The Trouble with Polly Brown

by Tricia Bennett

  “Oh, Boritz, my most magnificent star of the universe, you really do have such a perfectly wicked sense of humor,” Mildred stated as she failed hopelessly to stifle an unexpectedly girlish giggle.

  “Thank you, dearest. Now allow me the grace to continue. As for Sundays, the majority of the morning is usually taken up with getting ready for and then attending church. So I will take it upon myself to ask dear Father Constantinople to obligingly extend his already ridiculously overextended Bible readings, followed by an extra lengthy sermon. This will indeed go a long way to keeping their tender bottoms stuck to the wooden pews, and therefore out of trouble, until well into the afternoon. Once home from church, the ladies will be on standby to feed the little mites a small but satisfying lunchtime sandwich.”

  “Wonderful. Simply wonderful!” Mildred gleefully cried.

  “Then with lunch over, they can once again all be plonked down in front of the television until teatime, when baked beans on toast, washed down with a milky cup of tea, will be served up at precisely 6:00 p.m. So before you can say, ‘Bob’s your uncle,’ it will be time for bed and then up for school on Monday morning. How does all this sit with you, Mildred dearest?”

  “Oh, my darling, you are indeed the brightest spangled star in the cosmos, for you, my wonderful dearest one, certainly think up an answer for everything,” Mildred gasped as her upper lip involuntary curled upward into an extremely large smile. This was indeed a feat so radical that it was both hard and odd for her usually very downtrodden facial features to respond, as they were now using muscles that had rarely been called upon in the past.

  “And as for the older children, we all know they are extraordinarily easy to bargain with,” he sniffed, his brow holding a permanent furrowed state as he continued on with his attempts to work things out. “If they are promised that they will be allowed to stay up and watch some highly unsuitable and frightfully gory film undisturbed, helped on only by a succession of highly desirable snack treats, well then, they will cheerfully volunteer their services in helping get the younger children up the stairs and into bed as fast as you can say, ‘Jack Robinson.’ So, Mildred, my precious little petal, how am I doing so far?”

  “You, my sweet jewel of the Nile, are doing rather splendidly,” Mildred perkily encouraged.

  Boritz instantaneously began to glow from ear to ear.

  “So you see, Mildred dearest, with a bit of proper organization and the help of our old cleaning ladies, this venture is back on the table, as once again it becomes most viable.”

  Mildred began to clap her hands as an expression of her overwhelming feelings of joy, but then suddenly and without notice she once more stopped in her tracks, the elusive radiant smile slowly ebbing from her face until like the flame of a candle it was entirely snuffed out.

  “Boritz, that’s all well and good,” Mildred sniffed as her overturned smile turned to a deep frown of great concern. She began to shake her head in pure disbelief, biting down on her trembling bottom lip at the same time. “Oh, Boritz dear, captain of my heart, this is positively ghastly; however, I feel you have failed to remember one very and most important factor—that it has only been a few months since you, dearest one, chose to dismiss not one but both ladies from our good service. And if you care to cast your mind back to that historic moment in time, you might well remember that both ladies were quite shocked and distraught to be dismissed from their humble posts with no formal notice whatsoever! So you see, dearest, we—or rather, you— were not exactly bountiful toward either party.”

  “Goodness gracious me! This most grievous situation had entirely slipped my memory,” he mournfully gasped.

  “Perhaps it is also good to also remember that we gave them no financial compensation whatsoever.”

  “Oh, good grief,” was all Boritz was capable of muttering as sadly he realized that for once his beloved really did have a point of concern.

  With her conniving husband surprisingly clean out of words, Mildred took this as a most excellent opportunity to stand in the gap and use his convenient lack of dialogue to continue her own monologue, much to his utter annoyance.

  “Yes, Boritz dear. Normal practice would have required us to give at least a week, if not a whole month’s notice—indeed, time enough to allow them both to seek out other employment. So taking all of this into consideration, why on earth would either lady ever consider helping us out in our time of need?” Mildred took it upon herself to ask, as she continued to search his face.

  “Enough! Shut it, dear!” he abrasively demanded. “Your constant and most pedantic drones are indeed most tiresome. I need time alone to think, and your unworthy, pitiful babblings are not only very unhelpful, but they will indeed drive me to the edge of a high precipice if you do not hold in abeyance that over-exercised muscle contained in your facial orifice,” he reminded in a most unpleasant, scornful tone of voice.

  “You mean my tongue, dearest, don’t you?” she sniffed, yet again feeling most hurt and offended.

  A lengthy “hmm” was all that Boritz cared to comment regarding his latest mean and harsh communication toward his ever dutiful wife.

  Even so, Mildred was right. He therefore secretly wished that in hindsight he had shown both ladies his more charitable side, but back then how was he to know that there would come a time when the tables would be turned, and he would need some charity shown him as he stooped as low as he felt capable to ask these lesser mortals for their help?

  “Oh, dear Boritz, at the end of the day one is inclined to feel most tired and distraught, as one is left to debate as to whether there is really an acceptable solution to this fresh and most wearisome problem,” she reassured in little more than a whisper.

