If Only

by Daya Daniels

  There were so many questions going through my mind but this was always his way. If I was ever upset, and he couldn’t ignore me, he would fix the problem with sex. This wasn’t intimacy, not the kind I wanted anyway. This was sex and it felt fucking good but I needed more from him. I needed Christian to see me, to understand me and to respect me.

  I wrapped my hands around his neck and in one thrust, he was deep inside me.

  Mia

  I couldn’t sleep. I awoke at some strange hour, staring at the ceiling. The doorbell rang. I threw on a robe and walked towards the door, feeling my heart rate pick up.

  As soon as I opened the door, warm lips touched my own. Penelope’s tongue tangled with mine as she forced me against the wall. I wrapped my hands into her hair, and clutched the nape of her neck, pressing her tongue into submission.

  “I thought you would never get rid of that two-timing slut.” Penelope said.

  I chuckled as Penelope kissed me again.

  Penelope and I’d been friends since college. She now worked for the district attorney offices on some of the most difficult cases I’d ever heard of. She wasn’t the relationship type but she loved sex and so did I. Usually, when Lauren and I weren’t together, she and I would have sex occasionally. I called her earlier in the evening when I couldn’t sleep, wanting to fuck.

  Penelope’s kisses grew feverish as she squeezed and kneaded my breasts through my slip, pressing her body against mine. She was elegant tall and slim with olive colored skin and long dark hair.

  She had a long list of women she could pick from to fuck, I was certain but tonight, she picked me.

  We stood at the foot of my bed. I tried to push all thoughts of Lauren aside and focus on the sexy Latina in front of me. The beautiful woman removed her trench coat seductively, revealing a black lace bra, panties and garter belt and a huge cock, attached to the strap-on secured to her body. I smiled, knowing that she always did know how to please me.

  I slid up to the center of the bed and removed my shirt, watching Penelope crawl up towards me. She placed a soft kiss on my lips. I could smell the sweet scent of her hair and feel the soft long strands as they brushed along my skin. I slipped the straps of her bra off her shoulder, taking in the sight of her full breasts that were delectable. I kissed and suckled her nipples until she was moaning in the quiet space.

  “You’re so beautiful, Mia.” She whispered, looking at me with her big brown eyes.

  They were the words I needed to hear so badly.

  I rubbed my clit and parted my legs, allowing Penelope’s tongue to settle there, licking me hungrily. Then she dipped low, resting her full weight on me, pushing the dildo into my pussy. I moaned at the sensation. Then Penelope moved. She kissed me with each hard stroke she made, forcing desperate cries from my mouth. She pounded harder into me and my pussy began to throb around the cock, that was stretching me wide.

  “You always did love this.” Penelope whispered into my neck, as she licked along my sensitive skin.

  I let out a loud gasp as my legs quivered, then the most intense climax took over my body. I dug my fingers into Penelope’s sides as she moved harder against me. I laid there sated while Penelope unstrapped the dildo and pressed her pussy to my face, holding onto the headboard in front of her. I wrapped my hands around her ass, feeling the smooth skin and squeezing her cheeks, giving the left one a hard slap.

  Penelope hissed when I did it again. I kissed her pussy, licking along the seams of her flesh, tasting her juices. The insides of her thighs smelled like expensive perfume. I reached up squeezing her breasts and teasing her nipples that were already hard peaks with my fingers. She moaned as I did it over and over, biting her lip looking down at me. She touched my hair and whispered “pretty” again.

  She rocked her wet pussy on my face as I sucked and fluttered my tongue over her clit hard. She came letting out a long guttural groan that had me begging for more.

  Mia

  ‘You’re everything to me. You’re kind and perfect. You are forgiving. You’re everything I wish I could be. Love, Lauren. Xoxo’

  “Bullshit.” I muttered to myself.

  I tossed the card in the trash, along with every other keepsake that Lauren had given me since we were teenagers.

