by Len Webster
The memories of their first date flooded his thoughts and his heart squeezed in both pain and relief.
I fell in love with her that night.
“You and me. Outside. Now!”
Noel heard the growl behind him. He closed his eyes tightly before he turned around. Noel knew what was coming and he would take it.
“Okay.” He nodded.
Alex pushed past him and stalked through the living room, surprising Keira and Clara.
“What's going on?” Keira asked, startled.
Noel followed Alex as he walked outside onto the porch. Noel's eyes met Clara's and he could see the fear in them. He didn't say anything to her as he walked of the house, down the steps and to the garden where Alex waited.
Alex balled his fists, his nose flared and Noel could see the rage in his eyes. Noel raised his hands up at Alex to signal he had no intentions of fighting. Noel heard the sound of rushing footsteps behind him.
“If you are going to hit me, do it now.” He didn't want either Keira or Clara to stop Alex.
“You… took…” Alex shook his head. Noel could tell he couldn't get a grip of the concept of him being Clara's first.
“Clara lost her virginity to me.”
That was all it took. The pure anger in Alex's eyes was evident before his fist made contact with Noel's cheek.
“Noel!” Clara shrieked.
His skin broke as blood started to seep out. He took two steps back as he recovered from Alex's punch, his hand touching over the open wound.
Clara was in his sights. There were tears in her eyes as she held onto his wrists. The blood dripped from his face to her hand, but she didn't notice.
“I'm so sorry,” she whispered as she let go off his wrist. Clara turned away from him and looked at her brother.
“Alex, what are you doing?”
“Step away from him, Clara.”
Clara shook her head. Noel stepped forward and took her hand.
“No!” she said firmly.
Alex didn’t flinch. His nostrils flared at her defiance. “Now, Clara! Step away from him. I will make you.”
“Al—”
Noel stepped forward, stopping Clara from continuing.
“Don't, Clara. I deserve it. It's been a long time coming,” he explained.
Clara looked up at him and she shook her head, causing tears to slide down her face. If he didn't have his left hand covering his cheek he would have brushed them away.
“He knows we slept together. I don't understand why he has to punch you.”
He squeezed her hand.
“Clara, he wasn't expecting that I would be the one to take your virginity.”
“Noel didn't take my virginity I gave it to him—willingly—I might add.” Clara let go of his hand and stepped forward to face her brother. “I fell in love with Noel. It wasn't just sex, believe me. I was the one who asked for it to happen, Alex. Don't blame Noel. I asked for him to be my first. I don't regret losing my virginity to him. I could have done a lot worse. Darren could have been my first.”
Just the mention of Darren's name had Alex unclenching his fists.
“You're right,” Alex said, conceding defeat. Alex stepped away from Keira and walked towards him.
“I'm sorry, Noel. I didn't expect you'd be the one to… You never want to know that your best friend deflowe—you know. For a second I saw you as the guy I went to Stanford with. The guy that treated women like they were dispensable. I know you’re not that guy anymore.” He gave Noel an apologetic-yet-strained smile. Alex held out his hand and Noel shook it with his blood-free hand.
Clara walked up to them both and stood in between them before she took Noel's hand. Her touch caused the warmth to return to his chest.
“Come with me,” she instructed.
Noel wiped the blood off his cheek and followed Clara into the house. She led him upstairs and to the first bathroom to their right. Noel walked into the middle of the light blue painted room. He turned to see Clara lock the door.
“I'm so sorry. Did he hurt you when he was in Boston?” Clara looked down and he noticed his blood still on her skin.
Noel stepped towards her and took her hands and shook his head. Clara smiled up at him and his heart stretched.
I love her smile.
“Sit on the bathtub and I'll clean you up.”
Noel followed her instructions and sat on the edge of the tub.
Clara turned and searched through the bottom of the sink cabinet. She stood up and had a bottle of rubbing alcohol in one hand and a bag of cotton balls in the other. She looked at him and frowned at the sight of the blood on his face.
