She

by H. Rider Haggard

  XXV

  THE SPIRIT OF LIFE

  I did as I was bid, and in fear and trembling felt myself guided overthe edge of the stone. I sprawled my legs out, but could touch nothing.

  "I am going to fall!" I gasped.

  "Nay, let thyself go, and trust to me," answered Ayesha.

  Now, if the position is considered, it will be easily understood thatthis was a greater demand upon my confidence than was justified by myknowledge of Ayesha's character. For all I knew she might be in the veryact of consigning me to a horrible doom. But in life we sometimes haveto lay our faith upon strange altars, and so it was now.

  "Let thyself go!" she cried, and, having no choice, I did.

  I felt myself slide a pace or two down the sloping surface of the rock,and then pass into the air, and the thought flashed through my brainthat I was lost. But no! In another instant my feet struck against arocky floor, and I felt that I was standing upon something solid, andout of reach of the wind, which I could hear singing away overhead. AsI stood there thanking Heaven for these small mercies, there was a slipand a scuffle, and down came Leo alongside of me.

  "Hulloa, old fellow!" he called out, "are you there? This is gettinginteresting, is it not?"

  Just then, with a terrific yell, Job arrived right on the top of us,knocking us both down. By the time we had struggled to our feet againAyesha was standing among us, and bidding us light the lamps, whichfortunately remained uninjured, as also did the spare jar of oil.

  I got out my box of wax matches, and they struck as merrily, there, inthat awful place, as they could have done in a London drawing-room.

  In a couple of minutes both the lamps were alight and revealed a curiousscene. We were huddled together in a rocky chamber, some ten feetsquare, and scared enough we looked; that is, except Ayesha, who wasstanding calmly with her arms folded, and waiting for the lamps to burnup. The chamber appeared to be partly natural, and partly hollowed outof the top of the cone. The roof of the natural part was formed of theswinging stone, and that of the back part of the chamber, which slopeddownwards, was hewn from the live rock. For the rest, the place was warmand dry--a perfect haven of rest compared to the giddy pinnacle above,and the quivering spur that shot out to meet it in mid-air.

  "So!" said _She_, "safely have we come, though once I feared thatthe rocking stone would fall with you, and precipitate you into thebottomless depths beneath, for I do believe that the cleft goeth downto the very womb of the world. The rock whereon the stone resteth hathcrumbled beneath the swinging weight. And now that he," nodding towardsJob, who was sitting on the floor, feebly wiping his forehead with a redcotton pocket-handkerchief, "whom they rightly call the 'Pig,' for as apig is he stupid, hath let fall the plank, it will not be easy to returnacross the gulf, and to that end must I make a plan. But now rest awhile, and look upon this place. What think ye that it is?"

  "We know not," I answered.

  "Wouldst thou believe, oh Holly, that once a man did choose this airynest for a daily habitation, and did here endure for many years; leavingit only but one day in every twelve to seek food and water and oil thatthe people brought, more than he could carry, and laid as an offering inthe mouth of the tunnel through which we passed hither?"

  We looked up wonderingly, and she continued--

  "Yet so it was. There was a man--Noot, he named himself--who, thoughhe lived in the latter days, had of the wisdom of the sons of Kôr. Ahermit was he, and a philosopher, and greatly skilled in the secretsof Nature, and he it was who discovered the Fire that I shall show you,which is Nature's blood and life, and also that he who bathed therein,and breathed thereof, should live while Nature lives. But like untothee, oh Holly, this man, Noot, would not turn his knowledge to account.'Ill,' he said, 'was it for man to live, for man was born to die.'Therefore did he tell his secret to none, and therefore did he come andlive here, where the seeker after Life must pass, and was revered ofthe Amahagger of the day as holy, and a hermit. And when first I came tothis country--knowest thou how I came, Kallikrates? Another time I willtell thee, for it is a strange tale--I heard of this philosopher, andwaited for him when he came to fetch his food, and returned with himhither, though greatly did I fear to tread the gulf. Then did I beguilehim with my beauty and my wit, and flatter him with my tongue, so thathe led me down and showed me the Fire, and told me the secrets of theFire, but he would not suffer me to step therein, and, fearing lest heshould slay me, I refrained, knowing that the man was very old, and soonwould die. And I returned, having learned from him all that he knew ofthe wonderful Spirit of the World, and that was much, for the manwas wise and very ancient, and by purity and abstinence, and thecontemplations of his innocent mind, had worn thin the veil between thatwhich we see and the great invisible truths, the whisper of whose wingsat times we hear as they sweep through the gross air of the world.Then--it was but a very few days after, I met thee, my Kallikrates,who hadst wandered hither with the beautiful Egyptian Amenartas, and Ilearned to love for the first and last time, once and for ever, so thatit entered into my mind to come hither with thee, and receive the giftof Life for thee and me. Therefore came we, with that Egyptian who wouldnot be left behind, and, behold, we found the old man Noot lying butnewly dead. _There_ he lay, and his white beard covered him like agarment," and she pointed to a spot near where I was sitting; "butsurely he hath long since crumbled into dust, and the wind hath bornehis ashes hence."