  Connor called it drastic. I called it doing what needed to be done. I needed to cleanse my house, my life of Lauren permanently. If I could’ve set the trash can on fire, I would have done it. I don’t know what that said about my mental state but that’s how I felt. There needed to be not one trace of her here and the sooner I did it, the better.

  All my life, all I wanted to do was be with her. I was so fucking desperate and pathetic. The more Lauren realized how deep I was in love with her, the more often she manipulated me, used me, lied to me. I wouldn’t waste any more tears on Lauren. I already looked like shit for crying most of last night and this morning.

  Love made people fools but the truth was, if you didn’t do foolish things for the person you loved, you weren’t in love...

  I wouldn’t let my mind settle into defeat. Everything I gave Lauren, I gave from my heart and I wasn’t wrong for giving it. I was just giving it to the wrong person. I knew that everything with us was only temporary but I forced it, hoping maybe if I pushed hard enough, her feelings for me would stick, they would grow to be much more but it never happened.

  I didn’t trust her, never could. I hoped I could. It was a funny thing, trust. It was more important than love or maybe even it’s equal. If someone trusted you implicitly, they loved you in some way.

  Lauren liked both men and women. I didn’t have a problem with it as long as she didn’t cheat on me with either. For years, she was afraid to even acknowledge to the world that she was bisexual. The very word scared the shit out of her but that was who she was. After thirty-five years, she was still hiding who she was and it frustrated me. Nothing could make her be honest with herself. Not even her so-called love for me.

  I went through a few more cards, reading the words and flicking them into the kitchen trash, that was already piled high. I debated opening a bottle of wine but I knew that would only make me feel more miserable, once the effects wore off.

  The phone rang loudly, jolting me out of my daze.

  It was Rae, who was a mutual friend of Lauren and I’s but she was mostly mine.

  “What’s up lesbian?”

  I giggled before taking a deep breath. Rae always had a way of trying to cheer me up using the most bizarre approach.

  “Hi.” I replied.

  “Are you okay? Do you need me to come over?”

  “No.” I said in a weak voice, making another defeated sigh. “I’m just cleaning up.”

  Rae giggled. “Tossing out everything, huh?”

  “Yep.” I said.

  “Good girl.”

  Rae and I went to law school together. She was one of the biggest, out there lesbians I think I knew. Rae was short for Raymanda, as she preferred to be called now, replacing the y with an e. I think she thought that made the name look more foreign, I don’t know.

  Rae was a criminal attorney and always won most of her cases. I was tough but Rae was tough. Like if you meet her on the street corner in bad way, be ready for brawl kind of tough and she was smart. Not too many people messed with her, even the dangerous criminals that she represented at times, seemed to be afraid of her.

  “You will be okay Mia, you know that.”

  “Yeah, I hope.”

  “We should do lunch sometime. Is this week a bad week?” She asked. “I don’t want you to become a couch potato over this.”

  I laughed. “I will try not to but it is tempting.”

  “It’s not you.” Rae said. “Plus, you’ve broken up with this bimbo like a hundred times since I’ve known you. You should be like a rock by now, Mia.”

  I chuckled again. “Very true but it still hurts.”

  “I know, honey.” Rae said in a soft voice. “I wish I could hug you but I’m actually a
bout to board a flight to Panama.”

  I sat up straighter.

  “Yeah, that’s kind of what I was calling to tell you but I didn’t want my drama to overshadow yours.”

  “No, no don’t worry about that.”

  “Yeah, my dad is sick but I will be back in like three days. Just in time for us to have lunch.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I hope he’s okay.”

  Airport announcements blared in the background of her voice.

  “Yeah, I hope so too.” She said sounding distracted.

  “I should go. I love you Mia and I’m here for you. You will survive this. You always do.”

  “Thanks.” I said before the other line went dead and I hung up.

