by David Cross
It’s them! Get ’em!
The nerds descend on our guys, swarming with ill-intentions.
Camera CRANES UP over this mob scene.
MUSIC: Triumphant
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Blockbuster Movie… coming this fall!
When the music ends, we hear a director shout…
DIRECTOR
Cut! Print! That was great! We got it!
The CRANE SHOT LOOSENS, and we can see the mob of looky-loos who stopped to see the filming of this final shot. Amongst them are Bob and David, exactly where they were at the beginning of the film.
They turn and head off, and we hear their dialogue over their backs as they disappear…
BOB
Wow, David, huh?
DAVID
Yeah, Bob, movie magic!
BOB
(looking around)
Where?!
DAVID
Right there, what we just saw.
BOB
Oh. Yeah.
THE END
Some Reminiscences, Just for You!
Here are some notes on the pieces in Bob and David Make a Movie, straight from the recollections of the fading memories of Bob and David and Brian:
HOLLYWOOD TOWN HALL (here)
FYI: We know there are aspiring filmmakers who will be reading this, but we have to make it clear that there is no place to go to APPLY for a movie. Trust us, we looked everywhere. If it were only this easy. Instead of a nasty, bureaucratic, DMV-type building where you wait in line to justify your creative vision to a sassy black woman (remember the Pine-Sol spokeslady?), in Hollywood it is absolutely necessary to be courteous and spend YEARS feigning interest and respect for a cabal of slippery, contemptible, arguably evil douchebags and douchebag-ettes. Now you know… go buy that bus ticket and get out here!
KOREAN MOVIE RIPOFFS (here)
In New York you can buy bootlegs of any movie right on the street. Sometimes they’re okay, sometimes they’re shitty versions filmed by people in a movie theatre. David notes, “When I was in China, for a dollar you could get DVDs of major Hollywood movies that were just out or just about to come out… because that’s where they make the actual DVDs. Literally, only a dollar for the latest American films.” To which Bob asks, “When were you in China? They didn’t make a chipmunk movie there, did they?” To which David replies: “Yes they did, it’s called Chip-Fucked and I’m in it and I have a thirteen-inch cock and a nine-inch pussy, so F.U.!” Which makes Bob sneeze into his silk handkerchief. It also makes Brian throw up on his erection.
HOLLYWOOD DOCTOR (here)
This character is based on all of our agents. Agents are fast talkers, big planners, and often have extremely short attention spans. They impatiently pretend to listen to you as you spout your meaningless (to them) career goals, then the second you stop to inhale, they push you to do whatever it is that’s just come across their desk. “Yeah, yeah, I hear you, you’ve got a script about your teen traumas that you’ve nurtured for a while, we’ll get to that in a minute… Right now I want to hear you tell me how much you want to write a film version of the book Everyone Poops. We just got the rights! Kids love it, it doesn’t have to have talking poo in it, but… maybe the butthole is talking, I’m not the writer, this is your job, but I would say if the butthole talks then you got Jake Gyllenhaal, who I happen to rep, and he’s wanted to portray an animated sphincter for a while now! Let me get Jake on the phone—Tanya, get JG.”
Brian shares this story… “One of the only times I had a phone call when I was signed with a big agent for three weeks he asked, ‘What do you want to do?’ I said, ‘I’d be open to a meeting at SNL, I wouldn’t be happy there, but…’ He interrupted me, shouting across the room, ‘Tanya! Get Lorne Michaels on the phone!’ Nothing came of it. I was not surprised.”
DOUBLE DATE (LETHA BOMBZ) (here)
There’s the solid couple and there’s the guy who’s always got a new girlfriend and you have to keep meeting them and acting happy when you can smell another breakup around the corner. But, really, David also never dated anybody that bimbo-ish. David replies, “Well you don’t really date bimbos. It’s not necessary.” But this isn’t a fully realized sketch. It’s more of a link to the “Strippertown” sketch, which is a fully realized sketch.
STRIPPERTOWN (here)
“Strippertown” was Brian Posehn’s idea. Brian likes to brag, “Strippers sometimes act like they’re your girlfriend, and the idea for the sketch came from an idiot buying into that. At the time we were writing this I went to strip clubs pretty frequently, both in the Valley and when I was on the road. My shitty logic was: it’s not cheating if I PAY for a girl to rub my dick. Real girls hitting on me at the time freaked me out. But strippers weren’t the same because you know they don’t really like you and a lot of them are robots.” He goes on to share this terribly sad story of broken humans interacting: “There was one stripper in Atlanta that was extra nice and fake-girlfriendy. When I revisited the strip club several months later a different stripper came up to me and told me, ‘You broke Fake Name’s heart’ because I’d told this previous stripper I was going to come back and I didn’t… for a while. This scene is just taking that idea, in the Mr. Show way, to its ridiculous extreme.”