Clara sat the bottle and bag on the counter. He smelt the strong rubbing alcohol as Clara poured it onto a cotton ball. His eyes never left those lips that formed a frown. She held the soaked cotton up to his cheek. Noel didn't care that it would burn like hell. He finally had her alone. Taking the opportunity that presented itself, he waited until her soft hand rested on his cheek, steadying his face. Before she was able to place the rubbing alcohol on his face, Noel raised his hand up to Clara's face and ran his fingertips along her cheeks several times. Feeling her heavy breaths hit his skin.
I can’t let her go.
“I'm leaving her, Clara,” he announced. He watched the surprise take her face.
Clara's hands left his face and she took a step back.
“Your what?”
“I'm leaving Andrea, Clara. And I need you to do the same.”
Her breathing came out in gasps as she quickly blinked at him. Clara’s lips parted, as she tried to comprehend what he just said. She turned and placed the cotton ball on the counter. Noel stood up off the bathtub, droplets of blood hitting the tiled floor.
“Clara, say something.”
She turned around to face him and shook her head.
“You want me to leave Liam?” It sounded unbelievable coming from her mouth.
“Yes,” he said as he took her hand. Noel's thumbs ran across her knuckles.
Clara took back her hand and looked down at her engagement ring. The pounding in her chest made its way to her eardrums. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to comprehend it all. With an exasperated sigh, she looked at Noel through blurry eyes.
“You want to leave Andrea?” she asked, needing him to repeat his intentions out loud.
“Yes, I want to be with you. I’ve only ever wanted to be with you, Clara.” The begging in his voice had her heart breaking.
Could I really just call off my engagement?
Clara looked at her engagement ring and then at Noel. He wanted her to make a choice but she couldn't.
“You have no idea how selfish you sound,” she cried. The tears started to fall as she realised just how hard this was for her.
“I know, but I can't do it anymore, Clara. I can't keep watching you be with him and the idea of you marrying him, it's wrong. Your forever was always meant to be with me.”
His words pierced her chest and she took a step back.
My forever… with Noel?
“You love Andrea. You wouldn't have sent me away the first time if you didn't. You wouldn't have been with her all this time or had her move in. You love Andrea. Please don't hurt her.”
Noel stepped forward and placed his hands on her hips and held her close to his body. His touch made her want to weep.
“We're hurting everyone by denying each other this. Choose me, Clara. Choose us,” he begged.
I spent ten months being Liam's. I can't break his heart.
“I—” she stuttered. “I need time, Noel. You’re asking a lot from me. I'm throwing away not only an engagement but also a marriage and a future. You can't expect an answer from me right now.”
Clara pushed off his body. There was too much to consider. The idea of a future with Noel gave her heart a burst of life but the reality of the idea sent her heart plunging.
Too many people will get hurt. I'll lose everything: Liam, Ally, CeC
e and the bakery. I'll lose them all.
“I can't give you an answer. I need time to think about this all. I'm supposed to be getting married. You have to understand why this is so hard for me.”
Noel's green eyes dulled as his face was consumed by pain.
“I know. I'll be waiting for you.” It sounded like a promise.
Clara swallowed hard. A broken Noel was one she didn't enjoy seeing. She pressed her lips firmly together and turned for the bathroom door. Clara resisted looking over her shoulder. She unlocked the door and stepped out of the bathroom.
I have to make a decision.
⌘
After Noel's declaration, Clara hid away in her bedroom. She ran through the pros and cons of leaving Liam and the only pro she could come up with was that she'd finally be with Noel. There was no Stevie or Annie to turn to for advice. Her calls to her best friends went unanswered. When she left the bathroom she heard nothing until the bathroom door closed and then the sound of Alex's car driving away. The only thing Clara heard next was the sound of Keira knocking on her door moments later. Keira wrapped her arms around Clara and hugged her while she silently cried.
