by David Cross
BOB
Come on, let’s get those physicals!
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE, WAITING AREA
Various SAD CASES wait for a doctor. One BEVERLY HILLS LADY is at the desk talking to the nurse.
BEVERLY HILLS LADY
Yes, I would like to get more work done on my face.
NURSE
Can you be more specific?
BEVERLY HILLS LADY
Yes. I’d like to look like… Kathy Griffin.
The nurse nods and pulls up a chart for the Lady.
NURSE
Here, take this chart, it shows the eleven stages of Kathy Griffin… just circle one.
Camera follows the Beverly Hills Lady to the waiting area where we land on Bob and David waiting. David is reading a magazine. Bob is annoyed.
BOB
David, we just need physicals, we only have ’til five o’clock. Why do we have to wait for some special doctor?
DAVID
Bob, it’s totally worth it. These guys are the best Doctors in Hollywood.
David points and we see an Oscar-like statue reading: “D, B, and T, Best Hollywood Doctors.”
BOB
No David… it says “Best Hollywood Doctors.”
DAVID
Uh… yeah, in Hollywood.
RECEPTIONIST
Ginny Burkins?
GINNY, a nervous young woman, crosses into doctor’s office.
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE
GINNY enters the Doctor’s office, its walls lined with certificates, awards, and actors’ headshots. The DOCTOR is on the phone, distractedly listening, not writing it down…
DOCTOR
(on the phone)
Yeah… brain tumor, cysts, sure, fever… it’s done, I got it all, I wrote it down… it’s fine, don’t worry about it, I got it covered. No, I wrote it all down. Well those guys are assholes. Bye.
He hangs up and turns to Ginny, speaking quickly, cutting her off at every turn—
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
What is it? What do you want?
GINNY
I heard you were the best Doctor in Hollywood.
DOCTOR
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what do you got for me?
GINNY
Well, last summer I was diagnosed with—
DOCTOR
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
GINNY
—stomach cancer and I went for further tests—
DOCTOR
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
GINNY
And there’s still—
DOCTOR
Done!
She stops talking.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Done, taken care of. It’s gone. Don’t worry about it.
GINNY
What…?
DOCTOR
I’ll make a call. Forget that…
(shouting out his open door)
Sharon, get the O.R. on the phone, taking the stomach out. Now!
GINNY
Wait… no, I mean… I don’t want surgery.
DOCTOR
You want a water.
GINNY
No. I don’t have stomach cancer. The tests came out negative.
DOCTOR
Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine, I can work with that, no problem. Keep your stomach. Let me get Doctor Wilson in here, pitch it to him, okay?
(shouting out the door)
Sharon! Get Drs. Wilson and Melchowitz in here, pronto!
(to Ginny)
You don’t want a water, Kombucha? Nothing. Fine.
TWO DOCTORS, WILSON and MELCHOWITZ, enter and immediately start kissing ass.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Doctors, this is Ginny Rosemont. She’s going to get her stomach taken care of here.
WILSON
Great.
MELCHOWITZ
It’s exciting.
GINNY
Well, it’s not my stomach.
DOCTOR
Okay, we can work with that, right guys?
WILSON
Yup.
GINNY
The pain persisted, though, and it traveled into my intestine…
DOCTOR
Fine. Stop. I get it. I get where you’re going and I love it. Am I alone?
WILSON
I think it’s great, yeah.
MELCHOWITZ
I see it.
DOCTOR
(shouting out the door again)
Sharon, prep O.R., all three of us! We’re going in now! This is our number one priority for the rest of the day, this is what we’re working on!
GINNY
But I—
Doctor’s phone rings. He picks it up.
DOCTOR
What? Uh-huh. Sick? Fuck that disease. You don’t need that. I don’t see you with that disease. That’s not a good fit. That disease is an asshole. Head straight for the O.R. Shh, shh… It’s my only priority, bye.
He turns back to Ginny and the other two Doctors.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Okay, what are we doing here? Are we good here? Are we done? Ginny will validate your parking.
GINNY
I’m Ginny.
DOCTOR
Yup, got it. What? What?
WILSON
Done.
MELCHOWITZ
I love it.
The Doctors hurriedly leave. Ginny, completely overwhelmed and disarmed, watches them go…
Camera pulls out to ext. of building.
MUSIC: Heartrending, we sit on Ginny, alone…
EXT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE, HOLLYWOOD BLVD
Bob and David enter frame, and walk along, looking at their physical forms.
BOB
I’m in tip-top shape for moviemaking.
DAVID
Me, too, clean bill of health, and according to this I haven’t done drugs for six months.
BOB
I think you have mine.
