Keeping Up Appearances

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “Sorry, last minute study. We, uh, got a little distracted,” he answered her as he dragged me to his usual desk, and I was sure I heard him wink.

  Meanwhile, I was willing my cheeks to not be as red as they felt and I didn’t look at anyone, merely stared at our clasped hands in front of me and really couldn’t comprehend that something so warm and weirdly comforting would be attached to the great arsehole who was pulling me along behind him.

  “Study? So, we shall see an improvement on your test today?” Madame Renoir asked with a hint of teasing in her tone and I was sure there were mutterings going around the classroom.

  He laughed as we sat down. “Not today. I only enlisted Holly’s help last week. And, I’ve a bit to learn about studying according to her.” There was that wink again. “Maybe next time, though.”

  “I look forward to it,” she chuckled and I wondered how it was that he got away with speaking to people like he was doing them a favour by just existing. “Now class, before our test…”

  As I put my books on the unfamiliar desk in front of me, I felt an arm around the back of my chair and he tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. I forced myself not to pull away so I didn’t look even stupider than I already did.

  “Well, that got a reaction,” he whispered in my ear and I forced myself not to look at Jason to see exactly what kind of reaction it was.

  Then, he kissed my cheek. As casual as you please!

  I felt my cheeks flame and heard him chuckle as he pulled away. I watched him find an empty page in his exercise book as though he hadn’t just made a very public display of affection with me.

  I, Holly Aberdeen, had been kissed – albeit on the cheek – by Xander Bowen.

  I felt like I needed a shower and an anti-bacterial scrub.

  Chapter Two

  Class continued on with not a lot of people paying attention to me sitting next to Xander past some staring and a little whispering.

  I was sure I felt Jason staring at me in shock, but I couldn’t look at him again. It wasn’t even that hard not to; just the thought of now seeing the face I’d dreamt about for so long made my eyes hot. Especially when I couldn’t stop picturing him kissing Nancy. At least, along with that thought, I also got angry with myself for reacting like such a pansy and that helped me keep the tears at bay.

  When the bell finally rang, I grabbed up my stuff and swept out of the room before anyone could stop me. How I thought I’d be able to avoid Jason or Nancy for the rest of the day when I was stuck in this veritable prison, I don’t know. But, I was going to take a red hot college try at it.

  I hurried to my locker, heedless of whether people were or weren’t staring. Given my luck, the whole school already knew about Xander’s little stunt. But in reality, it would take at least until about half-way through Recess before everyone found out that Jason Thomas’ best friend had been seen canoodling with his arch nemesis. I just had to hope that I could avoid all three of them until… Well, the end of time was preferable at this point.

  My heart thudded painfully in my chest as I grabbed my next books – as though putting off going to Math was going to help me face it when I finally got there. Finally, I slammed my locker closed and trudged to my classroom; this one I shared with Jason and Nancy.

  When I got to the room, Jason was sitting on the window sill and Nancy was between his legs. They were whispering something as Amy called something out to Jason. As he looked up to reply to her, he saw me and Nancy turned as well. The three of us froze when they saw me, which annoyed the kids following me into the room. But, my heart just looked at them with tears pouring down its little face and motioned people go around us. I took a seat on the other side of the room and waited for the teacher, wondering how we’d got ourselves into this whole mess.

  I mean, why was Jason feeling so awkward? As far as he knew, he’d hooked up with one of his best friends and just neglected to tell his oldest friend. How was that awkward for him? Other than the fact I couldn’t think of a single time in over ten years that Jason and I had ever hid something from each other. Well, there was the topic of the raging crush I’d had on him for about ten years… But, aside from that!

  Nancy bloody well better be feeling awkward; just yesterday she was encouraging me to declare my feelings for him… Like full on coaching me to use my best words and to smile prettily and not choke – she knew what I was like when it came to my crush for Jason. We’d gone through the exact speech like a hundred times and she’d told me she was sure he’d be reciprocal.

