Keeping Up Appearances

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “Let’s go with the rule that, if you have to ask, it’s unnecessary.”

  He nodded as he thought about that. “Okay, I can work with that. I’ll see you at Recess.”

  I nodded, smiled, and walked past him. I was just starting to feel slightly disappointed he hadn’t kissed me when suddenly he had my hand. He pulled me to him and kissed me. It was more than just a peck, but he pulled away before my brain shorted out and I felt the need to slam him against the wall. Even so, my breath came less easily than I would have liked. A million people could have been staring and I didn’t care, because he was looking at me in a way that made me never want to look anywhere else.

  Oh, that was dangerous.

  “What was that?” I asked.

  He smirked. “I decided I’d just never ask.” And with that, he winked at me and sauntered down the hallway, meeting up with an unimpressed Daniel half-way.

  I stood, stunned for a few moments, until I felt someone shove my arm and found Nancy glaring at me. With a condescension I didn’t know I could possess, I looked her up and down.

  “What?” I asked.

  “So, what was that? ‘Help me tell Jason how I feel, Nance, what do I say?’ And you were dating him the whole time?”

  I scoffed. “Says you. You were with Jason while you were goading me into it! What? You wanted to make me feel like a bigger idiot when he shut me down? You didn’t even have the decency to tell me!”

  “We were going to.” There was something hard about her eyes, even as the rest of her face was looking appropriately apologetic and sincere.

  “Oh yeah, when? When I got your wedding invitation?”

  “I didn’t know how to tell you, okay? It just happened. One minute we were laughing, then we were kissing. We only made it official after I talked to you on Sunday.”

  “This is so not making me feel better. I thought we were always honest about him.”

  “I didn’t know how I felt about him until we kissed.”

  Mark’s words flew around my head and I was sure I saw written on her face how clearly that statement was a lie.

  But, I was going to try to be the bigger person. “I wouldn’t have minded so much if you’d just given me a heads’ up–”

  “What would a heads’ up have mattered? You were with the King of the Bows almost a week before.” Oh yeah, good point… I’d need to remember that. “And I mean, King Douche? Holly, what were you thinking?”

  I was certainly not thinking what I knew she was thinking; namely that she’d be quite happy to sleep with him and she was seriously wishing that she’d thought of doing it first.

  “The heart wants what the heart wants, Nancy. You should know that better than anyone,” I replied icily. “Besides, you’ve told me on numerous occasions that you’d do him, so how is dating him any worse?”

  “Because a quick screw is nothing. Dating means you like the guy.”

  I shrugged. “So what if I do? He’s funny and he’s nice and he’s sweet and he’s got abs like you wouldn’t believe.” Jesus, how much of that wasn’t a lie? “And, the Bows aren’t actually all that bad.”

  Okay, so all but three hated me and one of them was only was lukewarm but putting on a good show of being my boyfriend. But, Nancy didn’t need to know any of that.

  “Sorry? You think you’re a Bow now?” she scoffed and looked me over like dirty garbage. “Well, I guess you will be as soon as he’s bored with you.”

  Oh, that riled me up. That got a fire going in my belly and made me want to rip her to pieces.

  I mean, she wouldn’t have been wrong if Xander and I were actually dating. But, for some reason, I still bristled against the implication he was just using me; using me on my terms was fine, any other terms and not so much.

  My heart shook its fist at her.

  “Do you know what, Nancy? You can go get fucked. You and Jason. If half a life-time of friendship wasn’t enough for either of you to be honest with me, then I don’t want or need you in my life. I knew how you’d feel about me dating Xander, and honestly I wasn’t entirely sure it would stick because he is King Douche after all and Jason was my best friend. But, you two made the decision simple for me. It wasn’t even a choice; you two dumped me before I even thought about it. So, I can have Xander and you two can have each other. You don’t seem to need me anyway.”

  Nancy’s eyes shone the way they did when she was trying not to cry when we watched a rom-com and the couple at the end finally get together because she knew we’d tease her. Except these weren’t tears of happiness, these were tears of sadness and annoyance – if they were even real – and I felt my own welling.

