The Book of Pirates

by Jamaica Rose

  Fifteen men of ’em stiff and stark,

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  Ten of the crew bore the murder mark,

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  Bodies do tend ta’ get a bit stiff after lying around for a bit (rigor mortis, ya know).

  Accordin’ to this song, ten of this crew have been branded as murderers! They were not nice guys. And now they have murdered each other. They used to brand criminals with a hot iron on their cheek or the back of their hand (just like cattle in the Old West). It was a criminal record you couldn’t easily hide. “T” was used for “Thief.” “P” was for “Pirate” (just like on Jack Sparrow’s wrist.) Aye, the British East India Company branded what pirates it didn’t hang. The letter “M” was used as a brand, but it did NOT stand for “Murderer.” It stood for “Malefactor” (wrongdoer). Murderers would have been hanged if caught. They wouldn’t have bothered to brand them first. It is possible, however, criminals might o’ given themselves a tattoo or a brand to brag about having murdered someone (similar to gang tattoos nowadays). It would add to their dangerous reputation.

  ’Twas a cutlass swipe or an ounce of lead,

  Or a yawing hole in a battered head,

  And the scuppers glut with a rotting red.

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  And there they lay, aye, damn my eyes,

  Their lookouts clapped on Paradise,

  And souls bound just contrariwise—

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  Now, was it a slash from a sword, or a bullet hole (ounce of lead), or a bashed-in head that killed ’em? Whatever it was, it looks ta me like they all met their fate right there on the deck. There was a lot of blood running out of the drainholes (scuppers) and down the outside of the ship. The dead men’s eyes (lookouts) looked up to Heaven (Paradise), but their souls were going the other way.

  Fifteen men of ’em good and true,

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  Every man jack could ’a sailed with Old Pew

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  If these men had been so “good and true,” they wouldn’t all be dead now, would they? But I suppose this means they had been thought to be good sailors (when not drunk and fighting with everyone else). Jack was a term for a sailor in general. In Treasure Island, Blind Pew is the one who gives the Black Spot to Billy Bones. Perhaps before he was blinded, he was simply known as Old Pew.

  There was chest on chest of Spanish gold,

  And a ton of plate in the middle hold,

  And the cabins riot with loot untold—

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  And there they lay that had took the plum,

  With a sightless glare and their lips struck dumb,

  While we shared all by rule o’ thumb—

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  This part is about the fine riches they captured from the Spanish. Chests piled on top of other chests, and all full of Spanish gold. Aye, seems clear enough—a vast treasure of golden doubloons and bars of gold.

  A ton of plate didn’t mean they had a hold full o’ fine china. Plata is Spanish for “silver.” English pirates called it plate. And there was a TON of it in the hold (where ya keep the cargo). More loot was found in the cabin. Probably the captain kept the best stuff in his room. “Took the plum”—remember Little Jack Horner who pulled out a plum? It means they caught a big, rich prize.

  Now the pirates are all dead, with eyes staring, and mouths quiet. If they had just worked together and shared everything equally, they wouldn’t all be dead.

  More was seen through the sternlight screen,

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  Chartings no doubt where the woman had been,

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  A sternlight was a light on the back of the ship, like a taillight. Looking through its screen, traces of a woman were spotted. Had she been a passenger on the Spanish galleon? Or someone’s maid?

  A flimsy shift on a bunker cot

  With a dirk slit sheer through the bosom spot

  And the lace stiff dry in a purplish blot—

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  Oh was she wench or some shudderin’ maid

  That dared the knife and took the blade

  By God! she had stuff for a plucky jade

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  Her thin dress is found on one of the beds. Appears ta me she was stabbed in the heart. They saw the slit made by the dirk (a thin-bladed dagger) with dried blood staining the lace all around it. Looks like the poor lass that was wearing it came to a bad end.

  Who was she? A highborn lady or a maidservant? Did she stab herself so the pirates couldn’t hurt her? Ya can tell the narrator admires her courage. He calls her a “plucky jade” (feisty woman), though “jade” is usually not a nice word for a woman (but in this case it rhymed with “blade”).

  Fifteen men on the Dead Man’s Chest,

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  Drink and the Devil had done for the rest,

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  We wrapped ’em all in a mainsail tight,

  With twice ten turns of a hawser’s bight.

  And we heaved ’em over and out of sight,

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  With a yo-heave-ho and a fare-ye-well,

  And a sullen plunge in the sullen swell.

  Ten fathoms deep on the road to hell—

  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!

  The men who found the derelict decided ta give the dead crew a proper burial at sea. They rolled the bodies up using the canvas from the largest sail. A hawser is a large rope used fer tying a ship up at the docks. A bight is a loop in the rope. They looped the hawser twenty times around the bodies as they wrapped ’em for burial.

  Chanting “yo-heave-ho” as they picked up the weight of the bodies, they threw ’em over into the sea, with a few words of farewell. The bundled bodies sank down to the bottom, 60 feet below (one fathom = 6 feet).

