by David Cross
DAD
Kids, hurry! Into the bomb shelter!
INT. BAR
Guys in the bar raise a ruckus, while others faint.
CUT TO:
INT. SWEDISH FAMILY HOME
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
See Europeans reacting maturely!
The Swedish family watches the penis-alien cavorting on-screen. They are unmoved. (They speak in Swedish with subtitles.)
SWEDISH DAD
Interesting. Do you like it, kids?
SWEDISH KIDS
Ya. I like the aliens.
SWEDISH MOM
Let’s see what else is on.
The Swedish Dad switches the channel and they watch some people having sex. Again, the family is unmoved, enjoying the show.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE
Chaos.
ANGLE ON: The Scared Soldier levels his machine gun at the Aliens, and fires. Mayhem ensues. The World Leaders run amok.
Behind him, Dennis shouts—
DENNIS
Duck, Mr. Alien, duck!
The spaceship door closes, leaving Alien #1 stranded outside, dodging bullets.
Dennis heads towards the Alien. The Alien, confused and frightened, tries to save Dennis from the bullets, picking him up. The General thinks the Alien is kidnapping the boy—
GENERAL
Fire at will!
Alien #1 and Dennis run away, into the woods.
CUT TO:
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET AT DUSK
We see the Alien carrying Dennis, ducking behind hedges. A police car races by, sirens a-wailing.
RADIO NEWS (O.C.)
Once again, a heightened state of alert has been issued by the President. Be on the lookout for the alien. It is approximately seven feet tall and looks like the President’s penis. Well, anyone’s penis, really…
INT. DENNIS’S BEDROOM
Typical cowboy bedspread and wallpaper. The ALIEN and Dennis sit on the bed listening to the transistor radio.
RADIO NEWS (O.C.)
… If you’re a man, I mean. Anyway, you can’t miss it. Penis is the key word here.
Dennis switches the radio off.
DENNIS
I don’t get it, Mr. Alien, why is everyone so mad at you?
The Alien takes Dennis’s hand.
ALIEN
I don’t know, Denny. If only humans were more like you. I cannot believe that I will never again see my penis-shaped son Chloron. You’d like him, Dennis, he’s a lot like you, but shaped like a penis.
They hug. A single tear drips from the Alien’s one eye.
DENNIS
It’s okay, you’ll be safe. My dad’s a good guy, he’ll figure out a way to help you.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Can a one-eyed Alien from the planet Mars really live amongst us?
EXT. MCBOY HOUSE
Dennis’s Dad and the Alien exit the house dressed in business suits, carrying pipes and briefcases. Mom and Dennis wave good-bye to the two “men.”
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE.
A young COUPLE sit on a couch, listening to the Alien’s sales pitch. The Alien is still wearing a fedora.
ALIEN
And with our premium deductible for Mom you’ll save over ten percent.
WIFE
That sounds like an A-Number-One deal.
HUSBAND
We’ll take it.
He shakes hands with the Alien, who smiles.
WIFE
Are you sure we can’t take your hat for you?
ALIEN
Oh, thank you, my first sale, how exciting…
The YOUNG COUPLE grin, but then get a look of worry on their faces as though something is coming at them…
CUT BACK TO:
Graphic accompanies the following announcement.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
See One-Eyed Aliens of Planet Mars filmed in Splash-O-Vision!
INT. MOVIE THEATRE
A ’50s MOVIE AUDIENCE watching this very movie, smiling, really into it… get splashed with white viscous liquid and react, with more disgust than fear.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
What the hell?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2
Eeewwww! It’s salty!
The film clip ends, and we are back in the—
INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE
Bob and David can’t believe what they have seen.
BOB
So, that didn’t work, huh?
THE MAYOR
Well, yes and no. It scared people… but in the wrong way. Anyway, here’s your paper.
DAVID
Oh, shit, Bob, it’s five to five!
Bob and David tear out the door.
THE MAYOR
Best of luck…
The door slams on his last word…
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD - DUSK, AND I MEAN IT
MUSIC: SCORED FOR DRAMATIC EMPHASIS till the end…
Bob and David are running down the street, checking their watches.
BOB
Great, we got everything. But we might be too late…
DAVID
Don’t worry, Bob, she’ll keep it open for us.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET
Metal gate closing. CARLOTTA is locking up, muttering good-bye to one other EMPLOYEE.
CARLOTTA
Bye, Dwayne, see ya tomorrow.
Bob and David come running up.
BOB
What’s going on?
DAVID
It’s not five o’clock yet. There’s still a minute.
CARLOTTA
Not by my watch, honey.
DAVID
But we’ve got everything.
BOB
Please.
Carlotta sighs.
