Falling Too Deep

by Shay Lee Giertz

  “Then you jump in the shower first. Wash that lake water from you.” Mom kissed my cheek. “I love you.”

  I went to my room and grabbed a pair of yoga pants and a loose t-shirt. In the bathroom, I looked at my reflection and noticed me grinning. “Okay, so this is just weird,” I said to my reflection. But hey, I thought as I turned on the shower and got in, at least I don’t feel any more pressure or the feeling that my lungs might explode.

  As I scrubbed down I made a mental checklist of what I was grateful for and what still bothered me. I felt grateful that I was alive. That’s a given. I didn’t know what the do-over meant, but at least it wasn’t death and the hereafter. I felt grateful that I made amends with my family. I was sorry that it took me falling three stories into Lake Michigan to realize what a jerk I’d become, but the event seemed to make all of us realize that there was still so much to live for, even in grief.

  But I’d be lying to myself if I said it didn’t bother me that the do-over seemed to not have any effect on this version of reality. All that hard work at the restaurant!! I was proud of saving most of my earnings. The idea that I didn’t have that money kind of irked me. Even more so than that was that I had spent over two months writing the fifth novel to Dad’s series. Ugh.

  I turned off the water, stepped out of the shower, and dried off. Sure, I could write it all again, but I had written close to 170 pages!

  “Think of the positive,” I told myself, as I dressed. “You’re alive. Your family is good. Jayce is here.”

  I paused and thought of Jayce.

  I needed to talk to him. I was done wasting time. If going through this taught me anything it was that a lot of times your perceptions about people and events were flat-out wrong and that wasting time was futile. But I still hesitated with saying anything to him. He was technically with Heather. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be the girl to break up a relationship.

  When I opened the door, I saw Jayce leaning against the hallway wall, waiting for me. “Can we go for a walk?” he asked. The hallway wasn’t lit but I could see his concern from the creasing forehead to slight frown.

  “Let me make sure it’s okay with Mom.”

  “She said she was going to wait for you so she could take a shower, but she fell asleep. Bobby’s just went into the room with her. They’re still really shaken up.”

  “What about you? You’ve been kind of quiet.”

  He took in a shaky breath, and I could hear the catch in his voice. “What do you think, Brooke?” I watched him press his lips together to keep them from trembling. “I watched you fall three stories. I thought you were dead.”

  “Let’s go for that walk,” I said. “Give me a minute to let my mom know. I don’t want her worried.” I opened her bedroom door and saw her sleeping in her dress. She hadn’t even bothered to get under the covers. Bobby lay beside her, but his eyes were open, staring at me. “I’m going for a walk with Jayce. I won’t be gone long.”

  Bobby nodded. “Okay,” he whispered.

  I went over to Mom and kissed her cheek. She barely stirred. “If Mom wakes up and asks, please tell her. I’ll leave a note on the table too.”

  “Be careful,” he said.

  “I won’t go far. Maybe I’ll sit on the deck. Safe and sound, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I left the room and closed the door behind me. Jayce already stood outside. I wrote a quick note to Mom, ever cognizant of the turmoil she must have felt. Once outside, I said, “Do you mind if we stay close. Bobby didn’t want me to go far.”

  “Of course.”

  “Maybe we could walk the beach in front of the cabin. Still in view.”

  He nodded and started toward the sand without looking in my direction. I followed him. About halfway between the cabin and the water, Jayce stopped and gazed up at the sky. I stood beside him, not knowing what to say. I wanted to tell him everything about the do-over and how I’d changed, and how I realized my feelings for him. Instead, I took a moment to watch him. “What’d you want to talk about?”

  Suddenly he turned and drew me to him, his arms tightly wrapped around me. I hugged him in return, soaking him in.

  After several minutes in each other’s arms, I made the decision. “I have to tell you something.”

  He released me, and I saw he’d been crying. Wiping at his face, he said, “Tell me. And it better be something wonderful because I just had the night from hell.”

