Alive (Mended Hearts #1)

by Beth Maria

  Again? What does he mean, ‘again’?

  Confused, I ask him what he means. He looks up from the table, obviously not understanding what I just asked. So I ask again. I watch his face drain of color, instantly making me worry.

  He takes a hold of my hands, his thumbs rubbing them back and forth. My skin prickles, and my palms sweat in fear of what he is about to tell me. I know I’m not going to like what he is about to say.

  “Before I tell you, please don’t be mad at me, baby. I did it to protect you.” He rushes his words out.

  I nod my head. I couldn’t talk even if I tried; my throat is as dry as sandpaper right now.

  “I know you told me not to say anything to her about when she confronted you, but I couldn’t just stand back and watch her destroy you, baby. Because she would have, and I can’t lose you. I went to see her after I left here, warning her to leave you alone or I would ruin her. I thought I’d made myself clear, but obviously she needs to be told again, or taught a lesson. I haven’t decided yet…” he says, trailing off.

  I can’t believe it. I trusted him. We’d only been together a few hours at that time, and he had broken my trust. If he’s kept that from me, what else has he kept from me? My body visibly shakes, thinking of all the things he could have lied about.

  “Hey, calm down. I haven’t kept anything else from you. I promise,” he says, sounding sincere.

  How can I believe him, though? He also sounded sincere when he promised not to speak to Tiffany, and look how that turned out. He went and pissed on our promise.

  I frantically shake my head at him. I don’t believe him. How can I? He knew I had trust issues. Men are all the same. You can’t trust them as far as you can throw them, and for me, that isn’t very far.

  “H-h-how c-c-could you?” I stutter, my shock flying through the roof right now.

  “I’m sorry, Maisie. I really am. You have to believe me, that I did it for your safety,” he replies, eyes wide.

  My breathing hitches. I can’t breathe. Shit. I think I’m having a panic attack. My eyes search frantically around, looking for something, anything to help me. I haven’t had an episode in so long, not since Matt. I need my parents.

  “Maisie, look at me, baby. You need to breathe,” Jesse says, suddenly crouching in front of me. I look into his worried eyes, feeling betrayed. This is his fault. I’m like this because he couldn’t keep his promise. I knew he was the same as soon as I set my sights on him. I still gave him the benefit of the doubt, though.

  Pushing him away, because I can’t look at him at the moment, I then put my head between my legs. It’s the best thing after a paper bag. Since I don’t have one of those right now, this will have to do.

  I stay like this for what feels like forever. Eventually, my breathing finally calms down, but I’m covered in sweat.

  “Jesus, Maisie. That just scared the shit out of me. Are you okay?” Jesse asks. In my panic attack, I’d become completely oblivious to Jesse trying to help me. Looking at his face reminds me of why I had the damn panic attack in the first place.

  My breathing starts hitching again, just from the sight of him. I need to leave before I have another episode. I can’t handle another one. I feel drained. I just want to go to my room, sleep, and forget about everything. I’ll deal with it all in the morning when I have a clear head. If I discuss it now, I’m likely to make a bad decision that I will probably regret in the morning. It’s best if I just leave.

  Ignoring his question, I push my chair back, standing up and looking anywhere but at him. “I’m going to be staying at the dorms from now on. I’ll see you tomorrow.” My voice comes out scratchy from my dry throat.

  “Wait…”

  I pause, looking at him. He looks so stressed. His hair is disheveled, like he’s been running his hands through it for the last fifteen minutes. The lines on his forehead are pronounced from his frowning. I’d make a joke about it if I wasn’t so heartbroken right now.

  “Will I see you tomorrow?” he eventually asks.

  “I don’t know, Jesse. I need time to think,” I reply honestly. I don’t know what the outcome of this is going to be. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. Without trust, there isn’t a relationship. It’s the key to a successful one.

