She

by H. Rider Haggard

  XVII

  THE BALANCE TURNS

  In a few minutes, following the lamps of the mutes, which, held outfrom the body as a bearer holds water in a vessel, had the appearance offloating down the darkness by themselves, we came to a stair which ledus to _She's_ ante-room, the same that Billali had crept up upon on allfours on the previous day. Here I would have bid the Queen adieu, butshe would not.

  "Nay," she said, "enter with me, oh Holly, for of a truth thyconversation pleaseth me. Think, oh Holly: for two thousand years have Ihad none to converse with save slaves and my own thoughts, and thoughof all this thinking hath much wisdom come, and many secrets been madeplain, yet am I weary of my thoughts, and have come to loathe mine ownsociety, for surely the food that memory gives to eat is bitter to thetaste, and it is only with the teeth of hope that we can bear to biteit. Now, though thy thoughts are green and tender, as becometh one soyoung, yet are they those of a thinking brain, and in truth thou dostbring back to my mind certain of those old philosophers with whom indays bygone I have disputed at Athens, and at Becca in Arabia, for thouhast the same crabbed air and dusty look, as though thou hadst passedthy days in reading ill-writ Greek, and been stained dark with the grimeof manuscripts. So draw the curtain, and sit here by my side, and wewill eat fruit, and talk of pleasant things. See, I will again unveilto thee. Thou hast brought it on thyself, oh Holly; fairly have I warnedthee--and thou shalt call me beautiful as even those old philosopherswere wont to do. Fie upon them, forgetting their philosophy!"

  And without more ado she stood up and shook the white wrappings fromher, and came forth shining and splendid like some glittering snake whenshe has cast her slough; ay, and fixed her wonderful eyes upon me--moredeadly than any Basilisk's--and pierced me through and through withtheir beauty, and sent her light laugh ringing through the air likechimes of silver bells.

  A new mood was on her, and the very colour of her mind seemed to changebeneath it. It was no longer torture-torn and hateful, as I had seenit when she was cursing her dead rival by the leaping flames, no longericily terrible as in the judgment-hall, no longer rich, and sombre, andsplendid, like a Tyrian cloth, as in the dwellings of the dead. No, hermood now was that of Aphrodité triumphing. Life--radiant, ecstatic,wonderful--seemed to flow from her and around her. Softly she laughedand sighed, and swift her glances flew. She shook her heavy tresses,and their perfume filled the place; she struck her little sandalled footupon the floor, and hummed a snatch of some old Greek epithalamium. Allthe majesty was gone, or did but lurk and faintly flicker through herlaughing eyes, like lightning seen through sunlight. She had cast offthe terror of the leaping flame, the cold power of judgment that waseven now being done, and the wise sadness of the tombs--cast them offand put them behind her, like the white shroud she wore, and now stoodout the incarnation of lovely tempting womanhood, made more perfect--andin a way more spiritual--than ever woman was before.

  "So, my Holly, sit there where thou canst see me. It is by thine ownwish, remember--again I say, blame me not if thou dost wear away thylittle span with such a sick pain at the heart that thou wouldst fainhave died before ever thy curious eyes were set upon me. There, sit so,and tell me, for in truth I am inclined for praises--tell me, am I notbeautiful? Nay, speak not so hastily; consider well the point; take mefeature by feature, forgetting not my form, and my hands and feet, andmy hair, and the whiteness of my skin, and then tell me truly, hastthou ever known a woman who in aught, ay, in one little portion ofher beauty, in the curve of an eyelash even, or the modelling of ashell-like ear, is justified to hold a light before my loveliness? Now,my waist! Perchance thou thinkest it too large, but of a truth it is notso; it is this golden snake that is too large, and doth not bind it asit should. It is a wide snake, and knoweth that it is ill to tie inthe waist. But see, give me thy hands--so--now press them round me, andthere, with but a little force, thy fingers touch, oh Holly."

  I could bear it no longer. I am but a man, and she was more than awoman. Heaven knows what she was--I do not! But then and there Ifell upon my knees before her, and told her in a sad mixture oflanguages--for such moments confuse the thoughts--that I worshipped heras never woman was worshipped, and that I would give my immortal soulto marry her, which at that time I certainly would have done, and so,indeed, would any other man, or all the race of men rolled into one. Fora moment she looked surprised, and then she began to laugh, and clap herhands in glee.