  “Well, I see how it is then. If half a lifetime of friendship wasn’t worth you being honest with us, then we don’t want you either.”

  “Fine.”

  “Fine.”

  We both made to storm away at the same time. Only problem was, we both had the double Free. So we walked awkwardly together, as far apart across the hallway as possible.

  When I got to the classroom, Miranda was just arriving from the other direction. She threw a look between us and sympathy flickered across her face. She put an arm around me wordlessly and walked us into the classroom. I wasn’t quite so oblivious to not notice the shade she threw Nancy or the glare she sent Jason’s way either.

  And, who would have thought; a Bow standing up for one of JT’s minions?

  It seems like maybe that cold day in Hell was heading our way after all.

  e

  Miranda was holding my hand as we walked out of last lesson Math and Xander frowned as he pushed himself off the lockers behind him like he was going to rain bloody thunder down on someone.

  I’d put the altercation between me and Nancy aside for most of the day, but Math without the stoic presence of Xander beside me had seen Nancy act like a complete dick.

  She’d talked to my ex-friends in a frightfully obvious stage-whisper about how I gave it up to Xander weeks ago and had been sadly begging him to date me ever since. The going story was that Xander had finally acquiesced if only to shut me up. According to Nancy, I was completely smitten with him, totally obsessed, and was probably a little mental. Jason did nothing through the whole thing other than look slightly pained and look at me almost apologetically.

  But I mean, how sorry could he be if he didn’t tell her to stop?

  Heartbreak aside, I could definitively see now that sharing my fruit rollup with him on the third day of Reception had been a terrible plan. In fact, while I’d be busy thinking it had brought me over ten years of solid friendship and fun, what it had really done was break my heart into a thousand pieces and get them stomped all over.

  Even the sight of Xander at the end of the day hadn’t been enough to do much more for my heart than to have it wave its little white flag at him while it was face down in the dirt.

  “What happened?” he asked, looking to Miranda for an explanation.

  I was glad even he couldn’t make this new betrayal better. But I was supposed to go to him for comfort, it’s what couples did. So, I did. I just shook my head and walked straight into his arms, burying my face in his jumper. He hugged me unhesitatingly. And once in his arms, I told myself the effect of his deodorant and the weight of his arms around me was far less comforting that it actually was.

  “Rand?” he asked.

  “The little bitch is spreading rumours about our Doll.”

  I looked at her sharply.

  “What?” Xander asked quickly to my reaction.

  “Nothing. She just… Doll?”

  Miranda smiled. “Holly. Dolly. Doll. Yeah?”

  That was a seriously weird coincidence.

  “Only my family calls me Doll…” I said slowly and watched as Miranda’s eyes softened along with her smile.

  “Well you’re Xand’s girlfriend, Doll. So, that makes us family now.”

  Oh my God. I wasn’t sure I could take an
y more emotion at that point. But, at least this one was positive – so long as she wasn’t still lulling me in that false sense of security. It still made my eyes water though.

  Xander rubbed my back comfortingly. “Come on. We’ll miss the bus if we wait too long.” His tone was hard and, as I turned, I saw Jason down the hall watching us as Nigel jostled him.

  On impulse, I leant up and kissed Xander hard and the boy wasn’t shy about returning it ten-fold. I didn’t even object when he touched my arse this time.

  When I pulled away, he chuckled knowingly as his eyes flew behind me to Jason. But, he said nothing with Miranda so close. He merely took my hand and the three of us headed out, catching up with Greg as we went.

  “Heya, Holly!” he cried excitedly and I noticed Jason’s frown before I decided to stop worrying about him.

  It was one thing for Jason to be dating Nancy – that I probably would have eventually come to terms with once the shock wore off and I’d stopped acting like an idiot – but he’d sided with her when he didn’t stop her talking shit about me. So, I was done with him and I was done worrying about him. I was done with both of them. I’d show them I had something better and they were the ones missing out.

