by David Cross
BOB
Hey David, you ready?
David nods to Bob.
DAVID
Oh, yeah.
David pats Chow on the head, jumps in the car. Bob hands David some Ray-Bans. They both put a pair on.
As Bob and David strike poses, we hear the outro song “Cool Summer”—a typical ’80s teen movie theme a la Footloose. They high-five. FREEZE FRAME. Over the following song we see the CREDITS and STILLS of Bob and David posing with volleyballs, big-titted girls, cool cars, and in various scenes that just plain weren’t in the movie. In every scene they have ’80s clothes and haircuts.
Bob fighting with a GUY IN A HAWAIIAN SHIRT.
David in a lifeguard chair with a gorilla peeking out behind him.
Bob and David in all-black clothes at night, sneaking by a sign that reads, “Ridgemont All-Girl Academy.”
Bob and David mooning a graduation ceremony.
The very last picture, before the song fades out, is Man One sitting in his massage chair.
SONG
Cool Summer / We’re gonna have a cool summer! / We’re gonna play volleyball in the sand / And rock ’n’ roll with a rock ’n’ roll band / Cool summer gonna be all right / We’re gonna sleep all day and sleep all night! / We’re gonna beat up some strangers who live out in the sticks / and find some chicks to suck our dicks! / Pull some pranks, rob some banks / Take crystal meth and snort some crank! / Cool Summer! Yeah!
FADE OUT.
“Studio Notes” on “Hooray for America!”
From: CASEY Voldemortz, Production Head, ********** pictures
To: Everydamnbody at this studio
Re: Hooray for America! screenplay
Are we making this thing?! I was at my summer-summer home in Amagansett (I rent the same place every year, it’s three houses down from my summer home and right between LaBarbara’s and LaLorne’s, but keep that under your hat), ready to relax, read a few scripts, see and be-seen, and make some GD deals when I looked up to find this turd-in-waiting script awaiting me. I called G.T. my V.P. at three A.M. and he said it wasn’t green-lit yet, but was aquamarine, verging on green, and so I put aside sleep for another day and dug in. Here are my thoughts:
Who are Bob and David? Do we care? Can this be Brendan Fraser and Pauly Shore? If we can’t get Fraser, what if Pauly plays both parts? Wait, what am I talking about? “If we can’t get Fraser”?! Of course we can. Scratch that. THE ONLY THING I UNEQUIVOCALLY LIKE is this serio-comic “promotional” section that opens the film (here) But please FIND OUT: Are these real products? Wonderful opportunity for Product placement! SOMEONE Call Marketing. Don’t we make rabbits? Get Karyn on this.
RE: THE CHARACTER OF CHOW-CHOW (here) This is a wonderful opportunity for INTERNATIONAL SALES!! But can we find a cute Korean kid who speaks English, for fuck’s sake! The way this is written is borderline racist! Also kid doesn’t have to be Korean, no? Jap, China kid, Filipino is fine, right? Or Hawaiian? Maybe Eskimo?
RE: CASTING (here) Can we get Alec Baldwin for Mr. Hartnut? Probably cheap. His career is over. I just saw him on the beach doing his morning run–he has a stomach like a barrel of gefilte, wobbling to and fro.
I DO NOT like the political aspects - NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN SATIRE!!! (here) But, should we make one of the candidates black? Thinking “24” or “Armageddon” here.
RE: THE MENTION OF CRAWFISH (here) Note to my ASSISTANT, JENNY - “Crawfish” reminds me, Jenny, I’m having lunch at the Ivy with Bewkes, right? Find out if they have the smoked trout today, if not cancel lunch. Say I’m with SALMAN RUSHDIE–who, by the way, I just saw taking his morning constitutional on the beach. He was SHITTING IN THE OCEAN!! Good for him–I’d give anything to take a real dump.
RE: LOCATION (here) Branson? Sounds expensive. Is this a real place? Can’t we just shoot in the fucking Valley? Seriously. Don’t be stupid.
RE: RATINGS!! (here) I see a ref to “Brief Nudity”?? Who? One of these guys? Absolutely not! Let’s get Jessica Alba in for this part? Or maybe what’s-her-face? Yeah, let’s get her.
