Girth

by Savannah Rylan

  However, my call went straight to his voicemail. His voice sounded sexy, making this even more difficult for me. With an aggravated growl, I ended the call and threw the phone on the couch.

  Fury mixed with pain, and I needed to take a few deep breaths to compose myself. I wouldn’t cry, but it was ripping me from deep within that he would do something like this to me again.

  Pissed off, I thought about the string of expletives I could use to describe him. Why? Just why did he have to come back and hurt me again?

  Chapter 16

  Noah

  I was an idiot. A complete and the most despicable idiot.

  I returned to my place, hating myself more than ever. I could only imagine what she was feeling at the moment, and it would be completely justified because I did the same shit I did to her seven years ago. I left her again. If I had any chance of getting her forgiveness, it was totally gone after this morning.

  The whole way home was brutal. I was constantly reminded by how sweet and sexy she was last night, her kisses and the silky feel of her body against mine forever engraved in my memory. I saw it in her eyes. She was ready to try again, and she was giving me her all, even though I had yet to apologize to her and beg her for forgiveness.

  But I fucked everything up. I didn’t beg her for forgiveness. I didn’t say sorry. I just managed to ruin everything and make her hate me more than ever. For, despite our past and the years we spent apart, she still felt something for me. I was able to feel it last night, but I was sure I destroyed that with how I left her this morning. I was the biggest douchebag on the earth.

  I went to take a shower, haunted by the memories of Emma. My cock was rock-hard when I stepped inside the shower, and I couldn’t stop myself. I grabbed my cock and jerked it slowly, thinking about Emma’s warm pussy. Fuck, her pussy.

  After last night, it was going to be even harder for me to forget about her. I pressed my head against the bathroom tiles, stroking my cock, but then I stopped because it only made me feel worse. I only wanted Emma more, and the gnawing feeling that something was completely missing grew stronger.

  Before I could stop it, the flashes of my last night’s nightmare appeared in front of my eyes, so real as if it was actually happening.

  “You’re a killer!” my enemy shouted to me, and every muscle in my body tensed, horror claiming me.

  “What are you doing here?!” I shouted back to him and gripped Emma’s upper arms hard. My grip was going to leave bruises, but I was too angry to be able to worry about her. All that mattered was this anger, this unfair pain…

  “You killed me, murderer. You’re a monster. You deserve the worst!”

  I was so furious that I was ready to inflict pain on him…

  “Fuck no!” I punched the tile, welcoming the sharp pain that came from the impact. I had begun trembling, anger and fear fighting for dominance in me.

  No. I had to stop thinking about this. I would go nuts if I returned to that nightmare… I had to push it away from me.

  I finished showering in a few quick minutes and went to my living room, wondering what I could do to get Emma out of my mind. I had turned off my phone when I left her place because I knew that she would call, but the need to turn it on and check if she called me was too strong at the moment.

  More than anything, I wished I could explain everything to her and take her in my arms, but I didn’t deserve her. I couldn’t be so selfish and call her when our relationship would lead to a disaster. I could hurt her terribly any moment, and I would rather hurt alone for the rest of my life than causing her any harm. The nightmare was a warning. It reminded me of the true horrors and of what I was capable of.

  I needed to figure out the way to keep her safe. I wouldn’t be the one to hurt her, so the best way for me to do that was to never see Emma again.

  At that, another wave of pain hit me, and I fisted my hands, telling myself I had to get over her. I was able to get over her in the army, so I would be able to get over her again.

  More flashes of the nightmare assaulted me, and I closed my eyes.

  I was so angry, on the verge of hurting the enemy soldier. I stepped toward him, but then Emma grabbed my arm in an attempt to stop me.

  “Noah, no! Don’t do it!”

  “I have to!” I screamed at her.

  “Noah, don’t—”

  I pushed her away and swung my fist at the enemy soldier, but Emma stepped in between us at the last possible moment, and my fist ended on her face by accident, making her lips crack.

  I gasped and jumped to my feet, fighting for the air. That and something much worse could happen if I wasn’t strong enough to stay away from her. The flashes of the nightmare created an immense anger in me, and I stood up and began pacing around the place in a bid to tone it down.

  Music. Music could help me.

  The army therapist mentioned me the ways to calm myself down when I was too angry, and music was one of the suggestions.

  I went to the stereo system and played an old Bon Jovi CD. It was Emma’s. She came to my place with this CD once and forgot to take it with her. I had it ever since, and I played it whenever I felt like shit. I didn’t particularly like this kind of music, but it always reminded me of Emma and her sweet smile, which was, strangely enough, helpful.

  I returned to the couch and lay down, hoping to fall asleep and forget about the mess I created. Hoping I wouldn’t dream of Emma or even worse—have another nightmare.

  Chapter 17

  Emma

  I was cleaning the whole afternoon, steamed up. I didn’t know if I was angrier at Noah for being the horrible bastard or at me. I was upset that I had let myself get involved with him again. I should have known that he would end up just leaving me again, and after staying true to my promise to move on for so long, it felt bad knowing I broke it that easily.

