Macarons at Midnight

by Suzanne Nelson

  “I’ve never thought about it that way,” I said. “But … it makes sense.”

  He nodded. “And hey, you won’t be on the food beat forever. I had to put you on it because that’s where I needed you. But … you’re a really good writer.” I blushed at his compliment and thanked him. “If something opens up in Features or Op-Ed down the road, you’ll be one of the top candidates,” he added.

  I raised an eyebrow. “One of the top?”

  He elbowed me. “Now you’re getting cocky.”

  “No way,” I retaliated playfully. “You just can’t handle the competition. Someday, I might be vying for your job, Mr. Editor-in-Chief.”

  “Believe me, I’d love it if you ousted me,” he said with a laugh. “But who’d explain it to my dad?”

  I scoffed. “Don’t look at me. I’ve had enough Dad drama in the last month to last a lifetime.”

  “Really?”

  I nodded. “Sometimes I think that parents try so hard to make kids happy that they have a tough time believing when they’re not. But things with my dad are getting better because I was honest with him. Something you could try.” I elbowed him back.

  “You’re relentless.”

  “And you’re impossible,” I countered.

  He laughed, shaking his head. “We make quite a pair,” he said, then instantly blushed. “I didn’t mean, I meant—”

  “It’s okay,” I blurted, giggling like a fool through my own mad blushing. “I know what you meant.” But did I? Had that been a slip of the tongue, or something else? “We should, um, probably catch up to everyone else,” I stammered, avoiding his eyes. I spun on my heel to head back to the path, but when I did, I lost my balance on the loose rocks under my feet.

  Raj’s hand caught my arm, and I felt myself melting at his touch. “Okay?” he asked softly.

  No words would come, so I just nodded, trying to catch my breath and find my footing. He stayed close to me as we walked back through the trees, and I hoped fervently it was because he wanted to and not just because I was a klutz. In a few minutes, the path began to curve in and out of weathered, moss-covered headstones.

  “We’re here,” I said quietly, stopping in front of the small headstone belonging to Louisa May Alcott. But we were alone.

  “I guess the rest of the group must have walked ahead,” Raj said. “Do you … want to catch up with them?” he asked, and I thought I heard some reluctance in his voice.

  “Not yet,” I said. “It’s perfect this way.”

  “It is.” He nodded, then reached into his messenger bag for his sketchbook. “I wanted to get some grave rubbings, and then sketch for a few minutes. If that’s okay.”

  “Sure,” I said. I left him to his sketchbook and went to do some exploring. Author’s Ridge was a quiet, shaded spot with a lovely view of the gardens of the cemetery, sprinkled with the resting places of authors of ages past. I found the perfect rock a little ways away, lit with golden sunshine, and sat down on it to take it all in. I was thinking up an idea for a story when I felt a hand brush my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see Raj, his black curls lit with sun.

  “It’s probably time to get back,” he said.

  “Oh,” I said sadly, not ready for the afternoon to be over. But Raj was already putting his sketchbook away. “Can I see what you were working on?” I asked.

  He blushed. “It’s … it’s not finished yet,” he said quickly. “Maybe some other time.” He shut his messenger bag and reached out his hand to help me up off the rock. “Ready to go?”

  I slid my hand into his and that instant electricity surged through my fingertips. I could have stood like that forever, but he let go, and I took a deep breath to calm my racing heart. It was now or never.

  “Not yet,” I blurted. “I, um, actually wanted to talk to you about something important.”

  “That’s so funny,” he said. “I was about to say the same thing.”

  “Really?” I squeaked, thinking I might hyperventilate. What was he about to tell me? That he’d figured out who I was? I clung to the hope as I watched his face, waiting.

  “You first,” he said, his eyes intent on mine.

  “Okay.” I could barely hear my own voice over the clanging of my pulse. “I guess what I want to say is, I’m not who you think I am.” I gulped air. “I am, but … I’m not.” He looked thoroughly confused now, and I shook my head. What, was I speaking in tongues? Why couldn’t I just spit it out already? “What I mean is that I’m … I’m—”

  “I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot, too,” Raj said.

