by David Cross
Pauly Shore enters, wearing a bra, underwear, a long fur coat and throwing glitter around.
PAULY SHORE
Look at me! I’m living the high life! Life is good! Whooo!
Everybody claps, but stops when Pauly pulls out a GUN… similar vibe to that great scene in Boogie Nights.
PAULY SHORE (CONT’D)
Whoo! Play my song, bitch!
A KOREAN ASSISTANT presses play on a boombox and we hear The song “Sister Christian” which Pauly dances to, as he yammers.
PAULY SHORE (CONT’D)
This is it! I got the look, baby! Check out my coattails!
On this word, ANGLE ON DAVID and push in as Pauly keeps talking.
PAULY SHORE (CONT’D)
I got the longest coattails ever made!
(gunshot)
Everybody can ride my coattails!
(gunshot)
Whoooo… I’m the coattail king!
Multiple gunshots and everyone in the room scatters, except for David, who is frozen, his mind focused on…
DAVID
… the tip-top of the mip-mop…
A single tear rolls down David’s cheek.
EXT. THE FAMILIAR GLOBO-CHEM GUARD GATE
Outside the Globo-Chem office building, Bob pulls up in his rattletrap car.
GUARD
ID?
Bob hands him the ID and talks.
BOB
Bob Okendorf. I’m Pit Pat.
Bob gestures to the Pit Pat costume in his backseat.
BOB (CONT’D)
I mean, I’m an actor who will be portraying Pit Pat today for the kids in the day care. I’m very honored to see the home of Pit…
The GUARD interrupts him. Couldn’t care less.
GUARD
Yeah, go on… whatever.
Bob drives on. Parks.
INT. GLOBO-CHEM HALLWAY
Bob is walking around with the bulky costume slung over one shoulder, trying to follow directions from a piece of paper…
BOB
… okay, the day care… where is that? Oh, better get in my costume first.
Bob enters the EXECUTIVE MEN’S ROOM to change.
INT. MEN’S ROOM
VERY NICE men’s room. Bob is in one of the PRIVATE TOILET STALLS, changing.
BOB
“Take it from me—I love you!” “Take it from me… Take it from me, I love you!” Oh, what is it Mr. Catalanano reminded me about? “Acting is the action and speech all balled together in a big glob.” Something like that.
INT. GLOBO-CHEM HALLWAY
JANE, one of the Execs, is frantically searching for Mr. Hartnut, walking down the hallway…
JANE
Mr. Hartnut? They need you, sir… they need you in the research room!
She stops by the Executive Men’s Room, not sure if she should enter it… she finally pushes the door open a bit and calls in.
JANE (CONT’D)
Mr. Hartnut—they want you, sir! Hello? Anybody?
Suddenly, a Pit Pat appears (it’s Bob, but she thinks it’s Hartnut wandering around in one of his “thinking” interludes).
JANE (CONT’D)
Oh, excellent. You’re needed. Right away. Follow me.
INT. HALLWAY
Jane and Bob walk down another hallway.
JANE
We’ve got an update on the new planet for you. Very important. You need to hear this.
Bob stops for a moment by a door that says, “Day Care Center.” We can see kids in the room, waiting to meet Pit Pat.
JANE (CONT’D)
Not there. Sir, please, follow me!
Jane hustles Bob towards a black door at the end of the hallway with the words “Security Clearance Required” on it.
JANE (CONT’D)
Right, here, sir, let me get this for us…
Jane punches in a code, breathes into a tube, and spits onto a flat black square on the security label.
FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE
Identiscan complete. Please enter Jane Tasselbock.
Jane smiles at Pit Pat (Bob), as they walk through the security door into…
INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM
In the room we’ve seen before, the same group of young executives are gathered around the table, along with the scientist, Walsh. Throughout this scene we occasionally view it through Bob’s POV, inside the mask.
EXECUTIVES
Hello, sir. Hello Mr. Hartnut.
Bob stands there, unsure of what to do, does a little Pit Pat wave. The Execs aren’t sure how to respond to this… they carry on.
TODD
Sir, everything is on schedule.
JANE
The planet should be ready to move into shortly.
Slide of a beautiful green-and-blue planet.
RON
The dome is almost in place and the golf courses will be ready for play on Friday.
Slide of ELDERLY COUPLE in leisure wear, smiling and playing golf.
TODD
And sir, we’ve practically sold every plot on the planet.
RON
All your friends, sir, they’ve all bought houses.
TODD
The richest people on Earth.
JANE
The cream of the elite.
CHET
The rich and creamy people.
TODD
But… um…
They all look to Walsh.
WALSH
Uhhh… There is one small matter. It seems that in building the planet, certain biological instabilities have led to the metamorphing of insects, well, one insect… uh…
(spilling the beans)
There’s a giant ant on the planet.