CARLOTTA
Show me what you got.
She “Mm-hmms” through the following…
BOB
Well, here’s our physicals. We’re in great shape.
DAVID
Here’s the lock of hair from the producer. It’s a little greasy.
BOB
Here’s our concept. We wrote it down on this napkin.
DAVID
Oh, and here’s our blue slip, signed by the Mayor of Hollywood.
CARLOTTA
Well… mm-hm, “a twenty-dollar hot dog!”
(chuckles)
… Okay, well, it looks like everything is in order.
ANGLE ON: Bob and David, excited. Carlotta is about to stamp it, but—
CARLOTTA (CONT’D)
Wait a second, you don’t have a star.
BOB
What?
CARLOTTA
You have to have a star attached honey, to star in your film.
DAVID
What about us?
CARLOTTA
I’m sorry. I don’t think so. Oh, well. Best of luck.
She heads off down the street leaving Bob and David standing there, forlorn. Rain begins to fall on them.
BOB
Damn.
DAVID
Well, I guess I’d better get my shining mittens.
BOB
And sauce…
DAVID
All because we couldn’t get a star.
BOB
Yeah…
Bob looks up. A hint of awareness in his eye.
BOB (CONT’D)
Wait a second, David…
ANGLE: Over the shoulders of Bob and David we see Carlotta waddling away, carrying her overloaded shopping bag.
BOB (CONT’D)
… I got an idea.
MUSIC: Sting
ANGLE ON: David grins… he gets it, too.
DIP TO BLACK:
(NOTE: THE NEXT PIECE IS A MOVIE TRAILER WITHIN A TRAILER. IT’S A BIT COMPLEX, WITH TWO ANNOUNCERS WHO OVERLAP A BIT.)
BLOCKBUSTER TRAILER
Over black—
ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)
In a world of blockbuster movies…
GRAPHIC: From the c
enter of the screen come the words “In a world turned upside down.” simultaneous with ANNOUNCER #2—
ANNOUNCER TWO (V.O.)
In a world turned upside down.
CUT TO:
EXT. NEW YORK PANORAMA
SFX: Massive rumble.
The image of New York shudders and flips.
ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)
Where the latest big movie is a must-see…
As the dust settles on the upside-down New York, another graphic comes at us from center-screen.
GRAPHIC: “This one’s a must-see… Clyve Dailey, The Beaver-Bop Report”
ANNOUNCER TWO (V.O.)
Where everything is topsy-turvy…
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM
(NOTE: This next scene is shot upside down. In a real room, we anchor the actors to the ceiling, and when they “stand” they are standing upside down, with their hair hanging down, and coins falling out of their pockets. HOWEVER, the camera is also flipped, so it appears they are standing up… but not really—)
DAVID is a futuristic guy, with a crazy tattoo on his neck, and wakes up next to TRINA, a tough hottie (think Franka Potente). He looks around and notices the CHANDELIER next to him, on the ceiling.
DAVID
Goddammit… no!
Trina sits up.
TRINA
What is it, Dex?
DAVID
Every day this city is upside down I think “This nightmare has to end!” and every damn morning I wake up from the nightmare, which I’m still in!
She hugs him.
TRINA
Be quiet, Dex! The Gravity Meister will hear you.
A knock on the door. Bob opens it. He enters wearing heavy boots, carrying a large plastic jug. His hair is rock-and-roll long, he’s got a leather vest, and he speaks with a British accent like the drug dealer in Withnail and I.
BOB
—do I ’ear some little birds calling my name?
David and Trina recoil.
BOB (CONT’D)
(shaking his juice)
Does someone need a slug of gravity juice to settle their equilibrium?
DAVID
(desperate)
I do. Please.
BOB
Catch then, little fella—
Bob tosses the jug and it flies up… which is really down, which makes no sense, of course.
ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)
And the story is a train wreck of clichés—
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM
Close on David trying to drink the juice from the container, it spills all over his forehead, as he is upside down.
ANNOUNCER TWO (V.O.)
One man fights to make it right.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE
Bob, as the Gravity Meister, David as Dex, fight with swords in front of this movie theatre.
SFX: Massive, overdone “swooshing” noises.
As the fight continues, we PULL OUT…
REVEAL the above trailer is being watched on a mobile monitor, the kind they put outside theatres to advertise. A mob of our movie nerds from the prior scenes stand around the monitor, loving it.
ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)
Two men refuse to go along with the herd.
Actors portraying Harry and Drew are in the mob.
HARRY
It’s awesome!
DREW
I’ve seen it twice!—today!
ANGLE ON: Bob and David, as themselves, watching the above trailer in the street.
BOB
I don’t know, I don’t get it.
