If Love Were By Design

by Lacy Kinsley

  “We can go to bed, too.” He hinted with a smile. “I can be quiet if you can.”

  “We don’t have a condom!” She asserted.

  “So, we’ve had sex before without one. Neither one of us seem to care about the consequences of it.” He asked, “But you are now?”

  “I think I’ll read. You can watch television if you want. It won’t bother me.” She said and went into their room. She got into her pajamas.

  “Want to talk about it?” He asked while leaning against the closet door.

  “Talk about what?” She asked.

  “What you’ve been thinking about since they’ve got here. Since our little joke backfired.” He replied.

  “I’m fine. I just don’t feel like sex.” She lied. She got into bed, and then retrieved the book out of her nightstand table. She had got it ages ago and had yet to crack it open. She lay on her stomach to read. William got in his pajama pants and lay next to her. He put his arm around her and rested his head on a pillow.

  “It’s okay. I don’t expect you to marry me June fourth. I’ll tell her it was a joke, or that we want to push it out so we can plan a nice big wedding. I won’t rush you.” William declared.

  She looked at him, nodded, gave a small smile and said, “Okay.” She didn’t know why she was so bothered by the sudden changes of a fictitious wedding, and kids in the house. She tried to push her fear aside.

  “We can go slow. I don’t need to marry you next year, either. And we don’t have to have kids right away. So, don’t freak out.” He pleaded. “Okay?”

  “Okay.” She said.

  “So, are you going to keep reading that?” He asked.

  “Yeah.” She said. “I need a distraction to get over it. But, I’ll be fine. Honest.”

  “I’ll distract you.” He said. He took her book, closed it, and then pulled her on top of him. He kissed her, and as he did he lifted the hem of her shirt.

  “You’re always ready.” She teased him and laughed. He pressed against her. His hands went up her shirt.

  “I know you’re naked under here.” He said with a smile.

  “I’m always naked under my clothes.” She laughed.

  “Which explains why I’m always ready.” He laughed. He was about to take her shirt off but the door opened and hit the wall with a loud thud. They jumped, and Veronica threw herself off him. “Cleo! Claudette!” William gasped. He sat up. “What are you two doing?”

  “We want to sleep in here.” Claudette said. She crawled up onto the bed with her lamb, blanket and pillow. “Mom lets us. We’re allowed.”

  “Yes.” Cleo said in agreement.

  “Um, that isn’t my rule.” William said.

  “No, it’s fine. Girls, you’re in the middle.” Veronica contradicted him. They quickly found themselves a spot to lie down and pulled the blankets up.

  “Veronica, we were . . .” William protested.

  “Done.” She said finishing his sentence.

  CHAPTER THIRTY–SIX

  Veronica felt terrible. The entire weekend she was on edge with William. Not that she meant too, but her bad mood was always at the forefront. She didn’t know why she was so upset, because she loved William. She wanted to marry him and have kids with him—eventually. She kept reminding herself, “It’s probably different when they’re your own, so don’t sweat it. You’re not giving birth tomorrow. You’re fine!” To lighten her anxiety she decided to take a shower at the exact time she knew Nora was picking up the girls. She knew Nora would ask her how the girls were or something to the effect of how she managed, and of course they were great, but she didn’t want to show her hesitation. So she hid in the shower and didn’t get out until she was a prune and the water ran cold. She dressed, and as she did she could hear William and Nora in the other room. It was only mumbling, but it was enough to let her know to stay in the room. She dressed in pajama pants and tank top. Then she lay on the bed and waited for Nora to leave. However, she didn’t for another half hour.

  The moment the condo was quiet, William walked back to the room. She sat up in the bed and when he opened the door he smiled at her. “There you are.” He said. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. Fine.” She was, now that they were gone. She smiled happily.

  “Oh, good.” He said and came into the room. “You had me worried.” He laughed, but still sounded tense. “Why didn’t you come out?” She shrugged. He walked over to her side of the bed, and sat. “Was it that bad?” He asked and smiled.