  “I realized something after all of this,” I started, suddenly nervous. “Well, first let me say that I know you’re dating Heather, and I’m not trying to sabotage you two.”

  “We’re not together. I was coming to find you to tell you when you pushed past me and ran off. Your mom told me to give you some space that you were upset with her, but after a few minutes, I had to come find you. I was worried. That’s when…well, yeah, anyway, I’m not with Heather. We broke it off. I broke it off.”

  “All right, at least that makes this a little easier.” I paused, then asked, “Remember your brother’s junky Camaro?”

  “Yeah.” He acted confused.

  “Well, I told you that I had a crush on him. I thought he was super cool.”

  “I don’t remember you telling me that. And why would you crush on him? That Camaro was a pile of junk.”

  “Never mind. The point is I remember now when my feelings for you grew to something more than just my best friend.”

  Jayce opened his mouth and raised his eyebrows. I had hoped that what he had said in the do-over still applied, but he wasn’t letting me know it.

  Not knowing what else to do, I kept going. “We were in eighth grade, both in the back seat, and you were reading one of my short stories. I never let myself think about it. You always had girlfriends, so it was easy to keep telling myself that we were buddies. But I wanted you to know that I’ve loved you since that moment. You had on that jean jacket and your hair was longer and sort of flopped over one of your eyes. I watched as you read my story. Then you looked up at me and said it was the best you’d ever read. It was at that moment.” I paused, but he still didn’t say anything. His silence made me even more nervous! “You don’t have to do anything. Or say anything. But I thought you should know.”

  “I wasn’t lying,” he said. “When I said it was the best story I’d ever read, it was the truth. I still remember what it was about. A girl named Lizzy discovers she has the power to shapeshift.”

  “Yeah, I was heavily influenced by my Dad’s writing.”

  “In the story,” Jayce continued, “Lizzy’s best friend is Darius. And at the end of the story, they get together.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I liked that ending.”

  My heart jumped into my throat. “Me too.”

  We stood facing each other as if both were waiting for the other to make the next move. Jayce still hadn’t said anything about me being his dream girl, but at least now he knew how I felt about him.

  “Do you know why I date so many girls?” he asked. “It’s not that they’re beautiful, although they are, or that they’re smart or funny or whatever. I date a lot because it keeps my mind off the one girl who I thought until this very moment only saw me as a friend.”

  “And I haven’t dated that much because in my mind there’s only been you.”

  “Well, now I feel bad.”

  “You should.”

  “So, what you’re saying is—“

  “What I’m saying is that falling in the water opened my eyes to a lot of things. One of which is that keeping this big secret that I didn’t even know I had comes to an end now. It’s always been you, Jayce. And if all we can be is friends, then I’ll be okay with that, but I had to tell you how I felt. In case…I don’t know… in case you’ve maybe felt the same way.”

  “Yeah,” he said quietly, smiling and shaking his head. “Yeah, Brooke, but I thought I’d never hear you say the words. I thought it was only one-sided.”

  Neither of us said anything for
a few minutes. I didn’t know what would come next. And it made me nervous.

  Jayce asked, “What now? I can’t believe how nervous I am.”

  “I know. Me too. Maybe this.” I closed the distance between us and, standing on my tiptoes, kissed him. “Now maybe you can ask me on a date. Like normal people.”

  But Jayce had already pulled me to him again. His lips on mine. The kiss was tentative at first, but it became warm and soft and inviting. “Will you go on a date with me?” he asked, before kissing me again.

  Someone coughed behind us. “Sorry to interrupt, but I’d like to talk to Brooke.”

  I turned to see Heather with her arms crossed, staring me down.

  24

  “Heather,” I said, letting go of Jayce. “What are you doing here? Lucas said you went to bed.”

  “I couldn’t sleep,” she said. Then to Jayce, she asked, “So, does this have anything to do with why you turned me down tonight?”

  “It has everything to do with it,” Jayce said simply. “I’ve sort of always had a thing for Brooke. And I’m just finding out tonight that she’s had a thing for me.”