  "Oh, so soon, oh Holly!" she said. "I wondered how many minutes it wouldneed to bring thee to thy knees. I have not seen a man kneel beforeme for so many days, and, believe me, to a woman's heart the sight issweet, ay, wisdom and length of days take not from that dear pleasurewhich is our sex's only right.

  "What wouldst thou?--what wouldst thou? Thou dost not know what thoudoest. Have I not told thee that I am not for thee? I love but one, andthou art not the man. Ah Holly, for all thy wisdom--and in a way thouart wise--thou art but a fool running after folly. Thou wouldst lookinto mine eyes--thou wouldst kiss me! Well, if it pleaseth thee,_look_," and she bent herself towards me, and fixed her dark andthrilling orbs upon my own; "ay, and _kiss_ too, if thou wilt, for,thanks be given to the scheme of things, kisses leave no marks, exceptupon the heart. But if thou dost kiss, I tell thee of a surety wilt thoueat out thy breast with love of me, and die!" and she bent yet furthertowards me till her soft hair brushed my brow, and her fragrant breathplayed upon my face, and made me faint and weak. Then of a sudden, evenas I stretched out my hands to clasp, she straightened herself, and aquick change passed over her. Reaching out her hand, she held it over myhead, and it seemed to me that something flowed from it that chilledme back to common sense, and a knowledge of propriety and the domesticvirtues.

  "Enough of this wanton folly," she said with a touch of sternness."Listen, Holly. Thou art a good and honest man, and I fain would sparethee; but, oh! it is so hard for woman to be merciful. I have said I amnot for thee, therefore let thy thoughts pass by me like an idle wind,and the dust of thy imagination sink again into the depths--well, ofdespair, if thou wilt. Thou dost not know me, Holly. Hadst thou seen mebut ten hours past when my passion seized me, thou hadst shrunk from mein fear and trembling. I am of many moods, and, like the water in thatvessel, I reflect many things; but they pass, my Holly; they pass, andare forgotten. Only the water is the water still, and I still am I, andthat which maketh the water maketh it, and that which maketh me makethme, nor can my quality be altered. Therefore, pay no heed to what Iseem, seeing that thou canst not know what I am. If thou troublest meagain I will veil myself, and thou shalt behold my face no more."

  I rose, and sank on the cushioned couch beside her, yet quivering withemotion, though for a moment my mad passion had left me, as the leavesof a tree quiver still, although the gust be gone that stirred them. Idid not dare to tell her that I _had_ seen her in that deep and hellishmood, muttering incantations to the fire in the tomb.

  "So," she went on, "now eat some fruit; believe me, it is the only truefood for man. Oh, tell me of the philosophy of that Hebrew Messiah, whocame after me, and who thou sayest doth now rule Rome, and Greece, andEgypt, and the barbarians beyond. It must have been a strange philosophythat He taught, for in my day the peoples would have naught of ourphilosophies. Revel and lust and drink, blood and cold steel, and theshock of men gathered in the battle--these were the canons of theircreeds."

  I had recovered myself a little by now, and, feeling bitterly ashamed ofthe weakness into which I had been betrayed, I did my best to expoundto her the doctrines of Christianity, to which, however, with the singleexception of our conception of Heaven and Hell, I found that she paidbut scant attention, her interest being all directed towards the Manwho taught them. Also I told her that among her own people, the Arabs,another prophet, one Mohammed, had arisen and preached a new faith, towhich many millions of mankind now adhered.

  "Ah!" she said; "I see--two new religions! I have known so many, anddoubtless there have been many more since I knew aught beyond thesec
aves of Kôr. Mankind asks ever of the skies to vision out whatlies behind them. It is terror for the end, and but a subtler form ofselfishness--this it is that breeds religions. Mark, my Holly, eachreligion claims the future for its followers; or, at least, the goodthereof. The evil is for those benighted ones who will have none ofit; seeing the light the true believers worship, as the fishes see thestars, but dimly. The religions come and the religions pass, and thecivilisations come and pass, and naught endures but the world and humannature. Ah! if man would but see that hope is from within and not fromwithout--that he himself must work out his own salvation! He is there,and within him is the breath of life and a knowledge of good and evil asgood and evil is to him. Thereon let him build and stand erect, and notcast himself before the image of some unknown God, modelled like hispoor self, but with a bigger brain to think the evil thing, and a longerarm to do it."