  “No.” She said. “Except for them coming in when we were about to . . .”

  “I know.” He laughed. He tucked her hair behind her ear. “But we’re alone now. We could forget about it, and I’ll get you in the mood to try it again.”

  “We didn’t get condoms. I’m not sleeping with you anymore without them.” She vowed.

  “Oh.” He uttered with a nod. “Okay. I’ll go to the store.”

  “Now?” She asked.

  “Yeah.” He said.

  “And you can’t put one on half way through, because we forget.” She insisted.

  “Okay.” He said again and nodded.

  “Because I’m starting to think you’re trying to get me pregnant.” She said.

  “What?” He blinked. “You can’t be serious. I don’t want you pregnant until you’re ready, and preferably not until we’re married. I mean that!” He looked down, “But okay, I’ll admit it does turn me on to think I might be.” He quickly added, “And that you let me or you have been. I always ask you if you want me to pull out and you always say no.” He took a deep breath, “You’re not on birth control, and I know it. I have this crazy desire to release in you, yes, but I’m not trying to get you pregnant. Obviously, I know it can happen—but I’m not trying. I can’t help it turns me on to think about what I’m doing.” He shook his head. “I’m not even explaining this well.”

  “I have no idea how to respond to that.” She said.

  “I don’t blame you.” He paused. “All I know is that I love you. And I won’t do it anymore. Now that I know you feel this way. I don’t want you pregnant right now. We’re not married. You’re clearly not ready.”

  “Why, because this weekend I wasn’t a perfect mother to your nieces?” She snapped.

  “No, because you’re freaking out about this.” William said. “I’ll go to the store.” He stood. “Right now.”

  “I’m not freaking out. If anything, I’m pretty calm considering that my boyfriend is telling me it turns him on to think he might be getting me pregnant.” Veronica asserted.

  “Fiancé.” He corrected her.

  “Just go.” She said as she rolled her eyes.

  “Okay.” He left the room. She heard him leave not three minutes later.

  Veronica was so upset she was shaking. She hadn’t realized how upset she was until that moment, but it felt like everything was piling up too quickly for comfort. This weekend had been stressful. It had never been clearer to Veronica how much of a difference seven years could make. They were in two very different places: no matter how much she tried to enjoy the idea of a fast marriage and quickly have kids, it wasn’t what she wanted. He didn’t want to wait seven years for her to catch up to him, either. She couldn’t ask him to. There was a possibility that he would end up resenting her, feeling he wasted time waiting for her.

  Veronica took a deep breath. It was obvious what she had to do. It was only the matter of strength to do it. She loved him. There was no question about that. However, it was best to end it, before their differences grew and drove them apart. She never rushed into anything, and love was definitely having her blindly move forward these last few months, but this weekend proved she still needed time!

  With some thought she decided it was best to first make him dinner, and while they ate they could talk. She went into the kitchen and started to make chicken casserole with white cheese and broccoli. She had the casserole in the oven when he came home. She felt like crying the moment she saw
him, knowing what she was going to do.

  “There. It will never happen again.” He said after taking a box into their bedroom. “Are you mad at me?”

  “No, not mad.” She said. She was devastated and sad. The last thing she wanted was for it to end, but Veronica knew problems like these don’t go away.

  “You look upset. Babe, why are crying?” He asked. He drew her into a hug.

  Their talk couldn’t wait until dinner. “I think . . .” Instantly tears were falling from her face. She loved him so much. It hurt her to think about what she was about to do it him. She tried to push all thoughts from her mind, but one stubbornly remained. She didn’t want to break up with him, nor did she have the strength to do it. After all, she loved him and wanted to be with him. She struggled to get the words out. It took her a while to say, “I think you . . . should move . . . back to your place.”

  “Why?” He asked in a tone that begged her not to request it of him.