RE: PLOT POINT (here thru here) This whole song/tribute thing to “America”. I don’t get it. It’s not funny. It MAY BE EDUCATIONAL, but NO ONE CARES!! People don’t go to movies to LEARN ANYTHING! They go to movies to give money to people like me. Period. ALSO, is rapping still popular? Jenny, can you go to security and ask a black?
RE: MECHANICAL BEAR (here) Can we get John Goodman for the Bear? He could do a voice-over or we could put Goodman in Bear makeup. This thing needs some marquee names. Anybody!
RE: MORE MARKETING TIE-INS!! (here) Regarding Pit Pat costume… possible tie-in? Can we make this a skateboarding “hoodie”? Who is PIT PAT? Will we get sued? Can we SUE SOMEONE ELSE IF WE MAKE THIS MOVIE? Look into it, that might be reason to give it a greenie!
- I stopped reading for a little bit. A lot of fucking talking in this thing. That’s like, all it is. Do people like talking? Jenny, go outside and ask someone walking around.
RE: TV PARODY IN FILM (here) Regarding junkie/reality show… possible spin-off? Having lunch with Burnett on Tuesday, will feel him out. Also, NOT going back to the Ivy! DeVito and Perlman hit me up for a threesome! No thank you. If it was Ron Perlman, then maybe. Rhea? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
RE: BRUNCH (here) Am I still having brunch with Harvey and Anna on Sunday? Do I still drink? If I do let’s make it at the Ivy. LOOOOVE their peach bellinis! I think. JENNY, Find out if I still like peach bellinis.
RE: LUNCH (here) Jenny, where am I having lunch tomorrow? What’s the name of the sushi place in the valley that Bay told me he got a handi from the hostess? Sushi Dushi or something like that? What was the name of the hostess? I’m guessing Lee or Kwan or something like that?
RE: SOMETHING IN THE SCRIPT (here) I see a reference to an “el Presidente” Nice!! This is the fastest growing demographic in America. More of this! Maybe a Telenova tie-in?
OVERALL NOTES: I stopped reading at 184. It’s 10 AM and time to MAKE SOME DEALS and GOUGE SOMEONE. I have to eat something and talk to someone–whose idea was it to vacation at a place so peaceful and quiet! I’m going fucking nuts! RE: THIS MOVIE - Jesus, I can’t believe I made it through one-quarter of this turd on wheels. I would never see this thing. No explosions, no tits. Also no exploding tits. PASS!
BONUS SKETCH SCRIPTS!
FAGIT & MORELLO
by Bob Odenkirk and David Cross
Written in 2009
INT. BISHOP’S STUDY
A fat bishop in fancy dress sits behind a simple desk, speaking into a big microphone. This is ALL BLACK-AND-WHITE, sorta like newsreel, except for the film clips, which are like a black-and-white Martin and Lewis film.
BISHOP
Hello fellow bishops, parish priests and devout followers, this is Bishop John McMurtry of the Greater Rochester Archdiocese, here to talk about a film that is coming to your community in this year of our lord, one thousand nine hundred and fifty-six. The film I am about to sample for you is wicked and venal. The images you are about to see are shameful and cause for great consternation, though the cinematography by Gerhard Deutsch is, as usual, nothing less than brilliant. The film features a newly discovered nightclub song and comedy team by the name of “Fagit and Montello,” but do not be deceived by the lighthearted japery, this film is rife with blasphemy and scandal—
CUT TO:
EXT. DESERT FOOTAGE
Random Graphics fill the screen: “Laughingest!”, “Singingest!”, “Romancingest!”
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Coming to the screen, laughs, songs, and more laughs! Get lost in the scorching desert with America’s laughingest singingest new comedy-romancery team! “Fagit and Morello”! As they chase girls, and fortune, in the cradle of civilization! The Exotic Middle East!!
INT. DESERT STUDIO SET
Bob and David as a Martin and Lewis type of comic team. Bob is the Dean Martin (Morello), David is the Jerry Lewis (Fagit). They are in a fakey studio “Desert” set. Both
have leather flying gear, like from the ’40s, and speak in sorta dopey but lovable Brooklyn accents of the time.