  “Okay,” he sighs dejectedly. His shoulders slump, his head hanging low. He looks like how I feel, and I don’t know why, but I feel sorry for him. I shouldn’t, though, not after what he’s done. Except I do. I need to leave before I forgive him without thinking it through.

  Not waiting for another word to be said, I leave his house, not once looking back. If I do, I will crumble and forgive him. I can’t do that. The last thing I want is to be in relationship that ends in heartbreak. I thought my break-up with Matt was bad. If I broke up with Jesse, it would be heart shattering. I would never find myself again. That’s why I need to think before I do something I could possibly regret.

  ****

  I walk into my dorm room for the first time in nearly two weeks and see that the place is a tip. From the looks of it, Chloe hasn’t lifted a finger since I left. There are take-out boxes lying over every surface, dirty clothes covering the floor, and neither bed is made, which is strange because I made mine before I left. So that must mean… Eurghh, seriously, Chloe? I’m going to have to chuck those sheets now. God only knows what they have seen.

  Mentally shaking the disturbing thoughts away, I try to find spaces to walk on that aren’t covered.

  I try to change my sheets without touching them. It proves to be impossible. Damn you, Chloe. I’m going to kill you when I next see you. It’s not a surprise that she’s not here. She was hardly here before I went home. I’m going to have to apologize to her tomorrow instead.

  Sheets changed, I go into the bathroom to change into my PJs. It’s no better in here, either. Oh well. I’ll deal with the mess tomorrow. I’m too tired right now.

  After climbing into bed, I plug my headphones in to distract me from my disastrous day. The tears come anyway. Jesse betrayed me. It may not have been something big, but he still betrayed my trust. For that, I don’t know if I can forgive him…

  Chapter 17

  Maisie

  Ow, shit. My ear really fucking hurts. Why does it hurt? Rubbing my ear, I realize that my ear bud has been digging into it. Now I remember why I don’t wear them to bed anymore.

  Sitting up, I stretch, feeling refreshed. I check my phone and see that it’s eleven am. Wow, I slept for twelve hours straight. I must have drained myself more than I thought yesterday. I also see that I have five texts and ten missed calls. All from Jesse. I’m not ready to reply to him yet, though. He can wait a little longer.

  “Nice of you to grace me with your presence,” Chloe says sarcastically next to me.

  My heart jumping through my throat, I turn toward her serious face, waiting for my heart beat to calm down. I think I might have also just peed myself a little.

  This is the first time I’ve seen her since I went home. Before I left, she looked a mess. And now? She actually looks back to normal. It seems that she’s taking care of her appearance again. It’s good to see.

  “Can we talk?” I ask, facing her. This could either go really well or very badly. Quite frankly, I’m scared shitless. Chloe doesn’t forgive easily. I’ve just never been on this side of her before.

  “Sure. Whatever,” she replies, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly.

  I swallow the mighty lump that seems to have lodged itself in the middle of my throat before I tell her, “I’m sorry, Chloe. I’ve been a shitty friend. I should have stuck by you when you needed me, not pestered you. You would have told me eventually. I just wanted to be there for you, like you are for me. You just don’t make it easy, is all.”

  The serious look leaves her face, being replaced with sorrow.

  “No. I’m sorry, Maisie. I know you were just trying to help me, and I pushed you away. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I’m still not, but I will tell
you eventually. Just not right now, okay?” she asks, begging me to understand.

  “I understand,” I tell her honestly. And I do. Chloe’s always told me what’s bothering her when she’s ready. I just got stressed out, as it was between her and my brother. I didn’t want the drama. However, I still had it, as I made it ten times worse by falling out with her.

  “I should have apologized to you the day after, but I just didn’t know how to. I was in the wrong, and I see that now. Can we just forget we ever fell out? I miss you, Maisie. I promise I will tell you when I can,” she pleads, hopefulness etched on her face.

  “Of course we can! I was going to talk to you about it over a week ago, but I was too scared to face you. You’re a scary bitch when you want to be, you know?” We both laugh at that.

