Keeping Up Appearances

by Elizabeth Stevens

He didn’t try to talk to me the whole way home. But, he didn’t hesitate to jump out of the car and follow me up the front path. I looked over and saw Mark’s car wasn’t in the driveway, and I knew Dad would still be at work, so I could be thankful for small mercies I guessed.

  “Doll…” he started, but I ignored him as I tried to get my key in the door.

  I finally got the damn thing unlocked and open.

  “Holly… At least, tell me I can call you later?”

  I rounded on him. “No. Okay. No. I’ll see you on Monday.”

  “Holly, what did I do?”

  My heart stomped its tiny little feet in a terrible attempt at a Godzilla tantrum and I glared at him. “Nothing.”

  “Holly–”

  “That’s it, Xander. Okay? The whole school has gone bat shit bananas because we decided to fake date. But, I guess I can deal because you’re different. Except then maybe you’re not and I don’t know what’s going on anymore.”

  “What do you mean different?” he asked.

  “Different. Not King Douche of all things Bow. Just Xander Bowen. But, I can’t tell anymore. For weeks, it was just Xander but now there’s so much Douche in you.”

  “Holly, what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I don’t know what we’re doing anymore and I don’t know why we’re doing it.”

  “I can’t answer that either, but I can tell you what I’d like us to be doing–”

  “If this has anything to do with sex, you’re getting another bruise and it won’t be anywhere Jason’s hit you so far,” I warned him.

  “It’s got nothing to do with sex. What do you think I am?”

  “I don’t know!” I answered sarcastically. “You seem pretty Douchey to me at the moment.”

  “Damn it, Holly!” he snapped. “This isn’t what I want. I don’t want to be fighting with you.”

  “What do you want, Xander?”

  “I want it to be real, Holly. I want us to be real. I’ve been trying to work out how to actually finish the conversation with you for weeks. Every time I think we might be about to, you pull away, and I don’t want to ruin anything by pushing it.”

  “You should have trusted your instincts,” I told him, my brain trying to tell me not to listen to my fearful heart.

  It was doing that thing where it slapped my heart upside the head and was desperately trying to get my attention. But, I was resolved to ignore it. Before my brain had a chance to hogtie my heart in the back seat, he thankfully spoke.

  “Why? Because I’m the King of the Bows?” he asked, his voice heavy with sarcasm. “People expect me to be one thing, Holly. So, there’s very little point in me acting any differently around them. But, I thought you were different. I thought I could be myself with you and you’d see me. Sometimes, I think you do. And others, you only see the actions that support your idea of me. But, that guy isn’t me, Holly. I’m not the guy the rumours say I am.” He paused and grinned ruefully but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Well, that’s not all I am.”

  I knew that. I did. When I wasn’t acting like a dick because he’d been fighting Jason and I wasn’t scared he didn’t mean it, I knew that. It had taken me two months, but I did see him. And I wanted to believe I was different. I wanted to believe that what we’d found was something real. But, how did I shut up that niggling fear in my heart?

  “I do see you Xander. Or, at least, I see who you want me to see–”

  “That is me, Holly! Outside what you so affectionately call the Inner Sanctum, no one sees this side of me. Fuck, even Rachel doesn’t know how bad it gets with my parents.”

  “Great, another reason for her to hate me,” I muttered.

  Xander caught my hands in his. “She only hates you because you have the power to hurt me,” he said softly.

  I looked up at him, so badly wanting it to be true. And, I had to admit, everything on his face was telling me it was true. But, fear gripped my heart.

  “When did this stop being fake?” he whispered as he dropped his forehead to mine and I couldn’t answer. “Because I’m not sure it ever was.”

  My throat caught. “Xander–”

  “Be honest with me,” he said. “Other than what we told people, how was it fake?”

  I sighed. “We started all this when we hated each other, for one thing.”

  “No, you hated me.”

  I leant my head on his chest. “We didn’t know each other.”

  “Isn’t that the whole thing with dating? You’re drawn to someone, so you ask to spend more time with them and you get to know if they’re right for you or not?”

  “And, am I right for you?”

  “You were right for me before I asked you to fake date me.”

  “Xander, this is about more than just getting one over on Jason–”

  “It has always been about more than just getting one over on that git. Why do you deny it?”

  I looked up at him, into those enigmatic cognac eyes, and told myself to buck the hell up. I’d told myself this whole time that King Douche didn’t do relationships, that he didn’t do dating, that he was just in it for the joke. But, I could almost believe it was just Xander standing in front of me now.

  “Look at what we’ve done,” I said softly. “What we’ve lost. What you could still lose. Are you saying I’m worth losing Rachel?”

  “You lost your best friends out of it.”

  I gave him a sad smile. “Some friends they turned out to be. The Bows have been better friends to me than the idJits ever were. And, we both know that means a lot. The problem with you, King Douche,” He smiled back at me at the name that was definitely endearment this time, “is that you’re too loyal for your own damned good. But, you can’t throw Rachel away for me. I’m not worth it.”

  Xander cupped my cheek. “Don’t say that. You’re worth everything I am.”

