“But, what? Wait, I think it’s saying something to me right now!” I put my index fingers up to each of my temples and closed my eyes. “It’s asking me a question!”
“What! What is it?” Randy begged.
I spoke slowly. “It’s asking. It’s saying Randy! Randy!”
“Yes? Yes? I’m right here. What is it?”
“Randy, why? Why would you wear a grotesque salmon ascot with that horrid leisure suit? Why?” I couldn’t help myself from laughing.
Gertie started laughing with me. “Oh, Oh. I hear it too! It’s saying. Randy! Randy! Take that suit back to the cemetery and put it back on Liberace’s corpse.”
“Ha! Good one Gertie. The Liberace reference may be lost on some people because it is quite dated, but good one none the less.”
“Sorry. I have a lot of pop culture to catch up on. Say, whatever happened to Michael Jackson’s chimpanzee? I just read that he had one, but now I don’t know since—well, since he’s gone. I hope they didn’t put him to sleep too.”
Randy and I just stared. How do you respond to that?
“Wait! I didn’t mean for that to sound wrong. I meant, oh never mind.”
Randy was still wounded over the ascot joke. “Okay, have your laughs, snarky little witches. But, I’m going to be the one to bring the ascot back!”
“I sure as hell hope so. Because I’m not returning that thing for you.” I snorted.
“Smartasses! All of you! Just like Kelly and Lindsey. But I still love you. And Gertie, please, no more chimpanzees at the plantation? I’m having Planet of the Apes nightmares already.”
Chapter Nine
Gathering the Coven
“Seriously, do you think we should worry about this? I would like to know more, but maybe it is just a mere coincidence. If you think about it, the population of witches must be relatively small. I bet there are more pictures out there, of this desk and other magical objects.” An idea came to mind. “Are you guys going back to the castle anytime soon? Maybe I could go along and we could just ask Elspeth about the picture.”
“We are going back. Just as soon as we come up with some sketches and some samples to present to her. I’m guessing that I could have it ready in two weeks. That is, if Gertie can whip up a little magic here and there if I need it.”
“No problem, Randy. But, Leigh, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go there. What if—well, what if, that witch is, in fact, the one behind this? And it’s all part of her plan to draw you there? I just don’t know. Remember the witches union. They told us that your literary magic was quite rare and plenty of people seem to have an interest in it.”
Gertie had a point. I wasn’t in any hurry to get myself trapped into writing magic spells from the dungeon of some creepy Scottish castle. “I suppose you’re right. But I really want to know more about the desk now. If nothing else, it has a much longer history than I thought. Anyway, Hunter is finishing up his police training in a week! I am so excited. We are going away for a few days. Just the two of us.”
Gertie gave me a big hug, and then Randy did too. “That’s so exciting, and romantic! I just know that you two will be great together. I can just feel it.” Gertie’s genuine happiness for me was so refreshing. Sometimes you tell people some really exciting news. The kind of news that is the biggest thing in your life at the moment, and then they say those kinds of nice things back to you, but they only say it to be polite. Not Gertie. No, she meant every word of it. Curiously enough, Luna sat up and let out a single meow.
“So, where’s your big stud whisking you off to? Maybe the Outer Banks? Perhaps a bed and breakfast in New England?” Randy said and then gave me a wink.
“Um. No, I think it’s something a little more rustic. You know. Kind of outdoorsy, like him.”
“Oh sure. Let’s see. Outdoorsy.” He tapped the side of his head with a finger. “I’m betting Steamboat Springs, in Colorado?”
I shook my head.
“No? Hmm, Sun Valley, Idaho?” Randy suggested.
“A cruise down the Mississippi!” Gertie guessed.
“No, and no. Camping.”
Randy started to giggle.
“In a tent.”
Randy began to chuckle at that.
“In Minnesota.”
This must have cut something loose inside Randy’s brain. He actually roared with laughter as he doubled over and fell into my recliner. “Oh! Oh stop! Ho-ho! Ha-ha! Camping in a tent. You! Leigh Epstein. In Minne-Goddamn-sota. Oh! He has no idea. No idea whatsoever! That poor bastard. Oh sister! You have to call it off before you kill that boy.”
This was it. Randy had nailed it on the head. What was I thinking? Why in the hell did I agree to go camping? In fact, if given the choice, I’d sooner play hop scotch, locked in an enclosure full of rabid monkeys, while reruns of Walker Texas Ranger played in perpetuity.
But, that’s based on camping with The Family. The Family—as if I spent my childhood as an abductee in some cult. I need not go back and recount my childhood trauma. And that was in a cabin. This was going to be entirely different. For starters, it would be in a tent. A tent? Didn’t I realize what that meant? I will be miserable in a tent. I had thought about this, and images of old movies ran through my mind. Somewhere in a sweltering jungle, an explorer sweated with a fever as he languished under mosquito netting in a tent. Malaria, dysentery and malnutrition ravaged him and his comrades until they were mere ghosts of their former selves. That is how I pictured myself in a tent, in the woods of Minnesota.
