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Hollywood Said No!

Page 12

by David Cross


  DAVID

  Ahhh, ahhh, mmmm, oooh. Hmmm.

  (noticing crowd)

  Hello.

  David and Bob share a look. David glances around at all the cameras and the crowd.

  DAVID (CONT’D)

  Hey, it worked!

  A rescue WORKER pipes up.

  WORKER

  What the hell?

  THE REPORTER gets serious with Bob.

  LISA

  Mr. Olenklep, did you know that that wasn’t a baby in that hole?

  Bob doesn’t know what to say… he got his moment, but he doesn’t quite know what to do with it, so… he runs away. People are confused and angry. They turn to David, who can’t move because he’s rigged to the rescue crane.

  LISA (CONT’D)

  It looks like we’ve all been victims of a very cruel prank.

  Workers and onlookers gather around David, menacingly. Lisa pokes her microphone into David’s face.

  LISA (CONT’D)

  You! What’s your name?

  DAVID

  Uh… David Cross. Hello.

  LISA

  What were you doing in that hole? Pranking everyone?

  DAVID

  No… uh, no. Not at all. This is the first I’m hearing about all of this, myself. I mean, I was in the hole, so… I was out of the loop. No information could get to me. Frankly, I am as upset as anyone.

  No one is quite sure how to take this, but suddenly we hear someone applauding and the camera swings over to find Chance, running up as he buckles his pants. He runs right up next to David.

  CHANCE

  Well said, let’s hear it for him, folks! This kid braved the odds. He’s an American hero!

  The mob is unsure of this pitch, but there is some applause.

  LISA

  Who are you, sir?

  CHANCE

  I’m just a person—just a person who can spot a hero when he rises up out of the dirt to bring us all together and remind us of who we are—the best country God ever wished into being. Let’s hear it for the hero!

  General applause grows to rousing applause.

  DAVID

  (meekly)

  That’s me.

  Amidst the hubbub, Chance is smiling and laughing. David begins to smile and laugh, too… and Chance turns to David and says:

  CHANCE

  Young man, you the coffee bean atop my tomato pancake!

  The rousing applause of the crowd for David carries over as we…

  DISSOLVE TO:

  EXT. BAR - THE NEXT DAY

  Rousing applause from inside—

  INT. BAR

  All the actors we met a day ago are cheering, David is in the middle of the group—

  A banner reads, “Congratulations and Good Luck, David.” TRILL toasts him.

  TRILL

  (overly excited)

  To David, the man who got the part!

  Assembled actors all raise their glasses and cheer through gritted teeth, barely concealing their jealousy. David doesn’t notice.

  TRILL (CONT’D)

  … that he didn’t even have to audition for!

  (weak laughter)

  Joseph Catalanano steps up—

  JOSEPH

  May I say a few words, David?

  DAVID

  Mr. Catalanano, I’d be honored.

  Joseph puts reading glasses on, although he doesn’t read anything.

  JOSEPH

  David, as Joseph Catalanano once said, no one is happier for an actor who gets a role than his fellow actors.

  Murmurs of agreement. Joseph removes his reading glasses.

  DAVID

  Thanks.

  TRILL

  David, seriously, when I first saw you, I thought, this kid, this one, he needs work. Really. And you must’ve gone and did it, ’cause dammit, kid…

  (losing the thread)

  … make us proud!

  Weaker cheers. Trill gives David a slightly painful, angry kiss.

  DAVID

  Wow!

  A PATRIOTIC SHOWGIRL steps up.

  PATRIOTIC SHOWGIRL

  We got you this.

  She hands him a book wrapped in drama mask paper. He opens it and reads the title…

  DAVID

  Five minutes, Mr. Catalanano: The Joseph Catalanano Story.

  PATRIOTIC SHOWGIRL

  Joseph picked it out.

  JOSEPH

  It’s the only copy there is.

  DAVID

  (sincerely)

  Well, that’s great… I’ll try not to throw it out.

  JOSEPH

  It can’t but help.

  TRILL

  If they need an understudy, you know where I am!

  (very emotional)

  Let’s cheer again, for David, the man who got the part!

  (a beat, he cries)

  God!

  People comfort Trill. Chance leans in from outside.

  CHANCE

  Come on, boy!

  People follow David out the door, patting him on the back the whole way. Bob is lost in the crowd and shouts out—

  BOB

  David! Don’t forget about the coattails!

  DAVID

  (yelling back)

  Oh, no thanks, I’m stuffed!

  EXT. BAR

  David and Chance get into a long black limousine. The limo has a “Just Nominated” sign on the back and trails cans and ribbons. Everyone waves good-bye. Overton pats Bob on the back.

  MUSIC: Upbeat, MOVING ON music takes us into—

  INT. PRESS CONFERENCE

  CHANCE and a COTERIE of HANDLERS are assembled around a podium in this typical press conference setup.

  CHANCE

  Reporters, press people, thank you for coming. Let’s face it, democracy in America has become a joke! It’s been reduced to the choice between two barely distinguishable corporate lackeys. Well, no more! Tonight we announce the formation of a truly viable third political party: TCBP—THE COUNTRY’S BEST PARTY!