  Boritz was deep in thought and was therefore in no hurry to give her the immediate response that she required.

  Mildred, having once more found her tongue, took his failure to reply as an excuse to continue on with yet more thought-provoking concerns that out of nowhere had just popped into her mind. “My very precious star of the universe, you must surely agree that the likelihood that one, if not both, women will by now have found themselves new positions remains well within the bounds of possibility. As both women have large families of their own to provide for, one might well imagine that they will have been forced to accept any position offered to them, if only out of sheer desperation and necessity. If this turns out to be the case, they would surely be most unwilling to turn their backs on their new employers to come back here and work for the mere pittance we considered ourselves so generous to bestow on them,” she hastily reminded him.

  Boritz appeared to give careful consideration to all that Mildred had to say, but then, to stop her rabbiting on any further, for it was giving him an almighty headache, he finally decided to take over.

  “Well, my dearest, forgive me if I beg to differ, but I have it on the highest authority that since leaving the castle, neither lady has had the remotest piece of luck in finding any suitable employment. I am therefore more than confident that once I present our current situation to the dear ladies, they will, I believe, jump at the opportunity and even consider themselves most fortunate to find themselves once more in the employment of our good selves, even if it is only for the duration of our holiday. I will, of course, encourage them further by offering both ladies the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of being in receipt of an excellent reference that will most certainly help them find other reasonable employment at some future date.”

  “Well, Boritz, if all this turns out to be true, then this is indeed wonderful news, for it must surely mean that both ladies will by now be in most urgent need of money. But dare I take this opportunity to ask how come you, my dear, are so up-to-date on such matters?”

  “Because, my dearest, I make it a top priority to keep abreast of such things, and as every potential new employer contacts me asking for a written personal reference as to the credibility and worthiness of those lesser creatures that we have in the past employed,
well then, my dear, I leave the rest for you to work out in your little, and often somewhat confused, head.”

  “Oh, Boritz, commander of our solar system and beyond, you, my dear, are such an overwhelmingly powerful man. What would I do, and where would I be without you at the helm?”

  “And the rudder,” Boritz whispered under his breath.

  “Precisely, my dear! Now come along and let us head for the stairs and bed, as I, for one, am in urgent need of some serious shut-eye.”

  “Yes, dear.”

  “Tomorrow morning when I arise from my blissful slumber, I will purpose to make all essential phone calls, leaving you to content yourself with the more trivial things of life, such as packing the suitcase with the odd pair of underpants, toothbrush, razor, and all other essential paraphernalia that are necessary if one is wanting to experience a successful holiday.”

  The next morning came far too soon for the children, who were all desperately overtired and groggy, with many of them still suffering the very unpleasant symptoms and side effects from their ice cream binge. This day would be replayed many times in the head of each demoralized child, as there was not one among them who did not pathetically drop to his or her knees and beg permission to be allowed the day off school, for they were all without fail still feeling terrible queasy. However, neither their pale, limp bodies nor their heartfelt, pitiful pleas fell on fertile ground when it came to the cold, stony heart of Aunt Mildred. No, it all fell on completely deaf ears, for Aunt Mildred was having none of it, as she systematically marched like a sergeant major on patrol through each dormitory shouting out her orders at the top of her lungs.

  “Wakey, wakey; rise and shine,” she shrieked in ridiculously high decibels before most unfeelingly stripping the bedclothes off each bed, thereby forcing each poor and bewildered occupant to get up, as without the protection of bedclothes they quickly began to shiver from the cold in the draughty, sparsely furnished dormitories.

  “Right, you messy, undisciplined bunch of wimps. You all have just five minutes to get dressed and make your beds. Failure to fulfill this task within the allotted time will spell immeasurable trouble. Do I make myself clear?” she yelled.

  “Yes, Aunt Mildred,” they stuttered as, shivering violently, they jumped up and down in a vain effort to keep warm.

  Even poor Bertha Banoffee, who had spent the whole night lying on the cold flagstone floor of the kitchen, was shown no extra mercy, as she was ordered to get up from the floor and make haste to get washed and changed into her spare school uniform.

  That ghastly morning all the children were impossibly slow as they dragged their sickened, fragile torsos in the general direction of the bathroom. So it came as no surprise that there was no time whatsoever for any child to sit down and even half fill his or her tummy with any nourishment that might aid them through the lengthy school day. By the time every child had made it to the bathroom there were only minutes left to make a dash for the bus stop to catch the school bus.

  However, if the truth be told, not one of the feeble, bleary-eyed children had the slightest desire to sit in front of the normal bowl of stale cereal, making the usual eye contact with the ridiculously lively silverfish, who thought nothing of flaunting themselves as they cheekily wriggled to and fro in the lukewarm, thick, lumpy-powdered milk.

  Having made their weary way to the bottom of the stairs, the poor children showed not an atom of resistance, as they were then frogmarched to the front door by a very militant Aunt Mildred, who administered the usual threats by grabbing hold of an ear or two to dutifully remind each child of what possibly could befall them, should they dare miss the school bus.