  “I’m not. I decided it was a great idea to fake date my best friend’s enemy, a guy I professed to hate, who I then just–” I stopped and looked up at him.

  “What is so wrong with admitting you fell for me?” he asked and I could tell that he was trying to keep the hurt from his voice, it was obvious in his eyes though.

  I took another deep breath. It was now or never. “The idea that you might not really feel the same. The idea that this might really end and I’d have lost something amazing.”

  The hurt slowly dissipated as he took in what I’d said.

  “What?” The corner of his lip twitched as he smiled softly as though he was holding back a full-blown smirk and there was a touch of exasperation in his eyes. “That I might not feel the same?”

  “Yes. That it might all just be words. That you got conned by your own con. That if we finished that conversation then it would be over because you didn’t feel the same way after all.”

  “The same way?”

  I could see we were going nowhere fast while he was trying to not ruin the moment with jokes. I grabbed his arm and dragged him inside, closing the door behind us.

  “Yes, Xander. The same way. The same way I feel about you.”

  “How do you feel about me?”

  It was one of those times I wished I found him annoying. But instead, I had to fight a smile. I could have teased him, I could have drawn it out like every other conversation, but I just wanted it sorted one way or the other.

  “I like you, Xander. Like, I really like you. I have to wonder if it was ever fake, too. Because while I thought I was trying to make Jason jealous, I don’t know that it was ever really about that. I completely fell for you and it scares the hell out of me.”

  A slight frown crossed his face and I didn’t blame him. “Why?”

  I sighed. “Because I have this ingrained sense we’re doomed. My parents met in high school and it was great for a few years, then it wasn’t. They grew apart. The psych told me it was inevitable and it’s just followed me around.”

  That frow
n got a little deeper. “And yet, you and the git…?”

  I nodded. “I know. I was apparently not worried. Which makes me think…” I paused, a whole bunch of thoughts flooding me that brought all that fear right back.

  “What, Holly?”

  I opened and closed my mouth again as I tried to get my brain and my heart on board. But, it was a no go. One thought flashed bright in my mind and I couldn’t shake it.

  “Holly?”

  I took a deep breath as I looked up at him. “I wasn’t worried about Jason. I didn’t have that feeling of impending doom… What if that’s just because we’re not meant to be?”

  He stepped back. “What?”

  “Well, what if it’s a sign? We’re not meant to be, so I can’t shake this feeling we’re doomed. I feel like we’re doomed because we are.”

  “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” Xander said, totally emotionless.

  “What if you’re just not right for me? Or, I’m not right for you? We just got caught up in keeping up appearances and fell for our own bullshit.”

  Xander ran his hand over his jaw and I couldn’t read him. There was nothing there. He wasn’t the cocky King Douche and he wasn’t even the Xander I’d thought I’d seen lately. “You what?”

  I scoffed. “Holly Aberdeen and the King of the Bows? How did I really think that was going to work? We’re not right for each other. We just forgot what it was.”

  Xander’s face went from emotionless to hard. “Are you lying to yourself now, or just me?” he asked.

  I flung my arms up wildly. “No one’s lying to anyone, Xander. We just don’t belong togeth–”

  I came to a crashing halt as Xander threw open the front door and stormed out. I watched in total bewilderment as he climbed into his car and drove off.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  On Monday, the same as he’d been most of the weekend, he was cavalier King Douche keeping up appearances for the Bows. As far as I could tell, no one was going to have noticed anything had changed between us. And honestly, I didn’t have the balls to talk to him about it. But, I could see through whatever mask he’d put on and I saw he was hurting. Although, Rachel wasn’t glaring at me any more than usual so I had to hope she hadn’t noticed.

  I was minding my own business until I ran into Nancy on the way out to lunch.

  “You right?” I asked her. “Spreading any more rumours today?”

  She shrugged coyly. “Really, I didn’t actually need to bother after I had Jason convinced you had sex with King Douche.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Very original, Nancy. I’ll bet you were very proud of that.”

  “I was proud at how quickly he believed it once I told him you said that was why you missed Teagan’s party.”

  Nancy sneered at me and I looked around the corridor. Thankfully, there wasn’t a crowd yet, but there was going to be soon. I could see they were already thinking about it.

  “You did what?” I asked her. “When?”

  “Oh, I told him all about the conversation we’d had the day after.”

  Apparently not the actual conversation. “Why?”

  Her smile was pure evil. “How else was I going to get his mind off you?”

  I blinked. “What?”

  “He almost didn’t believe me. All I heard was ‘Holly, this’ and ‘Holly, that’. He couldn’t believe you were actually with King Douche. So, I had to convince him. I had to convince him just how much you were with King Douche, though it pained me to break his heart so. But, I knew you wouldn’t have had the balls to actually sleep with him. Such a virginal little prude.”

  I was pleased I felt no more pain at her betrayal or losing her friendship. I was just annoyed with her and the fact I’d fallen for whatever act she’d seemingly played me with for five years.

  “So, what was it Nancy? You just had to have him? Why couldn’t you have just told me you liked him?”

  “The amount you whined about him? How would that have gone?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. How about ‘hey Holly, you know how we said we’d be honest about Jason? Yeah, I like him, too’. It’s not so hard Nancy!”