  The words I’m the Frog Princess died on my tongue. “Wait. What?”

  “I’m sorry, too,” he said amicably. “And I’m so glad we’re becoming friends, because I feel like I can confide in you.”

  “About what?” I eked out. This did not sound good.

  Raj blew out a breath of air, then announced, “I’m going to ask Viv to Winter Formal!”

  I could’ve sworn that the world fell away as his words sunk in. But then I blinked, and I was still there, standing in the middle of a cemetery on a mild, sunshiny February day. I was alive. The world hadn’t ended. The only thing bruised was my heart.

  “W-wow,” I managed to stammer. “But … I thought you weren’t really connecting? You know, face-to-face.”

  Raj shrugged. “I figure we’ll get there … eventually. If we’re so good online, it’s bound to roll over into real life sooner or later. There are probably a dozen guys planning to ask her to the dance. I don’t want to risk losing my chance to be one of them.”

  “Right,” I said, feeling numb. “That’s … amazing.”

  Relief swept his face. “So you think she’ll say yes, then?”

  “I … I’m not sure,” I said. Viv had told me a few hours ago that Raj was free for the taking. But now I remembered the stilted look on her face. And that unusually wide smile. How could I not have realized it before? That was her cover-girl smile, the one she wore when she was acting. And if Viv had been faking it, then that meant …

  “I think she likes you.” I swallowed, feeling like tweezers were pinching my chest.

  “Really? That’s great.” He smiled. “At first, I actually thought she might be stringing me along. But that’s not who she really is. The girl she is online is smart, funny. She’s so beautiful, inside and out.”

  Beautiful. There was that word again. The one that had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Viv.

  “She’s the girl I want to take to the dance,” he finished.

  Except that you don’t know who she is! I wanted to yell. It was hard to look him in the eye, but I made myself. “So … you should do whatever your heart tells you to.”

  He grinned broadly. “Thanks. I will.”

  I was so quiet on our walk back to Orchard House that Raj asked me twice if I was okay. I answered that I was, but from his worried glances, I wasn’t sure he believed me. Finally, I made up an excuse about having a headache and walked ahead of the rest of the group, leaving Raj chatting with his friends. All I wanted to do was get on the bus, try not to cry, and forget about everything that had happened.

  Unfortunately, first I had to talk to Viv, and the sooner I got it over with the better. I found her and Kyan on a bench outside Orchard House, sharing the headphones on his iPod. Viv looked way happier than she had after her fight with her mom this morning. They looked so natural sitting there together, that if I hadn’t known them, I would’ve mistaken them for a couple. But the instant they caught sight of me, Viv jumped to her feet.

  “How’d it go?” Kyan asked. “Mission accomplished?”

  “Mission aborted,” I said. Before they could start with a million questions I wasn’t in the mood to answer, I blurted, “He wants to ask Viv to the dance.”

  “What?” Viv gasped, her fair skin flushing scarlet. “But, but … how do you know?”

  “He told me.” I shrugged as nonchalantly as I could. “He really likes you.”


  “Me?” she whispered. A dreamy smile snuck onto her face, but then she quickly quenched it, looking worriedly at me. “Oh, Lise,” she said. “How did this happen? I swear I didn’t try to make him like me …”

  “I know,” I said, fighting down the lump in my throat. “It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not!” Kyan blurted, and I could see by his face that he was as crestfallen about this as I was. He turned to Viv, blustering. “You’re—you’re not going to go to the dance with him, are you?”

  Viv bit her lip, looking more uncomfortable by the second.

  “I think it depends on how you feel about him,” I said to her. “Do you like him, too?”

  I held my breath, waiting and watching as first confusion, and then guilt, swept over Viv’s face.

  “I … I don’t know!” she cried. “I mean, this is totally unfair to you, Lise, but sometimes …” She put her head in her hands, and a muffled, “I think I might,” squeaked out from between her fingers.

  The world became a Tilt-A-Whirl again, but this time the dizziness didn’t stop.