  Here I put out my hand and felt in the dust, and presently my fingerstouched something. It was a human tooth, very yellow, but sound. I heldit up and showed it to Ayesha, who laughed.

  "Yes," she said, "it is his without a doubt. Behold what remaineth ofNoot, and the wisdom of Noot--one little tooth! And yet that man had alllife at his command, and for his conscience' sake would have none ofit. Well, he lay there newly dead, and we descended whither I shall leadyou, and then, gathering up all my courage, and courting death thatI might perchance win so glorious a crown of life, I stepped into theflames, and behold! life such as ye can never know until ye feel italso, flowed into me, and I came forth undying, and lovely beyondimagining. Then did I stretch out mine arms to thee, Kallikrates,and bid thee take thine immortal bride, and behold, as I spoke, thou,blinded by my beauty, didst turn from me, and throw thine arms about theneck of Amenartas. And then a great fury filled me, and made me mad,and I seized the javelin that thou didst bear, and stabbed thee, so thatthere, at my very feet, in the place of Life, thou didst groan and godown into death. I knew not then that I had strength to slay with mineeyes and by the power of my will, therefore in my madness slew I withthe javelin.[*]

  [*] It will be observed that Ayesha's account of the death of Kallikrates differs materially from that written on the potsherd by Amenartas. The writing on the sherd says, "Then in her rage did she smite him _by her magic_, and he died." We never ascertained which was the correct version, but it will be remembered that the body of Kallikrates had a spear- wound in the breast, which seems conclusive, unless, indeed, it was inflicted after death. Another thing that we never ascertained was _how_ the two women--_She_ and the Egyptian Amenartas--were able to bear the corpse of the man they both loved across the dread gulf and along the shaking spur. What a spectacle the two distracted creatures must have presented in their grief and loveliness as they toiled along that awful place with the dead man between them! Probably however the passage was easier then.--L. H. H.

  "And when thou wast dead, ah! I wept, because I was undying and thouwast dead. I wept there in the place of Life so that had I been mortalany more my heart had surely broken. And she, the swart Egyptian--shecursed me by her gods. By Osiris did she curse me and by Isis, byNephthys and by Anubis, by Sekhet, the cat-headed, and by Set, callingdown evil on me, evil and everlasting desolation. Ah! I can see her darkface now lowering o'er me like a storm, but she could not hurt me, andI--I know not if I could hurt her. I did not try; it was naught to methen; so together we bore thee hence.
And afterwards I sent her--theEgyptian--away through the swamps, and it seems that she lived to beara son and to write the tale that should lead thee, her husband, back tome, her rival and thy murderess.

  "Such is the tale, my love, and now is the hour at hand that shall seta crown upon it. Like all things on the earth, it is compounded of eviland of good--more of evil than of good, perchance; and writ in lettersof blood. It is the truth; naught have I hidden from thee, Kallikrates.And now one thing before the final moment of thy trial. We go downinto the presence of Death, for Life and Death are very near together,and--who knoweth?--that might happen which should separate us foranother space of waiting. I am but a woman, and no prophetess, and Icannot read the future. But this I know--for I learned it from thelips of the wise man Noot--that my life is but prolonged and made morebright. It cannot live for aye. Therefore, before we go, tell me, ohKallikrates, that of a truth thou dost forgive me, and dost love me fromthy heart. See, Kallikrates: much evil have I done--perchance it wasevil but two nights ago to strike that girl who loved thee cold indeath--but she disobeyed me and angered me, prophesying misfortune tome, and I smote. Be careful when power comes to thee also, lest thoutoo shouldst smite in thine anger or thy jealousy, for unconquerablestrength is a sore weapon in the hands of erring man. Yea, I havesinned--out of the bitterness born of a great love have I sinned--butyet do I know the good from the evil, nor is my heart altogetherhardened. Thy love, Kallikrates, shall be the gate of my redemption,even as aforetime my passion was the path down which I ran to evil. Fordeep love unsatisfied is the hell of noble hearts and a portion of theaccursed, but love that is mirrored back more perfect from the soul ofour desired doth fashion wings to lift us above ourselves, and makes uswhat we might be. Therefore, Kallikrates, take me by the hand, and liftmy veil with no more fear than though I were some peasant girl, and notthe wisest and most beauteous woman in this wide world, and look me inthe eyes, and tell me that thou dost forgive me with all thine heart,and that will all thine heart thou dost worship me."

