Only A Memory

by J. Lea

  “I know you feel bad, but believe me when I say they knew you loved them. They could feel it every day you were together.” Connor pulls me in a tight hug, and I bury my face in his neck, clutching his shirt. He has no idea how much I needed his hug.

  “I’m scared. Scared I’ll wake up one day and not remember them, not remember their faces, their smiles, the way they smelled. That’s why I carry this picture with me everywhere so I can look at it every time I feel like they’re slipping from my mind. I never want to forget how much I loved them.”

  “You won’t. They’ll live in your memory forever. Just like Anabel in mine. And nothing can take that away from us.”

  W ith Everly pressed tightly to my body, I absentmindedly run a hand down her back, processing everything I’ve just heard. I had no idea she’s been through so much.

  “You know, when I came out of the psychiatric hospital I had nothing but the clothes on my back. The only one I called was Amber. She gave me a ride and took me to her place, offering for me to stay for as long as I wanted. Getting a job was the hardest part. As you know I worked as a pediatric nurse, but the fact that I was in a psych ward made it impossible to get a job in health care. So I started looking elsewhere. I wasn’t picky, just wanted to work. Fast forward a couple of years and here I am. That’s it, the whole story. Now you can hate me as much as I hate myself.”

  What? Hate her? Why would I hate her? Lifting her chin up with my thumb and forefinger. “I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. Not even when Dana wanted me to believe it was you who burned the club.”

  “I have no idea what you saw in her.”

  “She was there when I was at my lowest, but we just fooled around. She seemed to take it well when I broke things off, no grudges or hurt feelings. That’s why I offered her a job. Phoenix and I needed an accountant, we aren’t good with numbers, and she was. When she was still married, she handled her husband’s business and did a good job.” We made a pretty good team. Never doubted her suggestions or decisions. “I’m sorry I hadn’t paid much attention to her odd behavior lately, even though you and Phoenix kept telling me about it. If I weren’t so blind, none of this would’ve happened.”

  “It’s not your fault,” Everly assures me.

  “Like it’s not your fault Bradley and Faith died. Can’t you see? It was a horrible accident, you must stop blaming yourself. I know it’s hard, believe me, but you’re here, you survived. Now you must make the best of it. I’m certain Bradley and Faith would want that for you.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  “Promise?”

  “Yes. I’ll do it for you, for Ava, and especially, for myself. I need closure.”

  “Good.” It’s time she starts closing the wounds and letting them heal.

  “I really am sorry for hiding all this from you. Ever since I lost Bradley and Faith, I have been hiding behind the metal armor I created around my heart. I never wanted to feel pain like that again. I blamed myself for their deaths. If I had just turned off the damn lights when I went to bed, they’d still be alive. The guilt was eating away at me, it still does.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” I repeat.

  “But I was the one who left the lights on.” Tossing her hands in the air, agitated.

  “Bradley could’ve turned them off, too.” Trying to defend her, I grab her hands looking her straight in the eyes. “None of it was your fault. It was an accident. A horrible accident, but you need to stop blaming yourself.”

  “I don’t know how to do that.” With a shake of her head she sighs. “That’s why I always pushed people away. That’s why I didn’t want you to get close to me. Now I see how stupid I was.”

  “Not stupid, just scared.”

  “I just wanted them back,” Everly sniffs.

  “I know, baby, I know.”

  Cradling her in my arms, I give her a soft, soothing kiss. “I love you. Please, stop crying, my heart breaks when I see you like this.” I want to be the shoulder she can lean on, a man she can love and trust no matter what, one she can’t live without. If she’ll let me, I’ll be right by her side while she walks the path of recovery.

  “You’re not mad at me?”

  “There’s no reason for me to be mad at you. Yes, you kept things for me, but you thought you were doing the right thing. I’m only mad you had to go through that horrible accident.” My palm cups her cheek. “Together, we can conquer anything. You banished my bitterness and turned me into a brand-new man. The pain I felt in here,” I reach for her hand and place her palm over my heart, “is subsiding with every day I spend with you. I’m looking forward to waking up in the mornings and going to bed in the evenings because you’re here with me. And no matter what, I want to do the same for you. I want your pain gone. One day, your pain will be only a memory. That’s a promise, baby. Just like I never imagined I would love again. You healed my heart, brought all the broken pieces together. I love you.”

