The Blue-Haired Bombshell

by John Zakour

  ‘‘You really know how to make an entrance,’’ I told her.

  ‘‘I bought one of Santana Clausa’s personal teleporters,’’she said. ‘‘There are times when it’s useful being the richest being on the planet,’’ she said, munching on sushi.

  ‘‘I can imagine.’’

  She shook her head. ‘‘No, you can’t.’’ She pointed at my dish. ‘‘Eat your food. You’re going to need your strength for where I’m taking you.’’

  I was afraid to ask, but I did anyhow. ‘‘So, where you taking me?’’

  ‘‘To Threa’s realm.’’

  ‘‘So you believe me that she may be involved?’’

  Ona looked down, grabbing a Chinese roll. ‘‘I owe you a favor, Zach. You’re the only person ever to save me. Let’s leave it at that.’’

  Wise advice a smart man would have taken. ‘‘What if Threa is involved?’’ I pressed.

  ‘‘That would be bad,’’ Ona said. ‘‘My sister may be a loon but she’s a powerful loon. I don’t think she’s behind this but I have to check it out.’’

  I took a bite of the chicken. ‘‘Glad you can help.’’

  Ona took a sip of wine. ‘‘I must admit this isn’t totally altruistic on my part.’’ She held her glass up for me to toast. I did.

  ‘‘You’re a businesswoman. I’m not surprised.’’

  We both took sips of our drinks.

  She looked up at me from hers. ‘‘I may be more than that in the near future.’’

  ‘‘More than a billionaire superbabe?’’

  ‘‘I’ve been asked to replace Sexy on the WC.’’

  ‘‘What?’’ I choked, spitting out my drink.

  ‘‘The World Council has a policy of replacing assassinated members with new members of very similar values. They figured it would cut down on killings.’’ She took another sip. ‘‘Since I’m nearly invulnerable, they figure that will cut down on attacks.’’

  I looked at her. ‘‘So your sole qualifications are that you think like Sexy Sprockets and are hard to kill?’’

  ‘‘Yeah, kind of scary.’’

  Kind of didn’t even come close to describing the level of scariness.

  Ona pointed to my plate. ‘‘Finish your broccoli. You’re going to need your strength.’’

  I speared a broccoli floret. I took a moment to take in the ironic aspects of it. ‘‘Yes, Mom.’’

  She smiled lightly. ‘‘Chew your food at least thirty-two times.’’

  I did as I was told. After all, I didn’t want to accidentally choke to death without giving Threa a chance to kill me. I chewed then swallowed. In most cases that’s hardly noteworthy, but in this case I knew it might be the last time I performed those simple actions.

  Ona stood up and looked at me.

  ‘‘Ready to roll?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘You’re such a strange little man,’’ she said.

  She snapped her fingers.

  Chapter 13

  The next thing I knew Ona and I were standing on a path in the middle of a lush green tropical forest. A butterfly floated by. I had been to Threa’s realm before, but it was different this time, less gothic and D&D-like than I remembered it.

  ‘‘Look alive,’’ Ona said as we started walking up the path. ‘‘You never know what’s in Threa’s demented mind.’’

  ‘‘So is this place real?’’ I asked.

  Ona shrugged. ‘‘Real enough. It’s a mix of holograms with some genetic and psionic creations tossed in.’’

  ‘‘That’s what I was thinking,’’ I said.

  ‘‘You were not,’’ HARV protested in my brain.

  We walked on for a few minutes. It was peaceful and serene. I knew it couldn’t last long.

  ‘‘It’s quiet,’’ Ona said. ‘‘Too quiet.’’

  ‘‘Is that a bad sign?’’ I asked.

  ‘‘Nah, I just always wanted to say that,’’ Ona winked.

  HARV appeared between us. ‘‘Ms. Ona,’’ he said as politely as HARV is able. ‘‘I need something more quantifiable than a mix of holograms with some genetic and psionic creations.’’

  ‘‘Sorry,’’ she said as we forged forward. ‘‘I need a being that can handle one of my orgasms without needing to be hospitalized.’’ She shrugged. ‘‘Not even superbeings and supercomputers always get what they want.’’

  We kept walking, luckily in silence. After a few minutes I popped my Colt 2062 into my hand. It just felt like the right thing to do.

