Finding Bliss

by Dina Silver

  “Sure,” he said. “Couch or crib?”

  “We have a fluffy queen-sized bed in the guest room with your name on it. I’ll even put magazines in the bathroom for you.”

  “Wow.”

  Cam landed in Chicago the next night and took a cab to my house. I ordered Chinese food, and we sat on the floor in front of the TV like old times.

  “So what’s the plan?” he asked me. “I know you have a plan.”

  I let out a small laugh. “Oh, I had plans.”

  “Come on, seriously, I’m going to make you talk about this because I know you don’t want to.”

  “And I’m going to make you go to a hotel.”

  “Do you know what you’re going to do?”

  I scooped a forkful of skinny noodles into my mouth and chewed before answering. “I’m not sure what will eventually end my marriage, Tyler’s affair or my pride.”

  “Has he apologized? Does he want to make things work?” he asked.

  “I really haven’t given him a chance to. I mean, let me rephrase that, he’s had plenty of chances, but I haven’t been willing to hear him out. Not yet.”

  “Why not?”

  I stretched my legs out in front of me and placed my plate on the coffee table. “I don’t want to talk over the phone, and I’m not ready to see him in person. I can’t tell you how hard it was to look at him when I realized he was lying to my face. I’m not sure I can stomach it again.”

  Cameron nodded. “I get that, but you’re having a kid together in a few months. You need to get this over with, either way, and move forward. Do you know if he’s still seeing the girl?”

  “According to his cousin’s wife, they’re over.”

  Cam dug through the plastic bag that held our food and pulled out two fortune cookies. “Which one do you want?” he asked. “Make it good.”

  I pointed to the one in his right hand, and he opened it for me.

  “The object of your desire comes closer,” he read and pointed to himself.

  I rolled my eyes. “Give me that,” I said, snatching it out of his hand. The words were exactly as he’d said them. I smiled and met his gaze. “It probably means the baby.”

  “Probably.”

  I placed the small piece of paper in my lap. “I’m sure you and every other guy out there are dying to be with a divorced single mother.”

  “I never said that I was or I wasn’t. I was simply quoting Confucius.”

  “I’m glad you’re here,” I said.

  “I promise not to play on your vulnerabilities.” He smirked. “Too much.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I mean it, you know I want what’s best for you. But mostly I want you to have what you deserve, and you deserve to be happy. You need to be able to move on. Either you’re getting divorced or you’re going to forgive Tyler and move past it.”

  “You make it sound so easy. Maybe the answer is in the last cookie? Let me have it.”

  Cam tossed the fortune cookie at me, and I cracked it open over my plate. It read, “A good way to keep healthy is to eat more Chinese food.”

  CHAPTER FORTY

  I woke up the next morning and dialed Tyler’s cell phone. It’d been too long since I’d heard his voice, and he answered on the first ring.

  “Hey,” he answered. I could hear the hopefulness in his voice in just that one word.

  “I guess we should talk.”

  “I’m ready, tell me when and where. Can I come by the house later?”

  “Cam’s in town, and he’s staying here, so why don’t you come by the office tonight around six.”

  He took a moment before answering. “I’ll see you at six.”

  My hands were trembling when I hung up the phone.

  Cam was at the kitchen island with his laptop and a cup of coffee when I went downstairs.

  “I called Tyler,” I said.

  “And?”

  “And he’s going to come by the office tonight so that we can talk.”

  He nodded. “What are you going to say?”

  “I’m hoping to listen mostly. I’m not going to put any pressure on myself to make a decision.”

  “Good luck with that.”

  My workday was typically busy. I did my best to not watch the clock, but at five thirty, I began to get anxious. I told Rachel that Tyler was coming by, and asked her to stay a little late to make sure that no one bothered us once he’d arrived.

  She walked him in at five minutes to six.

  “Thanks, Rachel,” I said and smiled at her. She shut the door on her way out.

  Tyler walked over to give me a kiss, and I let him.

  “Have a seat,” I said, and then shook my head at how formal that sounded.

  Tyler sat in one of the chairs across from me, and his eyes went straight to my belly. “You look great,” he said.

  “Thank you.”

  “How do you feel?”

  “Pretty good.”

  Tyler leaned forward and clasped his hands, dropping them between his legs. He looked great himself. His hair was shorter and messy, and he was wearing the North Face winter coat I’d bought for him the year before.

  “Do you want to take your coat off?” I asked.

  “Oh yeah,” he said and shed his jacket behind him on the chair before leaning forward again. “Thanks for letting me see you.”

  I smiled.

  “I’ve been thinking a lot about what to say to you, and I just want to start with an apology. I’m really, really sorry for what I’ve done.” He struggled with the words, but I could tell he was being sincere.

  I gently scratched the side of my nose. I could already tell I was going to cry at some point during this conversation and was regretting meeting at the office.

  He continued, “I don’t have an excuse for what I did. You have to believe me when I say I never wanted to hurt you.”

  I tilted my head and rolled my eyes as passively as I could. “Why did you go through with the IVF if you were unhappy? Why would you put us both through all this if it’s not what you wanted?”