  And the worst part was that I wasn’t able to forget how good it felt to have him again. It was so easy to get lost in him when he made love to me like that. His hands were worshiping me, his passion matching mine, and I never felt that way with anyone else but him. If only he wasn’t this awful…

  How could I have fallen for his charm again? It was like I hadn’t learned anything from the previous fiasco.

  I wasn’t nearly tired enough when I finished with cleaning, having loads of extra energy that kept me antsy.

  “Damn that Noah.” Once more, I was like this because of him, and I needed any kind of distraction to take my mind off Noah.

  I lay down on my bed and took my phone, intending to go back into my dating apps to see if I could find someone who could help me with this.

  To my disappointment, I didn’t feel even a flicker of excitement when I looked through various profiles. I felt nothing. I picked a few guys to message, giving this dating app thing another shot.

  “Hello. Wanna chat?”

  I sent this to a man with brown eyes and a beard who looked a few years older than me. His profile said he loved cats and hiking. This sounded nice.

  I went to another profile and messaged a blonde guy who was a year younger than me but looked way more old and mature.

  “Hey, handsome. Wanna talk with me?”

  Just as I texted the fourth guy, the first guy with the beard responded.

  “Hello, beautiful. I always want to chat with gorgeous girls like you.”

  I rolled my eyes at that. Typical.

  “Then it’s good that I had my plastic surgery last month,” I texted him, half-joking, half-yanking his chain.

  “Really? Well, I don’t mind that.”

  I was about to text him back when the fourth guy, who was a programmer with beautiful chestnut curls, messaged me.

  “Hey, gorgeous. I’m here catching a break after a long day at work. How are you?”

  I smiled, looking at his profile picture again. Of all four guys, I liked him the most. He enjoyed the same things I did, according to his bio, and he looked like a cute boy next-door.

  �
�You’re working on Sunday? Wow. Your boss must be a tyrant. I’m great. No work today. Hooray!”

  His reply came pretty quick. “Ouch. So, you’re calling me a tyrant? I own the company I work at, so technically, I’m my own boss.”

  “That’s nice, but you must love your work a lot to work on Sunday.”

  “You can say that again.”

  I was wearing a huge smile, texting him a couple more times before the blonde guy sent me his first message.

  “Wassup?”

  Nothing more? Just “wassup”? Deciding to ignore him, I sent a message to the first guy. There was no answer at all from the third guy.

  “I see that you love cats. Do you own some?”

  “Yeah. I have five cats.”

  “Five?!”

  “Yeah. Call me crazy, but I really love cats.”

  “I had a fish once, and it was so hard. I’m just not good with pets.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m lazy and irresponsible when it comes to animals. Give me kids any time, and I’m perfect. But pets? Nah.”

  “Kids? So, you’re good with kids?”

  “I’m a kindergarten teacher. And yeah, I’m very good with kids.”

  “That’s cute.”

  I received a message from the programmer. “So, what are you usually doing on Sundays?”

  “Wasting time.”

  “That sounds interesting.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Maybe we can waste some time together.”

  My thumb hovered over my phone. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Texting him was fun, but I couldn’t get rid of the frustration. Deep down I knew that no guy would ever compare to Noah, and even if I gave this guy a chance, I could already feel it would be a waste of time.

  I cursed Noah for making things this difficult for me. It wasn’t fair at all.

  “Maybe not,” I texted him.

  I bit into my lip, feeling bad for the guy. The bearded guy texted me again, but I wasn’t in the mood for texting anymore. Everything seemed pale compared to the guy I needed to forget but couldn’t.

  “I’m sorry, but I have to go now. Have a nice day!” I texted him and logged out, feeling like I was going around in circles. Maybe it would be best for me to just go to sleep and wake up tomorrow, because this way I was just going to drive myself crazy thinking about that traitor Noah.

  I put my phone away and went under the covers, hoping the sleep wouldn’t elude me and I would be able to sleep Sunday away.

  Chapter 18

  Noah

  The music didn’t help, and I couldn’t sleep a wink. I knew that my anger probably had to do with not being around Emma, but I knew that by being with her it would only be worse for her in the end.

  But as much as I reasoned with myself, the anger persisted, and I couldn’t stay in my place anymore. I had to go out.

  Deciding on a whim to call Jake and go out with him, I turned on my phone. I was immediately greeted with messages and missed calls, but I was interested in only one missed call, and that was Emma’s. She called me a while ago, like I had predicted.

  I just stared at her name on my screen, wondering how the hell I had messed it up so badly that I even gave her my phone number. I ran my hand over my face, too tempted to actually call her.

  No. I had to snap out of this. I ignored all messages and missed calls but Jake’s and texted him back. He wanted to know what happened last night, and I told him that I would talk with him about it over a few beers. Maybe talking with him could help me solve what was troubling me. After all, two heads were better than one.

  An hour later, we sat in a bar and ordered our dinks. The music wasn’t loud so we could talk.