  She paused, and the strange tenderness in her voice seemed to hoverround us like a memory. I know that the sound of it moved me more eventhan her words, it was so very human--so very womanly. Leo, too, wasstrangely touched. Hitherto he had been fascinated against his betterjudgment, something as a bird is fascinated by a snake, but now I thinkthat all this passed away, and he realised that he really loved thisstrange and glorious creature, as, alas! I loved her also. At any rate,I saw his eyes fill with tears, and he stepped swiftly to her and undidthe gauzy veil, and then took her by the hand, and, gazing into her deepeyes, said aloud--

  "Ayesha, I love thee with all my heart, and so far as forgiveness ispossible I forgive thee the death of Ustane. For the rest, it is betweenthee and thy Maker; I know naught of it. I only know that I love thee asI never loved before, and that I will cleave to thee to the end."

  "Now," answered Ayesha, with proud humility--"now when my lord dothspeak thus royally and give with so free a hand, it cannot become me tolag behind in words, and be beggared of my generosity. Behold!" and shetook his hand and placed it upon her shapely head, and then bent herselfslowly down till one knee for an instant touched the ground--"Behold! intoken of submission do I bow me to my lord! Behold!" and she kissed himon the lips, "in token of my wifely love do I kiss my lord. Behold!"and she laid her hand upon his heart, "by the sin I sinned, by my lonelycenturies of waiting wherewith it was wiped out, by the great lovewherewith I love, and by the Spirit--the Eternal Thing that doth begetall life, from whom it ebbs, to whom it doth return again--I swear:--

  "I swear, even in this most holy hour of completed Womanhood, that Iwill abandon Evil and cherish Good. I swear that I will be ever guidedby thy voice in the straightest path of Duty. I swear that I will eschewAmbition, and through all my length of endless days set Wisdom over meas a guiding star to lead me unto Truth and a knowledge of the Right.I swear also that I will honour and will cherish thee, Kallikrates, whohast been swept by the wave of time back into my arms, ay, till the veryend, come it soon or late. I swear--nay, I will swear no more, for whatare words? Yet shalt thou learn that Ayesha hath no false tongue.

  "So I have sworn, and thou, my Holly, art witness to my oath. Here, too,are we wed, my husband, with the gloom for bridal canopy--wed till theend of all things; here do we write our marriage vows upon the rushingwinds which shall bear them up to heaven, and round and continuallyround this rolling world.

  "And for a bridal gift I crown thee with my beauty's starry crown, andenduring life, and wisdom without measure, and wealth that none cancount. Behold! the great ones of the earth shall creep about thy feet,and its fair women shall cover up their eyes because of the shiningglory of thy countenance, and its wise ones shall be abased before thee.Thou shalt read the hearts of men as an open writing, and hither andthither shalt thou lead them as thy pleasure listeth. Like that oldSphinx of Egypt shalt thou sit aloft from age to age, and ever shallthey cry to thee to solve the riddle of thy greatness that doth not passaway, and ever shalt thou mock them with thy silence!

  "Behold! once more I kiss thee, and by that kiss I give to thee dominionover sea and earth, over the peasant in his hovel, over the monarch inhis palace halls, and cities crowned with towers, and those who breathetherein. Where'er the sun shakes out his spears, and the lonesome watersmirror up the moon, where'er storms roll, and Heaven's painted bows archin the sky--from the pure North clad in snows, across the middle spacesof the world, to where the amorous South, lying like a bride upon herblue couch of seas, breathes in sighs made sweet with the odour ofmyrtles--there shall thy power pass and thy dominion find a home. Norsickness, nor icy-fingered fear, nor sorrow, and pale waste of form andmind hovering ever o'er humanity, shall so much as shadow thee with theshadow of their wings. As a God shalt thou be, holding good and evil inthe hollow of thy hand, and I, even I, I humble myself before thee.Such is the power of Love, and such is the bridal gift I give unto thee,Kallikrates, my Lord and Lord of All.

