Marissa rubbed her face. “Not sad, pensive. Well, maybe a little sad but not much.”
“You can go if you want to. Marcus will drive me back.”
“You know what? I think I will. Thanks Chip and please thank Marcus for me and tell him I’ll consider what we talked about,” she picked up her jacket and said, “I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”
Once she got to her car, she realized she actually felt worse than she thought. There were too many possibilities, too many choices and at the same time too many limitations. Instead of feeling strong and sure of herself, she felt weak. She looked at the clock. It was a few minutes past midnight. It’s too early to go home now, she thought.
And before she knew it, she was driving toward Nick’s house making bargains with herself and excuses as to why she was going there. “I’ll only go up to his door if the lights are on,” she told herself. Or, “I’ll only stay five minutes.”
Then when she saw that the lights were on, she ran up to the door, knocked softly and waited to see his silhouette outside the window. Her heart pounded faster as he opened the door and said in total surprise, “Marissa!”
She looked at him apologetically and said, “Nick I really needed to see you. I’m sorry. I’ve had a really crappy day.”
He didn’t say another word but opened the door wider and stepped aside to let her in.
This time no cold greeting awaited her. In smooth coordination, they embraced one another, kissed passionately, and then embraced again. No words were spoken. Quietly, serenely, he led her to his room. She found comfort in the warmth and the stillness of the room, of the moment. The touch, the understanding, and motion all came together in a symphony of passion. Then the tingling sensation and the fluidity of movement brought them in unison to a place only they could comprehend. This outpouring of love, strengthened them, and made them feel whole. Until once more, they parted company with uncertainty of when they may touch again.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Dearest Marissa,
I can only think of our latest meeting as a display of obsession. Have we no self-control? Is it so hard to imagine that we cannot keep our promises to ourselves and do things for the right reasons? Only a handful of weeks remain during which we need to remain separate so we can begin again on the right foot and set our relationship right. And again we fall.
Why is it so hard for me to not think about you? I spend my time consumed with thoughts of you and us. Is this healthy? Why is this attraction so strong? I have no answers for you today, my love, only questions.
N.
Every declaration of love was a point for the winning team in Marissa’s eighteen- year old romantic mind. She knew what he felt because she felt it too. But she would back up and give him space lest she scare him off yet again.
Dear Nick,
Don’t you ever read romance novels? Couples in love react in strange ways. I don’t think it’s obsession, it’s love and passion. It’s the butterflies in the stomach whenever the other is near. It’s the dreaming and envisioning what it will be like when you see that person again. It is the bounce that comes to your step when your mind wanders to a place where that person is present. That’s normal. But I will be more careful about overstepping my boundaries next time. Like you said, “just a few more weeks.”
Love,
Marissa
She knew the letter was a little short and she had a lot more to say to him but she was expected at her mother’s house for Easter Sunday. It was dreadful to think she had to spend the entire day with the person she loathed the most, but her father had made her see that spending time with family was not always pleasant but sometimes necessary. Besides, it would not be just Barbara. Pamela would be there along with a whole slew of her crazy relatives from her mother’s side of the family. So instead of getting nervous and upset, she decided to take the Zen way. She would be as helpful as possible the entire day and not think of that fact that she was bothered or even bored stiff. Thus, by keeping busy in the kitchen, she might actually enjoy herself.
Busying herself included doing all of the menial tasks that Barbara never took the time to do. For when she got there, she realized how much work remained before the guests arrived at two o’clock. Barbara, in a frenzied state, was already buzzing about giving orders left and right. Pamela was running to and fro, trying hard to fulfill her mother’s requests. Marissa came in the midst of it all and felt the tension surround her. “Happy Easter guys,” she called out into the kitchen.
“Marissa would you mind vacuuming the living room?” requested her mother.
Marissa shrugged, grabbed the vacuum and joined the stress fest. After polishing the silver, dusting, sweeping and mopping, Marissa and Pamela stood around the counter to peel potatoes.
Pamela spoke in a low voice so as not to arouse the curiosity of their mother, “So how have you been doing since the rejection letter from UCLA?”
“Man, that was hard to take,” Marissa admitted. “In a way, I was prepared for rejection but another part of me hoped I would be admitted anyway. But some good came out of it.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “I got to see Nick a few days ago at his place.”
“How did that happen?” Pamela asked with interest.
“Well I was really depressed about UCLA and California and everything. So I left The Shelter early and went to see Nick,” Marissa explained quietly.
“Was he mad?”
“I don’t think so. Well, he certainly didn’t act it then. But we, well, uh you know. And he was a little bummed that we had no self-control.”
Pamela’s eyes widened, “So what are you going to do?”
“About Nick?”
“No. About college.”
Marissa face drooped. “Oh, I really don’t know. I’m having a tough time deciding what I want.”
“Did I hear you say college?” asked Barbara trying to eavesdrop.
“No!” Marissa answered annoyed.
“Well, what have you decided about college?” her mother pried.
“I have no idea,” Marissa answered. “Maybe I’ll go join the Peace Corps.”
“The Peace Corps!” exclaimed Barbara.