  I stood from the kitchen and made my way over to the sofa. I grabbed a blanket and pulled it on top of me. Butterscotch whimpered at my feet. I picked her up and kissed her. It seemed we were both missing someone.

  “It will be okay. I’m sorry your mommy is such an asshole.” I mumbled in her furry ear.

  Butterscotch’s big glassy eyes looked up at me as if she was asking me, “Really?”

  I laughed and made myself comfortable on the sofa…my new bed.

  Scarlett

  Christian was in the back garden.

  It was where I planted vegetables and some annual perennials that made the area come alive with color even in the winter. It was a hobby of mine that took a lot of patience and care. We always had fresh vegetables and herbs to cook with for dinner, which he seemed to appreciate. The two us usually worked in the garden together on the weekends, topping up the soil and pulling weeds.

  Standing near the stairs, across the room I looked ahead, tightening my robe against the cool air. One side of the louvered doors was pulled to, leaving just a small slit in it, allowing Christian’s muffled voice to be heard.

  I wrapped my robe tighter as I moved to stand closer to the door. The house was quiet. It was five in the morning, maybe an hour or so from sunrise.

  “Well, get rid of it.” He hissed.

  I halted my footsteps at the anger I recognized in his voice.

  “It was never like that. This is all you. You did this on purpose.”

  Christian always had early morning phone calls with Reis, his business partner who headed up the expansion of the accounting firm. Reis was the husband of my good friend Gabriella. The two men were always at it.

  “You wouldn’t dare. Leave her out of this. I would fucking ki-.”

  I shifted uncomfortably where I stood.

  “Do you think this is a game? This is my li -.”

  He was clearly having an argument with someone. Leave who out of this?

  “Fuck.” He hissed, gripping the phone tightly as he held it by his side, staring out into the distance.

  He was dressed as though he’d already been to the gym.

  “Christian.” I said and watched him stiffen.

  He spun around and gave me a smile. Then stepped back inside. “I didn’t realize you were up.”

  “Who was that?”

  He took a deep breath and shook his head. “Reis.”

  “That’s what I thought. Are you okay?”

  He moaned and then let his eyes linger on me. “It’s just so much going on at the firm. I’m being pulled every which way, Scar. I don’t know. These next few weeks will be crazy with the new acquisition.”

  “Another?”

  “Yes.” He said. “We made a good offer on the auditing division of a smaller company and they are close to accepting. We just have some minor issues to sort through.”

  “Okay. I guess that is good.”

  He kissed me and pulled my head to his chest. His heart was beating frantically. I pulled away from him and looked up into his green eyes.

  I could always read him but this morning was different. He seemed distracted, withdrawn and distant even though he was talkative.

  He rested his chin on the top of my head, rocking us from side to side.

  “Do you want some breakfast?”

  “Not yet.” He said sounding exasperated. “I’m going to go for a run.”

  “I will go back to bed then. It’s super early.”

  “Okay.” He said, letting my fingers slowly slide of out of his.

  “Christian.” I said.

  He stopped and placed his hand against the doorframe keeping his back to me.

  “Never mind.” I said.

  He walked off again.

  Bugsy rubbed himself against my legs, nudging me to pick him up.

  Mia

  It was Sunday.

  The movers just left. I had a new queen-sized sleigh bed that they delivered on a weekend afternoon for an extra fee.

  Connor strolled around my apartment, sipping from the paper cup in his hand. “She had the nerve to leave her fucking dog.” He mumbled as he scratched Butterscotch’s head.

  I sighed.

  He followed me to the bedroom, plopping down on the bed. “Have you spoken to her?”

  “No.”

  He looked at me skeptically, cocking his head to the side.

  “I swear, I haven’t.”

  “I can tell you’ve been crying, Mia.” Connor said.

  Butterscotch and I spent most of yesterday evening parked on the sofa, while I shoveled a pint of rocky road Ben & Jerry’s ice cream into my mouth, while we watched endless Lost reruns.