It had been an hour since Keira left Clara alone. The sunset's rays pierced through the sheer curtains. She looked up at the ceiling as she lay in bed. She brought up her left hand and stared at her engagement ring. The way the diamonds sparkled in the sunlight reminded Clara of the moment he proposed. Liam's smile as he asked her to marry him and in that moment the sunset was perfect.
The bedroom door opened and Clara quickly propped herself up. Liam entered the room with a frown on his face. He walked towards her, climbed on the bed and sat in front of her. He kissed her forehead softly and it made her smile. The little things he did made her fall in love with him.
“Did you see Noel's face?”
Clara nodded and he took her hands.
“Apparently one of his junior accountants screwed one of Alex's accounts. Noel didn't look over the account or something and your brother punched him in the face.” Liam tensed once he spoke of her brother’s violent side.
Clara moved forward, removed her hands from his and placed them on his cheeks. “My brother takes his job seriously. He isn't going to punch you in the face because he knows it'll upset me.”
Liam's hands placed on top of hers. “He might when I tell you some news.”
Clara's left eyebrow shot upwards.
“I have to leave for Singapore tomorrow.”
Her hands moved from Liam's face and she got off the bed.
“Tomorrow?” she breathed.
“I'm sorry, Clara, but their impatient now and I want this deal wrapped up before the wedding,” he explained.
Liam moved towards the end of the bed and took her hands. Clara was disappointed; she wanted more time with Liam. If she were to go back to Melbourne their time would be limited together before the wedding. He reached for her hands and she let him take them. His thumb ran across her engagement ring and she smiled.
He’s loved me unconditionally for far longer than I’ve loved him.
“Come with me?” Liam asked.
Clara’s smile widened. It was the first time he had ever asked her to join him.
This will give me time.
“Okay. I've never been to Singapore before.”
The surprise on Liam's face had Clara kissing the tip of his nose.
“You really want to come? What about Alex?”
Clara untangled their hands and wrapped her arms around his neck. “I want to go with you. You're my fiancé and Alex will be fine.”
The smile on Liam's face had every doubt of hers fade away.
I want to make Liam happy.
“I'll book the tickets after I have a shower. I had no idea golf could be that difficult.” Liam's lips found hers and she realised that she would be happy with Liam for the rest of her life. As long as she made him happy, she would be content.
⌘
Every time she felt those green eyes glare at her, all she wanted to do was slip off her engagement ring and throw her arms around him. But that smile on Andrea's face as they held hands or kissed at the table had Clara stopping herself. So she kept her head down and her eyes away. It was better that way.
Seeing Noel every morning on that porch with a smile on his face broke her heart again and again. Clara looked up at the ceiling and closed her eyes tightly and imagined a life where Valerie or Sarah never got in the way. It was a life she wanted but was too scared to go out and fight for.
This time it wasn't just Alex she'd hurt if she pursued her feelings, it would be Liam and Andrea. Her eyes watered and she opened them to blink the tears away. Liam’s fingers moved across her stomach and she turned her head to face him. There was so much guilt welled up inside her, the constant pressure over took her body, making it hard to think clearly. A pressure that made it hard for her to breathe and hard to fight back the tears. Liam would die trying to make her happy.
Whatever I feel for Noel is the result of the memory of us. They’re just memories.
Clara turned her head to the right and saw the time on the clock. The sun was starting to rise and she could see the sky lighten through the thin shades of the window. As another minute ticked over Clara held her breath.
This would be a sunrise she'd miss with Noel. Yesterday was their last, she just never expected that she'd end what she felt like she needed. She rolled onto her side and ran her fingers along Liam's cheek. There was something making her stay.
The sound of footsteps outside the bedroom door had Clara's fingers stopping. The pacing stopped and she sat herself up and looked at the small gap the bottom of the door made. She saw the shadow of two feet and her stomach formed knots.