HOLLYWOOD TELEPHONE (here)
It’s true that when you go out to eat in Hollywood you are surrounded by people pitching movies loudly, talking about projects they’re shooting, wanting to shoot, and just finished shooting, also loudly. You can’t really help overhearing the ideas, and this can be very entertaining and pathetic. One time David and Bob were in a restaurant and two producers were loudly discussing a road movie that was going to be so fun and so cheap to make and one of them burst out, “I can get Puck!” Puck, being the one-time bad-boy reality show celebrity from MTV’s The Real World: San Francisco. Not an actor, but we still hope that movie got made.
RAGING RACERS (here)
This is a fever dream based on the film Moulin Rouge and how “gay-tastic” it was—with the maudlin, overly dramatic singing and all the flouncing around. Here we are using “gay” in the immature fourteen-year-old homophobe sense of the word. But then, really, the sketch is about a bunch of young guys being afraid to call the movie “gay” because they are trying to be politically correct. But, in the course of doing so, they are not being honest.
This is the kind of scene that leans on performance and would become three times as funny in execution—with all the room for overcooked performances, silly riffs, and a lot of fun to be found in editing. David imagineers a shot: “Camera goes in to somebody’s eyeball and out their asshole and then the lens has slight brown tinge in all its corners for the rest of the sequence.” Nice, David. Thank you for that.
ROBOT STREET PERFORMER (here)
Brian Posehn would play the street performer. He is the last person who should try to be a street performer. “I was a curmudgeon at twenty-two,” he proudly states. Not being a people person, he is also able to sound incredibly sarcastic while merely being straightforward. Also, for inspiration, we all hate street performers.
NOODLEFEST (here)
This marries our hatred of jam bands with our detestation of sleazy Hollywood producers. People in Hollywood are often trying to save money by simply insisting that “no one will notice” the lack of quality/effort/production. In a weird way, the audiences of jam bands really would be willing to put up with a never-ending song and would feel obliged to be proud of it as well… once you get past the normal pop length of three minutes, who’s to say how long a good song should be?
MULTIPLEX NERDS (here)
These nerds are our friends, we know these people, we are (Brian is) these people. Respect!
MAYOR OF HOLLYWOOD (here)
We were dreaming of Dan Aykroyd for this. Once again, it addresses how hard it is to get a movie made and the scrambling effort to make a project work by giving it a hook!
ONE-EYED ALIENS (here)
Well, this one
is a doozy of a gem and a real sweetheart to boot! A Mr. Show -ish scene, with a point of view about Americans and their relationship to sex. Certainly Americans of the ’50s and ’60s. David: “Please take note we play it smart and restrained through most of the sketch and then, only at the end, do we blow our load.”
BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE (here)
This is about the social pressure to go see the latest huge-ass Hollywood mega-mess. Sometimes you find yourself thinking, “I really should see Avatar, or I won’t be able to talk to anyone ever again, I won’t understand what anyone’s talking about, and I’ll never win another trivia contest in my life.” None of us saw and we still haven’t seen Titanic, so you can understand how lonely (and supercool) we are.
HOORAY FOR AMERICA!
by Bob Odenkirk and David Cross
First Draft on March 17th, 1998
OPEN ON: THIS PARAGRAPH ON-SCREEN:
“The following is a work of fiction. Current U.S. election laws make it impossible for any single corporation to ‘buy’ the Presidency.”
DIP TO BLACK, THEN UP ON:
“However, we’re working on it.”
BURN IN GLOBO-CHEM LOGO; A SPINNING GLOBE
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
A message from your friends at Globo-Chem and the Globo-Chem family of companies. Makers of everything from…
For each item he names, we see a picture of the product which is listed in the accompanying parenthetical—
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Farm Supplies…
(guy on tractor)
To the bread you eat…
(suburban kitchen, kid eating sandwich, Mom smiling)
Surgical lasers…
(patient having a sex change with a laser)
Popcorn substitutes…
(couple in theatre eating something weird)
Sewage treatment…
(large sewage treatment plant)
Sewage…
(sewage)
Rabbits…
(rabbits)
Relationship helpers…
(man modeling bondage gear for his mate)
Cancer research…
(scientists working on “poison foam”—this will matter later in the story)
From rock-n-roll posters…
(poster of a rock band)
To leisure wear…
(a sweatshop in China)
Globo-Chem fills your world with things.
An animated PIT PAT pops up in the lower corner and waves
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Wherever you see Pit Pat you know you are part of a wonderful worldwide corporation.
PIT PAT
Take it from me—I LOVE you!
And a final sting that is suddenly somewhat ominous.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Globo-Chem—“A better world for better people.”
DIP TO BLACK AND UP ON:
INT. BACKSTAGE
We are in a small, ramshackle backstage area. Mirrors with lots of burned-out bulbs around them.