  If the tables had been turned, Nancy certainly wouldn’t have been shy in pretending she was having the time of her life. That girl could make the worst of all flus look enjoyable and fashionable.

  “Whoa! What has our Holly looking so glum?” Greg asked, sounding legitimately concerned.

  “JT’s little bitch is spreading lies,” Miranda spat and I was surprised at the vehemence in her tone.

  “Settle, Rand,” Greg chuckled, then was all business. “Right, how are we getting back at the skank?”

  “Play nice, mate,” Xander said quietly.

  “Fuck that for a joke. If that mole–”

  “Dude, she was Holly’s best friend for years. Pump the breaks a little, yeah?” Xander said quietly over my head as though I wouldn’t hear him then.

  “Sorry, Holl,” Greg mumbled, looking legitimately sorry.

  I shrugged. “It’s okay.” And, it sort of was and wasn’t at the same time; I appreciated him getting fired up on my account, but I was at odds about him talking like that about someone my heart had trouble letting go of. “Seems like a waste of friendship if you ask me, the way she’s been acting.”

  “Well we’re behind you, Doll,” Miranda said.

  “Doll? I like it!” Greg laughed, nodding at me like he really did just accept his king’s rival’s ex-best friend.

  Xander took my hand, lacing his fingers with mine, and leant to my ear. “Is ‘doll’ better than ‘babe’?”

  “Pet names aren’t required,” I laughed.

  He grinned, pressed a quick kiss to my lips and put his arm around me. I reached up and took the hand that was draped over my shoulder as we headed to the bus stop, blinking the slight rain out of my eyes.

  “Ugh, you two are far too adorable,” Greg gagged. “I get she’s your first, man. But, I was looking forward to a burger this arvo! Don’t ruin it for me, please.”

  Xander laughed. “Well if you can’t eat it, I’ll be happy to, man.”

  Greg shook his head with a laugh.

  “What?” Rachel asked as we joined most of the other Bows at the bus stop.

  “Greg’s grossed out by Doll and Xander.”

  Rachel’s eyebrows rose at the new nickname and her lips twitched, but she didn’t mention it. “Trust the biggest man-whore to be hiding a mushy idiot,” she said and I wondered if I was the only one who thought her teasing was a little less actual teasing; I could tell she was simultaneously supporting his decisions and warning him against them.

  That was a new side to Queen Bitch Rachel than I’d ever seen before.

  “Naw. You jealous, Rach?” Xander cooed, reaching over to ruffle her hair and she ducked out of the way, trying to hide a laugh behind a scowl.

  “Dude! Don’t be a dick,” she chuckled.

  I stood among the Bows, watching them chat and laugh and jostle, wondering how it was all so easy.

  Five days ago, I hated these people.

  Now, I wondered exactly why I’d hated them.

  I couldn’t say I liked any of them really, but each day I forgot a little more why I’d hated them. As far as I could remember, I just had. We knew they were all shallow, arrogant, rude, rich arseholes and we hated them. It was just the done thing by the kids who hung out with Jason to hate the Bows, and vice versa.

  Rachel, Daniel, Sabrina – well, there were quite a few of them – and almost everyone else largely didn’t speak to me or spared me shifty glances, but I somehow didn’t feel uncomfortable or bothered by it – their behaviour was really no different than it had been the week before. There was something I admired about that. And, I actually wasn’t sure if it was because it meant they didn’t just blindly follow everything Xander said or if it was because it meant they weren’t as fickle and shallow as I’d always thought.

  Greg was a little loud and boisterous at times, but he seemed to try to make me laugh, so I didn’t hate hanging out with him. But, I still didn’t know him well enough to like him. I knew enough to know he was good people. But you don’t just like everyone who’s good people, do you?

  Miranda could have been as shallow as Rachel and just great at hiding it, but we joked and laughed and talked about things that girlfriends talk about, things I used to talk about with Nancy, even things I never felt comfortable talking to Nancy about. I was starting to like her, but there was this voice in the back of my head that told me she might have an ulterior motive just because she was a Bow.