  “Argh!” she cried. “I’m a horrible friend!” She frowned at me. “I’m sorry. It’s just … I’ve never had a guy treat me the way he does.”

  “Hey!” Kyan protested.

  She gave him an apologetic smile. “I meant a guy besides you,” she said casually.

  I was sure she didn’t intend it to hurt, but suddenly the hopeful light in Kyan’s eyes blinked out. Poor guy. I felt his pain.

  “Who cares if there’s no fireworks?” Viv continued, more to herself than to us. “The chemistry I had with all those other boys only ended badly. With Raj, there’s something more. He’s smart and interesting …”

  “I know,” I said softly. That was exactly the way I felt about him, too.

  She looked at me guiltily. “Lise, I promise I won’t go to the dance with him if you don’t want me to. Just … tell me what to do.”

  She meant it. She’d do whatever I asked her to. The problem was, even though I wanted to change things, I couldn’t. Viv deserved a shot with a nice guy. It should’ve been Kyan, but she was stuck on Raj. And Raj was stuck on Viv’s beauty. So what was the point of all of us losing out on what we wanted?

  Ignoring the ache in my chest, I finally said, “If you want to go to the dance with Raj, you should.”

  “But … what about you?” Viv asked. “You like him, too! You said so this morning.”

  “No, I didn’t,” I said carefully. “I said I wanted to tell him the truth.” Ha! That was laughable, when I was lying right now. I took a deep breath. “I wasn’t sure how I felt about him, either. But now I know.” I shrugged. “Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want me?”

  I turned away, not sure how much longer I could last without giving myself away. “You know, I’m wiped after that long walk. I’m going to head for the buses.”

  “Me too,” Kyan said quickly, following me.

  “Oh, okay,” Viv said, looking disappointed. “I guess I’ll go find Raj, then.” She looked at us hesitantly. “See you back on the bus in a bit?”

  “Later,” I said, waving and giving her my best attempt at a reassuring smile.

  I hurried toward the buses with Kyan, trying not to think about how much I was dreading having to listen to Viv flirting with Raj on the way home.

  “You okay?” I asked, elbowing him.

  “Nope. You?”

  “Not a chance,” I said. “Got any audiobooks on your iPod we can listen to on the way back?”

  He thought for a minute. “I uploaded Romeo and Juliet for English?”

  “The story of a love at first sight doomed to end in tragedy.” I nodded forlornly. “Perfect.”

  The second I saw Viv waiting at my locker on Monday morning, I broke into a cold sweat. She was smiling hesitantly, but her eyes danced around mine without being able to meet them. I knew what it was before she even opened her mouth.

  “So he asked you?” I said, more to get it over with than to make it easier for her. I knew I had no right to be irritated with her when I’d basically given her the green light already. But that didn’t mean I wanted to think about it.

  Viv nodded. “He called last night.” Her cheeks took on a happy, rosy shine. She was glowing, no doubt about it. “And I said yes.”

  I mustered a smile even as my heart hit the floor. “That’s great,” I said quickly, focusing on swapping books out of my locker. “I’m happy for you.”

  “Really? Because I was scared to tell you.” She took a shuddering breath. “I barely slept last night. I don’t want things to be weird between us.” She peered at me anxiously. “Are you sure you’re okay with it?”

  I glanced at her, feeling the truth on the tip of my tongue. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it, seeing her standing there beaming with happiness.

  “Yup,” I blurted, praying that Kyan would show up so that I could be done with this conversation. We had a Bio quiz later today, and he’d told me he’d meet me here early so that we could review our notes. “Everything’s fine.”

  Relief washed over her face, and she gave my hand an excited squeeze. “I’m so glad!” she squealed. “I was going to wear one of the dresses from my photo shoots, but then I decided I wanted something that I picked out myself. Will you go dress shopping with me? That would be so much fun!”

  Oh, this was torture. “Sure,” I said.

  “It was weird when he asked me,” she said, shaking her head. “I didn’t even get butterflies. But I guess nice guys are sort of like brothers, right?”

  “Um … brothers?” She lost me there. Kyan felt like a brother to me. But Raj? No way.