  Obviously, these lads were not heaven-bound.

  Pirated Riddles

  Pirates love a good laugh as well as a good tune. You can amaze and amuse yer friends with some fun seagoing riddles. Here are some of our favorites:

  The Classics

  How much did the pirate pay to have his ears pierced? A buck an ear.

  What does a pirate keep under his buckin’ hat? His buckin’ ears.

  What type of socks do pirates wear? Arrrrgyle.

  Pirate Illiteracy

  What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? Arrrr!

  But what’s really a pirate’s favorite letter? P! Because it’s like an R, but it’s missing a leg!

  Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!

  So how did the pirate finally learn how to read? With “Hooked” on phonics!

  What does a dyslexic pirate say? RRAAAAAAAAAAA!

  What else does a dyslexic pirate say? Oy oh oh!

  What do you call a stupid pirate? The pillage idiot!

  What do you get when you cross a pirate with a librarian? Cap’n Book!

  Gimpy Pirates

  Why is pirating addictive? They say once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

  What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs? Rookie!

  What do you call a woman with only one leg? Eileen.

  How do you keep a peg-leg pirate from robbing your house? Fill your lawn with beavers!

  What is a common injury pirates get from walking the plank in bare feet? Long John Sliver.

  What’s Captain Hook’s favorite store? The Secondhand Shop!

  What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes? 8 pirates.

  What goes thump-thump Arr!, thump-thump Arr!? A pirate falling down the stairs!

  An Ocean of Adventure

  What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

&n
bsp; Why do sharks only swim in salt water? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

  Where is the ocean the deepest? On the bottom.

  What do you call a neurotic octopus? A crazy mixed-up squid.

  What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shoots people? Billy the Squid.

  What’s got fins...and an arm? A happy shark.

  What do sea monsters love to eat? Fish and ships.

  Why did Blackbeard give his ship a coat of paint? The timbers were shivering.

  What sort of gas mileage does Cap’n Kidd get out of his warship? He gets 35 miles to the galleon!

  Parrots and Other Critters

  What has fur, four legs, and flies? A dead bilge rat.

  What’s a pirate’s favorite animal? The aaarrrrrdvaaarrrk.

  There are five parrots sitting in a tree. If you shoot one, how many would be left? None, the others would have flown off.

  Just Say Arrrrr

  While playing poker, what did the captain say to his first mate when he spilled rum all over the cards? Arrrrgh, matey, swab the deck!!!!

  Why couldn’t the pirates play cards? The captain was standing on the deck!

  What do pirates use to blow their noses? Anchor-chiefs.

  Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap? So if they’re shipwrecked they can wash themselves to shore.

  What do you get when you cross a pirate with a zucchini? A Squashbuckler!!!

  What are pirates a part of? Avast conspiracy!

  What do you call pirate vomit? Pieces he ate.

  Where did the pirate learn to draw his sword? At the arrrrt institute.

  What is a pirate’s least favorite color? Maroon!

  Where do pirates keep their bathrooms? On the poop deck!

  What’s a pirate’s favorite kind of cookie? Ships Ahoy.

  Where do pirates store their gym clothes? Davy Jones’ locker.

  Games Pirates Played

  The ship has just made port after a successful venture “on the account,” and the booty has just been divvied up. Does the average buccaneer sock away his money to save up for that plantation he’s had his heart set on? Nay! Most of them eagerly set out to spend all their money on drink, women, and gambling.

  Sailors in general loved to game and gamble. It was as popular as drinking. Among common sailors, games with cards and dice were the most popular, with much gambling on the results.

  Other games included tables (a gambling form of backgammon), checkers, and an early version of cribbage without the crib. Twenty-eight lead gaming pieces were found from the shipwreck of the Whydah.

  Pirates whiled away long hours at sea by gambling. This often lead to accusations of cheating, which then turned to quarrels and fighting. Wise pirate captains, such as Bartholomew Roberts, put anti-gambling and anti-cheating clauses in their ship’s articles. Some banned any type of gaming with cards or dice for money. Others limited gambling to only the top deck, hoping to prevent fights by keeping it out in the open, but that probably stopped few.

  Cards of the Period

  Playing cards have gone through a lot of changes over the years. By the 1600s, the “French” deck had become standard. It is pretty close to the cards we know today. It had fifty-two cards and had the same marks that are used today: hearts, clubs, diamonds, and spades. Older types of decks had lots of different suits: acorns, bells, falcons, ducks, cups, swords, etc. There were the standard court cards: king, queen, and jack. The main difference is that there were no small numbers (indices) in the corners. Also, the court cards (face cards) were not double-sided as is standard now. The cards were larger. Because of this, and the lack of indices, they were usually held in two hands. Jokers were not introduced until 1850.

  Gaming Supplies

  Cards: You can play the card games with a modern deck of cards, but it’s more fun to use the older style deck.