CHET
But it’s still just an ant.
JANE
It won’t eat much.
WALSH
Well…
CHET
More important is the matter of the planet’s core and energy source.
Slide of a drawing of a planet’s inner workings. Its infrastructure is comprised of beams, wires, and pipes, with a nuclear symbol in the core.
WALSH
Yes, the mass of plutonium needs carbon-based organic matter before it can set off its perpetual reaction.
JANE
A body.
WALSH
Preferably a human being.
TODD
Just one.
RON
We wanted to suggest someone. It all ties together so neatly.
JANE
You’re going to love this.
CHET
We thought this—what if, after he appears at the opening ceremonies, we lower the President himself into the core?
Slide of smiling David.
JANE
He’ll die, of course, but who better?
CHET
We couldn’t have done it without him.
RON
The little rapscallion.
TODD
So, that’s it. Any questions, sir?
A panicked BOB just stands there. Then he waves.
TODD (CONT’D)
Sir?
BOB
Take it from me, I love you.
Bob starts backing away, waving, nervously feeling for the door handle behind him. He gets a hand on it and leaves.
EXECUTIVES
Bye, sir.
Bob is gone. The Executives breathe a sigh of relief. They look around at each other.
RON
Whew. Good job.
CHET
Yeah. Who made these graphics?
TODD
I did. On my own PC.
CHET
Get outta here.
JANE
You mean you made moving 3D images with four-color graphics and six-point optics on a portable PC?
Todd pulls out a disc.
TODD
Yeah, it’s all with Quantel 87 software.
CHET
Quantel, huh?
RON
That’s bad.
TODD
It’s superbad.
RON
Can I borrow that?
TODD
I’m sorry, my brother, but you’re gonna have to get your own.
Their attention is diverted by the door opening up. Pit Pat walks through.
JANE
Yes, sir?
TODD
Did you have any questions?
The real Hartnut removes his Pit Pat head, revealing his own sweaty, greasy, unhealthy pallor.
HARTNUT
I’m late, I was having a tinkle. So, let’s get going here, I want to hear everything.
RON
Uh… sir?
HARTNUT
Let’s go, give me the update.
RON
Heh. Nice one.
HARTNUT
What the fuck are you giggling about, you retard? I told you I was tinkling.
The EXECS are stunned.
HARTNUT (CONT’D)
Fine! I was dropping a deuce, you got me. Now what’s so goddamned urgent?
The Executives all look at each other, worried. They realize they told the secret plan to a Pit Pat.
JANE
Uh… we fucked up.
INT. GLOBO-CHEM HALLWAY-MOMENTS LATER
Hartnut, still in the costume, but with the head left behind, walks in a quick stride down the hallway, trailed by his young execs… he is barking out orders.
HARTNUT
Tell the crews to keep digging—we’re not slowing down, that planet WILL open for business ON TIME. Get me the biggest ant spray bottle we have—get me twenty of ’em. Warm up my escape pod—always keep my escape pod warm. Tell the President that he is being invited on a secret trip to the moon—we’ll use him to ignite the plutonium core. Got it?
JANE
Yes, sir, right away!
HARTNUT
And one more thing.
He stops in his tracks.
HARTNUT (CONT’D)
Kill all the Pit Pats.
SFX: DRAMATIC MUSIC: STING
MUSIC UNDER FOLLOWING MONTAGE: A CHORAL PIECE SUNG IN LATIN PLAYS THROUGHOUT.
This montage is an homage to the murder sequence from The Godfather.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - EVENING
Bob in the Pit Pat suit is driving his shitty car, fast, we know not where. He removes the Pit Pat head and mutters—
BOB
Got to warn David.
CUT TO:
EXT. ARIZONA SHOPPING MALL
A PIT PAT is waving to kids and saying, “I Love You.” A black car pulls up, TWO GUYS get out and spray him with bullets from a machine gun.
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
David is being chased by someone down a never-ending hallway… this is a dream. We cannot see the chasing person’s face, only hear his laughter. David falls, the CHASER descends on him with a screwdriver. We finally see his CHASER’S face—it’s DINO!
INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
David wakes up, crying his patented baby cry. He looks over to see the PORN STAR sharing his bed. She looks at him funny, like you would look at an adult man who cried like a baby. He sheepishly gets out of bed. He is wearing a long nightgown.
CUT TO:
INT. “JONNY SPAGHETTI’S” ITALIAN RESTAURANT - CONNECTICUT
A PIT PAT is sitting at this family restaurant eating a big plate of spaghetti with the CHIEF OF POLICE across from him. The WAITER, a sinister-looking TEENAGER with a big fake cardboard moustache, approaches the table. The waiter pulls a sawed-off shotgun out of nowhere and shoots the Pit Pat and then the Police Chief, who slumps into his plate of spaghetti.