  I sat down on the bed next to him and wept. “What is wrong with me?” I babbled out, wiping my tears.

  In the last few days, the reality of the breakup seemed to finally be sinking in. I felt bad but I knew to end it was the right decision.

  “Nothing, you’re just in love with someone that’s no good for you. I think we have all been there Mia just, that this situation has lasted too long.”

  Connor put his hand on my shoulder pulling me into his chest. “I don’t want this destroy you. You’re too good a person.”

  I nodded and wiped my reddened eyes. “I won’t.” That I vowed to myself.

  As much as Connor wanted to say the words, he didn’t. I didn’t want to hear them. I couldn’t bear the thought of hearing, “I told you so,” come out of his mouth.

  I was already aware that this wasn’t the first time Lauren cheated on me. She cheated on me numerous times with men and women. I’d caught her in the act more times than I could count. I was certain she hadn’t told me about all the lurid encounters she’d had during the time we were together. I don’t think I needed to know. That is, if we actually were in a relationship. Lauren never told anyone about us.

  “How is the in vitro going?”

  I laughed. “There is no point to it now, Connor.”

  Connor shut his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  I wanted to have a family. Lauren agreed she wanted it too. I found Dr. Stuart after researching and meeting with a few doctors in the Chicago area. He was my top pick and had many success stories and satisfied clients. We’d been working with him for a year already and after finding a suitable sperm donor, we began the tedious process of doctor’s visits and expensive testing.

  In vitro is a one assisted reproductive technology, better known as IVF. It is the process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish and then transferring the embryo to the uterus. The success rates ranged from 40.1% per embryo transfer, leading to a live birth for patients under thirty years, to 8.5% per embryo transfer leading to live birth for patients over forty years. After three transfers, I still had no success in getting pregnant. I was prepared to give up, especially now. Everything was ruined.

  Scarlett

  Christian placed a kiss on my cheek and slid a leather folder towards me. The restaurant we sat in this afternoon was called Gibson’s Bar & Steakhouse. It was one of his favorite places on North Rush Street. As cold as it was today, still he wanted to get out of the house. I looked up at him, in question about what it was only to earn a wink from him.

  “Tickets.” He said firmly.
“To Tokyo.”

  “Ooh.” I said opening the envelope and flipping through the pages.

  “First class.”

  Christian hummed a yes. “I’d pay millions to see that smile, Scarlett.”

  I picked up a French fry and bit into it, tasting the salty deliciousness. The restaurant was busy but it seemed like we were the only two people in the place. The tickets were for two weeks from now. I don’t think I could’ve been more excited about this trip away with him. It would be the vacation of a lifetime.

  “Fifteen years.” I mumbled.

  I wanted to say fifteen years and still no children but why bother. It would only anger him and ruin our lunch. I would take it for what it was and appreciate the chance to get away to a foreign country.

  “Where are we staying?”

  “At the Park Hyatt.” Christian said taking a sip of wine. “It has a view of Mount Fuji, I’m told.”

  I smiled again.

  Christian took my hand across the table and kissed it. I loved when he pampered me. Across the room, I noticed the waitress carefully observing the romantic gesture. He was always able to get attention from women. There were the waitresses, the stewardesses, our realtor, the grocery store clerks, the women at his job who gawked at him. There was no shortage of women who wanted him, wanted to be under him. In the beginning, it used to bother me. It probably still does but I guess a little jealousy is healthy. He was a good-looking guy. He had a hot body and a gorgeous, panty melting smile. To even deny that Christian wasn’t one of the mass produced would be foolish on my part. I knew who I married. The man was one of a kind.

  He cut into his strip steak, the same time I did my own and then he gave me that look. I licked my lips watching him across the table and then giggled, feeling like a teenage girl with a crush. He bit his lip and looked at me with hooded eyes before we both laughed. He was flirting with me, in public. It was sexy and I couldn’t get enough of it.