Divinely Living (Surviving Series)

by Courtney Cross

  “You’re obviously tired Cameron,” I observed as a third yawn reverberated into the receiver, “Go to bed and I’ll call you in a few days when I get home. And Cameron...”

  “Yes,” he replied in a questioning tone.

  “Thank you for everything. I owe you big time.”

  “I’m sure I’ll find a way for you to repay me.”

  “You, Mr Collins, have yourself a deal.” I replied with definitive resolution to repaying Cameron generously when he returned. “Goodnight Cameron.”

  “Night gorgeous,” he returned in a low voice. “Missing you Matthews,” he added.

  “Missing you too,” I said honestly as I hung up and ended the call.

  Now I was even more confused than previously. For months I had been getting vibes and signals from Cameron that indicated he saw more to our friendship than I did. I mean, shit, the man was hot. At six feet four inches of solid muscle, with a shock of dark curly hair and rich dark eyes, he was never without female interest. His warm personality and genuine, caring nature was a real draw and attributes that even I couldn’t deny were attractive. He radiated quiet control and fierce protectiveness, traits most women wished their man to possess. Whenever he was around he made me feel safe, eased my vulnerabilities and amused me with his easy charm and high spirit. I shook my head and began vigorously combing my hair as unwelcome thoughts of how deeply I had come to feel for Cameron and how important an entity he had made himself in my life, gripped me. Lying only a few feet away was the man of my dreams, the man who had my love and who turned me on with just one look. The man my body craved and my heart beat for. To have any thoughts pertaining to another was a mind fuck I didn’t need or want. God, when the hell did my life go from controlled, calm and emotionless to vibrant, out of control and confusing? Jesus Ava, I cursed at myself, you seriously need to get a grip. With my self-chastisement ringing in my head, I resolved myself to dealing with the emotional minefield I was walking head on into, later…hopefully much later.

  Dropping the comb onto the worktop and slipping into the white silk robe that hung on the back of the room door, I took one last look at myself in the mirror. Determination shone brightly in my green eyes, an unwavering determination that until recently had been a foreign notion to me. In order to move forward, build on what we had and seal our future, Jonah needed to open up and offer explanations that he had been putting off since turning up on the beach yesterday morning. No more excuses or running from reality. Today was the day I embraced the changes befalling me at an alarmingly quick rate and did the one thing I had always been incapable of doing. Today it was time to stand and face the truth and whatever pain that may bring. For if we didn’t we had no future. And a future without Jonah Jacobson in it was not one I wanted to face unless absolutely forced to.

  Chapter Six

  Piercing bright sunlight poured through the thinly lined curtains in the bedroom, bathing Jonah’s naked form in rays of yellows and oranges that blended with the honey coloured tinge to his tanned skin. Laid on his front with both hands tucked beneath his pillow, the soft hum of his breathing was the only sound to be heard in the room. Even when asleep, the pull he had on my body was alive and pulsating. Hunger stirred within me as my eyes glided across the embodiment of power, control and masculine perfection sleeping peacefully between the silk sheets that were still warm from our lovemaking. From his unruly dark hair, broad, sculptured shoulders and taught muscular back, to the perfect swell of his ass and heavily muscled thighs, there was no mistaking Jonah’s breath taking beauty and the effect it never failed to have on me. He was built to fuck, born to pleasure and wired to do both at will. Crossing my legs, the bite of pain from my swollen sex was proof of his virility and blessed sexual prowess. I loved the soreness, the reminder of how good he felt when sheathed inside me. After fucking Jonah, the reminder remained for days. Even after showering, his scent still clung to my skin; the feel of his lips on my breasts and at my throat remained embedded in my flesh. A night with Jonah was not one to be taken lightly and one not to be forgotten easily.

  As I continued to stare, he stirred from his state of slumber, reaching out to the vacant space beside him where I had previously laid. Feeling that I was gone, his blue eyes flew open in panic as he pushed himself into a sitting position and scoured the room wildly searching for me. A wave of relief swept across his face as he caught sight of me, his entire body relaxing.