FAGIT
Hey you, Morello, where the heck are we?
MORELLO
Hey you, Fagit, how should I know? You were the navigator, you got us lost!
FAGIT
Yeah, I’m sorry, now we’ll never find the jade onyx of King Kumutmutmut.
MORELLO
Ah, shut up about that rotten stone. I need to find some girls.
FAGIT
You gonna put your cannoli in their spaghetti?
MORELLO
You know it, chum. First, I’ll sing to ’em, but there’s no way I’m singin’ with this parched throat.
FAGIT
Wish there was some water.
Along comes a COMICAL MERCHANT in a striped outfit selling water in leather-bladder-type containers. Fagit grabs one and pours a bunch down his throat and on his face.
MERCHANT
No! You stop! Is holy! Holy water!
MORELLO
Hey you, Fagit, stop it, that’s holy water you’re drinkin’!
Fagit does a spit take.
FAGIT
I thought it tasted kinda old.
MORELLO
You know what that means? I guess we’re in the Holy Land.
Music starts and the Merchant and Fagit both become transfixed by Morello as he begins singing in a nondescript crooner style that is Andy Williams crossed with Bob Odenkirk… but more Bob Odenkirk.
MORELLO (CONT’D)
(singing)
Holy Land, Holy Moly land, Man Oh Man, This ain’t no Charlie Chan… land—
The song cuts out as we
CUT TO:
EXT. FOOTAGE OF MIDEAST SITES
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
See the two knuckle-brains as they hunt for diamonds! Meet sirens and sahibs! And run into the holiest ghost of all, in Fagit and Morello Meet the Ghost of Jesus!
The TITLE: FAGIT AND MORELLO MEET THE GHOST OF JESUS
CUT TO:
INT. UNDERGROUND TOMB SET
The two guys, led by their SAHIB HELPER, a very white guy with too much tanning makeup on, walk around with flaming torches.
FAGIT
Hey you, Morello, shine a light over here, I gotta pick my nose.
Morello shines the light at Fagit and he digs away in his nose with gusto.
FAGIT (CONT’D)
Ah… sweet relief.
Behind Fagit is an illuminated tomb!
SAHIB
Oh my goodness and gracious, it can’t be!
FAGIT
What? Ain’t you never seen nobody digging for nose gold before?
MORELLO
No, not that, Fagit. It’s a tombstone. What does it say, Sahib?
SAHIB
It say, “This is the tomb of the one they call the Nazarene.”
FAGIT
Haha! What kinda name is “Nazarene”?! That’s a nutty name! They used to call my Uncle Morty the “Schnozz-arene!”
Morello slaps Fagit.
MORELLO
Shut up, Faggoli, you’re way off the mark! Don’t you know who that is?
FAGIT
Naw, I don’t, so who’s it anyways?!
MORELLO
Christ!
FAGIT
Don’t get mad at me, just tell me!
MORELLO
Jesus, you dope!
FAGIT
Christ Almighty, what are ya talkin’ about?
MORELLO
That’s it exactly!
FAGIT
What?
MORELLO
You got it!
FAGIT
I got what?
MORELLO
The one! He who am—that’s who!
FAGIT
I’ve never been so confused! Jesus H. Christ on a cross!
MORELLO
Exactly!!
FAGIT
Why you!! Jumpin’ Jesus! Answer the question! Whose tomb is it?
MORELLO
Well, I don’t know if he jumped any, but he sure was a kooky kat!
Fagit has a fit, which ends as Morello sings in his trademark, white-bread warble…
MORELLO (CONT’D)
(singing)
Jesus H, Whatshisface, the Leader of the human race—best guy ever, never mind the weather, he’ll zap them clouds with his superpow’rs!
Cutting the song off again as we
CUT TO:
INT. TOMB
F&M are sitting on the lid of an opened grave, wiping sweat from their foreheads. Morello is asleep.
FAGIT
Ah, you go ’head an’ sleep. I’ll keep watch. There ain’t nothin’ in this tomb, anyways.
From behind Fagit comes the ghost of a very gentle-seeming Jesus.