  “I know I’m not the easiest person to fall out with, but I would never black list you, baby girl. You’re stuck with me forever. Now, come here. I need a hug. It’s been way too long,” she replies, holding her arms out for me.

  I leap into her arms, and we squeeze each other like we haven’t seen each other in years. To us, it feels that long. We usually see each other every day. This is the longest we’ve gone without talking, let alone seeing each other.

  “I’m sorry,” we both say at the same time.

  As I pull out of the hug, I look around the room, remembering the mess that I walked in on last night. How one person can make so much mess, I don’t know. Chloe’s never been the tidiest, but this is disgusting. I know I said I would clean it up tomorrow, but I’ve changed my mind. I’m not touching any of this. I don’t know what it’s seen.

  I stand up, and to drive my point home, I spread my arms out around the room, indicating the mess. “What the hell happened here? It looks like a tornado hit our room.”

  Sheepishly looking down at the mess, she answers, “Yeah, about that… I’ve been too distracted to clean up after myself. And in all fairness, I didn’t know when you were coming back. You haven’t been here for nearly two weeks.”

  Touché. Though at the moment, I’m sure even a homeless person wouldn’t want to live here. I’m thinking it would have been healthier to stay with Jesse. Or not… I came back here to get away from him for a reason.

  My heart aches at the thought of not talking to him today. He really is my whole world. Why did he have to go and do what he did?

  I sit down on the edge of my bed, memories flashing through my mind of the things we have done together. We have made so many memories in two months. It could have been so much more. It would be sad to say goodbye to the possibility of not having more. I could have happily spent the rest of my life with him. It’s all happened so fast, but I know he would have made me the happiest woman alive. A tear escapes my eye, dripping onto my cheek. This hurts more than I thought it would. I quickly wipe the tear away before Chloe can see it to ask what’s wrong. I know that if she asks, I will tell her. I need her help so much more than I realized. She’s always given me words of wisdom during my hardest times.

  “Chloe, I need your help,” I say, beating her to the punch.

  The tears are coming down thicker now, blurring my vision.

  “Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? I thought we were okay?” she asks, coming to sit next to me. Turning to face her, I wipe my eyes to see better, but it’s no use. They fill up again as soon as I’ve wiped.

  “We are okay,” I say, my voice gruff.

  “What’s wrong then?

  Wringing my hands together, I tell her everything.

  When I’m finished, I inhale a deep breath, feeling better for spilling my guts to her. I just hope she can help me. I don’t know if she can help with my impending trust issues that I now have, though. No one can help me with that except me. I just don’t know if I will ever be able to trust Jesse again.

  “Okay, let me get this straight. You’re upset with him because he tried to defend you?” she asks, looking confused.

  “It’s not because he defended me. He went behind my back and confronted her after I told him to leave it. He broke my trust, Chloe. You know that’s a big deal for me, especially after Matt,” I reply defensively.

  “I’m just trying to help here, so don’t get angry with me, Maisie. From what I can tell, he may have broken your trust, but he did it to help you. He wasn’t doing it to make things worse. He loves you, Maisie. He’s just protecting what is his. Any good guy would do the same, and you know that. Would you rather he didn’t say anything to her? Because even I can tell you that she would have done a lot worse than break your cell phone. Don’t give up on him because he tried to protect you. You need to realize what his intentions were before it’s too late.”

  See, this is why I need my best friend. She always makes me see sense. If it wasn’t for Jesse having words with Tiffany, we probably wouldn’t have lasted this long. Tiffany would have found a way to ruin us. Even though she’s acting up again, Jesse would nip that in the bud right away, protecting me. He’s my savior. I just didn’t realize it last night.

  I’m such a dumbass.

  “God, you’re right. You’re always fucking right. This is why I need you. I need to talk to Jesse now. I have to apologize for how I reacted.” I reach for my new cell. Chloe’s hand comes down on top of mine before I reach it.

  “You’re right. You do need me. Don’t call him yet, though. Let him sweat a little bit longer,” she winks at me, giving a devilish smile.