  “Christ, I thought I’d dreamt last night for a second,” he cursed while scrubbing the remainder of sleep from his face with both hands.

  “It’s okay, I’m here,” I reassured him. The look of almost desolation in is eyes cut through my heart. We both felt the insecurity that being apart had left us with. Jonah’s clear show of that flaw was both touching and endearing and made the conversation we were about to have all the more poignant.

  “Is everything okay?” He questioned as his glazed eyes focused directly on me.

  “That depends,” I said in a low voice. “It’s time Jonah. No more covering over the problem with sex. I need to know why your Uncle has such an unhealthy interest in my life and my inheritance. If you want to be in my life, then it’s time to spill. No more secrets, no more lies and no more deceit. I can’t be with you while doubt is hanging over us. It’s just too painful.”

  Relief switched to concern then resolve as he pulled the silk top sheet up to his waist and leaned into the antique oak bed frame at the head of the bed. With a nod, he swallowed violently, ran a hand through his sleep-tousled hair and looked back at me with a look of desperation that set my pulse racing frantically.

  “Before I tell you anything, you need to know one thing Ava. Regardless of my agreeing to Benjamin’s ask for help, everything I have done and every word I have spoken to you since the day we met as been the truth. When I say I love you, I mean it. Don’t forget that.”

  “The only thing that will force me to leave you now is if you continue to withhold the truth from me. I’m not running anymore Jonah. I believe you’re worth fighting for, that we are worth fighting for. But we can’t live without trust. You broke that once, we won’t survive if you choose to break it again.”

  Clenching his jaw and gritting his teeth, he began to speak. “Benjamin has no interest in you personally, Ava; you were seen merely as a means to an end. Alex is the reason Benjamin asked me to become involved. He believes Alex owes him and our family as a whole, and out of loyalty to the Jacobson name I owed it to him to help achieve revenge on the man he blames for my fathers death and my mothers leaving.”

  I stared wide eyed in disbelief. “I don’t understand.”

  Arching his neck against the wall he inhaled a lungful of air before continuing. “Benjamin studied law at Harvard in the States. Money has always flowed throughout the Jacobson family and education was made a priority in all our lives from an early age. His parents paid for top education and Harvard was viewed as one of the top law university’s in the world. That’s where he met Alex.”

  I shook my head in confusion. “Alex never practiced law. It was a profession he despised and made no secret of it.”

  “He despised it because he failed at it miserably. After cheating his way through school, when he was gifted a scholarship to Harvard the bastard was way out of his depth. Benjamin carried his arse for the first two years, gave him extra tutoring and even doctored essays and assignments for him. They were close from what I can gather, before Alex flunked crucial exams and was kicked out for not attaining the scholarship requirements. Benjamin refused to help him cheat the exams he failed and Alex blamed Benjamin for his own failure. It seems war was waged between the two of them from that day on.”

  Tucking my knees beneath my chin, I struggled to process his words. “So what happened between them after Alex left?”

  “Benjamin continued, graduated and began working for the family firm. After my grandfather retired from the firm in Ireland, Benjamin expanded and merged with the Fitzgerald half of the bu
siness that worked offices in the UK and US, primarily London, Chicago and Boston. Hence Jacobson and Fitzgerald was born.”

  My brows furrowed. “I still don’t see what the hell any of this as to do with me or Alex for that matter.”

  Wrapping the sheet around his waist, Jonah threw his legs over the side of the bed and hunched his shoulders. “Years after leaving Harvard, Benjamin’s career was going from strength to strength. Alex's career was too. Apparently his family disowned him after his removal from the University leaving Alex penniless and homeless. But he got a few lucky breaks, made influential contacts through less than legal avenues and began clawing together the foundations of A.M Enterprises. Alex rapidly made a name for himself as a big player and the business began to grow. One day he turned up in the Chicago office, played to Benjamin’s greedy nature and offered him a deal he couldn’t refuse. In return for secret handouts and under the table sweeteners, Alex wanted Benjamin to deal with all his legal affairs and accounts pertaining to his business affairs and act as his personal lawyer. Benjamin agreed and they both benefited. Alex fucked up then paid my uncle to clean it up. It was a winning situation for both and, one that proved fruitful over the next few years.”