  “If I’d told you, what would you have done? We’d already kissed anyway, so–”

  “So you still decided to encourage me to tell him I liked him! That is way worse. You could have just told me you guys kissed and you felt something. Or, Nancy… Or! Is it just because you liked him the whole time and you were lying to me?”

  Nancy gave me that pure evil smirk. “You always were so gullible, Holly. I could tell you anything and you’d believe it. And Jason was never any better.”

  “What the hell happened to you?” I asked her, feeling my throat burn.

  So, Jason maybe might have been slightly manipulated into treating me the way he had? It still didn’t excuse him for not using his own damned brain.

  “What do you mean?” Nancy asked, flippantly. There was nothing but scathing condescension in her eyes, nothing but hate and a serious desire to hurt.

  “What happened to my best friend?”

  “Nothing. You’re the one who changed.” She raised her voice so the growing crowd wouldn’t possibly miss her words. “You went deranged for the King of the Bows of all people. I don’t even recognise you anymore. Have you been eating enough? Or, does he like them weak and frail?”

  What kind of insult even was that?

  “Step the fuck off, Milligan!”

  The whole quad went silent and I turned to see Rachel throwing her glare of fury on Nancy for once. I must have been dreaming. I was pretty sure I was dreaming. My heart slapped my brain and I managed to gain back some function as I saw the crowd part for Rachel to stalk towards Nancy.

  “Ragging on Holly stops now, you troll,” Rachel snarled and Nancy’s face became a mask of ugly condescension.

  “You need your King’s Queen to fight your battles for you?” she asked me.

  “Bows look out for each other, bitch. Something you seem to know nothing about.”

  People were muttering now and I was pretty sure they were finding Rachel Harris sticking up for Holly Aberdeen more scandalous than the time Xander admitted I wouldn’t sleep with him. No one would have missed that there was zero love, let alone like, between us.

  “I suppose Xander’s cast-offs do need to stick together.”

  Rachel stepped towards her and Nancy did a good job of trying to hide her intimidation. “You want to watch what you say about our Doll, you raging hag. The whole school knows how much you coveted our precious King, there’s no point denying it. What? Did you make a pass at him and he shut you down?” Rachel looked Nancy up and down slowly. “He always has had taste.”

  “I wouldn’t touch him if you paid me.”

  “The feeling’s mutual, don’t worry.”

  “Well, that’s the only thing we have in common. Until Holly betrays him too.”

  My heart lurched, but I didn’t stop to wonder why just then.

  “You’re going to want to stop now, Milligan,” Rachel warned. “Lest I say something I regret.”

  Nancy sneered at her. “Wouldn’t that require you having emotions?”

  “How does it feel to come second with both of them?” Rachel snapped and Nancy went white.

  “I don’t come second.”

  Rachel scoffed. “No. I suppose not. You knew you had no chance with Xander, so you didn’t even have the balls to try. And you never really let it be a fair fight, did you? You knew you couldn’t compete if they both knew the truth so you lied to them. You manipulated two people who trusted you.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nancy said, her voice quavering.

  I didn’t even know what Rachel was talking about.

  “I’m the Queen Bitch of all things Bow, I know everything that goes on in this school, remember?” She leant close to Nancy and I wasn’t sure who else heard her next words, “I am
what this school made me and I will use it to ruin you if you open your mouth one. More. Damned. Time.”

  I saw Nancy visibly gulp before she turned away and hurried off. Jess looked between Rachel and me with plain shock and awe on her face, then hurried after Nancy. There was a slow clap making its way around the crowd and I let out a shaky breath.

  “You okay?” Rachel asked me.

  She was still glaring and I wasn’t sure if it was because she was still pissed with Nancy or if she was just showing her usual level of appreciation for my existence.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.”

  Rachel shrugged it off. “It’s just how it is, Bows against idJits.” I was pretty sure she was being at least semi-sarcastic.

  I nodded again somewhat pathetically as she stalked away. I made my way to my locker, then went to the library instead of meeting up with the Bows. But, Xander found me a few minutes later, hiding in Architecture again.

  “I just spoke to Rachel,” he said stiltedly.

  I nodded. “I’ll bet.”

  “You okay?”

  “Sure.”

  “Did you want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head. “Not really.”

  “Okay, I’ll… I’m here if you need anything, you just have to say.”

  I paused before I said, “Will you sit with me?”

  He huffed a really relieved breath and dropped down beside me. I shuffled over a little and he lifted his arm to let me snuggle into him. When he lowered it again, he held me tightly and rested his cheek on my head.

  I’d spent all weekend in his jumper, like a total addict, while I tried to work out my feelings; I didn’t want to believe that Xander and I were wrong for each other, but what other reason would have me so worried about it ending? One second my heart was telling me to leap off any and all surfaces and see how far that belief in love and hope and forever would take us. Then the next, it was hiding in fear that we’d just plummet into pain. It seemed my brain had given up even trying to have a say.

  I was really hoping we wouldn’t have to talk about any of it again. Ever would have been my preference. But, I knew that wasn’t going to work. I just wanted to put it off as long as possible.