer can and inflatable pumpkin-shaped jumping house.
FAIRY
Is it the ring you seek?
DEATH RAIDER
Yes, yes!
ANGLE ON: R2-D2 trash-can guy, blooping and beeping.
FAIRY
The ring is inside you. You must accept the almighty as your savior first to obtain its powers. Do you?
MOLLUG
I want to. I’m tired of living in a swamp full of deceit and lies.
DEA
TH RAIDER
I do too. I want to go to heaven when I die, and sing and pray all day.
FAIRY
Good. If you do that, then you can become anything you want to be, as you walk in the footsteps of the Lord most high.
MUSIC: Cheesy organ
All of the characters laugh warmly, Artie-Bleep-Bloop “bleep-bloops.”
A logo comes up reading: “Anointed Films Incorporated.”
EXT. STREET
The assembled on-lookers are all disgusted.
DISGRUNTLED CUSTOMER
See? It’s not even teenagers doing a shitty dress-up version of blockbusters, it’s a cheesy Christian version.
The Korean Street Vendor fesses up.
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
(losing his accent)
I know, I know. Guys, geez. Come on. Cut me some slack. Do you know how hard it is to trick people into seeing Christian movies? I’m dying out here.
Bob and David feel bad for him, but…
DAVID
Sorry, not biting today, I’m a Science-ologist!
KOREAN STREET VENDOR
Oh, I have Battlefield Earth—the original!
DAVID
No, no, a Science-ologist, it’s very different than Scientology. We believe all that Xenu stuff happened seventy trillion years ago, that’s a five-trillion year difference… they’re just being absurd.