HARRY
What’s not to get?
DAVID
Yeah, I just don’t think I’d like it.
DREW
What’s not to think to like?!
Harry and Drew and the MOB OF NERDS stare at them, confounded.
CLOSE-UPS, Dramatic moves.
Bob and David back away.
BOB
Uh… come on David, let’s get out of here.
ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)
Even friends and family turn on them…
EXT. STABLES
David and Bob pass a camel stable. Camera DOLLIES BACK to include other STABLE WORKERS on lunch break, eyeing them suspiciously.
JULIA
He hasn’t even seen it once!
OSWALD
Neither of them has seen it!
ZOOM IN on EMILIO, tight Dutch angle close-up!
EMILIO
I’ll kill them! I’ll kill them, then I’ll take their eyeballs and put them into my pockets and go to the movie, then they will see the goddamn movie!
ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)
Rejected by all, unable to find a single kindred soul…
INT. BAR - NIGHT
BOB is talking to a GIRL.
GIRL
It’s just like in the movie, y’know, the scene on the edge of the planet?
BOB is confused.
GIRL (CONT’D)
You know, where New York is upside down. Because of the moons and the nuclear war?
Bob shrugs.
GIRL (CONT’D)
You’re an idiot.
ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)
… even family members…
EXT. BACKYARD BARBECUE
David is there with his MOM, DAD, SISTER, and her HUSBAND and KID. The KID (10) wears a shirt that says “New York, York New,” weird heavy ski-type boots, and swings a sword.
KID
Look at me! I’m on the ceiling!
Everyone laughs. David laughs. Everyone stops laughing and shoots angry looks at David.
DAD
What the hell are you laughing at? You haven’t seen it.
DAVID’S MOM
See the movie, son.
DAVID’S SISTER
See it.
DAVID’S BROTHER-IN-LAW
See the damn thing!
David fights back tears and backs away…
ANNOUNCER ONE (V.O.)
Two renegades are forced to walk the earth…
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREST - DAY
BOB AND DAVID, hungry and cold, walk through the rain, nibbling on pieces of bread.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
… and live by their wits on the outskirts of civilization.
CUT TO:
EXT. FOREST
Bob and David looking haggard, sitting by a campfire.
DAVID
Got any more of that gum?
BOB
I’m fryin’ up the last piece.
A stick of gum is hanging off a spit over the campfire.
EXT. STICK LEAN-TO - NIGHT
We are high in the Georgian Mountains (Russia). Bob and David walk over a ridge.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Until finally, they find one woman with the sass to set them straight.
They stop walking, both love struck by what they see.
ANGLE ON: Lean-to, there is a small fire, and chickens running about.
Out of the front comes CARLOTTA, in raggedy clothes. She chases the chickens.
CARLOTTA
You get over here, you ragamuffins, tell Carlotta your troubles.
Bob and David run toward her, slo-mo.
MUSIC: Romantic
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
It’s a story of love and redemption, featuring a song that you just can’t get out of your head.
EXT. LEAN-TO
Bob and David dance raucously with Carlotta to what sounds like Motown.
FAKE MOTOWN SONG
… Get it… get it… gonna get it, girl, and give it right back to you…
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
… and ending with a surprise that you have to see to believe… check it out—
CUT TO:
EXT. SAME, OUTSIDE THE LEAN-TO
Bob, David, and Carlotta collect sticks to make something.
EXT. SAME, OUTSIDE THE LEAN-TO
They have built a rocket ship out
of sticks. Bob, David, and Carlotta are preparing to fly away.
BOB
Off we go.
DAVID
To a better world. Where we won’t have to see that movie.
BOB
Or any movie.
CARLOTTA
Don’t you say that! Don’t you ever say that!
BOB
I’m sorry.
David lights a long fuse on the spaceship, then the three of them jump in, and Bob closes the door.
SFX: Rocket sounds.
EXT. EARTH
Footage of Earth from above.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Follow them as they travel through the stars to find a planet of their own.
INT. ROCKET SHIP
Bob and David working various controls. Setting dials. Carlotta happily eating cookies.
The rocket ship lands, shaking about wildly, but then, calm.
EXT. ROCKET SHIP
Smoke billows about. The door opens. Bob steps out, weary from the trip. David follows. Then Carlotta. They grin to see the sun, breathe deeply.
POV ANGLE: Smoke fills their eyes, but as it clears they see they are on Earth. On Hollywood Blvd., to be precise. Directly in front of the line of moviegoers who originally wanted their heads.
ANGLE ON: Bob, David, Carlotta, shocked.
BOB
Oh, shit.
ANGLE ON: Harry and Drew, and other NERDS.
HARRY