They exchange forms. Bob’s cell phone rings, he checks it.
BOB (CONT’D)
Oh, it’s my wife.
He answers the phone, and becomes wildly argumentative.
BOB (CONT’D)
Yes?! What?! I don’t know! No! Of course! Fine! Love you!
Bob hangs up.
DAVID
(warily)
How’s that going?
BOB
(ferociously)
Great! Get off my back!!
DAVID
Hey, hey, all right.
BOB
(suddenly calm)
You really should get married. It changes your life.
DAVID
(upset)
I’ve tried, Bob. Remember.
Bob nods, off his thoughtful look we—
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. NICE RESTAURANT
BOB and his wife, NAOMI, sit at a table in this very nice restaurant.
BOB
David should be here any minute.
NAOMI
What’s this girl’s name again?
BOB
I don’t know, it’s Lilly or Lana or something. He met her like, two weeks ago, and now they’re getting married already. It seems pretty crazy.
NAOMI
Let’s just be happy for him.
BOB
I am, I mean, I heard she’s hot, so…
(Bob’s eyes widen)
Holy shit… is that her?
David, in suit and tie and sporting a full head of hair, enters with his fiancée LETHA BOMBZ, a stripper wearing stripper clothes, looking very hot.
DAVID
Hey, guys, I want you to meet my fiancée, Letha. Letha, this is Bob and Naomi. Guys, Letha Bombz.
BOB
Wow! Nice to meet you.
DAVID
Yeah, we’re so happy, we’re just bursting.
LETHA
I’m happy, too. He’s my favorite.
NAOMI
Oh. So, “Letha Bombz,” that’s an interesting n
ame. What nationality are you?
LETHA
Oh, yeah, I’m studying to be a veterinarian or a lawyer. I’m so into David, though, he says he’s going to put me through veterinarian college or lawyer school.
NAOMI
Great. So, where did you guys meet?
LETHA
At the club.
DAVID
Yeah, The Salty Unicorn, it was really magical. We met and danced for like, three… hundred dollars. It was really very special.
BOB AND NAOMI
Yeah/Sounds special.
WAITER
(to David and Letha)
Madame, Monsieur, can I get you a cocktail?
Letha checks out the wine list.
LETHA
Yeah, do you have a room where I can get champagne?
WAITER
I can bring you champagne in this room.
LETHA
I’d like a glass of champagne, then. Oh, and can it cost thirty dollars, please?
The confused Waiter nods.
LETHA (CONT’D)
Oh, I’ve gotta go. You stay right here. I’ll be right back in a minute.
She kisses David on the cheek.
NAOMI
Are you going to the bathroom?
LETHA
(confusedly)
No.
Letha leaves.
DAVID
Oh my God, you guys, she’s awesome! Isn’t she awesome?
Bob and Naomi swallow their doubts.
NAOMI
She’s great.
BOB
Hey, buddy… uh, you have no problem with her being a stripper?
DAVID
(laughs)
She’s not a stripper, Bob, she’s a dancer. Big difference. Huge. It’s a new millennium, get with it. I just want you guys to be happy for me.
BOB AND NAOMI
We are… yeah…
Letha returns to the table, sweaty, sipping a water, like she just got offstage from dancing.
LETHA
(surprised to see David)
Oh, you’re still here! What’s going on?
David stands up and puts an arm around her, she gently removes it, but he doesn’t seem to care.
DAVID
We were just talking… about us.
David and Letha turn to go.
BOB
So, aren’t you guys having dinner?
DAVID
Oh, I can’t, Bob, I’m so in love I’m not hungry. All I can eat are chocolate Santas.
BOB
Well, I guess you’re really in love.
DAVID
Yup. It’s great.
Bob and Naomi watch them go.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. SMALL-TOWN MAIN STREET
MUSIC: Scored throughout, like a ’70s cheap horror film, The Stepford Wives
Dolly down Main street of a perfect Disney/David Lynch small town. Couples pass camera, none with kids. All the women are super-hot stripper types, all the men are pasty, slovenly, nerdy guys.
DAVID (V.O.)
So, we got married and moved into a quaint little town that Letha knew about. There were lots of other couples there, and they had free peanuts at the street corners, speakers in the trees, and a free brunch every day.
ANGLE ON: Speaker in tree. Hot, pumping stripper-rock playing.
End on small town sign: “Welcome to Cheetah’s III, pop. 346” beside a liquor license.
DAVID (V.O.)
It was great. The years went by, and Letha really did make me feel special…
MUSIC: The stripper rock song playing on the town speakers becomes louder, more present as it underscores—
A MONTAGE
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE
NOTE—The following montage is staged in a camera lock-off position. A picture window shows seasonal changes outside.
