by David Cross
It is written in a young girl’s hand, with drawings of big eyes crying, and sad childish illustrations.
BOB
“Sometimes people are really insensitive, they look at me and see an ugly caterpillar that scares them because I am ‘gross.’ But they don’t stop to see the fragile unicorn made of glass that lies underneath.” David, this is deeply embarrassing.
DAVID
I know. Bob, I’ve got to tell you something that’s gonna blow your mind!
BOB
I know, man, I know already. I found out by accident. I had no idea of the extent of it. Look, you shouldn’t blame yourself.
DAVID
I don’t. I was suckered in, like everyone.
BOB
Yeah, we all were. What are we gonna do about it?
DAVID
What can we do? Boycott the porn industry?
BOB
Well, I guess that’s a start, but…
DAVID
But then we’re just punishing ourselves! Dammit! Tisha Lynn, Mercedes St. Whatever, why?
BOB
Wait, I think that we stumbled across two different horrible conspiracies. Look, let’s both say them at the same time, just to be fair.
DAVID
Right.
Bob and David look each other in the eyes, take a breath, and simultaneously launch into their explanations…
BOB
The earth is being stolen from under our feet to build a private planet for rich people.
DAVID
Porn stars have fake names.
A pause. They both gasp, and shudder.
BOB
Wait, did you hear what I just said?
David thinks, then…
DAVID
Earth’s being stolen… private planet… rich people… our feet…
(gasp)
That’s terrible! Hey, how come you’re not wearing any clothes?
BOB
(shrugs)
Ah, you know.
DAVID
Oh my God, it’s all my fault. What’s the plan now?
BOB
Listen, the core of that new planet is unstable plutonium. If we can just get down in there with an explosive we can blow that thing to smithereens.
DAVID
Done.
They shake hands emphatically—
BOB
Of course we’ll die.
David withdraws his hand.
DAVID
Hm.
BOB
But we’ll save the Earth.
DAVID
Yeah, but—
BOB
Don’t forget, you caused it to happen.
DAVID
I know, but still, not dying would be preferable.
BOB
But we wouldn’t really die. Not in a historical way! We’ll be heroes, and someday two guys who look a little like us would do monologues onstage as us. And people would cheer and we’d live forever.
DAVID
No, I get that. Our look-alikes wouldn’t be dead, but we would be. Probably forever.
BOB
Yes. I see your point.
They mull on this for a moment, then:
BOB (CONT’D)
Unless…
DAVID
Unless what?
BOB
I’ve got a plan! How fast does this water-powered car go?
DAVID
How fast do you want it to go?
BOB
Nine thousand miles an hour.
DAVID
It goes three hundred.
BOB
Why didn’t you just say that?
DAVID
I thought you’d say you wanted to go, like, ninety… then I’d impress you.
BOB
Good try. Do you have any guns?
DAVID
No!
(beat)
Oh wait, no, I have hundreds.
BOB
Get them. I’ll drive.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY
From a superwide shot, we watch the water-powered car driving superfast down this lonesome stretch of highway as the sun comes up. The car comes to a stop. Out of water.
BOB
Shoot. Out of water.
CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY
Bob and David are both peeing in the gas tank. In an “homage” to Zoolander, they start having a “sword fight” and slo-mo peeing all over each other as they giggle.
CUT TO:
Back to the car as it peels off down the highway.
EXT. GUARD GATE
The water-powered car bursts through the guard gate into the Globo-Chem parking lot.
INT. GLOBO-CHEM ATRIUM
CORPORATE EXECS are milling about, coming in for their morning.
Bob and David burst in, waving guns around.
DAVID
Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t mean to harm ya, don’t mean to alarm ya, I just mean to charm ya! This is not a holdup or a foldup.
BOB
Globo-Chem has committed illegal acts against the people of the world. We are here to expose hypocrisy, destroy the monopoly, and do it properly!
David looks at Bob—
DAVID
Good rhyme.
Bob looks at David—
BOB
I thought of it a few years ago. I’m just happy to have found a use for it.
They look out to see they are surrounded by dozens of GLOBO-CHEM SECURITY with guns drawn.
CUT TO:
INT. GLOBO-CHEM MEETING ROOM
Bob and David are tied up. Guards are standing around. Hartnut enters.
HARTNUT
David Cross… Bob Oden-whatever… What were you thinking?
BOB
Can we say something, sir?
HARTNUT
What?
BOB
We weren’t thinking.
DAVID
Give us another chance. Let us come in a different way. Through the air-conditioning ducts.
