by Joanne Hill
Impulsively, he leant over, put his arms around Eric in a hug, a brief hug. Squeezed then pulled away.
Eric glanced around him, as if Jack hugging him was the most natural thing in the world. “I need to use the restroom.”
Jack looked around for the sign, and was about to get up, when Eric said, “I see it,” and ran off.
Jack looked back to see Maria smiling.
The knowing look in her eyes grated him. “What?” he said.
“You,” she grinned. “You're doing good, Jack.”
For a second, he felt it. Felt that just now something had happened.
But random moments did not make a man a parent. The reality was daunting.
He held up his hand and counted down his fingers. “I've never had a child. I'm devoted to my business. I come from a family of failure. I'm selfish. I’m a single man. I have no idea what the heck I'm doing.”
Maria held up one finger. “Eric lost his mother and wants to live with you.”
“I hired a nanny and her kids and they made it what it was. My home is a mausoleum.”
She held up one more finger. “You had a problem and you found a solution. Jack, you're no dummy. You'll figure it out. You'll find the people to help you figure it out.”
Jack shut his eyes on a prayer as he realized what he had to do.
He was taking Eric home.
He was going to be a full time dad. Not a part-time one, half a world way, who texted and emailed and sent birthday cards. He was going to be a twenty-four-seven dad.
“Maria, will you do me one favour? Promise me you'll be my back up.”
He felt Maria's hand on his and opened his eyes to find her watching him with compassion — and amusement. “Of course I’ll be your back up. But Jack? You're not going to need me.”
Back home, Eric sorted through the items he wanted to keep, and Maria and Jack sorted through the rest they thought he might like in the future, and boxed them. Jack arranged for them to be shipped home to Auckland. Eric’s life packed and packaged up.
It wasn't a lot but then Val and Eric had moved a lot in his eight years. She'd only been at the current apartment less than twelve months; Eric's attachment to it was strong only in his memories of his mother and his belongings.
He was taking both with him.
On the plane Eric soon fell asleep, and Jack was grateful as it gave him time to think. Although, he thought wryly, they were going to be stuck in the air for a day. There was a lot of time to think.
He'd made contingencies. Told Eric that if he didn't like it in Auckland after all, he had a home in Toronto with Maria. Regardless, they’d travel back regularly to keep in touch with Maria and her children. To visit Val’s grave.
He declined when the hostess asked if he’d like another drink, leant back in his seat, and closed his eyes.
Straightaway, he thought of Robyn.
It was too easy to wonder if she thought about him.
He’d managed to force his feelings about her to the back of his mind these past few days but now they were in a plane edging closer and closer to New Zealand, those thoughts were coming back with a vengeance.
Tormenting and teasing. Making him ache for something he didn’t have. Making him only too aware that there was now a gap in his life he hadn’t a clue how to fill.
His stomach tightened.
He wanted her with him. He wanted her in his bed; he wanted her by his side when he went out to a function. Not serving him a meal or carrying trays of dirty glasses.
The longing was like a persistent ache in his heart.
He wanted her with him in a way he’d never thought he could ever want a woman before. He loved her, but there was something more.
What? What was it? What was it about Robyn that had made him so crazy and wanting when he’d had his choice of women who would have sold their souls to be seen on his arm?
A voice suddenly came over the intercom, and his eyes snapped open as they announced the plane might encounter some turbulence. Passengers were advised to fasten their seatbelts.
Eric mumbled and a passing stewardess leant over Jack to connect Eric’s belt.
Eric opened his eyes, alarm flashing across his face and the stewardess said softly, “It’s nothing to worry about.”
Her scent wafted in Jack’s face, not unpleasant.
But not Robyn.
“You’re perfectly safe, young man,” she said and she smiled that “I’m available” smile at Jack, and repeated, “We’re perfectly safe.”
She moved on to the next first class passenger and Jack froze in his seat — as though he’d just been given the secret of life.
The secret to his life.
He took a deep breath and gripped the arm rests even tighter as a flood of emotions, so many emotions, poured through him, and as he faced the truth he hadn’t realized until right this minute.
Yeah, he loved Robyn. But it was more than that.
She made him feel safe.
A shudder went through him.
All his life he had never felt safe — as a kid, safe from his father’s verbal and physical abuse, safe from those demons that haunted him all the way through his adult life.
But Robyn Taylor...She made him feel safe.
Safe and secure and so completely sure of himself.
She made him want to tell her his dreams, to pour out his heart, to tell her everything about himself, things he had never told another living soul, and all the while knowing it was safe for him to do so.
She knew more about him than any other person on the planet.
And she didn't judge him. Condemn him.
It was as simple as the one simple truth he’d been unable to identify: he trusted her completely.
A shudder went through him, and at the same time the plane rocked a little.
Eric glanced abruptly up and Jack reached out for his small hand. “It’s okay, it’s only turbulence, nothing is going to happen up here. We’re safe buddy.”