  He sat in silence for a moment before answering. “I didn’t want to add you to the list of people I’ve disappointed in my life.”

  “Oh, please, you do not get to play the victim here.” I raised my voice, and then took a deep breath. “I’m sure you’re sorry, and I get that you think you can’t come up with an excuse, but I’m going to need some sort of an explanation for why you did this before I can even begin to consider forgiving you and moving forward. I don’t want excuses, I want answers.” I paused. “I said I was going to subpoena your phone and text records, and I did.” The reality of my comment hit him hard. He sat back in the chair, and his expression went blank. He probably had no memory of the things he’d texted to Miss Morgan, while I on the other hand, felt as though every single word had been engraved into my brain with a knife. “Maybe, if this had been a onetime thing, God, even a two-time thing, it would be easier for me to chalk it up to stress and pressure or whatever else you thought you were going through at the time. But this has been going on for months. You’ve bought gifts for her, and sent naked pictures to her, and she can smell your cologne on her tits.” He cringed. “What if I hadn’t caught you? Who knows how long this would’ve gone on?” I paused. “I realize we need to make a decision, but from where I sit now, I’m not willing to forgive you, and I don’t know if I ever will.”

  Tyler looked defeated. He let out a long sigh and kept his eyes fixated on the floor in front of him. I wanted him to stand and beg and plead and make a case for us, but I knew it would never happen. Not because he didn’t want us to be together, but because he was incapable of fighting for what he wanted. He would take my words and assume I was putting up a wall between us. He would assume that I wanted to be left alone, and that he should wait for my next cue. He would never believe that he could prove his strength and love to me by knocking that wall down and being the man I so desperately needed him to be right then.
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  But I refused to push him into it. He had to do it of his own volition for it to mean anything.

  Tyler’s lips were closed when he looked up and smiled at me. “I understand. I just want you to know that I’m not seeing her anymore, and that I’m going to rent an apartment if I can’t come home.”

  And that was it? He’d given up already?

  “Okay, I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready,” I said.

  “It’s fine, I get it. I hope we can still talk. I’d like to know how things are going with the baby.”

  “Of course.”

  Tyler and I stood and hugged. I was going to have to get him a new cologne if we were going to stay together.

  I walked him to the elevator. As I returned to my office, I didn’t shed a single tear.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  I came home that night to find Cam in the kitchen, unloading an enormous feast from Morton’s Steakhouse. Two filets mignons, creamed spinach, lyonnaise potatoes, stone crab claws, and key lime pie.

  “Good lord, this is all for the two of us?”

  “You’re eating for two, so it’s technically three of us. How did it go with the big guy today?” Cam asked, pouring himself a glass of wine.

  “He’s getting an apartment. He said he was sorry, and I believe him, but I’m not ready to forgive. And he was hardly begging to come home.”

  “So you need more time.”

  “Yeah, and I need to start interviewing nannies. How do you feel about kids?”

  “They give me hives, but for you, I’d be willing to take Benadryl.”

  I sat down next to Cam and marveled at the meal before us. I was starving, and so grateful that someone was looking after me, even if only for one night.

  “Cam?”

  “Chloe.”

  “Why are you here?” I asked.

  He stopped slicing his steak and turned to face me. “Why are you asking me that, all weird and dramatic?”

  “It’s just that you’ve hardly left the house, and haven’t mentioned the convention or anything.”

  “You think I have ulterior motives?”

  I laughed. “Sort of.”

  Cam placed his fork and steak knife down next to his plate. “I’m here on business, and I’m here for you.”

  I stared into his eyes for a good long moment. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. May I continue eating?”

  “You knew I needed you, didn’t you?”

  “I knew you needed someone, and I knew you weren’t going to ask for help.”

  “You know there couldn’t be a worse time for me to afford to get confused,” I said.

  “That makes no sense.”

  I looked away and took a sip of my ice water. “I mean, having you stay here, bringing me food and taking care of me. I don’t want you to leave,” I said, brows raised. “But I have to be able to focus on what’s right for me and the baby.”

  “Look, I’m here because I care about you and I was worried about you. That’s all. I’m not trying to swoop in on my white horse and take you for my own. Do I want you to go back to Tyler? No. But you should know that no one is going to think less of you if you decide to take him back and try to make your marriage work. You do realize though, that if you’re going to accept his apology, you’re going to have to do it and live with it, because holding on to the betrayal will kill you.”

  “I know.”

  “You thought you were going to get some lustful confession out of me, didn’t you?”

  I laughed again, and it felt really good. “I just don’t want to feel guilty for leaning on you, that’s all.”

  Cameron pulled me close to him, and I rested my head on his shoulder. “Does this make you feel guilty?” he asked.

  I smiled. “No, it feels fucking great.”

  While Cam went to his convention that Saturday, I had a nanny candidate come to the house for an interview. She was a referral from Alexa, whom I’d met at the fertility clinic. Alexa’s first IVF treatment had not been successful, and she was gearing up for round two that winter. After she’d sent me the name of her sister’s nanny, I packed up the candlesticks that Cam had given me and sent them to her.