  “Why did that change?” I asked as dozens of questions raced around in my head. “Seems they were cut from the same cloth and made for each other.”

  Hanging his head slightly, I had to restrain myself from jumping from the chair and sweeping the strands of chestnut from his forehead as they fell around his eyes. Something in Jonah’s demeanour indicated that whatever was yet to come was painful for him to share and a heavy weight to bear. But not wanting to stop him from speaking, I remained where I was and waited patiently for him to reply.

  “It all changed the day Alex fucked my mother.” He lifted his head with pure hatred burning in the depths of his blue eyes. “Alex is the reason my mother left and it all but killed my dad.”

  I gasped loudly, “No, God, no.” I slapped a palm across my mouth in shock and disbelief. Pain was etched across every inch of Jonah’s face, every muscle adorning his body tightened as his body went rigid. The urge to comfort him burned deeper within me, but still I remained still. Jonah needed to offload just as much as I needed him to. Stopping him now would only help him to bottle the emotion he was swamped him further and doing that would undoubtedly end badly if allowed to grow.

  Standing quickly with a nod, he grabbed for his jeans that were strewn on the room carpet and pulled them on. He fisted his hands in the front pockets, obviously an attempt at refraining from hitting something and continued in a menacing, deathly voice that I found both intimidating and terrifying.

  “Their business relationship began to spill over into their private lives. Benjamin often invited Alex to stay at the homes he owned in Ireland and Europe and Alex returned the favour, offering out homes he owned in the Caribbean and South America to our entire family. They took each other up on their offers and it seems that while Alex frequented his home in Dublin, he befriended my gullible father and fucked my whore of a mother. It went on for months while I was a baby. Then one day, she left, leaving behind nothing but a letter addressed to dad informing him she was madly in love with Alex, was pregnant with his child and intended to move to the States to be a proper family. Her betrayal effectively killed my dad, infuriated my uncle and left me without a mother. Only thing is, Alex had no fucking intention of touching her deceitful arse again once she left dad and made their affair public. From what Benjamin could find out, she arrived in Chicago to a less than warm reception and was sent packing. Nobody knows where she went after then, but the faint leads the private detective my dad paid to find her turned up pointed towards her moving to California. My dad tried for years and paid thousands of pounds to find her but never did. The man was riddled with cancer nine years on and was still searching for the whore. Alex’s admission years later during a violent confrontation with my uncle that he only screwed her as an act of revenge for Benjamin withdrawing his help when they were at university was what finally finished him off. She was only the beginning of what Alex had planned yet what they did had the most devastating of consequences.”

  Tears that I had been holding back began to fall. I cried for his loss, his pain and the devastation that ripped an entire family apart through one man’s unfounded ideals of unwarranted retribution. Jonah had suffered at the hands of Alex just as I had. Yet another reality, that bound us closer together. “I’m so sorry for what he did to you,” I whispered as sobs lodged in my throat and stifled my voice.

  Closing the gap between us in a second, he pulled me from the chair and hauled me to my feet. Burying his face in my still damp hair and wrapping his arm around me tightly, the shakes that racked through his powerful frame set my own body trembling in response.

  “You do not apologise for that fuckers actions, do you hear me.” Releasing his hold on me slightly, I raised my head from his chest and saw the defiance in his eyes. “You suffered worse than anyone at that bastards hands. You don’t owe me, or my fucked up family any apologies on his behalf. What my mother did was her own choice. My dad harboured love for her until the day he died through his own choice. None of this is your doing or your guilt to bear.”