He squeezed his hand for reassurance, his mind in turmoil, as he reassured his son, “Like the stewardess said, we’re safe.”
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Robyn missed Jack. She wasn’t sure what she missed about him the most. His smile, his laughter, the way he looked at her and said with his eyes he wanted her. The way he made her feel protected. The way just being close to him sent shivers down her spine.
The twins missed him, too.
How was it possible that a few weeks had changed their lives like this? It had taken months to fall in love with Edwin, to be seduced by Edwin. With Jack...Weeks. Mere weeks and it had been hard and fast.
She was losing sleep over him now. That was bad. And an odd numbness seemed to settle over her at times with no warning.
Love sickness, which was just pathetic. Even more because she had fallen in love with a man who considered himself unworthy of being loved in the deepest sense.
She blinked her blurry eyes and stared at the map in her hand, the floor plan that had arrived in the mail telling her just where she would be placed in the exhibition hall of the show grounds. In two weeks it was happening and she was ready for it.
James and Ruby - Fashion for Kids. Booth 118.
It was really going to happen.
The press kit was at the printers right now. The website was being fine tuned and she was so happy with the design, she couldn’t stop staring at it. At the last minute the designer had come up with the logo; the names ‘James and Ruby’ on an image of a rumpled pink blanket with shades of navy and baby blue slashed across. It was simply gorgeous and she was so grateful she had the money to pay for it.
She looked around at the chaos in her house. She'd called the function centre to say she was available again, and she’d been rostered on for a function tomorrow night. Harriet had arrived back from her school trip and claimed she worked better away from her house, so was happy to come over and babysit.
Besides, babysitting gave her stability, sh
e’d confided in Robyn, because Sage and Ethan were sort of dating and there wasn’t a good deal of stability about it. Sage was not at all happy about the Hummer and had insisted that when they went out they were to meet in town at a designated point. Ethan had said the same about her van, that he wouldn’t be seen dead in it, but even so, there was something between those two that made Harriet and Robyn think it could really work.
It would be nice to know romance wasn’t dead after all.
A knock sounded at the front door and Robyn hesitated. It would be someone from a power company, wanting her to change plans. She’d had two calls this week already.
She went to open the door, a “thanks but no thanks” on her lips.
She swung it open to see Jack standing on the front porch with Eric at his side.
The shock momentarily winded her.
So he was back.
His eyebrows arched in a way that made her want to just throw herself at him and kiss him senseless. But anything could have happened in a week. Breathlessly, she said, “Jack. Hi.”
He smiled. “Robyn. Hi.”
That smile. The feelings were even more powerful, so much so she felt giddy and nervous and for a moment like she’d just been cast adrift with no clue what direction to take. Why was he here?
She focused on Eric like a lifeline, and bent to give him a hug that might have been too tight judging from the grunt he gave. “Good to see you, buddy,” she murmured. “I’ve missed you.” She released him. He looked okay. Tired, but who wouldn’t be when they must have only flown in that day.
She straightened slowly, her heart pounding. Why was Eric here? Had Maria changed her mind, had Jack changed his?
“Can I see Ruby and James?” Eric asked, trying to peer past her.
“They’re just down the road at a birthday party.” She stood back. “But they should be home soon.” She gestured to the coffee table and the stacks of picture books piled haphazardly across it. “We’ve just been to the library this morning so come and have a look at the books. There might be something there you like. I know Jamie chose some truck books.”
Eric went over, and began to rifle through the pile, and Jack said in a low voice, “Are you inviting me in, too?”
His voice sounded like heaven. Her pulse skittered as she thought, this is the man you love. “Of course.”
He walked past. He smelt fresh, newly showered, and he said without hesitation as he stopped , “You’ve got no idea how much I missed you.”
He put his hands to her shoulders then slid them up her jaw to cup her face.
She shuddered at the feel of his skin on hers. He’d been gone a week and it had felt like forever.
His gaze was unwaveringly on her as he murmured, “You have no idea how glad I am to be back.”
“Maybe,” she whispered, because she was finding it hard to speak, “you should show me.”
Without words, he pulled her into his arms, bent his head to hers and kissed her. Deeply and thoroughly.
She sighed against his mouth. It felt right. The smell of him, the taste. Even the feel of his body beneath that leather jacket, the protectiveness of him. It all felt so right.
She murmured, “When did you fly in?”
He pulled back, pushed the hair back from her face. “This morning. I couldn't wait to see you. I thought about you far too much on the plane.”
She spread her hands over the broad expanse of his chest. It was amazing how much of him she could feel through the layers. “What were you thinking exactly?”
“A lot of things.” He took both her hands in his as he shot a glance across at Eric who had a book open across his knees. “You should know that Eric is staying with me.”
Relief welled up inside her. “You changed your mind?”
His mouth curved into a smile. “Turns out it was easy. There were a lot of reasons, but it was the right decision to make and it’s what Eric wanted in the end. I won’t say I don’t have doubts. I do. A lot of them the more I think about it. But I’ll give it my best shot.”