  A PIT PAT MASCOT dances out, holding a banner with TCBP on it.

  CHANCE (CONT’D)

  Now I’d like to introduce our candidate, an unknown, untainted by Washington and its mendicants; Mr. Li’l Davey Cross!

  David, grinning, steps up to the microphone as flashbulbs go off. He’s ecstatic.

  DAVID

  Hi! First of all, I’m psyched. Secondly, it’s time to take this country back from the fat cats on Capitol Hill.

  ANGLE: We see David is reading from a teleprompter.

  DAVID (CONT’D)

  Now, I am not from Washington and, if elected, I will not go there. Thank you. This is gonna be fun. Questions?

  REPORTER ONE

  David, you’ve never held office, what qualifies you for the presidency?

  DAVID

  I am not a politician!

  CUT TO:

  TV INFOMERCIAL OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE

  SFX: Loud, synth infomercial music up.

  Over the Title Graphic “Amazing People,” video clips of David in various situations fly across the screen: kissing a baby, pinning a medal on an old soldier, saluting a flag and crying, on a parasail, smiling to camera, and lastly, using a mop.

  ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

  Tonight, on Amazing People, we’ll meet a candidate for president of the United States who will save you time and money, and make your life a lot easier. Now here are your hosts, Nancy Gumphrey and Ernie!

  TV INFOMERCIAL SET

  A typical cheesy infomercial set. The hosts, NANCY and ERNIE, a fey Englishman, bound out from backstage to wild applause of a hyperactive, paid AUDIENCE.

  NANCY

  Hi. How are you, Ernie?

  ERNIE

  I’m pip of the pop, Miss Nancy!

  NANCY

  Well, I can’t wait to hear about this new person you’ve got for us!

  ERNIE

  Yes. Nancy, what if I told you that I met a candidate for president who wasn’t a Was
hington insider fat cat?

  NANCY

  That sounds great.

  ERNIE

  And what if I told you that he’ll lower taxes, make this great country great again, and won’t put up with any Washington shenanigans?

  NANCY

  Wow! Well, that sounds great, doesn’t it, folks?

  CUTAWAY TO AUDIENCE CLAPPING

  CUTAWAY TO GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM, Chance, Jane, Ron, and other Execs are gathered around, watching this tape…

  ON VIDEO:

  ERNIE

  But that’s not all, step over here.

  Ernie drags Nancy over to a table piled high with rancid sponges and mops.

  ERNIE (CONT’D)

  Look at this awful mess.

  NANCY

  Ewww!

  ERNIE

  These are months-old mildewed sponges, mops, cleaning rags—but guess what Nancy, what if I told you you could throw them all away?!

  In a grand gesture, Ernie sweeps them all off the table into a garbage can. TV Audience goes nuts.

  NANCY

  Wow! I can’t wait to meet this guy.

  ERNIE

  Well, here he comes, folks. David!

  David enters to great applause.

  ERNIE (CONT’D)

  Now when we return we’ll watch David take on a real fat cat politician.

  ANGLE ON: FAT CAT POLITICIAN. A cartoonish guy standing behind a podium.

  AUDIENCE

  Woooooo!

  NANCY

  Stay with us!

  CUT TO:

  INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

  HARTNUT

  You think people will go for it?

  CHANCE

  People are ready for this. Everybody knows they gettin’ the show, why not cut loose, let ’em really see one. Call a crawfish a crawfish and I think we’ll make a sale.

  A BEAT.

  HARTNUT

  Do you think it’ll work?

  CHANCE

  It might-could.

  HARTNUT

  Hmmm. Do you like that sundae, future president?

  Reveal David sitting at the end of the table eating a giant chocolate sundae, his face messy with hot fudge.

  DAVID

  (speaking through a mouthful of ice cream)

  Very much so, thank you, sir.

  Smiles all around.

  MUSIC PLAYS UNDER THESE SCENES FROM THE CAMPAIGN

  CUT TO:

  EXT. STREET - DAY

  PEOPLE on the street, standing near a poster for David. Talking to camera.

  WOMAN

  I think it’s all just a big sales job. It’s sick, but, I guess they’re all that way.

  CUT TO:

  MAN 1

  He hasn’t got a snowball’s chance. Third parties never win. Underdogs, though, I can relate to. Give him a chance.

  CUT TO:

  MAN 2

  I like him. He’s like me. He’s just a guy. I don’t know. He makes me laugh.

  INT. RADIO TALK SHOW

  Bob as a crazy radio talk show host. A large poster hangs behind him reading: “Tom Rite, WTLK.”

  TOM

  (irate)

  Who’s buying this?! Who’s buying this “David” guy? This guy is a product, he’s manufactured. Democracy reduced to merchandising, people. You know it, I know it. It’s been going on for years and this David comes along and now it’s out in the open and I say it’s about time! Go for it. You may be liberal, you may be conservative, but I’m Rite!

  All the phone lines light up.

  In one swift movement he signals the engineer; the show music plays, he drops his headphones, sips his coffee and looks at the paper, totally disinterested in what he just said.