  Veronica wished he hadn’t asked her. She didn’t think she could say everything on her mind. It took her a while to say it, but she pushed on trying not to think about what she was doing, and what it truly meant. “We’re simply in two very different places.” She cried. “This isn’t going to work.” Her tears were falling quickly. It shocked Veronica how hard it was to say the words. Each word was a battle to get passed her lips. Truthfully, she didn’t want him to leave. She didn’t want tonight to be the last time she ever saw him. Yet she continued, “You’re older—of course you’re ready. But I’m not. This weekend proved it; I’m not ready for this. I won’t be for a long time.”

  “You’re . . . breaking up with me?” He asked. He let go of her and took a large step backward. He looked scared. She had never seen him so scared. It was enough to fill her with fear. She cried seeing his pain.

  The words couldn’t come out of Veronica’s mouth. She had to nod. The moment she did she broke down, and put her hands over her face. She couldn’t look at him knowing how much it was devastating him. Taking off her ring was the hardest thing she ever had to do, but she took it off and held it out for him. She blinked out tears. He threw his hands up in the air and said he didn’t want it. She eventually set it on the counter.

  “Please, don’t do this, Babe! Please, don’t! Please! I don’t have to marry you right now. I can wait. I can! I want to be with you—that is all I want.” He added, “Okay, I’ve been stupid. I was patient with you in the beginning. I took my time to get to know you. You have to believe I’ll be patient and wait for you again. As long as you stay with me . . . you’re scaring me. Please, don’t do this!”

  “I don’t want you to waste years of your life on the off chance that five years from now you won’t resent me for not marrying you sooner or giving you kids. You’re great with Claudette and Cleo! I love that about you! I love you. You want kids. But we’re years apart, and so are our wants. You don’t want to wait for me. I don’t want you to wait for me. You’ll resent me in the end.” She said.

  “I won’t resent you!” He retorted. “I want to be with you. I love you! That’s all I want. I won’t ask for anything more.”

  “This isn’t easy for me, William! I love you, too, I do. But I’m not ready, and you are. I know you want to get married and have kids. But that scares me! So let’s cut our losses before we can’t get out, and you end up hating me because I can’t give you what you want. I can’t live with the idea of you hating me. I love you too much for you to think ill of me. That would hurt too much.” She cried. “I love you too much. I don’t want this to be the end. I don’t. But you’ll resent me.”

  “I don’t want out. I already can’t get out! Please don’t do this. Please. I’m begging you, Veronica. I love you. I don’t want to live without you. And from the sound of it, you don’t want to live without me, either!” He added, “I’ll take you to the doctor Monday and we’ll get you on birth control. I won’t breathe a word about marriage and I’ll wait for you to say you’re ready, and if you never are I’m okay with that, too. Lots of people never get married, or wait ten, fifteen years. I’ll do that! You can wear the ring on the wrong hand for all I care, or not at all. But don’t . . . don’t kick me out. Don’t break up with me.” He pleaded with her. He was close to tears as he did.

  “I’m sorry.” She apologized hyperventilating. “This isn’t easy for me. I still love you.”

  “I love you, too.” He said quickly. He stepped toward her, and then kissed her. She started to sob. It was the most painful kiss of her life. She didn’t want it to be the last kiss, but that’s what it felt like. “You can’t not kiss me!” He stressed with a shaky voice. She could see tears in his eyes; it was hard to know she was causing them. “Kiss me!” He demanded. “Kiss me! If you love me at all you have to kiss me.”

  “You’re making this hard, William.” She choked on her tears. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Then kiss me!” He said. He cradled her neck in his palm. He kissed her. For a moment she hesitated and cried. She was scaring both of them. Her resolve to leave was quickly melting away. Then she touched his tongue with hers as tears rolled down her cheeks. Everything was confusing her. She wanted him, loved him, but she shouldn’t be kissing him. However, she didn’t stop.