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE HALLWAY
David wears a long nightgown and stocking cap. He smiles weakly at the menacing SECRET SERVICE AGENT who stands guard outside his bedroom door, and walks down the hall.
CUT TO:
EXT. ENTRANCEWAY - OFFICE BUILDING - IDAHO
A PIT PAT is about to enter a revolving door, as two GOONS are watching. He pushes the door halfway and the GOONS shove a crowbar under the door, wedging it. He is confused. They shoot the Pit Pat, spraying blood all over the window.
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN
Still sweating from his nightmare, David pours himself a glass of water. He is trying to formulate a plan, glancing around, paranoid. We can hear party noises in another room.
CHARLIE SHEEN enters, laughing, with a PORN STAR (Tisha St. Rue) on one arm.
CHARLIE
Oh, hey man.
DAVID
(scared)
Huh?
CHARLIE
It’s me, Charlie. Are you all right?
DAVID
Yeah, I’m fine. Bad dream.
CHARLIE
Oh. Hey, whose house is this?
DAVID
It’s mine. What are you doing here?
CHARLIE
Partying… right?
DAVID
Yeah, no, I mean yeah. Ha ha. It’s a party, have fun.
CHARLIE
Cool, come on, Debbie.
Charlie and the Porn Star turn to exit.
DAVID
Wait, you just called her Debbie. Her name is Tisha St. Rue.
DEBBIE
(laughs)
That’s my stage name. My real name’s Debbie.
DAVID
What?! No… NOOOOOOOOOO!
Charlie and the Porn Star exit, laughing. David is devastated by this news, even more scared than before, trying to think.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Overton was right!!! I’ve got to warn Bob!
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE
David is frantic. He starts testing doors to find an exit. The first one opens to a ransacked billiard room with a ROCK BAND crashed out in it. A silent SECRET SERVICE AGENT is watching the group, he looks sternly at David. David grins at him, shuts the door, opens another, nothing. Then a third door, and finds…
INT. WINE PANTRY
David is very frightened now.
DAVID
Shit! Supplies, I’ll need supplies.
He grabs a bottle of wine and puts it in his shirt. Grabs another, same thing, and another, but this time when he pulls the bottle the whole rack pulls open, it’s a false door opening into…
INT. LAB
Like the lab in JAMES BOND films, but there is only one thing in it, a strange-looking car.
CUT TO:
INT. MASSAGE ROOM
A PIT PAT is getting massaged (with costume on). There is a ruckus by the door when A GOON enters. The Pit Pat reaches for some giant oversized glasses (that would fit over the costume) and puts them on. He is shot through the lens (a la Moe Greene in The Godfather).
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Bob is still driving. He looks in his rearview mirror and notices a black van following him.
BOB
They’re following me… shoot!
Got to try to throw them off…
Bob notices a DINER on the roadside. He turns in to the parking lot, squealing his tires as he does so.
CUT TO:
INT. DINER - NIGHT
A PIT PAT (with Bob’s distinct Pit Pat head) is at the counter. He has a plate of half-eaten eggs and a cup of coffee in front of him. TWO GOONS enter and gun him down from behind. Blood sprays everywhere. The GOONS exit. The costume keels over, the head rolls off—there’s NO ONE INSIDE. Busted ketchup bottles fall to the floor. Bob, now wearing only underwear, has been watching from his car and freaks out: he’d propped the Pit Pat suit at the counter as a decoy, but he never suspected it would be “murdered”! He peels into reverse and out the parking lot.
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
Bob is auxiously driving, wearing only underwear. He pulls into THE NEW White House valet lot and gets out.
BOB
; Finally!
Other PARTYING CELEBS are picking up their cars. They, too, are in their underwear—so Bob doesn’t stick out that much. He tosses his keys to the valet and enters.
MUSIC: End of montage music
CUT TO:
INT. WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT
David is frantically writing a note. He finishes, takes a sip of water from his glass, then notices “H2O” on the gas cap of the car. He opens the cap, pours his glass of water in, and the car magically, immediately starts up.
DAVID
Weird.
He gets behind the wheel.
David sits in the car, presses a button, and a hidden garage door opens, revealing BOB in his underwear in a dramatic pose.
DAVID (CONT’D)
Hey! You look like Bob!
BOB
David!
DAVID
Yeah. I look like David!
INT. SAME - MOMENTS LATER
Bob and David stand beside the car, which is still running.
BOB
What’s going on? Is this your car?
DAVID
It is now. It’s water powered. I was trying to kill myself.
BOB
Kill yourself? With steam?
David nods and hands Bob the letter he had in his pocket.
BOB (CONT’D)
(reading)
“To anyone who cares, I’m sorry everyone hates me. I was only trying to be good. I guess I tried too hard.”
DISSOLVE TO:
CLOSE-UP OF LETTER