“Just kidding Mom.”
“Oh, well that’s good, because I’ve already sent in the deposit for State college.
“You what?” Marissa yelled.
“I wanted to make sure they saved your spot,” said Barbara. “Besides, a partial scholarship is nothing to shake a stick at.”
“But I don’t want to go to State!” Marissa shouted in exasperation.
“Well, it doesn’t look like you have much of a choice,” snapped Barbara.
“Ugh! Why does it not matter to you what I want?”
“Because I think you hardly know what you want, chasing after older men and all.”
Now Barbara was jabbing her on purpose. She was letting her know that she knew about Nick without really telling her. And that comment made Marissa fume. She dropped her potato ready to grab her purse and leave when Pamela intervened.
“Guys. It’s Easter. Will you calm down just for today? Then you can pick up your fight later. We’ve got people coming in one hour,” Pamela reasoned.
Begrudgingly, and without knowing why, Marissa picked up the potato and resumed her peeling while Barbara left the room to take a shower.
When her mother was safely under running water Marissa muttered, “I hate that woman!”
Pamela mouthed to her sister, “So she knows about Nick?”
“I’m afraid so,” Marissa answered gravely.
“What has she said to you?”
“Nothing until now. She doesn’t even know that I know that she knows.”
“What?” Pamela whined in confusion.
“Never mind. It’s too complicated.”
“What’s too complicated?” yelled Barbara from the bathroom.
“Does she have supersonic hearing or what?” Pamela wondered out loud.
One
by one, Marissa’s crazy relatives filtered into the tiny kitchen. If Marissa had to think about being an observer and describe each person to a complete stranger, she could not depict a single one of them as normal. They all had some sort of major flaw. Her grandfather drank too much and her grandmother had clinical depression. One uncle had done jail time for going off the deep end, taking a gun and shooting randomly. Another uncle preached verses of the Bible to anyone who would listen. And a third, who smoked like a fiend, just burped and farted whenever he got the chance. One of her aunts had gotten so poor that she was found eating dandelions in her front yard and was once arrested for stalking her ex-boyfriend. And when they all came together, their abnormalities were magnified as they tried to share their different points of view. Marissa found them to be so absurd that she couldn’t relate to them in the least. At every family gathering, it surprised her again and again that they were even related. Pamela, of course, shared her point of view. So most of the time during family gatherings, they would find refuge in the bedrooms or find an excuse to take a walk to the park.
Every holiday, they could predict that their mother would be late with dinner and break down crying from the stress of it all. And every holiday their predictions were correct. This time was no exception.
They had just gotten the table set to serve dinner at seven o’clock, for a dinner that was supposed to be served at five. The girls had decided they would cook something fancier than the traditional baked ham for Easter. They had chosen a recipe of Phylo dough baskets filled with chicken, tomatoes, mozzarella and basil topped with a cream sauce. The smoking, flatulent uncle took one look at it and said ungratefully, “What’s that thing that looks like barf? We waited two extra hours for this! Where’s the ham?”
Marissa mouth dropped open.
Barbara, of course, began to cry. “It’s not my fault that dinner’s two hours late. I don’t get enough help around here.”
Pamela looked at her sister in disbelief. They had both helped their mother the entire day. But since there was so much cleaning to do, they hadn’t started the cooking until late in the day.
Marissa spooned the chicken into her uncle’s Phylo dough basket and with forced kindness she said sweetly, “Why don’t you just try it? It’s really good.” But inside she was thinking, That unappreciative prick!
Halfway through dinner, when Grandpa was helping himself to his fifth or sixth drink, the guests heard an unexpected knock on the door. “I’ll get it!” Marissa shouted over the blaring debates about monster trucks and trailer clubs.
Marissa threw her napkin on the table and rolled her eyes at her sister while laughing at the ridiculous conversations around her. She ran toward the door half expecting to see another bizarre relative she had forgotten about, perhaps one that had just escaped from a mental hospital or something. Instead she flung open the front door and saw Daniel.
“Daniel!” Marissa gasped.
He leaned against the door. “Hey Mariss!”
She took a step back. Upon seeing him for the first time in more than eight months, her heart almost stopped.
Daniel stood on the porch and swayed back and forth. “Can you come out for a bit?” He asked sheepishly. “Or are you with somebody?”
Marissa stared at him for a minute trying to get over the shock. Then she remembered what Steve had said at the bar. She drew in a deep breath. “Uh, no. I mean, I’m with plenty of people but just my crazy relatives, as you know. Um, we’re not done with dinner but I’ll come. Let me go tell Barbara. Stay here.”
Still in a daze, she made her way back into the kitchen, grabbed her purse and said, “Mom, I’m going to go out for a while. Daniel’s here.”
Barbara looked up from her plate miffed and confused, “You what? You’re leaving? Who’s here?”
“Daniel, Mom, Daniel. You know my boyfriend? The guy I went out with for two years? The one who moved to California? The one who you called and chewed out for no good reason at all? That Daniel. Listen. I’ll be back later to help you clean up.”