  “That girl last night… That was Emma, right?” he asked me.

  “Yes.”

  “Wow. I can’t believe it. She looks a bit different, so I haven’t recognized her… But I thought you two weren’t in good terms.”

  “We are not.”

  “Then what was all of that about?” he asked, referring to the last night’s incident.

  I let out a long sigh, deciding to tell him the whole truth. “I’m afraid it’s a long story.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I have time.”

  “I don’t know if you know much about our breakup, but it happened several months after I left for the army.”

  “Mhm. I know something because my sister is a friend of one of Emma’s friends. You know how quickly gossip can spread around. I heard that she wrote to you but you didn’t write back at all.”

  “That’s true. I stopped our communication after I joined the army.”

  “Why?”

  I sighed again. “Because I was changing. Jake, man…” I shook my head. “The life in the army isn’t all sunshine and roses. It’s even worse than what we usually hear about, and it caught up with me pretty fast. You know that my father was a soldier too, but even that didn’t prepare me for the fact that I would have to look death in the eyes almost every single day.”

  His eyebrows furrowed, an expression of sympathy showing on his face. “I’m so sorry, man. I had no clue. I thought that it gets easier in time.”

  “And it gets… But in the process, you lose yourself. You stop caring about people and you become a machine because that is the only way you’re able to go through everyday pain and loss. At the same time, it’s traumatic, and before you know it, it leaves scars deep in you.”

  He remained silent, letting me pour out my deepest feelings and thoughts.

  “So, I started changing for the worse, becoming a danger to the people around me, and I knew I couldn’t expose Emma to the new me. I didn’t want her involved into the mess that my life has become.”

  “So, is that why you broke up?”

  “Yes. But knowing what the best for her was didn’t mean I got to move on easily. For years, I couldn’t forget about her, but I returned home determined to continue living my life the best I could, without her in it, of course.”

  “Then last night happened?”

  “Then last night happened. I couldn’t even count on the possibility that Emma could be in that bar too, and it was too much. I was instantly overwhelmed and reminded of how much she meant to me. How much I still care about her.”

  “But she was with talking with that guy,” he spurred me on.

  “Yeah. And I completely lost it. I was so jealous that I couldn’t think reasonably anymore. I went there with the intention to get her to talk with me, even if I had to hurt the guy in the process.”

  I took a sip of my beer and closed my eyes for a couple of moments, willing my rising anger away.

  “But then I saw fear in her eyes, and I knew I couldn’t scare her away. Because hurting that guy would definitely scare her away, and I wouldn’t have any chances of being with her again.”

  “So, you want to be with her again?”

  “I wanted too. Last night. For a few hours, I let myself forget how dangerous I was. I let myself believe we could manage to work everything out.”

  “I sense one big ‘but’ in that one.”

  “You’re right. There is a big ‘but’. Everything was perfect. I was so sure we would get back together, but last night I had a nightmare in which I accidentally hurt Emma, which reminded me that I was a monster who should be far away from her. So, I acted like a shithead again because I left her this morning without any explanation. I can only imagine what she thinks of me now, and it would be for a very good reason.”

  Jake tsked. “Damn, bro. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  “Hard on myself? That’s the truth, Jake. If you’ve seen all the things I’m capable of, you wouldn’t be saying that.”

  “I know, but your past is in the past. And you were in the army. Of course, you had to be ready to do many things to protect your country! But you know what is also important? You’re aware of those bad things, so you can work on solving them.”

  “I’m working on solving my issues
. I’m trying my hardest every day.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “The problem is that it’s not enough. I can never know when I’d get angry so much that I wouldn’t be able to control it at all. In that case, I could hurt anyone, even Emma, and I can’t let that happen ever.”

  He rubbed his chin, tilting his head to the side. “I feel that you’re making a big thing out of this ‘protecting Emma from me’ situation.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean that maybe Emma is the solution to your problems. Shit, man, based on your story, I can see that you two still love each very much and want to be together, so maybe you can feel better if you have Emma next to you.”

  “You think that my anger would lessen or be easily controlled with her next to me?”

  “Exactly. Of course, you would feel alone, depressed, or angry when you’re alone like this, but if you have the person you love next to you, I’m sure you’ll feel much, much better. So instead of pushing Emma away, give it a shot. Try it for both of your sakes.”

  “But I can hurt her—”

  “You don’t know that. You’re so sure that you will hurt her in one way or another, but how can you actually know that? What if you never hurt her? You have to consider that possibility too. So, don’t lose something precious just because you’re too scared. Because you know that you’re acting like a coward now, right? You’re acting like a coward and a douchebag because that girl cares about you, and you’re just going to cut her out of your life with no explanation at all again, and she doesn’t deserve that.”

  I was rendered speechless, realizing just how right he was and how wrong I had been all this time. He was right. I had thought I was protecting Emma, but I was only acting like a selfish coward instead. I was calling all the shots, but that wasn’t fair to Emma at all. She also had a say in this, and I shouldn’t exclude her from my life without at least giving her an explanation.