HARTNUT
Not today, boys, not today…
DAVID
Well tomorrow’s no good for me.
HARTNUT
Shut up.
Hartnut opens a window hatch in the ceiling. He looks up at the night sky. Hartnut plows through the following monologue, ignoring Bob and David’s asides.
HARTNUT (CONT’D)
The stars are beautiful at night, aren’t they?
BOB
Okay.
HARTNUT
They say that for every person with a dream, there’s a star.
DAVID
I’m sorry, where are you getting your statistics from?
HARTNUT
Then, of course, you have your black holes.
DAVID
I’m not gettin’ this down.
HARTNUT
Antimatter, emptiness, a drain on the universe.
BOB
Kinda like this speech.
HARTNUT
It’s interesting…
DAVID
Not like this speech.
HARTNUT
Black holes…
Bob and David groan.
HARTNUT (CONT’D)
… are more powerful than stars. In fact, they swallow stars. Well, that’s what I am, boys, I’m a black hole, and I am hungry.
BOB
I get it.
Hartnut picks up a RED TELEPHONE under a cake plate.
HARTNUT
(on telephone)
Get me the blue telephone.
An EXEC walks in with a blue telephone under a different cake plate. Hartnut picks it up.
HARTNUT (CONT’D)
(on telephone)
Operation Green Meadow is Go. Implement Phase One!
Claxons ring and red lights spin.
Chet, Jane, Todd, and Ron run into the room and strap themselves into chairs. The DATA SCREEN shows the exterior of the office building. Ha
rtnut straps himself into a chair in front of the Data Screen. This office set now resembles the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.
CUT TO:
EXT. GLOBO-CHEM BUILDING
The office building transforms into a rocket, taking off.
SFX: Jet engines roar to life.
CUTAWAY to an amazed Bob and David—childlike wonder.
EXT. ROCKET SHIP
The side of the rocket reads (in cursive writing like the name on the back of a boat): “My Kid’s Inheritance.” It enters the stratosphere.
CUT TO:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM/BRIDGE OF ROCKET
Turbulence shakes the room as everyone watches the liftoff on the BIG SCREEN.
HARTNUT
To the Tippity-Top of the Mippity-Mop!
BOB
Hey, that’s our saying.
DAVID
Well, we didn’t say the “ippity” part.
BOB
Still.
DAVID
But if we’re going to be honest about—
HARTNUT
Shut up! We need to listen to this. Stupid FAA regulations.
Bob and David and the Young Execs all watch an informational video on the big screen before them.
NARRATOR
Hello, and welcome to the McDonnell Douglas S-5 office building, interstellar aircraft.
A cartoon diagram of the office building. Cheap animation of the building’s facade falling away and rocket taking flight.
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Developed in association with NASA as an office building slash rocket ship, the S-5 is both an office building and a high-powered space travel device. So sit back, relax, and get back to the grind.
On the screen we see the Globo Planet fast approaching. It is a green planet inside a bubble. As we get closer we can make out golf courses, nice suburban homes and a mountain range and an ocean, and one GIANT ANT.
HARTNUT
(to Bob and David)
Jealous much?
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANET SURFACE
A small CROWD OF RICH-LOOKING WHITE PEOPLE, including Chance, are gathered where the ship has touched down. It is the end of a tiny main street, similar to Branson’s, but cleaner, very artificial. There are no cars, only golf carts.
The rocket door opens and Hartnut, wearing a high-collared robe, exits the ship to APPLAUSE. In the distance is the Earth, strikingly large. A HYPERACTIVE EMPLOYEE overdoes the cheering.
EMPLOYEE
Three cheers for Mr. Hartnut!
CROWD
Hooray!
HARTNUT
Thank you. Well, we did it. We built ourselves a better world for better people. I see Carlyle and Bunny Richmond, who built their fortune with zero money down.
A typical MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE from a late-night “make your fortune” infomercial.
HARTNUT (CONT’D)
Jarred Spoon…
A RICH YOUNG MAN, smoking a cigar, smiles at Hartnut.
HARTNUT (CONT’D)
… you did it. With nothing but the sweat of immigrant labor. Charles Keating, thank you for being here. James, Rita, Carlowe, you are all loaded, God bless you. Now, to begin. Dr. Walsh?
Dr. Walsh stands off to the side on the edge of a hole. Bob and David are tied up and dangle over the hole from the end of a crane.
DR. WALSH
Yes. Soon you will be able to take off your weight belts. By lowering this sampling of organic carbon matter into the plutonium core we will achieve a reaction necessary to provide full, Earth-like, gravitational pull.