  ‘‘A bit edgy, Zach,’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘He pulls out that silly little thing whenever he’s feeling inadequate,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘Just being cautious,’’ I told them, ‘‘I’ve got a bad feeling . . .’’

  ‘‘Oh, good, glad to see your actions are based on such empirical concepts,’’ HARV said, eyes raised and rolling.

  The next thing I saw spooked me. There, standing in front of us, were over one thousand humanoid-shaped shadows. Saying they were eerie would be as much of an understatement as noting that World Council budget planning premeetings are boring.

  ‘‘Halt!’’ the gaggle of shadow beings decreed at once. ‘‘The mistress will not be disturbed,’’ they all said, not quite in unison. It was like each of them said it about a nano before the next, making the statement echo thousands of times.

  ‘‘See, this is why I drew my weapon,’’ I said to Ona and HARV.

  HARV put a hand to his eyes and leaned forward as if to get a bitter glimpse. ‘‘These are like nothing I have ever processed.’’

  ‘‘They are a half-baked concoction from Threa’s brain and lab, part real, part surreal. Part of all the things that scare humans: demons, darkness, depression,vampires, ghosts, clowns, taxes, career politicians, and telemarketers.’’

  ‘‘Oh, good. I was afraid it was going to be something weird,’’ I said.

  ‘‘They have no true form, just partial substance. Threa cooks them up in a hurry when she needs a legion of easy to maintain minions.’’

  ‘‘How often does she need a legion of minions?’’ HARV asked, truly curious.

  ‘‘More often than you would think.’’

  The living darkness crept toward us. It sent a chill up my spine and not in a good way.

  ‘‘So these things aren’t technically alive?’’ I asked.

  Ona thought for a nano or two. ‘‘Depends on your definition of alive. Threa thinks they are alive. Twoa and I disagree. They certainly don’t have individual will or consciousness, if you want to go spiritual on me.’’ Ona thought for a nano more, then added, ‘‘They do give great foot massages though.’’

  Hearing that they were not alive was all I needed. I held out the Colt 2062. ‘‘GUS, I’m going to need a wide distribution blast.’’

  ‘‘Ah, check, I guess,’’ GUS said far less enthusiastically than normal.

  ‘‘What’s the problem, buddy?’’

  ‘‘He can’t get a read on them,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘Ah, check,’’ GUS said.

  I figured I’d blast them the old-fashioned way, without computer targeting. I squeezed the trigger sending a powerful beam of energy at the mob. The energy harmlessly passed through them, not even slowing their approach.

  ‘‘They aren’t quite there, so you can’t hurt them with actual weapons,’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘Just lovely,’’ I said a split nano before one of the creatures tagged me in the jaw.

  I recoiled in pain. ‘‘Gates and DOS that hurt!’’ I shouted.

  Ona had her own problems as the multitude of dark blob creatures had engulfed her. Ona screamed and spun, flinging the first round of attackers off of her.

  ‘‘I hate this,’’ she spat. ‘‘Since they don’t really exist you can’t use real weapons on them.’’

  ‘‘We need to do something fast,’’ I said.

  Another mob of dark mass had swollen over Ona, covering her up to her neck. ‘‘Yeah, you’re telling me,’’
she said. ‘‘You’re just lucky they don’t consider you much of a threat.’’

  ‘‘Yeah, but that was their mistake,’’ I said.

  Two more dark shapes were bearing down on me. I held out an open hand towards HARV. ‘‘HARV, holographic sword, now!’’ I shouted.

  HARV crossed his arms and stood there. ‘‘What, you can’t even ask with a complete sentence? Just because you’re being attacked by dark humanoid masses doesn’t give you an excuse to be uncivilized.’’

  The masses grabbed me, tackling me to the ground. All the while I left my arm extended and my hand open. ‘‘HARV, will you please give me a holographic sword?’’

  HARV smiled. ‘‘See, now that wasn’t so hard. It’s always important to be polite.’’

  A glowing, long sword appeared in my open hand. I hacked at the black shadow blobs. They screamed in pain as they split and disappeared.