  Boritz, for once, also took a responsible parental position and stood by Mildred to wave the children off. Never one to miss an opportunity, he used the occasion to warn each and every poorly child to expect a family meeting to take place on their return from school.

  With the children now out of the way, Mildred happily busied herself emptying out drawer after drawer as she scratched around for suitably classy clothing, as well as a swimming costume or two to pack for her impending holiday.

  Boritz, in the meantime, set about making those urgent phone calls that were necessary if their trip was to go ahead as planned. Happily for Boritz, both ladies were, as he had so rightly stated, available to help out. Mrs. Gloria Gumball said she would go immediately and pack a suitcase and be at the castle as soon as she was required, and dear Gertrude Grimespot even volunteered the help of her younger sister, Hilda, who had traveled many miles to stay for an extended period of time with Gerty and the rest of her close-knit family.

  Boritz then found himself with the embarrassing task of having to cancel the previously arranged round of golf with his dear friend and headmaster Edwood Batty, as well as his close friend, good old Dr. Glumchops. He knew they would completely understand and appreciate his explanation for canceling, especially when they heard that he had little choice as the trip was a matter of great urgency, and so he asked both friends to show charitable forgiveness toward dear Mildred, as well as his good self.

  Also canceled was their pre-planned supper date at the Toad in the Hole. “Tell dear Agnes we will organize another date on our return, and likewise we will be contacting Egor and Ethel to inform them that the supper date is temporarily postponed,” Boritz politely informed Edwood Batty.

  Now all that was left to do was prepare a suitably hard-hitting sermon for the family meeting, which was to take place as soon as all the children returned from school. As he sat back in his chair in his dismal and abysmally untidy study, he considered that this meeting must essentially differ from all previous meetings, inasmuch as it must not take place in his study but elsewhere. This small change of plan would naturally have the children feeling very emotionally susceptible, for he knew that familiarity was extremely important to the insecure little urchins, and on this particular occasion he really believed he needed them to be feeling uncertain, queasy, and hopefully a little bit afraid. If this were to be the case, then it was absolutely necessary for him to challenge and overthrow their much-needed regular routine.

  “Pattern, power. Nothing familiar. Nothing familiar. Pattern, power,” he chanted over and over under his breath.

  Without warning Boritz suddenly broke into a large, wicked smile as he came to believe that he had thought of the perfect place to hold this very special family meeting, and this was under the castle in the forbidden tunnel.

  Chapter Thirteen

  THE FORBIDDEN TUNNEL

  THE REASON THIS particular tunnel was forbidden had precious little to do with ghouls, ghosts, bloodstained walls, dismembered bodies, and those sort of unspeakably ghastly things that bring untold amounts of terror to the core of most normal, levelheaded people. Simply, this underground tunnel or cellar held a lot of precious and very expensive tools that Boritz used as he busied himself with all his latest money-spinning ventures.

  Boritz was, of course, well aware that in years gone by this tunnel might well have been used more as a prison dungeon, for its stone walls still contained suspicious-looking lumps of metal that presumably in past history had been used to chain up vile, monstrous criminals and insurgents of the king; but that was all in the past. Its present usage was more that of an underground bunker where Boritz worked on all sorts of crazy, half-baked schemes that in his egomaniacal mind he hoped might one day make him immensely rich, as well as famous.

  His latest and most challenging invention to date was to design a trendy new box in which to bury the deceased. Now, these were no ordinary coffins but part of an ongoing project that Boritz had been working on for some time now. He regularly admitted to himself that this was his most exciting project to date, which, given time, would surely fill his coffers to overflowing and, in doing so, would rightfully make him his well-deserved millions. He believed that his idea of sweet-smelling coffins that decomposed along with the odiously rotting corpse would, given a reasonable amount of time, become mos
t desirable, if not highly fashionable.

  He reasoned that in the not-too-distant future there would indeed come a day when burial grounds would be so full to overflowing there would no longer be any space left in which to bury the freshly departed. Take, for instance, his very own deceased relatives Aunt Quantaloop, as well as dear Uncle Stickleberry. Both were sadly stacked up, box upon box, at some beastly, overcrowded church graveyard in London, and these were to name but a few of his dearly beloved departed friends and relatives. It was clearly a very distressing situation, which over a matter of time would only get much worse—that is, until the problem was properly and officially confronted.

  It was also true to say that the problem of overcrowded graveyards had been the subject of great debate on a recent television documentary, and so Boritz thought he’d get in first; hence the first ever heavenly scented and biodegradable coffins.

  The reason the children were going to be ordered down into the tunnel after school that day had little to do with him wishing to give the children a little peek at handcrafted coffins and thereby confirm their admiration toward his perfectionist skills; but simply, these coffins would serve him well when it came to getting them all to see things quickly from his perspective. After all, he considered that a modicum of fear in each child’s tender heart was surely very healthy. It kept them alert, it prevented general unruliness, and it made them God fearing—and this was indeed very necessary if he alone was to lead the way in preserving good old-fashioned values, as well as continue to uphold discipline in the castle.