  I thought to myself, which shows how old such reasoning is, being,indeed, one of the recurring qualities of theological discussion, thather argument sounded very like some that I have heard in the nineteenthcentury, and in other places than the caves of Kôr, and with which, bythe way, I totally disagree, but I did not care to try and discuss thequestion with her. To begin with, my mind was too weary with all theemotions through which I had passed, and, in the second place, I knewthat I should get the worst of it. It is weary work enough to arguewith an ordinary materialist, who hurls statistics and whole strataof geological facts at your head, whilst you can only buffet him withdeductions and instincts and the snowflakes of faith, that are, alas! soapt to melt in the hot embers of our troubles. How little chance, then,should I have against one whose brain was supernaturally sharpened,and who had two thousand years of experience, besides all manner ofknowledge of the secrets of Nature at her command! Feeling that shewould be more likely to convert me than I should to convert her, Ithought it best to leave the matter alone, and so sat silent. Many atime since then have I bitterly regretted that I did so, for thereby Ilost the only opportunity I can remember having had of ascertaining whatAyesha _really_ believed, and what her "philosophy" was.

  "Well, my Holly," she continued, "and so those people of mine have founda prophet, a false prophet thou sayest, for he is not thine own, and,indeed, I doubt it not. Yet in my day was it otherwise, for then weArabs had many gods. Allât there was, and Saba, the Host of Heaven, AlUzza, and Manah the stony one, for whom the blood of victims flowed,and Wadd and Sawâ, and Yaghûth the Lion of the dwellers in Yaman, andYäûk the Horse of Morad, and Nasr the Eagle of Hamyar; ay, and manymore. Oh, the folly of it all, the shame and the pitiful folly! Yet whenI rose in wisdom and spoke thereof, surely they would have slain me inthe name of their outraged gods. Well, so hath it ever been;--but, myHolly, art thou weary of me already, that thou dost sit so silent? Ordost thou fear lest I should teach thee my philosophy?--for know I havea philosophy. What would a teacher be without her own philosophy? andif thou dost vex me overmuch beware! for I will have thee learn it, andthou shalt be my disciple, and we twain will found a faith that shallswallow up all others. Faithless man! And but half an hour since thouwast upon thy knees--the posture does not suit thee, Holly--swearingthat thou didst love me. What shall we do?--Nay, I have it. I will comeand see this youth, the Lion, as the old man Billali calls him, who camewith thee, and who is so sick. The fever must have run its course bynow, and if he is about to die I will recover him. Fear not, my Holly, Ishall use no magic. Have I not told thee that there is no such thing asmagic, though there is such a thing as understanding and applying theforces which are in Nature? Go now, and presently, when I have made thedrug ready, I will follow thee."[*]

  [*] Ayesha was a great chemist, indeed chemistry appears to have been her only amusement and occupation. She had one of the caves fitted up as a laboratory, and, although her appliances were necessarily rude, the results that she attained were, as will become clear in the course of this narrative, sufficiently surprising.--L. H. H.

  Accordingly I went, only to find Job and Ustane in a great state ofgrief, declaring that Leo was in the throes of death, and that they hadbeen searching for me everywhere. I rushed to the couch, and glanced athim: clearly he was dying. He was senseless, and breathing heavily, buthis lips were quivering, and every now and again a little shudder randown his frame. I knew enough of doctoring to see that in another hourhe would be beyond the reach of earthly help--perhaps in another fiveminutes. How I cursed my selfishness and the folly that had kept melingering by Ayesha's side while my dear boy lay dying! Alas and alas!how easily the best of us are lighted down to evil by the gleam ofa woman's eyes! What a wicked wretch was I! Actually, for the lasthalf-hour I had scarcely thought of Leo, and this, be it remembered,of the man who for twenty years had been my dearest companion, and thechief interest of my existence. And now, perhaps, it was too late!

  I wrung my hands, and glanced round. Ustane was sitting by the couch,and in her eyes burnt the dull light of despair. Job was blubbering--Iam sorry I cannot name his distress by any more delicate word--audiblyin the corner. Seeing my eye fixed upon him, he went outside to give wayto his grief in the passage. Obviously the only hope lay in Ayesha. She,and she alone--unless, indeed, she was an imposter, which I couldnot believe--could save him. I would go and implore her to come. AsI started to do so, however, Job came flying into the room, his hairliterally standing on end with terror.

  "Oh, God help us, sir!" he ejaculated in a frightened whisper, "here's acorpse a-coming sliding down the passage!"