  But, then how did she know?

  What had they talked about behind my back?

  Oh my God, what did they talk about behind my back?

  Blood rushed to my cheeks as I wondered what she’d told him. If she’d told him! Had they been off making out this whole time? Hiding the fact they were together the whole time? Only stopping their make out sessions long enough to laugh at me behind my back because of my stupid crush?

  What else could it be?

  Why hadn’t they told me they’d hooked up?

  Nancy had had plenty of time to tell me the day before.

  Simple fact was; Jason must know everything. That had to be why they hadn’t told me. Jason knew and Nancy knew and they couldn’t tell me because they thought I’d make a scene.

  Well you sort of did, you idiot.

  Why else made sense?

  I had never felt so embarrassed or ashamed and my cheeks reminded me of that fact hotly. I knew it wasn’t my fault I’d fallen for Jason. But, maybe if I’d mooned over him less with Nancy, something – anything – would be different. They at least wouldn’t have hidden it from me and then I could have expected it. Wouldn’t have been completely sideswiped by it. Wouldn’t have gone mega freak-out, back-away-swiftly over it.

  Because I mean, what had they expected? Did they really think that they could date and I just wouldn’t notice? Was I such a poor, unfortunate wretch that I was to be pitied and treated like some idiot? Did over ten years of friendship with Jason and five with Nancy mean nothing?

  Okay, I was overreacting.

  I knew that.

  Rationally.

  Shame that emotions don’t often listen to reason then, isn’t it?

  I got through Math and Home Group in some kind of a blur, not really paying attention until someone knelt down beside me. I jumped as and I found my home group teacher, Mr Burnett, smiling at me like I was some defenceless, wounded animal who was stuck in the headlights and desperate to run. I guessed that was a fairly appropriate description of my heart at that moment.

  “Morning, Holly,” he said.

  I swallowed. “Morning, Mr Burnett.”

  “You were a little distracted today. Everything okay?”

  I looked around the classroom and saw the last few students walking out; Jason and Nancy were nowhere to be seen. “Uh, yeah. Fine. Just – you know – stuff.”

  He nodded and tapped on the desk. “Well, you know my door’s always open if you ever need to talk.”

  I gave him what I hoped was a decent smile. “Thanks. Sure.” I stood up hurriedly and he followed suit. “I’ll see you after lunch.”

  He nodded again. “See you then.”

  I rushed out of the classroom into the bustling hallway. I’d made it halfway across the school when I realised I was heading automatically for our Lunch spot – yes, it was Recess, but calling it by different names would be far too ridiculous. I stopped in the middle of the hallway, wondering where the hell I was supposed to go now.

  I mean, strictly speaking I wasn’t not talking to Jason and Nancy… There was no reason why I shouldn’t go and sit with our friendship group like I had every day since Year Eight. But… Well, it was just going to be weird and awkward and I really didn’t think I could handle any of those conversations right now.

  Selfish and cowardly? Yes. But, my heart was too bruised just then to–

  My name floated over to
me and I looked around. I saw Rachel frowning at Xander as he pulled books out of his locker.

  “…you cannot be serious?” came the end of her sentence.

  He flicked his hair out of his eyes and looked at her. “Do you have a point to make?”

  “She’s one of JT’s minions.” Rachel paused. “No. That would actually require him to acknowledge she existed. She’s his groupie at best. Are we suddenly crossing lines, now?”

  Well, if that wasn’t a double slap in the face…

  My heart shook its fist as her while my internal monologue tried and failed to come up with some decent comebacks that we all knew Rachel was never going to hear even if they had been somewhat less lame.

  Like the Bows were even good enough for the likes of us!

  “Call me Romeo,” Xander drawled, sounding like he couldn’t care less what Rachel thought.