MUSIC: In the background is preshow circusy music
Bob and David are warming up for a show. Bob is dressed in a flashy, furry, red, white, and blue, ’70s pimp outfit. David is wearing a foam map of America. His hat is Alaska and his feet are Hawaii. Bob does a vocal warm-up…
BOB
I never knew that naughty Nettie nicked her knickers from Nelson Eddy. I never knew that naughty Nettie…
David peeks through a hole in the wall at the audience.
DAVID
It’s fillin’ up.
They high-five.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Hey, we’re doing great, man.
BOB
Hey, David, we’re going all the way, right?
DAVID
To Mars?
BOB
No, come on.
DAVID
Oh, yeah, to the top.
BOB
Right. Which part of the top?
DAVID
The tip.
BOB
The tip-top of the…
David is confused, feeling pressure…
BOB (CONT’D)
… of the mip-mop! Come on!
DAVID
(immediately)
Mip-mop! The tip-top of the mip-mop! God, I wish there was a way I could remember that…
BOB
It’s simple, just remember TTOTMM—“The Tired Otter Taunts Marilyn Monster”… simple.
DAVID
Right, thanks.
Bob pulls out his phone.
BOB
Cool. I’m just so excited, I’ve got to call them again.
(into phone)
Oh, hey, Mom, it’s Bob.
MOM (V.O.)
Bobby, is that you?
BOB
Listen…
Bob holds the receiver up to the hole in the wall, picking up the sound of the mingling audience in the theatre.
BOB (CONT’D)
Hear that? That’s a crowd. They came to see me, in a real show.
MOM (V.O.)
Well, I don’t know. Here’s your father.
Briefly, Bob listens to his Mom and Dad having an argument in their living room somewhere. Bob shrugs to David, who is shaving his legs with a straight razor. Finally, Bob’s Dad gets on the line: his always-angry voice bursting through—
DAD (V.O.)
What?
BOB
Dad! Hey, I’m in show business. I’ve made it!
DAD (V.O.)
You ain’t in no show.
BOB
Yes I am, Dad. It’s called Hooray for America! and I’m wearing my costume and I sing and dance and I’m a star.
DAD (V.O.)
You ain’t no star of nothing. You ain’t wearin’ no costume and you ain’t singin’ and you ain’t dancin’ at nobody.
BOB
I’m sorry I ever called you!
DAD (V.O.)
You ain’t sorry, and you never called no one.
BOB
Good-bye. I love…
His Dad hangs up.
BOB (CONT’D)
… you.
Bob hangs up.
DAVID
Hey, toss me that warm-up cream!
Bob tosses David a tube of “James Lipton’s Warm-Up Cream.” Bob notices someone at the exit door and solemnly nods to David.
BOB
David—
David turns. In the doorway is the sweetest little KOREAN BOY in a wheelchair. (His feet are particularly fat.) He squeezes the bulb of a squeaky horn mounted on the wheelchair.
(NOTE: CHOW’S voice is obviously, and poorly, overdubbed by David.)
CHOW
Uncle! Uncle!
DAVID
Hey, Chow-Chow! How’s my favorite nephew?
Chow laughs and holds his hands out.
CHOW
Slap me ten!
David slaps him ten.
CHOW (CONT’D)
(suddenly sad)
Uncle, I’m sad.
DAVID
Why’s that?
CHOW
The doctor says I need special shoes for my fat feet. So I can be like a normal kid and run and play.
David squats down next to the kid. Bob watches with pity.
MUSIC: Sad melody
DAVID
Hey, no tears. Listen kiddo, I’ll tell you what. I’m gonna go out there, and I’m gonna be a big star. A superstar!
CHOW
Yeah?
DAVID
Let me finish. And I’m gonna be rich, and have a big house with fountains and imported cheeses. I’m gonna spend money like M.C. Hammer on crack.
CHOW
Will you buy me the special shoes?
DAVID
Listen! Zip it! One more interruption and… well, you’ve been warned. I’m gonna have horses, and a car for every horse, with a fountain in it.
Bob, wiping tears, grabs David’s shoulder.
BOB
/> David… it’s showtime.
DAVID
(to the kid)
I’m gonna party so hard and so much, I’m gonna be your worst nightmare!
The TEENAGE STAGEHAND leans in.
TEENAGE STAGEHAND
Hey guys, guess what! There’s word on the street that a Hollywood Talent Guy is in the audience tonight. Supposedly they’re looking for a big part. At least, that’s what Mr. Catalanano heard.
Bob and David look at each other with wide eyes.
BOB
This is great! I hope you get it!
DAVID
I hope I get it, too, Bob!
DIP TO BLACK
AND WE HEAR A FAMILIAR VOICE…
PIT PAT (V.O.)
Take it from me, I love you!
EXT. FANCY HI-RISE OFFICE BUILDING
SUPER, LOWER THIRD: “GLOBO-CHEM HEADQUARTERS” and then “THREE WEEKS EARLIER”
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Wherever you see Pit Pat, you know you’re getting Globo-Chem quality, and that you are part of a wonderful, worldwide corporation.