  My heart swelled at hearing those words. But still, Heather had rescued me. Not to mention I now understood and admired her. Even though she didn’t know it. Yet. “Jayce, can I talk to Heather for a minute?”

  “Sure.” He kissed my forehead. “I’ll sit on the deck and look at the stars. And think of you.”

  “I shouldn’t be surprised,” she said as he left. “He kept wanting to check on you. I had candles lit, and everything was all romantic for, you know, but I couldn’t get him to give me his attention.”

  “Jayce and I have been close since sixth grade. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “I’m not hurt,” she said with a shrug. “We were both leaving the yacht club. And I’m going to be really busy the next couple of months.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I said, before stopping myself. “I mean with college and everything.”

  “I’m not doing college just yet,” she said. “I signed on with the Coast Guard. What happened tonight though has me second-guessing myself.”

  “Why would you second-guess yourself? You saved my life, Heather. What you did was selfless and brave. Especially when I’ve completely been a jerk all summer.”

  She made a face that expressed her agreement. Then she said, “Because when I found you in the water, I thought you were dead. I pushed to swim to you, but I was so scared.”

  “If you hadn’t pushed, I would be dead. You pushed past your fear and helped me push past mine.”

  “How’s that?” She acted skeptically.

  “Falling three stories into the water makes a person reevaluate a lot of things. For starters, it made me realize that life is worth living, and I hadn’t been doing that this entire summer. And I realized that I wasn’t promised tomorrow, so I better tell Jayce how I feel.”

  “Every time I close my eyes to sleep, all I can see is you falling into the water and then finding you unconscious.” She took in a breath. “I just want to make sure that if I did anything to make you do that, that I should tell you I’m sorry.”

  “It was an accident.”

  She raised her eyebrows like she didn’t believe the statement.

  “Seriously. I was grief-stricken, but I’ve never been suicidal. Trust me, I don’t want to die.” Changing the subject, I asked, “Where were you when I fell?”

  “Bottom deck. I was leaning against the railing, trying to compose myself after seeing my dad with your mom. Which, by the way, I think I sort of jumped to conclusions on that one.”

  “Me too.”

  “Yeah, I sent you down there on purpose.”

  “I know.”

  “That’s why when I saw you fall, I felt so guilty. I didn’t even think twice. I just took off my heels and jumped in after you.”

  “That was a dangerous decision. Not that I don’t appreciate it.”

  “I heard a lot of yelling above me, and as I took off my shoes, I told Paige who was with me to tell them to turn the yacht around and get the inflatable boat ready. I was pretty confident that they’d come after us.”

  “It was brave, and I’m grateful. And I think the Coast Guard needs someone like you.”

  “So, we’re cool?”

  “We’re cool,” I said, then without thinking, I hugged her. “Thanks. I think you’re pretty awesome.”

  She gave a small laugh and awkwardly patted my back. “Okay, don’t get too mushy.”

  I released her. “When you’re done with boot camp, let me know. I want to take you out to lunch. Or something. Maybe go shopping.”

  “Now that I won’t say no to.”

  We began walking toward the cabin. When we got to the boardwalk, Heather said, “I’m going to head back to the yacht. But I’m glad we talked. Kind of makes me wish we’d gotten to know each other this summer.”

  “Me too,” I said. “But I love writing. Maybe I’ll send you letters while you’re away.”

  “Don’t get weird on me.”

  “Too late for that.”

  Heather waved good-bye and started walking the boardwalk toward the north end.

  “Well?” Jayce asked. “Are you two cool?”

  “I think so,” I said, meeting him on the deck. I sat across from him and smiled. “This feels a little strange.”

  “How so?”

  “I’m looking at you as more than just my friend. It’ll take some getting used to.”

  Jayce took my hands in his. “Well, I’ve fantasized so much about it, I feel more blessed relief than anything.”