  But then – if Xander was King of the Bows – Rachel was Queen Bow and not because they were the top couple; neither Xander or Rachel were the sort of people to have the word ‘couple’ attached to them in any capacity, unless maybe it was ‘hooked up with a couple of people last night’. She was just queen-bitch of the Bows. Supreme Lady Leader. The female Xander. Most Popular Bitch on Campus.

  Did that make Nancy the Rachel equivalent now? Who would it have been if I’d been at Teagan’s party? Was Nancy now Queen…? Wait, what did people even call us? If they’re the Bows, we’d be the…?

  Short segue, it may not have escaped your notice that Xander’s last name was Bowen and he was unaffectionately labelled the King of the Bows. Well, the Bows started out as a term for the girls he hooked up with, but soon it grew to include the guys he hung out with as well until their clique was just known to the rest of the school as the Bows. They were top shit, popular, cool, everyone had secretly yearned to be one of them at least…five times in their lives. Not that Jason would ever admit it because he was Xander’s opposing cool dude and had an image to maintain.

  “I’m serious, Xand,” Rachel said and I realised I was totally standing in the middle of the hallway eavesdropping. Oh well, not stopping now. “You can’t be seen with her. She’s one of his.”

  “Is there some kind of segregation I’m not aware of at this school?” he asked, sounding bored.

  “Yes!” she cried vehemently. “And, you are totally aware of it!”

  My God, did she just stamp her foot at him?

  He rolled his eyes so far they rolled right over me. He did a double-take when he registered I was standing there and looked an awful lot like he was debating something as the corner of his mouth twitched. But, I couldn’t have even begun to imagine what that could be, let alone had the mental capacity to spend on the years’ long journey that figuring out his mind would be. He closed his locker and pulled his bag over his shoulder.

  “Look Rach, you worry about your own poor life choices and leave me to mine, yeah?” he said as he touched her arm briefly and walked towards me.

  I looked around in panic since it would look entirely like I was waiting for him.

  Again.

  And, people looked like they’d noticed. As they passed, kids looked between Xander and me as though there might have been some great gossip afoot.

  At least it would look less like I’d been eavesdropping…

  Xander, meanwhile, looked me up and down as he walked towards me like he’d never seen me before and had been taken off-guard by my astounding beauty.

  Cue heavy snorting; I’d never been beautiful. I could pull off the kind of adorable that’s sweet and cute in five-year-olds, but by seventeen is just sort of underwhelming. Nancy was the pretty one, always had been. Even when I was going through the cute five-year-old phase, Nancy was like a proper little lady pretty; I’d seen the photographic evidence on numerous occasions.

  So, it wasn’t surprising that Jason had picked her really.

  Xander didn’t stop walking until he was so close to me that our ties brushed as he stared into my eyes like he had no better place to be. I gulped but my legs didn’t seem to think my brain’s suggestion of moving back was a very good one. I decided we’d be having words later…

  “Oh, you waited for me?” he asked as one of his hands found their way to my waist, his eyes shining brightly like we were both in on something secret.

  I glared at him rather more impressively than I’d managed earlier. “I was eavesdropping actually.”

  “I’m hurt, Holly,” he teased, an annoying sparkle in those pale brown eyes.

  “You were hoping I was waiting for you?” I sounded surprised because I was a little.

  He ran his tongue along his teeth as the corner of his lip quirked and his eyes slid away from mine coquettishly. “I might not have hated the idea.”

  “Well, sorry to disappoint. But, think of this as me saving you from this weird obsession you suddenly have to slum it with the likes of JT’s minion.”

  His eyes flashed back to mine, hardening somewhat. “Like you think any better of Rachel.”

  I shrugged. “I was just repeating what I heard.”

  He looked me up and down again. “Where are you going?”

  I knew exactly what he meant.

  “Jason hasn’t screwed up again, so you needn’t care.” My eyes slid around the corridor as I answered; I took note of the people who noticed us and Rachel leaning against Xander’s locker scowling at me like I’d personally offended her.