  I stood up and held the sword out. This was going to be fun. I moved forward, slashing and hacking as I advanced. The nice thing about wielding a holographic sword was I couldn’t hurt myself with it. That allowed me to go crazy.

  I sliced my way forward for at least a half a kilometer. Since my sword weighed nothing, it was easy. It actually gave me a feeling of empowerment I hadn’t felt in a long time. Obviously, I had some issues. In a way this was good therapy. As I hacked, Ona and HARV followed behind, critiquing me.

  ‘‘It’s about time he’s finally doing some work,’’ HARV said.

  ‘‘I think he’s enjoying himself,’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘He’s a very simple man,’’ HARV added.

  Finally, I managed to cut my way through the horde that wasn’t really quite there, enabling me to get close enough to see Threa. She was just sitting in a pasture, legs crossed, hovering off the ground with her eyes closed, meditating.

  Ona looked at her sister, shook her head while rolling her eyes. Ona walked up to Threa, made a fist and clunked her over the head with it. This got her attention.

  Threa’s eyes shot open, her arm shot up. ‘‘Who in the name of the goddess dares disturb me? I will turn them into doormats.’’ Threa focused in on me. ‘‘Zachary Nixon Johnson, I always considered you an ally.’’

  Ona tapped Threa on the shoulder. Threa turned to see her sister. ‘‘Oh, I should have known it was you.’’

  Ona hit Threa with a left hook that sent her flying over HARV and me. Threa hit the ground, left a dent in it, and popped up, ready for a fight.

  ‘‘Why in the name of me did you do that?’’ she shouted, fists clinched and smoke coming out of her ears.

  ‘‘Just making sure we had your attention,’’ Ona said, ripping off what little sleeves she had.

  ‘‘Oh, you’ve got it in spades,’’ Threa said, moving forward and rolling up the sleeves of her gown.

  ‘‘And they say no family is normal,’’ HARV said.

  The two titanic women stormed toward each other. Obviously I wasn’t the only one with issues.

  ‘‘I should record this,’’ HARV said. ‘‘It would be the number one download for days.’’

  I couldn’t let these two go at it. As fun as it might have been to watch, it wasn’t going to help my case in any way.

  Moving forward, I positioned myself between them, holding my arms out in some foolish hope that that would be enough to keep them apart. Continuing forward, they ignored me. I was caught between them in something that was both terrifying and strangely erotic. Yep, I definitely have issues.

  Both ladies curled their hands into fists. ‘‘These are actual targets,’’ GUS said meekly in my head.

  I popped the Colt 2062 back into my hand, positioning it between the two ladies. ‘‘High energy blasts from both ends!’’ I ordered.

  Energy ripped from my gun, launching both Ona and Threa into the air for at least fifty meters. I smiled. They hit the ground, once again the ground taking the worst of it. They bounced up. They both started to laugh.

  ‘‘Wow, Zach, can’t you let a couple of sisters have some fun?’’ Ona said.

  ‘‘That little toy of yours packs a punch,’’ Threa said.

  HARV patted me on the shoulder. ‘‘Just be glad they enjoyed the experience.’’

  The two superwoman approached me, their outfits, such as they were, ripped to shreds. But neither of them had all that much clothing on to begin with.

  ‘‘So, what brings you to my realm?’’ Threa asked.

  ‘‘Sexy Sprockets,’’ I started to say.

  Threa turned bloodred. Fire starting pouring out of any open orifices she had. ‘‘How dare you mention that whore in my realm!’’ she shouted.

  ‘‘. . . is dead.’’ I finished.

  Threa exhaled. The fire fizzled out. Threa hung her head. ‘‘Ah, that’s too bad. As whores go she was a good one.’’

  ‘‘Sexy and two other council members, Weathers and Tree, were killed today,’’ I said looking Threa dead in the eye. Well, a bit in the breasts, but mostly in the eyes. Unlike these superdames I’m only human. Right?

  Threa took a step back. ‘‘You think I’m responsible?’’

  ‘‘The thought had crossed my mind,’’ I said.

  ‘‘I told him I was pretty sure it wasn’t you,’’ Ona said as meekly as I’ve ever heard her say anything.

  Threa took a step forward, fist curled, she looked right through me. ‘‘Pretty sure?’’