  Everly blinks, like she can’t believe what I’m saying, tears spilling down her cheeks. “I love you, too. More than life itself.” Yeah, she’s crying, but those are happy tears. And I’ll make sure the only tears she sheds from now on are tears of happiness.

  “I’m crazy about you. I adore you. I can’t even put into words how much I love you.”

  It seems as if a large weight was lifted from her chest. “I spent so much time lying to myself and pushing people away. I’m so glad you didn’t give up on me despite my rejections. I can’t live without you anymore.”

  “Good. Because I’m not planning to ever let you go.” Murmuring against her mouth, I press a soft kiss to her lips. Tucking her into my side, we talk for hours about anything and everything. We can finally start a new chapter and build our relationship on honesty, mutual trust, and respect. There will be no more secrets tearing us apart.

  “Y ou okay?” Connor asks, brushing my hair away from my neck and placing a kiss there.

  Nervously, I fidget in front of a full-length mirror. I already changed my outfit three times, even though I know clothes aren’t the reason I’m nervous. Not even close. I finally gathered the courage to go visit my parents. They don’t know I’m coming. Connor helped me realize how important it is for me to go visit them. Besides, I miss my Mom and Dad. I need to apologize for all the hurt I’ve caused. Hopeful they will forgive me, but I’m not expecting anything. Will they understand? Even if they don’t … At least I won’t have to ask myself What if? I need to do this for myself.

  Last night, we landed in Illinois. They’ve been living here their whole lives. I have lots of great memories of my home. My family. I had a happy childhood.

  We rented a car and settled into a motel a few miles away from my hometown.

  “I am.” Spinning around, I wrap my arms around his shoulders so I can kiss my man. “Thank you for being here with me. Honestly, I’m not sure I could do this without you.”

  “Always.” His hands snakes down my torso until they reach my butt, cupping it, then lifting me up. I wrap my legs around his waist. “You”– he kisses me– “look”– another kiss– “beautiful,” he finishes.

  I giggle. “Are you trying to distract me? Because it’s totally working.” Tilting my head back, I offer him better access as his lips start tracing light kisses down my neck.

  “It is, isn’t it?” His warm breath makes my skin tingle.

  “Uh-huh.” I moan as his hand finds my breast under my shirt. “You’re wrinkling my clothes.”

  “That can be easily taken care of.” He puts me on the floor, and with one swift motion, he pulls it over my head. One gentle push and I land on bed.

  “I like the way you’re thinking.” I chuckle.

  “And I like you writhing beneath me.” He kisses my belly button. “Or riding me.” Follows a kiss between my breasts, making me moan. “But what I love the most is when I watch you come.” His mouth slams onto mine in a wild, rough kiss. His stubble scraping my skin. Deepening the kiss, I reach between
us to undo the button on his jeans while he’s doing the same to mine. We don’t fully undress, only pull our jeans and underwear down enough so he can bury himself inside me. Our lovemaking is wild, aggressive and intense. Just like our orgasms. Falling onto our backs, we pant like we ran a marathon. Connor rolls back onto me, grinning down at my own grinning face, pressing his forehead to mine.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you more.” The kiss that follows is slow and sweet.

  “Stop here,” I tell Connor.

  “Is this …” He jerks his head to the cemetery entrance.

  I nod. “Yes, Bradley and Faith are buried here. You can wait in the car if you want. But I need to do this. I should’ve come here a long time ago.” This stop wasn’t planned, but I got the sudden urge to visit them. To see them.

  “I’m coming with you.” With a bouquet of white lilies we bought, we walk hand in hand to their grave.

  Even though it’s been years since I’ve been here, I have no trouble finding their final resting place. When we reach their headstones, I kneel on the soft ground, my heart overflowing with emotions. Tears start clouding my vision as memories of their coffins being laid into the ground flash through my mind. Connor squats beside me, with a comforting touch on my lower back.

  “Thanks,” I sniff as he takes the lilies from my hands and places them by the headstones.

  Kneeling there in silence, our gazes set on the headstones. After a while, my tears finally stop falling.