  "And now it is done; now for thee I loose my virgin zone; and comestorm, come shine, come good, come evil, come life, come death, itnever, never can be undone. For, of a truth, that which is, is, and,being done, is done for aye, and cannot be altered. I have said--Let ushence, that all things may be accomplished in their order;" and, takingone of the lamps, she advanced towards the end of the chamber that wasroofed in by the swaying stone, where she halted.

  We followed her, and perceived that in the wall of the cone there was astair, or, to be more accurate, that some projecting knobs of rock hadbeen so shaped as to form a good imitation of a stair. Down this Ayeshabegan to climb, springing from step to step, like a chamois, and afterher we followed with less grace. When we had descended some fifteenor sixteen steps we found that they ended in a tremendous rocky slope,running first outwards and then inwards--like the slope of an invertedcone, or tunnel. The slope was very steep, and often precipitous, butit was nowhere impassable, and by the light of the lamps we went down itwith no great difficulty, though it was gloomy work enough travelling onthus, no one of us knew whither, into the dead heart of a volcano. Aswe went, however, I took the precaution of noting our route as well asI could; and this was not so very difficult, owing to the extraordinaryand most fantastic shape of the rocks that were strewn about, many ofwhich in that dim light looked more like the grim faces carven uponmediæval gargoyles than ordinary boulders.

  For a long time we travelled on thus, half an hour I should say, till,after we had descended for many hundreds of feet, I perceived that wewere reaching the point of the inverted cone. In another minute we werethere, and found that at the very apex of the funnel was a passage, solow and narrow that we had to stoop as we crept along it in Indian file.After some fifty yards of this creeping, the passage suddenly widenedinto a cave, so huge that we could see neither the roof nor the sides.We only knew that it was a cave by the echo of our tread and the perfectquiet of the heavy air. On we went for many minutes in absolute awedsilence, like lost souls in
the depths of Hades, Ayesha's white andghost-like form flitting in front of us, till once more the place endedin a passage which opened into a second cavern much smaller than thefirst. Indeed, we could clearly make out the arch and stony banks ofthis second cave, and, from their rent and jagged appearance, discoveredthat, like the first long passage down which we had passed through thecliff before we reached the quivering spur, it had, to all appearance,been torn in the bowels of the rock by the terrific force of someexplosive gas. At length this cave ended in a third passage, throughwhich gleamed a faint glow of light.

  I heard Ayesha give a sigh of relief as this light dawned upon us.

  "It is well," she said; "prepare to enter the very womb of the Earth,wherein she doth conceive the Life that ye see brought forth in man andbeast--ay, and in every tree and flower."

  Swiftly she sped along, and after her we stumbled as best we might, ourhearts filled like a cup with mingled dread and curiosity. What were weabout to see? We passed down the tunnel; stronger and stronger the lightbeamed, reaching us in great flashes like the rays from a lighthouse, asone by one they are thrown wide upon the darkness of the waters. Nor wasthis all, for with the flashes came a soul-shaking sound like that ofthunder and of crashing trees. Now we were through it, and--oh heavens!

  We stood in a third cavern, some fifty feet in length by perhaps asgreat a height, and thirty wide. It was carpeted with fine white sand,and its walls had been worn smooth by the action of I know not what. Thecavern was not dark like the others, it was filled with a soft glow ofrose-coloured light, more beautiful to look on than anything that canbe conceived. But at first we saw no flashes, and heard no more of thethunderous sound. Presently, however, as we stood in amaze, gazing atthe marvellous sight, and wondering whence the rosy radiance flowed, adread and beautiful thing happened. Across the far end of thecavern, with a grinding and crashing noise--a noise so dreadful andawe-inspiring that we all trembled, and Job actually sank to hisknees--there flamed out an awful cloud or pillar of fire, like a rainbowmany-coloured, and like the lightning bright. For a space, perhaps fortyseconds, it flamed and roared thus, turning slowly round and round, andthen by degrees the terrible noise ceased, and with the fire it passedaway--I know not where--leaving behind it the same rosy glow that we hadfirst seen.

  "Draw near, draw near!" cried Ayesha, with a voice of thrillingexultation. "Behold the very Fountain and Heart of Life as it beats inthe bosom of the great world. Behold the substance from which all thingsdraw their energy, the bright Spirit of the Globe, without which itcannot live, but must grow cold and dead as the dead moon. Draw near,and wash you in the living flames, and take their virtue into your poorframes in all its virgin strength--not as it now feebly glows withinyour bosoms, filtered thereto through all the fine strainers of athousand intermediate lives, but as it is here in the very fount andseat of earthly Being."