  Ona shrugged. ‘‘Sis, with you one can never be totally sure. You are a bit of a flake.’’

  Threa dropped back a step again. ‘‘How true.’’ She thought for a few nanos. ‘‘Killing people is so not my style. And I had nothing against Weathers and Tree. I’ve only met them two or three times.’’

  I looked at Threa. Her features had dropped some. She was certainly distressed. I’m not sure if she was more upset about the deaths or being accused.

  ‘‘Where did the murders occur?’’ Threa asked.

  ‘‘She really has been in another world,’’ HARV mumbled.

  ‘‘In the New Frisco World Council office building,’’ I said.

  Threa tossed her hair over her shoulder. ‘‘But the security there had to be top-notch.’’

  ‘‘It was. The killer took them out too,’’ I said.

  Threa’s eyes opened wide. ‘‘Then you know it wasn’t me. I would never hurt the little oppressed people.’’

  Ona nodded. ‘‘That’s true.’’

  The look of sincerity on Threa’s face was utterly convincing. If she was the killer, she was an even better liar.

  ‘‘Sorry for bothering you, Threa,’’ I said, with a tip of my fedora.

  ‘‘We still on for lunch on Tuesday, sis?’’ Ona asked.

  ‘‘You bet, but you’re paying.’’

  Ona snapped her fingers. We were back in the restaurant. I wasn’t sure if we really had left.

  Chapter 14

  Soon as I got home, I plopped down on the couch and starting crunching data with HARV. I couldn’t totally rule out Shannon and Threa as suspects. A good P.I. never totally rules out a loon. Still, between my instincts and what I knew about the two women, I was fairly certain neither of them was the killer. The killer was somebody who would gain from killing Sexy, Weathers, and Tree. There had to be something that linked the dead trio besides the fact they all had names that could double as adjectives or nouns.

  HARV and I pored over the data. Never in the history of history had three people been so different. The only attributes they seemed to share were a love of the limelight and of wasting the taxpayers’ money. They each had ten times as many press conferences and photo ops as they had votes on council resolutions.

  Out of the three hundred resolutions the three of them had voted on, they all agreed on only one, the resolution to give themselves a 25 percent cost-of-high-living raise. I was getting nowhere, slow.

  Randy had so far been no help on reviewing the video of the crime scene. It seems he got caught up watching an old Battlestar Galatica
marathon. The entire series was remixed in 3-D. Randy couldn’t resist. I gave him props for his taste, if not his timing. Randy didn’t see the rush. After all, the police were sure they had the guilty party in custody.

  After some coaxing and more bribing, Randy assured me he’d get right on it. I continued sifting through the voting records. I always thought all politicians were basically the same person wrapped in a slightly different package. I was wrong. While these three certainly shared the same vapid personality and the dogmatic belief that they were always right, that was about all they shared. They all had different ‘‘pet’’ issues, all of them equally shallow. Sexy was a big supporter of pets’ rights. The only resolution she initiated during her tenure on the council was an amendment to block an amendment to consider a proposal to bring back cat eating. Sexy’s big motto was Cats are for hugging, not hunger.

  Weathers, an ex-athlete who had replaced his late wife Stormy (who, unbeknownst to most of the world, had tried to destroy most of the world) liked to think of himself as the champion of the little guy. Of course, to a politician the definition of little guy is millionaire, as opposed to billionaire. He was a defender of pro-athletes’ rights. These rights included lifelong extra medical coverage, tax breaks on endorsements, and two get-out-of-jail-frees for punching members of the media. I kind of liked the last one.

  Tree was a different sort. He had spent the last thirty years on the World Council. He was a lifelong politician which meant he scared me the most. Reviewing the public record videos of him, a blind man could see that he held Sexy and Weathers in disdain. Here’s a man who worked all his life as a politician, yet he always took a backseat to his come-lately colleagues like Sexy and Weathers. As far as I knew (and HARV confirmed) he was never even considered for head of the council. His pet policy was a policy that politicians shouldn’t have pet policies. He would introduce it every year and every year he would be the only one to vote for it.

  ‘‘The three of them were so different, yet they were all going to meet about the Moon,’’ I said to HARV.

  ‘‘The official record is they were trying to convince the Moon to accept more waste products from Earth.’’