HARTNUT
And look who’s providing us with the necessary raw materials. It’s our good friend, the President of the United States, and his dancing partner.
Applause. David can’t help but smile and wave.
DAVID
All right, people! Are you ready to party?!!
HARTNUT
Well, you gentlemen don’t seem too upset about transforming into globules of antimatter.
DAVID
No, man, we’re into it. Let’s do this, we love it.
BOB
Yeah, did we give you the impression we didn’t want to organically implode? Geez, no.
HARTNUT
Very well, then. Here to do the honors is my great-grandchild, Elsinore.
We see a really cute LITTLE GIRL, about six years old.
ELSINORE
The children of the world are our future.
Everyone applauds the little girl and they toast each other and chatter happily.
BOB
Oh, geez, I’m not listening to this crap.
DAVID
Yeah. Children ain’t shit, and I’m sick of hearing it.
Hartnut is peeved.
HARTNUT
Why are you ruining this perfect day?
DAVID
Look, can I say a few words for the adults in the room?
BOB
Hey, assholes!
Everyone shuts up and listens.
DAVID
Listen, folks, we should be totally honest with you. Bob and I are gonna be famous.
HARTNUT
(laughing)
Oh yeah, how’s that?
DAVID
We’re gonna blow up this planet, and then be on the news. Bob?
David looks over at Bob, who is slumped over, motionless. Is he dead…?
DAVID (CONT’D)
Bob?
CUT TO:
EXT. BRANSON STREET
Bob and David in their show clothes (Bob in suit, David in shorts and T-shirt) are sitting on the steps of their favorite bar, both are operating puppetronic remote devices like the ones DINO used to manipulate the mechanical bears earlier in the movie. Both wear thick glasses that allow them to see what their doppelganger robots on the future planet are seeing.
DAVID
… Bob—wake up!
BOB
This thing is jammed.
REVEAL Dino, the puppeteer, sitting next to Bob, he reaches over and flicks a switch on Bob’s remote control and we
CUT TO:
EXT. PLANET SURFACE
The BOB ANIMATRON comes back to life!
BOB
There we go—here I am again. Whew, sorry… I conked out for a second there. Where were we again?
DAVID
I was just explaining about how we’re going to blow up.
BOB
Good. Yes. Let’s do it!
The Mechanical Bob and David open up their chests to reveal scary thermonuclear BOMBS. The assembled rich people gasp and step back.
The Bob and David Animatrons reach into their mechanical chests and hook wires together, adjusting calibrations.
HARTNUT
What the hell? You’re not people… you’re some kind of robots.
BOB
The best kind of robot—the hero kind!
DAVID
One second, almost hooked up.
HARTNUT
What the hell is going on?
BOB
Let me explain. Here’s the deal, there are six different kinds of stars in the sky… I think.
DAVID
Yeah, and then there are black holes. Now, black holes suck.
HARTNUT
I know, I know, I’m the one that told you about that shit.
BOB
Right. Okay, well then, we’re all set. I guess there’s nothing left to do but…
ANIMATRONIC Bob and David press the buttons on their chests simultaneously and–
CUT TO:
EXT. MAIN STREET - BRANSON
View of the new planet in the night sky - BLOWING UP
ANGLE: The humanoid Bob, David, and all the actors from town are gathered on the front steps of their favorite bar, looking up, watching the explosion.
Bob and David remove their simulation eyeglasses and enjoy the giant explosion along with their actor friends. People applaud.
BOB
It’s b
eautiful, isn’t it?
DAVID
Wow. Yeah, it’s a shame so many rich people had to die.
BOB
Hey, that’s the first time in history that’s ever been said.
CHOW-CHOW rolls up.
CHOW
Uncle, Uncle!
DAVID
Hey, little big guy.
CHOW
Ha ha, Uncle, you’re so funny, I’m sad.
DAVID
Oh, why?
CHOW
Doctor said ’cause I didn’t get my special shoes my feet are gonna swell up and choke me to death.
DAVID
Oh.
Bob is looking really sad. To David he motions…
BOB
We gotta go.
DAVID
Listen, Chow. I hear you. I’m gonna do everything in my power to help me gain more power so I can gain more power. See, I want to have so much money that I can buy all the special shoes in the world, and just… burn ’em. Just ’cause I have that much money. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.
They share a moment. Behind David, Bob pulls up in a HOT RED SPORTS CAR. He has THREE LARGE-BREASTED WOMEN in bikinis in the back seat.