  “If you hang out with me, I can guarantee he’ll want you.”

  I looked back at Xander just in time to see him wink at me and I frowned at the obvious implication.

  “Jason’s a better man than you’ll ever be.”

  Xander leant down so his lips were close to my ear. “I would never break your heart.”

  And with that, he planted a quick kiss to my cheek, gave me a cheeky little salute-wink combo, and sauntered off with his hands in his pants pockets. I watched him go until he’d disappeared, then I turned to find Rachel still glaring at me. I responded with a super intimidating awkward half-smile, shrugged half-questioningly and half-apologetically, and walked away.

  I didn’t know where I was going until I found myself in the library and decided that was as good a place to be as any.

  Yes, I couldn’t eat in there, but honestly I wasn’t that hungry.

  Would people miss me? Yes.

  Would our friends wonder where I was? Yes.

  Would they have absolutely any idea why I might suddenly not be talking to Jason and Nancy anymore and felt like complete and total crap? No.

  There was absolutely no reason as far as I could see that they would have any idea what I was feeling – and, I suppose I only had myself to blame for that. In their eyes, Nancy and Jason dating would be better than Megan Gale offering them all free lap dances, or Chris Hemsworth letting them run around with Mjolnir for a while.

  None of our friends could understand how Jason, Nancy and I were so close and he hadn’t hooked up with one of us. Of course, they thought he and Nancy should hook up, and there were jokes on jokes on jokes about it. Jokes about me and Jason were rarer, but that may have been because I flushed and giggled like an overexcitable idiot while feverishly hoping he didn’t realise I liked him – obviously I played my part a little too well. Nancy and her suave comebacks was much more entertaining fodder for their jokes.

  I wandered through the stacks of the library, running my hands along the spines until I ran into a wall and decided to sit down. With very little else to do – particularly having found myself in the architecture section and zero interest in the subject – I pulled out my phone and found myself on Facebook.

  And of course the first thing I saw in my feed was the post telling me that Jason and Nancy were now in a relationship. It was dated all of a few minutes ago and I could totally picture our friends crowding around them and teasing them mercilessly until they changed their statuses. Despite it only being a few minutes old
and everyone standing centimetres apart, there were already a ton of likes and excitable comments.

  My finger hovered over the ‘Like’ button.

  I knew the friend in me should press it…

  And had it been Nancy or Jason and anyone else in the history of the world, I wouldn’t hesitate to press it. But, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It had been all of twelve hours since Nancy had last told me that I should lay my cards out there and tell him how I felt. I just couldn’t put what I felt into words anymore, let alone recognise half of it.

  My mind span and the place where my heart was supposed to live was oddly numb and empty and heavy.

  I pulled my knees up to my chest and leant my head on them.

  I’d told myself I wasn’t going to cry, but apparently I wasn’t listening to that loser.

  After all, the only guy she’d ever really liked had just given her the biggest, most definite pass-over known to man.

  Chapter Three

  I waded through the rest of the day, avoiding everyone.

  I bet I looked like a right bitch to my friends, but I just couldn’t face them asking me if I was happy for Jason and Nancy. And, if Nigel’s reaction was anything to go by, I’d be grilled with question after question; whether I saw it coming, if I knew, was I in the middle this whole time just waiting for them to get together, had Jason asked me how to tell Nancy, had Nancy spent sleepovers wistfully planning their wedding, had I been wondering if I should just say something already?

  I knew it was a dick move on my part, but I just couldn’t face it or them with that feeling of betrayal weighing my heart down like it had been thrown to the fishes by a Mafioso.

  So, I ignored everyone and they seemed to pretty easily and quickly get the memo that I didn’t want to talk to them. We dealt with issues one way in our group; we ignored them until the person with the problem got over it because nine times out of ten it was a mountain out of a molehill – all of us had been guilty of it on numerous occasions over the years, me definitely included.