  Dice: You can use regular dice or make some of your own. (See instructions.)

  Coins: You might get some period coins for your bets. You can also use pennies, beans, or candy to bet with.

  For places to order cards, dice, coins, and other period games, see the on Gaming Supplies listed on our website at www.noquartergiven.net/merchant.htm. Once you get your dice, cards, and coins, recruit a few fellow buccaneers, learn the rules for some of the games that follow, and have a rousing game with lots of betting, cheating, and arguing.

  One-and-Thirty

  This old game is an early version of blackjack, only instead of playing to 21, you try to get to 31, or as close as possible without going over.

  Rules

  Number of players: 2 to 8

  Equipment: Standard deck of 52 cards.

  Object: To be the first player to reach 31 exactly, or to be the player who comes closest to 31 without going over.

  Deal: Before starting, everyone puts one coin or bean into the pot. To see who will be dealer, you each pick a card. The lowest card is dealer. Going to the left, the dealer deals three cards face down, one card at a time, to each player.

  Play: Starting with the person to the left of the dealer and ending with himself (going clockwise), the dealer asks whether they want to “stick” or “have it.” If the player wishes to “stick,” the dealer goes to the next person. If they will “have it,” they get another card. They may continue to get more cards until they decide to stick, or until they go over 31, in which case they are out.

  Scoring: Number cards are worth their number of points; court cards (King, Queen, Jack) are worth ten. The Ace is worth 1. (The Ace cannot be switched between 1 and 11 as in modern Blackjack.) If all players have gone out (that is, gone over 31) before the dealer gets to himself, he wins without having to take a turn.

  First player to reach exactly 31 wins on the spot. Hitting 31 exactly is worth a double stake (you get an extra coin or bean from everyone).

  If no one reaches 31 exactly and more than one player is left at the end, the player closest to 31 wins the pot, which is a single bet from each player. If there is a tie, the player who went first (the one closest to the dealer’s when going around the circle clockwise) wins.

  For the next round, the position of dealer rotates to the left (clockwise).

  Liar’s Dice

  Some say the conquistador Pizarro learned this game of bluff and lying from the South American natives he conquered. They were the Incan people, who lived in the area now called Peru. Who knows how old the game was before that.

  This game is still very popular in South America, usually called Perudo, or Dudo. Its popularity is similar to the popularity of Bingo in the United States. People gather in special parlors to play and bet on Perudo. It is also a popular game in the pubs and taverns of London. In the United States, it is usually called “Liar’s Dice” or “I Doubt It.”

  There are many, many variations to this game with different rules on how to bid, how to challenge, and how to lose. You can even find online versions to play against other online players. Here, we will teach you our favorite version, very similar to the dicing game you see Will Turner play against Davy Jones in Pirates of the Caribbean 2.

  Rules

  Number of players: Up to 6 players, as long as you have enough dice to go around (you can squeeze in more people, but it slows down the speed of play).

  Equipment: 5 six-sided dice for each player; 1 shaker cup for each player (you can use plastic cups, but they need to be solid in color, not see-through); plenty of pennies or beans to bet with.

  Object: To be the LAST player with any dice.

  First Player: Everyone roles one die. The player with the highest roll goes first.

  Play: Each player starts with five dice and a shaker cup. Everyone shakes their dice in the shaker cup and then turns the cup upside down on the table. Each player may peek into their cup but should be careful to keep the dice hidden so no one else sees them. The First Player begins bidding. He/she bids on how many total dice under all the cups are displaying a certain number of pips (dots). Example: I
f the First Player has two 4s, then they are fairly safe in saying “I bid three 4s.” The likelihood someone else has another 4 is good, and that would make the bet good. For the purposes of bidding, a 1 (Ace) is wild and can count for any number 2 through 6.

  Based on their own dice numbers, players make higher bids in turn. We will continue with the example of “three 4s.” The next player may increase the number of the pips on the die (example: “I bid three 5s”), or the quantity of dice displaying that number (example: “I bid four 4s”) or both (example: “I bid five 5s”). Neither number may go down.

  Each player must either make a bid or challenge the previous bid. To make a challenge, you do not bid. Instead, you call the previous bidder a “liar” very loudly. Then everyone lifts their cups and show all the dice. If the bid was “six 5s,” then count the total number of 5s showing. Remember to include the 1s (wild dice) in the count. If there are six or more 5s (plus wild dice) showing, the player wins. If there are less than six 5s showing, the challenger wins.

  Whoever is the loser of the challenge takes away one of their dice. Also, if the bidder who was challenged is the loser, he/she pays the pot a number of coins equal to the difference between their last bid and the actual number of dice counted. (Example: The bid was six 5s, but there are only four 5s, so the bidder pays 2 coins to the pot.) If the challenger loses, EVERYONE except the last bidder (winner of the challenge) pays a coin to the pot.

  The dice are shaken again for the next round. Bidding starts with the player who won the previous challenge.