Marissa leaned over to Pamela and whispered, “Sorry, I’m leaving. Good luck!”
And with those words, she left, leaving Barbara speechless.
“Can we take your car?” asked Daniel shyly. “Steve just dropped me off here.”
Marissa looked around realizing he was right. “He did? That’s kind of rude. What if I hadn’t been here?”
“Marissa, your mom wouldn’t let you go anywhere but her house on a holiday would she? I haven’t been gone that long.”
Still staring at him as if she were dreaming she said, “When did you get here?”
“This morning. I took the red eye last night. I just had to see you first. I think we have some unfinished business to discuss,” he said pulling his jean jacket tighter around him. “Man, it’s cold here.”
“Sorry, let’s get in the car.” Marissa unlocked the car. Daniel got into the passenger seat taking the pack of Marlboros out of his pocket. He opened it and held it toward her. “Do you want one?”
“Uh, no thanks. I quit.”
Daniel placed a cigarette between his lips. “You’re kidding me right?”
“No, I’m afraid not,” Marissa said glancing over at him. He was really there next to her looking as tan and as sexy as ever. How many times had she dreamed of seeing him again when she was still in love. How many tears had she shed because of his absence. And now he was there, sitting right beside her.
He lit his cigarette and leaned back to look at her. “God Marissa, you look great.”
She smiled, “I was just thinking the same thing about you.”
They sat for a few moments absorbing one another.
Marissa broke the silence first. “So where should we go?”
“Let’s go to the park around the corner,” Daniel suggested.
“O.K.,” she hesitated, “but it’s getting dark.”
“It’s alright we can sit in the car and talk.”
Seeing him again brought back a flood of memories. It was incredible to be so close, yet so distant at the same time.
As soon as she parked, Daniel turned to her and asked her the question that had been burning in his mind. “Are you still seeing that other guy?”
Marissa looked down at her feet. She didn’t want to talk to him about Nick. It felt too awkward, “Yeah, sort of.”
Daniel took a drag of his cigarette. “What does ‘yeah, sort of’ mean?”
“It’s really complicated Dan.”
“Do you still love him?” he questioned.
“Daniel!” she screamed bothered by his question.
“Do you Mariss? I’ve gotta know. Do you still love this guy?” Daniel pleaded.
She refused to look at him and mumbled, “Yes.”
“I figured that since you never called and you never wrote back.”
Marissa spurted out. “Dan, I meant to write you back. I just didn’t know what to say. I felt really bad about the break up and all. But you have to remember, you hurt me as well.”
Now it was his turn to look down in shame. “I know. I’m sorry.” He then decided to change the subject. “Did you get accepted to UCLA?”
“No. And I’m totally bumming about it.”
“You can come out anyway. I’ll help you get situated. You can go to community college and reapply next year as a California resident. It’ll probably increase your chances of getting in.”
Marissa became serious. “I don’t know. I’m not really sure what I’m going to do.”
Daniel turned to face her. “Marissa, you’ve been wanting to go to California ever since I met you. Why are you hesitating? Do what I did, just jump at the chance and go.”
“Maybe I’m not as brave as you. I’m afraid of not making enough money and never going to college. That’s not what I want. My parents are going to cut me off if I go to California.”
“Marissa, I made it. If I did it, you can,” Dan tried encouragingly. When he saw she wasn’t budgi
ng, he gently put his hand on her thigh. “Look, we can start over if you come out there Mariss. I know I was a mess last summer but I’ve changed. I’m enrolled in the police academy; I have a better outlook on life. We were going to start a family together.”
Seeing Daniel now confused her even more about her future. His love for her had never been conditional. He had never tried to push her away like Nick did. He was making a declaration of love once again, even after time apart, hurtful words and actions. He would give himself to her completely and she knew it. But even in that moment of truth, nothing could change the way she felt about Nick.
“Daniel, God knows I’ve loved you. You were my first love. We shared so much together. But I really think moving out there now, with no college in sight, wouldn’t be good for me. Heck, I don’t think I know what’s good for me now but I’ve got to figure it out. And by going back in time and trying to fix our old relationship, I might lose sight of what’s good for me.”
The boy she loved so much at one time looked down disappointedly, “It’s him, isn’t it? He’s the reason you won’t move.”
Marissa took in a deep breath. “He’s one of the reasons, Dan, but not the only reason. I really want to move away from my parents and I don’t want to stay here or go to State. Nick, the guy I’m seeing, doesn’t want a commitment anyway. So I’m kind of stuck.”
Daniel ran his fingers through his dark wavy hair. “Well, if you change your mind, please let me know.”
She leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. He grabbed her face and kissed her passionately on the lips. It felt good and wild to be kissing him again. It was delightful and familiar like wearing a comfortable shirt. Strange Love by Depeche Mode played on the radio. Reluctantly she pulled away. “We can’t. It’ll just muddle things up.”
He looked at her longingly. “But don’t you want to?”
“Of course I want to. That felt wonderful and familiar. But it wouldn’t be fair to you if I’m with you now and then I go back to Nick.”
Forbidden Fruit: An Unlikely Love Story Page 25