  CUT TO:

  INT. SMALL MEETING HALL

  David at the podium. He is taking questions from REGULAR CITIZENS in the audience. A Pit Pat is nearby, waving.

  DAVID

  This is a hoot. You, sir!

  A COLLEGE PROFESSOR steps up to the audience mic.

  PROFESSOR

  Yes. I’m Tim Belger, a professor of history at Manute College here in town…

  DAVID

  Okay, I’ve got to say something. I can’t answer your question.

  PROFESSOR

  But I haven’t asked it yet.

  DAVID

  Yes, but I’m not that smart. I never went to college. I’m not an intellectual. I’m just a person, an American person. You should save your questions for a politician. But I’m not one.

  Cheers from the crowd.

  CROWD

  Yeah! You the man!

  The crowd taunts the retreating PROFESSOR.

  CROWD (CONT’D)

  You! You! You! You!

  CUTAWAY TO A SMILING CHANCE WATCHING FROM OFFSTAGE

  DAVID

  Give him a goodie bag.

  A Pit Pat tries to give the sulking Professor a goodie bag; he doesn’t take it. A GOOD-LOOKING WOMAN in a sequined sweater steps up to the mic.

  WOMAN

  Uh, yeah, I just think you’re adorable. And I saw you on Good Time Today with Mark and Maura, and the other guest was Clint Black. Was he nice?

  DAVID

  Thank you. Good question. He’s fantastic.

  Applause and cheers.

  DAVID (CONT’D)

  Give her a hat and a goodie bag.

  Pit Pat hands the Woman a hat and a goodie bag.

  CUT TO:

  EXT. CAMPAIGN BUS

  A red, white, and blue campaign bus with the logo “T.C.B.P.” on the side. It’s driving down a country road in the Midwest, and David is leaning out the window, waving wildly, to no one.

  CUT TO:

  EXT. STADIUM

  Using found footage of a football game. It’s halftime, and a show is taking place on the field.

  CLOSE-UP OF ACTION ON THE FIELD

  David pops out of a big cake, waves to the crowd and dances with HOT GIRLS and Pit Pats to a marching band.

  CUT TO:

  SITCOM SET

  In a living room of a typical, live action sitcom show, we see the DAD and MOM adoring their DAUGHTER in her prom dress.

  DAD

  You are prettier than a princess.

  MOM

  The last time your dad said that to me we were playing Pong.

  Canned laughs.

  SFX: Knock on door.

  DAUGHTER

  That’s my date, I’m so nervous.

  MOM

  Well, you were the one who thought a blind date on prom night would make “everything more exciting.”

  Another knock. Dad crosses to the door.

  DAD

  Here goes nothing.

  He opens the door. It’s David in a red, white, and blue tuxedo, with roses.

  Wild cheers from the studio audience. He thumbs up the audience, then carries on with the scene.

  CUT TO:

  INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM

  CHANCE, HARTNUT, and the Others are watching the news and the numbers say…

  Republican—40%

  Democrat—34%

  The Country’s Best Party—22%

  They are happy.

  ANGLE ON: David sleeping on the couch, holding a blanket… their golden child. Hartnut tousles his hair.

  CHANCE

  Okay, now tonight’s debate is it. I mean it. The whole campaign rides on this one.

  CHET

  Do you think he can pull it off?

  CHANCE

  Do crayfish shit in the bayou?

  Long pause.

  RON

  … Yes?

  INT. AUDITORIUM

  The candidates, David, Don, and Dan, are at their podiums. They are all getting final touch-ups for a televised debate. Chance talks to David.

  CHANCE

  Now you remember what we practiced, right?

  DAVID

  Yeah. Don’t wink and don’t make clicking noises. Don’t sweat, and don’t sniff your fingers.

>   CHANCE

  Great. Now remember, you’re an outsider, you’re new to this, you don’t know everything, but you do know one thing.

  DAVID

  Uh-huh, what is that?

  CHANCE

  I’ll tell you later.

  A STAGE MANAGER steps out with the countdown, Chance moves off-camera.

  CUT TO:

  THE DEBATE

  The moderator is COBB WOODLAND, a typical network anchorman.

  COBB

  Hello Cobb Woodland here, about to begin the Great Debate. Republican Dan McGuffree, your opening statement?

  DAN MCGUFFREE, the Republican candidate, speaks first.

  DAN

  As an astronaut, I had the distinct pleasure of walking on the surface of the moon. This experience taught me the values of courage, prudency, and weightlessness. Qualities I plan to bring to being your next president. Thank you.

  SFX: Applause.

  COBB

  Demcoratic nominee, Don McGuthers?

  DON

  Well, Dan, let me say that I, too, was an astronaut, and I, too, have been on the moon. I have stood, and sat, and even shat, on the moon—(pointedly, to Dan)

  —and you, sir, are no moon man!

  SFX: Applause.

  COBB

  And the Country’s Best Party candidate, David.

  DAVID

  America. I’m just like all of you. So, won’t you vote for me, and elect yourself “el presidente”? Please say yes. Love, David.

 

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