David sits in a recliner, watching as Letha dances, peeling off panties and bras, and tossing them to David, who smells them and sets them aside in an ever-growing pile. David’s hair thins as the years go on, fall passes, decorations give way to a—christmas tree in the corner. Letha doing a table dance just for David, there’s money all around her, and David throws more. This is replaced by a full-frame of a
GRAPHIC: A FIRST ANNIVERSARY CARD
… it opens as it wipes screen and we hear Letha’s voice reading the inscription..
LETHA (V.O.)
To a very special guy.…
Then we are back in the lock-off camera outside the same house. Inside, a birthday celebration. David sits in the same chair, birthday paper hat on his head. Letha dances.
LETHA (V.O.)
You’re my favorite…
We DISSOLVE AGAIN to the lock-off shot outside the house—colorful leaves on the tree, panties in the corner piled high.
LETHA (V.O.)
You’re so nice, and sweet, and funny, and um… God, these fucking heels are killing me. My shoes hurt…
She pulls him into a jello pit in the center of their living room. A BOUNCER in referee outfit watches, after which we DISSOLVE TO:
A SEVENTH ANNIVERSARY CARD, and as we see Letha’s personal inscription… we hear her voice.
LETHA (V.O.)
(her inscription)
Anyway, you’re so sweet and… wait, you’re David, right?
DAVID (V.O.)
I guess I was pretty happy, but one day I had to see the mayor about a discrepancy in my bill…
END MONTAGE
EXT. CITY HALL
Small-town city hall building.
EXT. THE OUTER DOOR OF THE MAYOR’S OFFICE
POV: A sign reads, “The Honorable Jimmy B., Mayor.” The door opens, revealing… an office as cluttered and dark as the office in a nightclub. MAYOR JIMMY B. sits behind a desk, with piles of cash on it. A BOUNCER stands behind him. Jimmy counts cash. He looks up to see David, timidly standing before him, holding his bill—
MAYOR
What’s up, kid?
DAVID
Oh, sorry to interrupt. It’s about my champagne bill, I don’t remember ordering—
The Mayor interrupts.
MAYOR
Look kid, you having a good time here?
DAVID
Sure.
MAYOR
Okay good, when people come to my town I want them to have a good time. (to Bouncer) Cappy, give the kid a V.I.P. pass. (getting up) All right? We square? That’ll get you free parking and a discount on sexy tomatoes. I gotta go see a man about a horse. (beat) For real. A real horse. I don’t gotta pee.
They watch David leave, then the Mayor nods to the Bouncer. They walk through an unmarked door behind the Mayor’s desk. A beat. Then David reenters the office.
DAVID
If I could just…
David notices the secret door is ajar. He watches through the opening.
David’s P.O.V.
INT. STRIP CLUB LOCKER ROOM
We see the town’s WIVES, standing by lockers in various stages of undress. Jimmy B. takes control.
MAYOR
All right girls, gather ’round. Let’s go over the monthlies. Devin St. Pierre, Devin St. Luscia, Letha…
ANGLE ON: Letha, dressed as “The Wife,” takes off her blond wig and dresses in a stripper outfit.
ANGLE ON: Eavesdropping David, confused…
MAYOR (CONT’D)
Devin St. Devin…
LETHA
Call us by our real names, Jimmy.
MAYOR
Okay, Cindy.
David is appalled.
MAYOR (CONT’D)
One of your husbands was just bugging me about his champagne bill, and it wasn’t even that high.
LETHA
Which one? Was it Henry, the bald guy with the toupee? You should kick him out of town, I think he’s running out of money.
MAYOR
Nah. It’s one of the other ones. The dark-haired one.
LETHA
The little gayish
one? Kinda jewy. Smells like old cans?
MAYOR
Yeah.
LETHA
That’s David. I can pump him for an extra couple of bottles a week. I know I can, Jimmy.
MAYOR
Well get to it.
PUSH IN: on horrified David.
MAYOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)
Okay listen, we’re opening up a new town, so I need you ladies to get some new husbands. Now get out there and shake your ass!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. DINER
David is passionately addressing other HUSBANDS: HUTCH, DEAN, and TODD.
DAVID
I’m telling you! I saw it with my own eyes! Hutch, I saw your wife, Devin, take off her wig and…
HUTCH
Wig? My wife doesn’t have a wig!
DAVID
And her name isn’t Devin, it’s Tina. And Dean, I heard your wife say that her OTHER husbands are buying more champagne than you!
DEAN
Other husbands? I’m her only husband.
DAVID
How can you be sure?
DEAN
Because she tells me! Every night she tells me I’m the best guy she’s met all night!