FAGIT (CONT’D)
You feel a draft, Morello? Whew, all of the sudden it got kinda cold—
JESUS’ GHOST puts his hand on Fagit’s shoulder.
FAGIT (CONT’D)
Hey you, Morello! Is that… you? I-I-I thought you was asleep… I…
He turns around, gulps, his eyes pop at the sight of Jesus…
FAGIT (CONT’D)
M-M-M-Morello!
MORELLO
What is it, I’m tryna catch some winks!
FAGIT
J-J-J-Jesus!
MORELLO
God bless ya.
FAGIT
No… I mean the ghost of J-J-Jesus!
They both jump up and run.
INT. TOMB HALLWAY
Fagit and Morello run around, being chased by the ghost of Jesus as SPIKE JONES “krazy” music plays.
Jesus throws some cream pies.
Fagit and Morello get stuck in a corner. Fagit accidentally pulls on a gargoyle and they both fall down a hole.
INT. DIAMOND ROOM - LATER
We rejoin them now in a room with hieroglyphics on the walls. Fagit is being fanned by an UGLY FAT GIRL, and Morello sings his one hit song, “You Are the Moonbeam to My Starlight,” to a HOT ARABIC WOMAN.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And Morello sings his patented Top 70 hit—“Meatballs ’N Moonbeams!”
NOTE: Halfway through the song we see Jesus’ Ghost casually hanging out.
MORELLO
(singing)
For you are the moonbeam in my eyeball, the garlic calzone in my-a meatball, I wasn’t nobody til you shone your light on me, Now I can see, that we, will be, in love…
The film “cuts off” suddenly, as if a projector was turned off, because it was, and we CUT TO the guy who turned it off—our BISHOP.
INT. BISHOP’S STUDY
BISHOP
That’s enough of that. Now, when you see this film in your neighborhood you must get the entire parish out for a protest. Notify the radio and television. Get the word out! The more you protest, the more free publicity we can generate. Cinema Cattolica has produced these films for the express purpose of stirring up the rabble! If we can launch Fagit and Morello we already have a series of follow-ups being produced, including Fagit and Morello meet Harriet Tubman, and we have a script for Fagit and Morello Meet the Harriet Tubman Robot. Thank you, this is Bishop John McMurtry saying; “Let’s find something to get peeved off about together.”
(he winks)
NINETEEN FIFTY-BLEVEN
by Bob Odenkirk, David Cross, and Brian Posehn
Written sometime around 2003
Bob and David walk into a revival theatre. There is a newsreel playing, like an old-time newsreel from the ’50s.
We pull in ON-SCREEN: A graphic for “Movietime News”
NARRATOR
Movietime News presents, “The Year in Review”!
GRAPHIC: “The Year in Review—195 *” (* signifies a symbol that is something between 4 and 5 but not an asterisk as it’s used here.)
NARRATOR (CONT’D)
Could this be the last decade featuring the year bleven?
CLO
SE ON: A Calendar with the 1950-bleven symbol on it. A human hand reaches in and rips it down.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE ROSE GARDEN
THREE SCIENTISTS talk to a laughing PRESIDENT.
NARRATOR
Scientists have asked the President to do away with the number bleven, the number between seven and eight, because they claim it screws up the deca-something system of counting. The President has agreed…
CUT TO:
EXT. SAME
The President signing an official order.
NARRATOR
… And has signed papers decreeing it so.
EXT. SAME
President speaks at podium.
PRESIDENT
Everything that took place in this past year, or in any year ending with bleven, will heretofore be erased from the history books!
Assembled people clap halfheartedly.
PRESIDENT (CONT’D)
The Army Corps of Engineers will assist all citizens in destroying any trace of this past year.
Applause.
ANGLE ON: A Jewish family outside a department store that has a sign that says, “Wiltons—All are welcome! Jews, Blacks, Women, and Homosexuals aren’t welcome!”
JEWISH MOTHER
(to camera)
Oh well, it wasn’t that great anyways.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET, CIRCA 1950S
PEOPLE dropping off photos and papers from the past year in a Dumpster labeled “BLEVEN THINGS.” ARMY GUARDS stand by the Dumpster.