  Before the nanny arrived, I googled “Interview Questions for Nannies” and felt like an idiot when I read through them and realized I hadn’t thought of a single one of the recommended questions. I’d only come up with:

  Are you opposed to eleven-hour days?

  Can you work until nine o’clock if need be?

  Have you ever been arrested?

  Do you drink alcohol?

  Do you believe you’re being followed by imaginary federal agents?

  But thankfully the much more practical people at BabyCenter.com had an entire work sheet with a list of more important questions like:

  Do you have any formal early childhood development or childcare training?

  Would you be willing to take CPR classes?

  How do you comfort children and deal with separation anxiety?

  I printed out a copy of the questionnaire and had her fill it out when she arrived. Born and raised in Montego Bay, she looked like she was in her late thirties. Her thick Jamaican accent and unflappable approach immediately put me at ease. I tore up the stupid questionnaire, trusted my instincts, and hired her on the spot.

  No problem, man.

  Cam went back to California, and Tyler moved his stuff out and into an apartment in the city. He and I kept in touch and met for lunch or dinner every few weeks. It wasn’t especially comforting to see him, but I felt that I should at least make the effort. Some nights I would cancel; others I would pick somewhere loud with lots of TVs to distract me. I bided my time by going to work and trying to pretend everything would be all right one way or another. Outside of the office I was incapable of making even the most minor decisions, so I didn’t.

  When I was thirty-five weeks along, his mother threw me a baby shower at her country club. It was a little awkward given the circumstances, but she insisted. Grace came with me, and we sat among Dixie and her friends as they drank cocktails at noon, ate grilled chicken Caesar salads, and showered me with blue gifts.

  Afterward, Grace drove me home, and we sat on my couch and caught up. There hadn’t been much of a chance for a heart-to-heart with Dixie Reed hovering about nervously.

  “How much time are you taking off work?” she asked me.

  “I’m going to take the whole three months. I’m sure I’ll be working from home as soon as I feel up to it, but I’m going to try not to go down to the office or the courthouse at all during that time.”

  “Good for you, you deserve a break. What’s the latest with Tyler?”

  I shrugged. “Good. Weird. I don’t know. Once he moved out, it was like starting my whole life over.”

  “I was worried that was going to happen.”

  “What?”

  “That you’d become complacent and used to the idea of being alone.”

  I looked out the window in front of me. “You think I should take him back.”

  She smiled slightly. “Honestly, I do. I know he put you through hell, and you know I’m not discounting his behavior whatsoever, but then I look at you and your beautiful boy growing inside,” she choked up. “I just know how hard it is to raise a child with two parents, let alone one.” She paused and lowered her chin. “Do you still love him?”

  “Yes,” I said quietly. “I just never realized how hard it was to forgive. I mean, let’s be real; I grew up being disappointed by the one person who was supposed to love me more than anyone. I could’ve written a book on “How to pull yourself up after being let down,” but with Tyler, it’s different. The betrayal is still so raw and deliberate. At least with my mother I could chalk it up to mental illness. Tyler knew exactly what he was doing. Over and over again.” My blood boiled every time I rehashed it.

  “I don’t mean to sway you either way, I promise. You’re one of the best people I know, and you’re going to
thrive as a mother with or without Tyler. That much I know for sure.”

  After Grace left, I went upstairs to change into some comfier clothes. I had to be in court early the next morning, so I spent a couple hours reading through a deposition and preparing my petitions. Afterward, I ate half of a leftover sandwich from the fridge and decided to take a bath. I ran the water, undressed, and climbed into the tub. Just as I leaned forward to adjust the temperature, the water between my legs turned bright red.

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  The next second, I was doubled over with cramps. I let out a loud moan, tightly closed my legs and managed to turn off the water with my right hand. I sat in the tub, rocking back and forth, clutching the right side of my body as unfamiliar sounds emerged from my throat. I didn’t even realize tears were streaming down my face until I tasted them on my lips. When I looked down again, the blood was pouring out of me, heavier and faster. I held onto the side of the tub and craned my neck, looking for my cell phone on the bathroom counter. It wasn’t there. I got to my knees, pulled a towel down from its hook and threaded it between my thighs like a diaper. My entire body tensed as I inched my way out of the tub and crawled on one arm into my bedroom. I yanked the house phone down off the dresser and dialed 9-1-1.

  “Nine one one, what’s your—”

  “Please, I need help! I’m pregnant and bleeding profusely, and it won’t stop. My address is 1014 Maple Drive. I’m upstairs on the floor and I can’t move; blood is everywhere, please help me!” I hollered with terror, and then I moaned wildly as the pain in my side intensified.

  “Try and relax, ma’am; the paramedics are on their way. I’ve sent the call, and they will be there shortly.”

  I hung up and dialed Grace’s cell phone.

  “Hey you,” she answered.

  “I’m bleeding! Please come back! I’m lying on my floor, and I think I’m losing the baby!” I sobbed and choked, unable to breathe.

  “Oh my God! I’m on my way, call 9-1-1 now!” She said and hung up.

  One of the longest minutes of my life passed.