  “Anyway, I don’t need thrills.” She giggled. “You know, I’ve had tons of crushes before, but this is different. This one’s going to stick. I can feel it.”

  “It better,” I blurted before I could stop myself.

  Viv frowned in confusion. “What do you mean?”

  Great. I had to go and say that out loud. I shut my locker and shouldered my bag. “I mean … I’ve heard you say the same thing about other guys before.” So many times, and I hadn’t even been in Whitman that long. “Just … don’t dump Raj in a week, like you usually do, okay?” Because I don’t want him to get hurt, in spite of it all, I thought.

  Her frown deepened. “I don’t usually do that.” There was a defensive tone to her voice, but then her face brightened. “Besides, those other guys were jerks. I wouldn’t do anything like that to Raj.”

  “Good,” I said, and then thankfully, I saw Kyan waving from the other end of the hallway. “I’ve got to go,” I said. “Kyan and I have a date.”

  “A date?” she repeated, her brow crinkling. “Wait, are you and Kyan … ?”

  “It’s a study date,” I said. “You know I love Kyan, but not like that.”

  “Oh … right.” Was it me, or did she look the slightest bit relieved? She giggled. “Kyan dating …” She shook her head. “I’ve never thought about that before. That would be sad.”

  “Why?” I said, feeling a sudden urge to defend Kyan. “Kyan’s smart and fun! And cute.”

  “I know, Lise, I didn’t mean sad as in pathetic. I meant sad, because if he had a girlfriend, then I wouldn’t get to hang out with him as much.”

  I shrugged, clenching my teeth to stem my growing annoyance. “Well,” I said, smiling as nonchalantly as I could as I turned down the hallway. “Nobody gets everything they want.”

  Viv waved, staring after me with a slightly puzzled look, and I felt a prick of guilt. Maybe it had been a little dig on my part, but I couldn’t help myself. Did she expect every guy in this school to be at her beck and call?

  My frustration must have showed on my face, because as soon as I reached Kyan, he asked, “It’s official, isn’t it?”

  I nodded. “They’re going together.”

  “I knew it.” He sighed. “I’ve watched her go through boyfriend after boyfr
iend, but I’ve never been bothered this much before. I think it’s because I’m worried this one might actually work.”

  “Me too,” I said softly, shaking my head. “But … I guess we’ve got to get over it. Right?”

  “How am I supposed to get over a crush I’ve had since preschool?” He slumped down at one of the lab tables.

  I thought about it for a minute. “By meeting someone else? Maybe at Winter Formal?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right. Nobody goes to that without a date.”

  I offered him an encouraging smile. “How about we go together?”

  “You mean as friends?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “Sure. Why not? It’ll help me keep my mind off Raj, and your mind off Viv. Or, if it doesn’t help, at least we can wallow in misery together.”

  Kyan laughed. “Thanks, Lise. If you were a bug, you’d be a tree lobster.”

  “Um … that’s good I hope?”

  He grinned. “It means you’re the rarest, coolest ever.”

  “Ah.” I slugged him playfully. “That’s the strangest but best compliment anyone’s ever given me. Thanks.”

  Even though I’d tried giving Kyan a boost of hope, I wasn’t sure I’d actually succeeded. As for me, I felt beyond hopeless. Less like a tree lobster, and more like a squashed ant.

  By the time I came home that afternoon, I was close to tears. The house was quiet, and there was a note on the kitchen table from Gail saying she’d gone to a doctor’s appointment.

  I grabbed a handful of candy from Gail’s stash in the pantry, then headed upstairs to drown my sorrows in chocolate. I swung open the door and nearly slammed into Destry.

  “Ouch!” she shrieked, grabbing one of her toes.

  “Sorry!” I cried. “I didn’t know you were right behind the door!” I sucked in a breath to prepare for her tirade, but she only waved her hand distractedly.

  “I’m fine. I was trying to decide on this outfit.” She motioned to the mirror hanging on the backside of the door. “But it looks horrible, like every other thing I’ve tried on.” She flung herself onto the bed. “Ugh. I have nothing to wear!”