  For a moment I was puzzled, but presently, of course, it struck me thathe must have seen Ayesha, wrapped in her grave-like garment, and beendeceived by the extraordinary undulating smoothness of her walk into abelief that she was a white ghost gliding towards him. Indeed, at thatvery moment the question was settled, for Ayesha herself was in theapartment, or rather cave. Job turned, and saw her sheeted form, andthen, with a convulsive howl of "Here it comes!" sprang into a corner,and jammed his face against the wall, and Ustane, guessing whose thedread presence must be, prostrated herself upon her face.

  "Thou comest in a good time, Ayesha," I said, "for my boy lies at thepoint of death."

  "So," she said softly; "provided he be not dead, it is no matter, for Ican bring him back to life, my Holly. Is that man there thy servant,and is that the method wherewith thy servants greet strangers in thycountry?"

  "He is frightened of thy garb--it hath a death-like air," I answered.

  She laughed.

  "And the girl? Ah, I see now. It is she of whom thou didst speak to me.Well, bid them both to leave us, and we will see to this sick Lion ofthine. I love not that underlings should perceive my wisdom."

  Thereon I told Ustane in Arabic and Job in English both to leave theroom; an order which the latter obeyed readily enough, and was glad toobey, for he could not in any way subdue his fear. But it was otherwisewith Ustane.

  "What does _She_ want?" she whispered, divided between her fear of theterrible Queen and her anxiety to remain near Leo. "It is surely theright of a wife to be near her husband when he dieth. Nay, I will notgo, my lord the Baboon."

  "Why doth not that woman leave us, my Holly?" asked Ayesha from theother end of the cave, where she was engaged in carelessly examiningsome of the sculptures on the wall.

  "She is not willing to leave Leo," I answered, not knowing what to say.Ayesha wheeled round, and, pointing to the girl Ustane, said one word,and one only, but it was quite enough, for the tone in which it was saidmeant volumes.

  "Go!"

  And then Ustane crept past her on her hands and knees, and went.

  "Thou seest, my Holly," said Ayesha, with a little laugh, "it wasneedful that I should give these people a lesson in obedience. That girlwent nigh to disobeying me, but then she did not learn this morn howI treat the disobedient. Well, she has gone; and now let me see theyouth," and she glided towards the couch on which Leo lay, with his facein the shadow and turned towards the wall.

  "He hath a noble shape
," she said, as she bent over him to look upon hisface.

  Next second her tall and willowy form was staggering back across theroom, as though she had been shot or stabbed, staggering back till atlast she struck the cavern wall, and then there burst from her lips themost awful and unearthly scream that I ever heard in all my life.

  "What is it, Ayesha?" I cried. "Is he dead?"

  She turned, and sprang towards me like a tigress.

  "Thou dog!" she said, in her terrible whisper, which sounded like thehiss of a snake, "why didst thou hide this from me?" And she stretchedout her arm, and I thought that she was about to slay me.

  "What?" I ejaculated, in the most lively terror; "what?"

  "Ah!" she said, "perchance thou didst not know. Learn, my Holly, learn:there lies--there lies my lost Kallikrates. Kallikrates, who has comeback to me at last, as I knew he would, as I knew he would;" and shebegan to sob and to laugh, and generally to conduct herself like anyother lady who is a little upset, murmuring "Kallikrates, Kallikrates!"

  "Nonsense," thought I to myself, but I did not like to say it; and,indeed, at that moment I was thinking of Leo's life, having forgotteneverything else in that terrible anxiety. What I feared now was that heshould die while she was "carrying on."

  "Unless thou art able to help him, Ayesha," I put in, by way of areminder, "thy Kallikrates will soon be far beyond thy calling. Surelyhe dieth even now."

  "True," she said, with a start. "Oh, why did I not come before! I amunnerved--my hand trembles, even mine--and yet it is very easy. Here,thou Holly, take this phial," and she produced a tiny jar of potteryfrom the folds of her garment, "and pour the liquid in it down histhroat. It will cure him if he be not dead. Swift, now! Swift! The mandies!"

  I glanced towards him; it was true enough, Leo was in hisdeath-struggle. I saw his poor face turning ashen, and heard the breathbegin to rattle in his throat. The phial was stoppered with a littlepiece of wood. I drew it with my teeth, and a drop of the fluid withinflew out upon my tongue. It had a sweet flavour, and for a second mademy head swim, and a mist gather before my eyes, but happily the effectpassed away as swiftly as it had arisen.