She couldn’t stop the smile on her face. It had seemed so obvious to everyone else that he could do this, that he could be a father.
He gripped her hands a little tighter, captured her gaze. “Just as I believe — no, I don’t believe. I know that the last few weeks have been the most unforgettable of my life.” His eyes shadowed a moment. “I’ve had to do things I never would have wished upon anyone.”
He gave a smile, but there was the hint of apprehension in that smile. “I've had time to think. Time to try and figure it all out. Time to realize that —” His gaze settled on her with an intensity that made her mouth go dry.
“Time to realize what?”
“That I love you.” He said it so matter-of-factly it took a moment for the words to make sense.
She mentally shook her head to clear it, but the words were still there. He loved her.
Joy bubbled up in her heart and he said, “I want us to be together. I want this whole family to be together.”
He tightened his hold on her in a way that was so protective and possessive it took the breath from her lungs. “And I want to do this properly because it’s the only time I plan on doing this ever.” He held her hands against his chest — close to his heart. “Robyn Taylor. Will you marry me?”
For a long moment the most incredible feeling of elation filled her. That was what she wanted. Her and Jack, the twins and Eric.
Yes, it was what she wanted. So badly. She’d dreamt of it. Even fantasized about it.
Her gaze slipped to Eric and suddenly that joy in her chest began to erode. Was his son the reason Jack wanted her? To be a mom because his lack of faith in himself was still there, still burning holes in his own belief?
She inhaled long and deep against the sudden nervous beating of her heart.
“Are you saying,” she said cautiously, “that you want me to be a mom to Eric?”
His eyebrows drew together. “Of course. That comes with it.”
Comes with it or is the main reason. She let a few seconds pass. Hadn’t he said that exact thing when he’d left for the airport last week? That Eric needed a mother.
At the time he’d meant Maria.
Silence deepened and she squeezed her eyes shut. This wasn’t how she ever saw this happening in those dreams.
She opened her eyes, looked straight into his.
Slowly, she shook her head. “My answer has to be no.”
A voice of caution warned that she couldn’t possibly have given this enough thought. But what was to think?
Jack blinked. Looked as if for a second he had never anticipated this.
She said, “I see why you want to do this. But I can't.”
“You can't what?”
“Be a permanent nanny.”
He squeezed her hands in his again, but suddenly the warmth in them failed to seep through. “I'm not asking you to be a nanny.”
“Yes. You are.”
“I'm asking you to be my wife.”
“You need someone to be a mom to Eric,” she reminded him.
His eyebrows drew together so tight they almost touched. “No. Get that thought out of your mind. I’m not saying that.”
“You just said —”
“Because we’d be a family. Robyn, I don’t want to marry you so that you’re just a live-in caregiver to Eric.”
She clutched those words, but the reality of his situation was glaring at her.
He needed her but it wasn’t really her. It was what she was. A woman. A mother. That’s what she’d been in the beginning. The woman to look after his son. It just so happened their feelings for one another had changed, but it didn’t change what he wanted her for.
“Robyn, this is completely different to when you and the twins first came over.”
In many ways it was different, of course it was. But not different enough and he didn’t see it. Or didn’t want to see it.
Yet she saw that at the
very heart of it, he was running scared. He’d made the decision to raise Eric and he was panicking. From day one he had never had faith in his ability to do that, and despite all that had gone on in their lives, that, apparently, hadn’t changed.
“It’s happened fast.” He gave a lazy grin and she almost groaned at the look on his face, a look that made her just want to fall into his embrace and never ever leave it. “But the truth is I’ve fallen hard for you, Robyn Taylor.”
She wanted to believe it was her he wanted. Not just another adult to be on tap.
But how could she know for sure? She didn’t need another failed relationship, didn’t need to lose that independence she’d spent the past few years gaining.
“If I marry again, I want...” She breathed in deep, tried to think what she wanted because she had only focused on what she didn’t want.
So what did she want?
Marriage had never been part of her thinking because for the most part they were doing fine, her and the twins.
Eric came over then, and Jack’s arm went around him. There was a casualness to it that surprised her. She’d seen that affection when Val had died, when Jack had told him the news and Eric had turned to Jack.
But the ease of this...It was new.
Her heart skipped a beat. It proved he didn’t need her at all. He thought he did but he didn’t. How long would a marriage last once she was no longer useful to him?
“I’ve done this the wrong way,” he said.
She shook her head. “Jack, I know what you want. And I don’t think it really is me.”
He reached out then, touched her lips and a shudder went through her. “So what do you want, Robyn? Because it sounds like you’re saying you don’t want me when your body is telling me no such thing.”
Her heart jolted in a way that was frighteningly too familiar. “I find you attractive. I always have.”
“Yet a marriage proposal, from someone who loves you, isn’t enough?”
That was the crux. She didn’t believe he did love her. How could he, when she wasn’t sure he even knew what love was, when maybe he was confusing his need for her with love.