  He picked her up and carried her to the room, and then put her on the bed. He crawled next to her, and then hugged her as they kissed. He rolled her on top of him. She let him undress her, and then she watched as he undressed. The entire time they made love they told each other, “I love you,” and it had never felt more real.

  “That didn’t really work, did it?” She asked when they were lying in bed, with her head on his arm.

  “Yes, it did.” He said sounding uneasy.

  She took a deep breath. “What am I doing? I can’t believe I tried to break up with you! I can’t believe how scared I am. And most of all I can’t believe how much I love you!”

  “I know you’re scared, Babe. Don’t be. Please. All you’re doing is lying here with me, and nothing more.” He put his arm around her possessively. He added, “Don’t try to break up with me, anymore. Please. That scared me. I can’t live without you. I don’t want to!”

  “I don’t want to either, but I’m scared, and . . .” He interrupted her with a kiss.

  “Babe, stop! Marriage and kids can wait, and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t even need to have kids. It’s not a deal breaker for me. We have Hope and she’s a kid enough.” He said quickly. “So let’s not talk about it, anymore.”

  “Promise me?” She asked. “Promise you won’t resent me!”

  “Babe, I mean it. I won’t! I just want to be with you. All I want is you.” He said. “So let’s stop talking about it.”

  The following morning, they pretended nothing had happened. Veronica put her ring back on, and although he noticed, he said nothing about it. They went to work as usual. And like clockwork he came home at seven except that he had flowers. And even though they didn’t talk about it, Veronica was still confused. She didn’t understand why the other day she was so emotional about kids or marriage. Today she was fine. She wanted to apologize for trying to end it, but didn’t know what to say. The idea of breaking up with him seemed impossible, and she couldn’t believe she even thought of it. It hurt him, and she knew it. When she took the red roses and white lilies from him, she smiled, kissed him, and said, “I don’t deserve these, but thank you.”

  “What do you mean?” William asked.

  She looked at him. “I don’t know what happened last night. But I was a total jerk. I’m over it, though. I’m sorry I did that.” It was a lame attempt to say what she was truly feeling. “I’ll never do that again.” She gave him back the flowers. “So, these should be for you.”

  He smiled. “I got them for you.” He put the vase on the table, and took a deep breath. “I can breathe again, if you’re saying you’re not still thinking about leaving me.”

  “Yes, that’s what I’m saying. I
can’t believe I thought I could.” She said.

  He gave her a pained smile that was more from relief. “Thank goodness.” He hugged her, and then kissed her. “So, you’re still in love with me?”

  “I am, and I won’t deny it.” She said. He smiled, recognizing his own words to Aurora.

  “Good.” He said. They had dinner, watched a movie and when they were laying in bed William asked her, “So, let’s do something fun to get our minds off things. This weekend, Valentine’s Day, what do you want to do? We could go to my house instead of Paris.”

  “Yeah, that sounds fun.” She said. “Hope hasn’t been there.”

  “We could go up Friday night. Cause you’re not taking any time off this week, right?”

  “I wasn’t planning on it. I’ve already had a lot of time off. I have to make a pair of shoes by Friday, too and I’ve only begun.” Veronica said.

  “I’m swamped, too. I can’t take time off this week. That was why I was making sure. Ever since I fired Jim we’ve been short–handed. It’s hard finding a replacement, because he was talented and great at his job, but it wasn’t worth it with all his negativity. But I’m interviewing Carl Hawthorn, and he has an impressive resume. I think he might be perfect, actually. I’m interviewing him Thursday.”

  “This Thursday?” She asked.

  “Yes,” he said, “and Friday I have a big meeting at eleven—I can’t get out of it.”

  “No. I have a lot to do, as I said.”

  “Seriously, you’re the best girlfriend, Veronica. I like that you don’t care that I work a lot.” He said.

  “You really don’t. You’re always taking time off. It’s hard to keep up. I have to work twice as hard to take time off with my fiancé.” Veronica said. He smiled.