  I laughed, feeling completely light from the heavy weight of gloom I’d been under for so long. Now I felt happy. Deliriously happy. “I have to tell you something because I can’t keep it to myself. You’ll think I’m crazy, but I’ll take my chances.”

  “Go for it.”

  “When I fell in the water something completely bizarre happened. I woke up to this summer. All over again.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I fell off the yacht, blacked out, and when I opened my eyes, it was the first day of summer. My brain took me back. I can’t explain it, but Jayce, it happened.” I knew it still sounded far-fetched, but I had to tell someone. I knew Jayce would be by my side, even if he thought I was nuts.

  “That is crazy,” he said. “You must have hit your head pretty hard.”

  I shrugged. “I know. I can’t explain it. But I had a second chance to re-do it, and it turned out so different.”

  “This same exact summer? Here at the yacht club?”

  “Yep. You worked at the concessions stand. We were at this cabin.”

  “How’d it turn out different?”

  “I changed things up. I didn’t sit around moping. You and I hung out a lot. I dated Lucas for a little bit. You dated Maddie. I was having horrible nightmares…it was unbelievable.”

  “You dated Lucas?”

  “Yes. For a little while.”

  “I dated Maddie?”

  “That’s all you got out of what I just said?”

  “That’s funny. I dated her a little bit this summer, but she seemed a little too consumed with Lucas and the Fairchild’s.”

  “Yeah, I know all about that.”

  Jayce shook his head. “That must have been a powerful hallucination or something.”

  “Maybe,” I said, thinking about it. I still couldn’t figure out what the do-over was all about. And here I sat, back in reality. Could it have been a powerful hallucination? “It was so real.”

  “Well, the impact of the water knocked you out. Maybe in your subconscious, you were reliving how you’d have wanted the summer to be.”

  “I don’t know. I wish I had an explanation, but I’ll have to accept the fact that the do-over must have happened in my head. It had to be something within my mind. Which sucks.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I had worked at the Boardwalk restaurant and had s
aved a bunch of money. It bums me out that it didn’t really happen.”

  “You worked at the restaurant? Man, your brain took you on a trip!”

  “I know, right? It was so real, Jayce. I felt like I lived through it. Oh, and get this, I started writing my Dad’s fifth novel.”

  “I’ve been trying to get you to write that these last couple of months.”

  “I know. And I took your advice in my do-over, and I had written like 170 pages. But not in reality.”

  “So? Start writing it now. You know the story’s in you.”

  “True. It was a good story too.”

  “Listen, out of all of this, you got your memories back. I think that’s incredible. And a gift.”

  “You’re right.” I leaned forward, enjoying the closeness, basking in my newfound feelings. “In the do-over, I realized my feelings for you. So, there’s that.”

  “Then I’m mighty grateful for the do-over.”

  “You kissed me then. Maybe it was my subconscious always wanting you to kiss me, so it played out a cool story where it came true.”

  “Maybe. But that’s something that can happen in reality right now.”

  And out on the deck, under the stars, we kissed again. And at that moment, I didn’t care if the do-over only happened in my mind. If it made me realize my feelings and if it brought me out of my scared little shell of a life, then I could only be grateful for such a powerful experience.

  25

  I peeked open one eye, and then the other. Bright light. Ugh…

  For a moment, I was confused. What was my reality?

  When my eyesight adjusted, I saw I was still in the cabin’s bedroom. I brought up the blankets, threw them over my head, and found myself falling back to sleep. Oh yes, this was nice. No more water nightmares for me. And I smelled bacon, and I was okay with that.

  “Brooke!” Mom called. “Come get some breakfast! It’s almost ten in the morning! And we need to be leaving soon.”

  I stretched, feeling completely refreshed. I hadn’t slept that well in a long time. Well, not if the do-over wasn’t real. I paused my stretching and stared at the ceiling. It perplexed me. I agreed with Jayce that there was no other explanation. A person doesn’t live through two realities. But my brain didn’t want to accept that. I had lived through this summer. Twice. How could that happen when I was in the water for not even a few minutes?