  “Her birthday was almost two months ago.” February twelfth is the date which is forever imprinted in my brain. We look at each other, and Connor gently squeezes my arm. “She would’ve been seven years old.” Every single day I wonder what she would’ve looked like. Would she love sports, like Bradley, or would she be a creative soul, like her grandparents? Or maybe she’d be great with numbers, or be a class president, like me? I’ll never know. I’ll never hear her laughter or her voice again, I’ll never see her ride a bike, graduate from school or pass her Driver’s Ed test. I won’t see her walking down the aisle to the love of her life. She’ll never have children of her own and feel the endless love they bring to the world. “I miss them so much.” Wrapping my arms around him, I need his closeness now.

  “I know, baby, I know.” His voice is shaky with emotion.

  “I really couldn’t have done this without you.” I’m probably holding on to him so tight he can barely hear me, but I know he doesn’t mind.

  “We’ll be here as long as you want. We have all the time in the world.”

  “I …” Letting go of him, I stand up and take a step back, wiping my tears. “I want to go. It hurts too much to be here.”

  Connor nods, clasps my hand in his and takes me back to the car.

  Spring is coming to town, trees are waking up, spring flowers are about to bloom, birds are singing, and despite the still chilly mornings, the day is sunny and warm. I almost forgot how beautiful springs are in my hometown.

  “If today was too stressful for you, we could go see your parents tomorrow.” Connor, always so attentive. I have no idea what I did to deserve him, but I’m glad he’s mine.

  “No, I need to do this today.”

  “Okay.”

  Fifteen minutes later, we stop the car on the side of the road by my parents’ house. It still looks the same as I remember – the rickety wooden fence up front, façade that needs a fresh coat of paint and white windows. Connor grabs a bouquet of roses from the back seat we picked up when we bought the lilies and cross the street together. The three wooden steps creak and protest under our weight. Taking a single deep breath, I close my eyes and firmly knock on the door. Connor offers me a smile, squeezing my hand with his.

  “Coming!” says a voice from the other side of the door. My pulse starts drumming, my palms sweating, but I don’t have time to start panicking because the door swings open. My Mom stands in front of us, blinking. She looks like she’s seen a ghost. “Oh, my God,” she breathes, her hand flying to her chest.

  “Who is it?” my father’s voice inquires. As he appears from behind Mom, his reaction is similar to my Mom’s; he blinks, not sure his eyes are telling him the truth. “Everly?” he asks incredulously as his eyes take me in and then they fly to Connor.

  “Hi,” I nod. “Is … is it …” I clear my throat to stop me from stuttering even more. “Is this a bad time?”

  Mom is still paralyzed with shock, so Dad responds, “No, of course not. I can’t believe you’re actually here.”

  I’m so nervous I might throw up.

  “Can we come in?” Connor speaks.

  “Oh. Yes, of course! Come on in.” As I enter the house, I’m met with the familiar scent of wood, fireplace, them. Memories of my childhood bubble to the surface – playing Monopoly in the kitchen together, reading bedtime stories with my Mom, watching horror flicks with my Dad on the living room couch with the fireplace burning.

  “Can I get you anything to drink?” Dad offers.

  Connor nods gratefully, and Dad disappears into the kitchen.

  I’m standing in the hallway, looking at the pictures hanging on the wall until my Dad returns and they take us to the living room. We sit on the sofa while Dad drags in two chairs from the kitchen.

  “I thought I’ll never see you again,” Mom finally speaks, sadness in her voice.

  She’s aged in the six years I haven’t seen her. The years of worrying and suffering have left its toll on her face. Her once platinum blonde hair is now completely grey, cut short, and her blue eyes, identical to mine, are sad and hollow. She’s also lost weight, she’s painfully thin. I did this to her. She used to be so happy. I never saw her crying or sad until I broke her.

  “I’m sorry, I’m so very sorry for hurting you,” I say, unable to hold back my emotions.

  “We …” Mom and Dad share a look. “We thought we were doing the right thing, honey. You were so … sad, fragile. You were disappearing in front of our eyes. We were forced to do something. We couldn’t lose you, too.” They hold each other’s hands.

  “You did the right thing,” I assure them quietly while nodding. “You did the right thing. I’m really sorry for pushing you away. I know I’ll regret it until the day I die.”

  “Oh, Everly,” Mom’s lower lip trembles. She and Dad stand up and pull me in their arms for a hug, like they used to.