  “Maybe I will.” I put my hand back in my lap, returning her devilish smile. Jesse can wait a little longer. It won’t kill him. This way, I can spend some time with Chloe, not worrying because everything will be okay later. I’m not giving up on Jesse. No chance in hell. Tiffany’s going to have to do worse than break my cell.

  He did a thoughtful thing for me, and I just threw it back in his face. I will make it up to him later on.

  For the next few hours, I don’t touch my cell phone when it goes off. I leave it; the whole time with a smile on my face because everything is going to be okay.

  Chapter 18

  Jesse

  I haven’t stopped pacing for nearly the whole day. I didn’t get any sleep last night, so today, I’m running on energy drinks and coffee. Lots of it. I’ve got the shakes because I’ve consumed so much caffeine.

  I’m getting worried. I haven’t heard from Maisie since she left my house last night. She isn’t answering my calls or texts. If I get her voicemail one more time, it’s likely that I’m going to throw my cell at the wall.

  I’ve thought about going to check on her, especially after the episode that she had last night, but she made it clear that I’m not welcome. She needs time to think. About us.

  Oh God. When she had that panic attack last night, I felt helpless. It was my fault that she was in that position. If I hadn’t have betrayed her trust like that, none of this would be happening. She would be in my arms right now, possibly making love. My idiotic actions may mean that I never get to hold her in my arms again, let alone make love to her.

  Damn it. I’m such a piece of shit. I don’t even deserve her forgiveness. I’m just like my father; throwing away the only good thing to ever happen to me. I’ll never find anyone else like her for as long as I live. Nobody will ever compare to her. She’s my perfect girl.

  Punching my bedroom door out of frustration, I don’t even feel the pain. I’m sure I will later. It doesn’t matter, though. I should do it a thousand more times. It’s what I deserve after what I’ve done.

  Checking the time for the millionth time today, I see that it’s seven. I’ve still not heard anything from her. Fuck it. I can’t stand around wondering what is going to happen. I have to go see her. I have to try and work things out with her.

  I spot my guitar sitting in the corner of my room, thinking… It could work. I have to try. It’s the only chance I’ve got at actually winning her back. And if it doesn’t work? I don’t want to think about that.

  Strapping it onto my back, I don’t think abou
t it anymore. I’m just going to give it my best shot.

  When I finally pull up on the sidewalk outside of the dorm rooms, the nerves kick in. My palms start sweating, and my body shivers, not from the cold but from the nerves. I can’t be nervous. I need to be confident. Mentally shaking it off, I pull my shoulders up straight, marching through the doors and up the stairs like a man on a mission. And I am.

  I loudly knock on the door and wait patiently for my whole life to answer the door.

  Chapter 19

  Maisie

  *Knock, knock*

  The sound interrupts our movie marathon.

  I pause the movie, and then get up from my bed, dusting myself off. I’m most probably covered in crumbs. Chloe and I have been eating junk food all afternoon. It was deserved after all the cleaning we did.

  “Who the hell could that be?” Chloe asks, sitting up and looking at the closed door like she has some sort of superpower that allows her to see through it.

  “I won’t know until I answer it,” I tell her sarcastically.

  Still facing Chloe, I open the door. A smile breaks out on her face. It must be someone for her then.

  As I turn to see who it is, my chest bumps against a familiar rock hard one. I would recognize that chest anywhere, all muscle and perfection.

  I have to physically stop myself from resting my head on his chest and inhaling him deeply. I settle for a discrete sniff. It will have to do for now. I’ll take full advantage of him later.

  Right now, though, I’m playing cool. For all he knows, I still need time to think. I know it’s cruel, but I’m still going to do it. Call it a lesson for hurting me in the first place, even if, in his mind, it was for good intentions.

  Slowly dragging my eyes up his body, I notice that he’s still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, and they are all crumpled. His eyes look tired with huge bags underneath them. Shit. What have I done? He looks a mess.