  When I reached Leo's side he was plainly expiring--his golden head wasslowly turning from side to side, and his mouth was slightly open. Icalled to Ayesha to hold his head, and this she managed to do, thoughthe woman was quivering from head to foot, like an aspen-leaf or astartled horse. Then, forcing the jaw a little more open, I poured thecontents of the phial into his mouth. Instantly a little vapour arosefrom it, as happens when one disturbs nitric acid, and this sight didnot increase my hopes, already faint enough, of the efficacy of thetreatment.

  One thing, however, was certain, the death throes ceased--at first Ithought because he had got beyond them, and crossed the awful river.His face turned to a livid pallor, and his heart-beats, which had beenfeeble enough before, seemed to die away altogether--only the eyelidstill twitched a little. In my doubt I looked up at Ayesha, whosehead-wrapping had slipped back in her excitement when she went reelingacross the room. She was still holding Leo's head, and, with a face aspale as his own, watching his countenance with such an expression ofagonised anxiety as I had never seen before. Clearly she did not know ifhe would live or die. Five minutes slowly passed and I saw that she wasabandoning hope; her lovely oval face seemed to fall in and grow visiblythinner beneath the pressure of a mental agony whose pencil drew blacklines about the hollows of her eyes. The coral faded even from her lips,till they were as white as Leo's face, and quivered pitifully. It wasshocking to see her: even in my own grief I felt for hers.

  "Is it too late?" I gasped.

  She hid her face in her hands, and made no answer, and I too turnedaway. But as I did so I heard a deep-drawn breath, and looking downperceived a line of colour creeping up Leo's face, then another andanother, and then, wonder of wonders, the man we had thought dead turnedover on his side.

  "Thou seest," I said in a whisper.

  "I see," she answered hoarsely. "He is saved. I thought we were toolate--another moment--one little moment more--and he had been gone!"and she burst into an awful flood of tears, sobbing as though her heartwould break, and yet looking lovelier than ever as she did it. As lastshe ceased.

  "Forgive me, my Holly--forgive me for my weakness," she said. "Thouseest after all I am a very woman. Think--now think of it! This morningdidst thou speak of the place of torment appointed by this new religionof thine. Hell or Hades thou didst call it--a place where the vitalessence lives and retains an individual memory, and where all the errorsand faults of judgment, and unsatisfied passions and the unsubstantialterrors of the mind wherewith it hath at any time had to do, come tomock and haunt and gibe and wring the heart for ever and for ever withthe vision of its own hopelessness. Thus, even thus, have I lived forfull two thousand years--for some six and sixty generations, as yereckon time--in a Hell, as thou callest it--tormented by the memory ofa crime, tortured day and night with an unfulfilled desire--withoutcompanionship, without comfort, without death, and led on only down mydreary road by the marsh lights of Hope, which, though they flickeredhere and there, and now glowed strong, and now were not, yet, as myskill told me, would one day lead unto my deliverer.

  "And then--think of it still, oh Holly, for never shalt thou hear suchanother tale, or see such another scene, nay, not even if I give theeten thousand years of life--and thou shalt have it in payment if thouwilt--think: at last my deliverer came--he for whom I had watched andwaited through the generations--at the appointed time he came to seekme, as I knew that he must come, for my wisdom could not err, thoughI knew not when or how. Yet see how ignorant I was! See how small myknowledge, and how faint my strength! For hours he lay there sick untodeath, and I felt it not--I who had waited for him for two thousandyears--I knew it not. And then at last I see him, and behold, my chanceis gone but by a hair's breadth even before I have it, for he is in thevery jaws of death, whence no power of mine can draw him. And if he die,surely must the Hell be lived through once more--once more must I facethe weary centuries, and wait, and wait till the time in its fulnessshall bring my Beloved back to me. And then thou gavest him themedicine, and that five minutes dragged long before I knew if he wouldlive or die, and I tell thee that all the sixty generations that aregone were not so long as that five minutes. But they passed at length,and still he showed no sign, and I knew that if the drug works not then,so far as I have had knowledge, it works not at all. Then thought I thathe was once more dead, and all the tortures of all the years gatheredthemselves into a single venomed spear, and pierced me through andthrough, because again I had lost Kallikrates! And then, when all wasdone, behold! he sighed, behold! he lived, and I knew that he wouldlive, for none die on whom the drug takes hold. Think of it now, myHolly--think of the wonder of it! He will sleep for twelve hours andthen the fever will have left him!"

  She stopped, and laid her hand upon his golden head, and then bent downand kissed his brow with a chastened abandonment of tenderness thatwould have been beautiful to behold had not the sight cut me to theheart--for I was jealous!