  I cupped his cheeks in my small shaking hands as the tears continued to fall. “It’s not your doing either Jonah. Your uncle was wrong to make you feel you owed him any kind of gratitude after everything you were put through as a child. He was family and an adult. It was his duty to care for you; you owed him nothing in return.”

  Pressing a kiss to my forehead, his body relaxed against mine as he held me tightly. “We’re both victims of failed parentage and deficient childhoods. That’s what makes you even more special to me sweetheart. Being fucked up is okay, you told me that. You want me despite my failings because you understand what it means to be damaged which only makes me love you more, because you understand.”

  Resting my face between the hard slabs of his pectorals I inhaled his scent, allowing the familiarity and safety it offered to flow through me. With Jonah I felt I belonged. I never realised until that moment how significant a factor that had become within my life. He was my lifeline, my protector and my defence against the darkness. Jonah was the brightest light and sweetest of agonising pain and I loved him passionately for it.

  Still holding me in his arms, he sat down in the chair I had been rooted in and pulled me across his lap. His tongue found the pulse point within my throat as he traced the outline of my neck. I sucked in a breath as his hand ascended over my thigh, the flesh beneath his palm burning under his touch. His tongue found my chin, then my lower lip before sealing his lips around mine, his tongue sweeping the inside of my mouth, as he tasted me. A groan of need escaped him as he intensified the kiss, his fingers gripping my upper thigh painfully. I moaned as the hardness of his growing erection pressed against the cheek of my ass, an undeniable sign of Jonah’s arousal. Desire stirred within me, my sex beginning to feel the slow burn it always did when turned on by Jonah and greedy for his touch. Just as the sex haze that always enveloped me when wrapped up in Jonah’s seductive spell began to fall, I wrenched my lips from his and shook my head.

  “What’s wrong?” He breathed, his hooded gaze searing through me.

  “This is all wrong,” I said hoarsely as I wriggled out of his hold and stood on weak legs. “We can’t keep doing this Jonah.”

  “Can’t keep doing what? I can’t make love to my girlfriend? Since when as being inside you been an issue?” The edge to his usually melodic, soothing baritone confirmed what I had felt only a second ago. Confronting the past was a place neither of us was able to revisit without becoming emotionally distressed and in need of comfort. Fucking each other to the point of exhaustion acted as a defence against the pain, a temporary band-aid across the wounds that refused to heal. Like me, Jonah was unable to relive the memories without having to batter back the darkness. We couldn’t keep doing this. The more we denied the hurt,
the more it pained us and had us in its grip. It was time to stop allowing the past to control our future. A future we could not share until we did.

  “What you were attempting to do was run from your issues by burying your head in the sand as you always do when the shit gets rough. Fucking me would only dull the pain temporarily Jonah and you damn well know it. The memories will resurface the moment you shoot your load and hurt more then before. We can’t keep using sex as a way of healing wounds that won’t fully heal until we deal with them and lay them to rest for good.”

  He slouched in the chair, his six pack defined beneath the taut skin laying over it, the impressive outline of his hardened cock barely contained by the denim restraining it. His shoulders slumped and eyes closed. Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his thighs and buried his face in his hands.

  “Tell me everything, Jonah. Get it out all once and for all. Let go, I’m not going anywhere I promise you.”

  Raising his head, he grimaced forcibly. “Forgive me Savannah but your promises mean jack shit. You promised to hear me out before, remember, and then ran the hell away before coming good on that promise. You can’t blame me for not trusting you when you promise it now. Living without you these past weeks almost finished me; I can’t go through that again.”

  I crossed my arms and arched a brow. “Cut the crap Jacobson. Making me feel like hell is only going to make you despise yourself more. You can’t hurt me emotionally anymore than I can you. So spare me the wounded animal routine and just talk. I took a huge leap of faith with you yesterday despite the reservations I had. You owe me the same courtesy don’t you think?”

  The back of my legs found the edge of the mattress as I stepped backwards and sat down. My eyes never left his as I encouraged him to continue talking with a brief smile. We had already come so far; there was no way we were retreating now.