  And, Xander… God, where did I even start with him? The whole school knew he was a player and a cocky bastard, he was rude and condescending, and he liked none of the same things I did. But, he was also funny and sexy and there was something sweet about him, even if it was all in aid of maintaining a charade. After years of thinking he was an awful person, I couldn’t quite bring myself to think well of him. But, I kind of liked being around him. I kind of liked the way he made me feel, whether that was real or even if it was fake.

  It was amazing how well you could get by when you forced away all of the hang-ups you’d carried around for so long. And, I got by. Until my brain reminded me I was hanging around the Bows and I felt a moment of weirdness. But, it passed as Xander took my hand or ran his fingers over my cheek, as Miranda threw me a conspiratorial smile or talked about a cute boy with me, as Greg teased Xander with me or stood up for me against him, and I just didn’t have time to remember I was living in whacko world for too long when I was with them.

  I felt a tug and was pulled out of my musings with a humoured look from Xander.

  “You good, Doll?”

  I smirked and followed him onto the bus, which was filling to capacity quickly – apparently the only way to go to town on a Friday was by bus.

  We shuffled on, packed tighter than sardines. The Maple Ridge Grammar kids filled the vehicle with rowdy chatter and laughter as they jostled each other.

  I could never reach the hand holds easily, but we were packed in so tight someone was likely to break my fall anyway so I didn’t bother so much. But, Xander obviously had other ideas about my safety. He grabbed hold of the top bar and wound an arm around me almost completely absent-mindedly as he talked with Greg and Daniel.

  As Miranda and I were debating whether Kylie Jenner’s ripped-butt jeans were something people should copy or not (let it be noted, Nancy would have said yes and would have thoroughly disapproved if I’d even hinted no, whereas Miranda had no qualms), I felt Xander’s hand slide down so it was resting more on my arse than my back. I stopped in the middle of whatever I was saying to Miranda, my mouth open.

  “What?” Miranda chuckled.

  I wrinkled my nose and turned to look at Xander. He didn’t turn to me, but I saw his smirk – he knew what he’d done…was doing… – and he gave my a
rse a slight squeeze. I frowned and gave him a slight elbow to the ribs. I felt him chuckle as he rearranged to pull my back against his front.

  Thankfully, town wasn’t too far from school – in fact, on a good day and when we weren’t so lazy, you could walk there easily. We piled off the bus, Xander offering me his hand as I tried to judge the distance to the sidewalk so I didn’t end up with my foot in a puddle.

  I gave him a wry grin in thanks, took his hand and I half-hopped, was half-pulled off the bus. As I landed, he caught me round the middle and kissed me.

  “Okay, yes. You are sickeningly sweet. Dude, get out of the way!” Greg said with a wink to me. He smacked Xander upside the head as he went passed.

  Xander put his arm around my shoulders and we followed behind the rest of the raucous group, falling behind a little as the others trooped down Rundle Mall like we owned the place, still laughing and jostling each other. There was very little difference following behind the Bows or Jason’s group, really. And, for a moment, I could pretend nothing had changed in my life, I could pretend that my friends were still my friends.

  “You doing okay?” Xander asked softly after a while.

  I looked at him, not sure if I was or not. “Should I not be?”

  He shrugged and leant his cheek on my head for a moment. “Dunno. Just thought JT’s minion might be feeling a little…conflicted about being out in town with the Bows.”

  I scuffed my foot along the pavement and his hand slid off my shoulder to catch my hand. “It’s weird, but at the same time it’s not. You’re not the people I’m used to, but I can pretend for a while that I’ve been with you forever.”

  I’d spent years fitting in; just because they were different people didn’t mean the concept was any different.

  He stopped me as the others disappeared into the Myer building. He looked down at me with that mischievous glint. “With me?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Not with you, with you. With the Bows.”

  His arms went around my waist and I leant mine on the lapels of his blazer. “You can admit you like being with me.”