  “I’m sorry. For everything I put you through.” Wiping a tear away that rolls down my cheek, I give them a sad smile.

  “We’re sorry, too. You are our baby girl, our only child. The tragedy you faced can’t be described with words. I know you were grieving in your own way, I just hoped you’d be able to lean on us for support in your most difficult moments and not push us away. We didn’t think we were going to have to send you away to save you. It broke our heart.” My Mom’s hand moves soothingly over my upper arm, before we sit down again.

  “It was a hard choice you had to make, I know, but you saved my life. The doctors taught me how to cope with the pain. It’s still hard but I’m doing well. Connor helps me now.” I smile at Connor who squeezes my hand.

  “Oh, how rude of me. I’m Gail, and this is my husband, Trent Johnson. Nice to meet you,” Mom introduces herself and Dad to Connor.

  “Connor Meadows.” Connor shakes hands with my parents. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  “I came here to apologize and ask for forgiveness, for another chance. I’d like to have you in my life and to make up all the time we’ve lost. I really hope you’re willing to forgive me.”

  “Oh, there’s nothing to forgive, baby girl. You’re our daughter, we love you no matter what. All we’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy,” Dad says with tears in his eyes.

  He’s changed, too, but less than Mom. He was always the rock who held our family together, it wasn’t so easy to break him. His salt and pepper hair is thick, he’s freshly shaven and looks healthy, but like Mom, he dropped some weight; the beer belly I remember from the p
ast is gone.

  “Connor makes me happy,” I admit with a smile, meeting Connor’s eyes. He presses a kiss on my temple. “He’s the reason I’m happy. He and his daughter, Ava.”

  “I’m so glad to hear this. All this time, I’ve been wondering where you are, what you’re doing. It’s so good to have you back,” Mom says.

  A wide grin spreads my lips. “It’s nice to be back home.”

  “So, Connor,” Dad says, “what do you do for a living?”

  “I’m a businessman. I own a nightclub and bar.”

  “Did you hear that, Trent? Just like your brother,” Mom exclaims excitedly. “And how old is your daughter?”

  “She’s five,” I jump in. “And so adorable. We’re never bored with her around. I can’t wait for you to meet her.”

  There’s joy and happiness in their eyes. We catch up on everything that’s been happening in the last six years of our lives. I tell them all about Carlos and Dolores, and how they welcomed me in their home with open arms. About Connor’s hard time after he lost his wife, Anabel. We talk, eat, laugh and reminisce about the past, and it is almost midnight when we say our goodbyes.

  “Thanks for having us,” Connor says to my parents.

  “Thank you for bringing our daughter back home. Today was a great day.” Mom pulls him in for a tight hug.

  “It was an honor.” Connor smiles. He shakes hands with Dad and patiently waits for us to finish hugging and kissing and hugging again.

  “You’ll come to lunch tomorrow, right?” Mom asks for the fifth time as if we didn’t already assure her four times.

  “Yes, Mom.” I smile. Connor and I fly home to Florida in four days, and we plan on spending all our time with my family until then.

  The day after our first visit we have a picnic. It’s a great opportunity for my parents to get to know Connor and see why I fell so madly in love with him. The next day, Connor helps Dad around the house – they fix the fence and some loose boards on the porch, change the lightbulb on the patio. The squeaky bedroom door hinge is squeaky no more, and Connor mows the lawn. Whenever I get the chance, I sneak a glance at him doing the chores, admiring his lean physique. In the meantime, Mom and I make lunch, do the laundry, and clean the attic of all the useless clutter they don’t need anymore. She asks me about Ava and how it makes me feel to be around her, considering I lost my child. I tell her it was easy in the beginning when we didn’t interact much and were practically strangers. But each passing day as we grew closer, and talked, played with her toys, and laughed together, I wondered if Faith would sound the same, laugh the same, if her forehead would crease in concentration the way Ava’s does. Every smile she gave me, every I love you she told me was more bittersweet than anything else at first. But I love hearing her tell me she loves me, it warms my heart, yet a part of me aches because it makes me think of Faith, and how much I would’ve wanted her to say those words to me, even though it’s never going to happen. Dr. Finn and I discussed this a million times, it helps to talk about my issues and how to resolve them. But there’s one thing that’s clear – I love Ava as if she was my own flesh and blood.