  We followed her through the rosy glow up to the head of the cave, tillat last we stood before the spot where the great pulse beat and thegreat flame passed. And as we went we became sensible of a wild andsplendid exhilaration, of a glorious sense of such a fierce intensity ofLife that the most buoyant moments of our strength seemed flat and tameand feeble beside it. It was the mere effluvium of the flame, the subtleether that it cast off as it passed, working on us, and making us feelstrong as giants and swift as eagles.

  We reached the head of the cave, and gazed at each other in the gloriousglow, and laughed aloud--even Job laughed, and he had not laughed for aweek--in the lightness of our hearts and the divine intoxication of ourbrains. I know that I felt as though all the varied genius of which thehuman intellect is capable had descended upon me. I could have spokenin blank verse of Shakesperian beauty, all sorts of great ideas flashedthrough my mind; it was as though the bonds of my flesh had beenloosened and left the spirit free to soar to the empyrean of its nativepower. The sensations that poured in upon me are indescribable. I seemedto live more keenly, to reach to a higher joy, and sip the goblet of asubtler thought than ever it had been my lot to do before. I was anotherand most glorified self, and all the avenues of the Possible were for aspace laid open to the footsteps of the Real.

  Then, suddenly, whilst I rejoiced in this splendid vigour of a new-foundself, from far, far away there came a dreadful muttering noise, thatgrew and grew to a crash and a roar, which combined in itself all thatis terrible and yet splendid in the possibilities of sound. Nearer itcame, and nearer yet, till it was close upon us, rolling down like allthe thunder-wheels of heaven behind the horses of the lightning. Onit came, and with it came the glorious blinding cloud of many-colouredlight, and stood before us for a space, turning, as it seemed to us,slowly round and round, and then, accompanied by its attendant pomp ofsound, passed away I know not whither.

  So astonishing was the wondrous sight that one and all of us, save_She_, who stood up and stretched her hands towards the fire, sank downbefore it, and hid our faces in the sand.

  When it was gone, Ayesha spoke.

  "Now, Kallikrates," she said, "the mighty moment is at hand. When thegreat flame comes again thou must stand in it. First throw aside thygarments, for it will burn them, though thee it will not hurt. Thou muststand in the flame while thy senses will endure, and when it embracesthee suck the fire down into thy very heart, and let it leap and playaround thy every part, so that thou lose no moiety of its virtue.Hearest thou me, Kallikrates?"

  "I hear thee, Ayesha," answered Leo, "but, of a truth--I am nocoward--but I doubt me of that raging flame. How know I that it willnot utterly destroy me, so that I lose myself and lose thee also?Nevertheless will I do it," he added.

  Ayesha thought for a minute, and then said--

  "It is not wonderful that thou shouldst doubt. Tell me, Kallikrates:if thou seest me stand in the flame and come forth unharmed, wilt thouenter also?"

  "Yes," he answered, "I will enter even if it slay me. I have said that Iwill enter now."

  "And that will I also," I cried.

  "What, my Holly!" she laughed aloud; "methought that thou wouldst naughtof length of days. Why, how is this?"

  "Nay, I know not," I answered, "but there is that in my heart thatcalleth me to taste of the flame and live."

  "It is well," she said. "Thou art not altogether lost in folly. See now,I will for the second time bathe me in this living bath. Fain would Iadd to my beauty and my length of days if that be possible. If it be notpossible, at the least it cannot harm me.

  "Also," she continued, after a momentary pause, "is there another anda deeper cause why I would once again dip me in the flame. When first Itasted of its virtue full was my heart of passion and of hatred ofthat Egyptian Amenartas, and therefore, despite my strivings to be ridthereof, have passion and hatred been stamped upon my soul from that sadhour to this. But now it is otherwise. Now is my mood a happy mood, andfilled am I with the purest part of thought, and so would I ever be.Therefore, Kallikrates, will I once more wash and make me pure andclean, and yet more fit for thee. Therefore also, when thou dost in turnstand in the fire, empty all thy heart of evil, and let soft contentmenthold the balance of thy mind. Shake loose thy spirit's wings, and takethy stand upon the utter verge of holy contemplation; ay, dream upon thymother's kiss, and turn thee towards the vision of the highest good thathath ever swept on silver wings across the silence of thy dreams. Forfrom the germ of what thou art in that dread moment shall grow the fruitof what thou shalt be for all unreckoned time.

  "Now prepare thee, prepare! even as though thy last hour were at hand,and thou wast to cross to the Land of Shadows, and not through the Gatesof Glory into the realms of Life made beautiful. Prepare, I say!"