“Don't do this, Clara. Don't take this away from me. I'm sorry, I am so sorry. Damn it, if I have to break down this door and drag you out, then I will. You can't give me those mornings and take them away so suddenly. I need you, Clara.”
The begging in his voice had her pulling over the covers and walking towards the door. They weren't the three words she was hoping for, but it still made her heart dance. She still had to make a decision. Swallowing hard, Clara opened the door to find Noel standing there, his eyes watery with a sad heartbreaking smile. In his hand he held a single purple tulip.
“I love you, Clara Louise Lawrence. I love you.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Memories were the underlying demons of his soul. Every memory he ever had of Clara he cherished, but they were also his kryptonite. Nothing could ever hurt him the way she could. But nothing could ever mend him the way she could too. Noel had never known such heartache and loneliness until she walked away all those days and all those nights ago, days that turned into weeks and then months.
Noel stood at Clara’s bedroom door and stared at her, as he waited for her to speak. The pain in her eyes reminded him of the night of his brother’s wedding. It was the night Clara had given him back her locket and said goodbye.
Clara looked over her shoulder before she faced him. “Noel, please keep your voice down.”
“I love you,” he said in soft voice.
They weren’t the words she wants to hear, but I’ll be damned if I don’t fight this one last time.
The quick blinks and her heavy breathing didn’t stop him. Noel stepped forward and wondered if there was ever a chance left for them. Noel looked down at the purple tulip he picked from Keira’s garden. The small tulip was his symbol of hope. The innocent flower symbolised every ounce and every inch of his love for her.
A soft sigh from Clara had his eyes meeting hers. With a deep breath she asked, “You love me?”
His heart beat out of sync as he remembered Clara’s reaction to the first time he declared his love. His eyes never left hers as he cupped her face with his right hand.
All I have left is the truth. All we have that’s stopped us is the truth. The truth is both our beginning and our ending.
“Clara, I ne
ver, not once, stopped loving you. I lied to you. I shouldn’t have back in Boston, but I wanted you to be happy. I should have gone on my knees and I should have promised myself to you, forever. You, Clara Louise Lawrence, are the love of my life. You were then; you are now until forever. I’ve only ever loved you and I’ve been lying to myself by pretending that I don’t. I can’t love anyone else because letting you go haunts me. Letting you go was the worst decision I have ever made.”
Tears ran down Clara’s beautiful face. The burning in his chest intensified the moment her hand covered his. Clara’s lips formed a fine line as she closed her eyes tightly for a second. She opened them and her beautiful golden brown eyes saddened before him. Tears brimmed Clara’s eyes as she placed her right hand on Noel’s cheek. Her touch brought the tremors back and he couldn’t control his own tears from forming.
For now, I have to believe she still loves me. I have to help her find a way back to where she belonged, with me.
Clara’s thumb caressed his cheek and for the first time in a long time he had her back. Clara’s beautiful brown eyes spoke the words she couldn’t. This moment was theirs. Their past and their current circumstances didn’t stop this moment.
After a period of undeniable bliss, Clara let out a sigh and whispered, “You have the worst timing, Nolan Parker.”
Disappointment inflamed him as Clara’s touch left his. She looked up into his eyes as that hint of love slowly vanished behind a wall he knew she had built and guarded. Clara crossed her arms protectively over her chest. The apologetic smile that formed on her lips had Noel wincing. She took a small step to her left and leant on the door, giving him a peek into her room.
The first thing he noticed was Liam sleeping in between Clara’s sheets and then he saw the suitcases at the foot of the bed. Noel’s teeth clenched at the sight of her bags. He looked at Clara’s pained face. She was still as beautiful as ever, but the torment in her eyes certainly broke his heart.
“You’re leaving?” he asked once he formed words. He balled his right fist, but not his left for fear of crushing the delicate purple tulip.
Clara’s eyes fell to the floor for a second before she looked up at him and whispered, “Yes.”