I chalked it all up to a lack of experience and confidence. I mentally brushed myself off. I could do this. If it meant that much to Hunter, to share this experience with me, then of course I would do it. I resolved myself once again that I could still pull it off by openly declaring my courage. “Hey! Just because I hated those so called camping trips I went on as a kid—that does not mean that I can’t handle living in a tent for a few days. Who knows? I might really enjoy the great outdoors.”
“But, Leigh. Leigh, remember. Kelly and I went with you to Wisconsin that one summer. Whenever we went out by the campfire, you stood on top of a chair the whole time, with a lantern because you thought a spider would get you. And, you are afraid of the dark. It gets very dark in the deep woods where the only light is from the glowing bugs buzzing around you. Another thing, you practically died because you refused to use an outhouse toilet. How are you going to handle going behind some shrubs. Plus, I know how you are prone to—well—disasters. I just think that if you are out in the real wilderness, in a tent that is on the ground—where the spiders and snakes live, by the way—in the dark, you will go into a panic attack. Completely stark raving, mad. Who knows what you might do?”
And to think at one time, I actually had a thing for Randy. It sickened me that he brought up that summer. Now he was trampling all over my happiness. I must have looked like a little girl who just had her birthday party cancelled.
“Leigh. I’m sorry for laughing. I really am. But in all seriousness, you need to just tell Hunter that you aren’t really the camping type. You have to be honest. If you readily agreed, he probably thinks this is something you’re really into. Once he sees how miserable you are, he’s going to blame himself, because he won’t know that you never wanted to go camping to begin with. Just suggest something different, a little less survivalist. Then you can both have a good time.”
“I know, I know. Okay, I’ll admit it. I’ve considered faking a sprained ankle, or something. Only because I really am not all that fond of the thought that we will be traipsing around some spider infested, mosquito breeding ground. As for your opinion, it’s noted, but you’re basing it on something that happened when I was a lot younger. The great outdoors may not exactly be my thing. But, I really should at least try this. Don’t you think? I always tell my students to at least try a new activity or sport before they judge it. You make it seem like I’m some helpless boob. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. And a
nother thing, the very fact that you think that I’m the camping partner from hell, only makes me want to prove you wrong. You’ll see.”
Gertie cheered me on. “There you go! Don’t listen to Randy. You can do this. Just remember, if it looks like your about to get eaten by bears, don’t play dead. They will think you conveniently just saved them some time by not having to kill you. Oh, and don’t run, it excites them and that will likely make them more hungry. Don’t bother climbing a tree either, because they are excellent climbers.”
“Thanks, Gertie, That’s comforting. Any thoughts about what I should do if I happen to show up on some bear’s menu?”
“Sure. Take out your broom and fly the hell out of there.”
“Leigh, I’m not saying your incompetent. I’m just saying you’re out of your element in the wild. You’re a city chick, and you’re a master at surviving here, on your own. That says a lot. But, throw you out in the woods with the ick, the spiders, the creepy crawlies, and Gertie’s hungry bears…well, I think that requires an entirely different skill set. Sorry.”
It was time to get off the subject. “It’s okay. It’s just that this really is something I want to do with Hunter. So, who’s hungry? I’m thinking that we should order some food!”
“I was planning on getting together with Kelly for a bit, maybe she could come and join us. Lindsey too.”
Gertie had a big smile. “I got ahold of Brad today! He’s working tonight, but he’s free tomorrow. Is it all right if I stay here? And then he can come by here tomorrow to pick me up? I hate to impose. He will be visiting his sister tomorrow, just to drop off some building materials. He’s been helping her lately, with some remodeling in her condom. Anyway, she lives right in your neighborhood! Isn’t that a handy coincidence?”
“Wait, condom? Did you mean to say condo?”
“I’m not really sure. Maybe he did say condo. He said it was short for condominium. I still am not sure what that is. A house of sorts? What’s the difference?”
“Ugh. Gertie, I think we do need to have that modern girl talk we discussed. Especially if you’re going to be dating a hot fireman. Looks like another pizza night in my apartment. I’ll call Kelly and Lindsey, then we can share that story about the desk and the painting.”
Randy looked at Gertie and I in disbelief. “That’s a conversation that I’d just as soon not be around to listen to. Actually, I do need to make a phone call. I’ll go in the kitchen. Let me know if you can get ahold of Kelly.”
“You know, we can save them some time by just transporting them here with our brooms.” Gertie suggested.
“Really? Do you know how to do that?” I was surprised.
Gertie took out her little broom. “Here, let me show you.”
“Wait! I think we should at least call them and make sure they are ready.” I picked up my phone and made a call to Kelly.
“Hi, Kelly! Got any plans this evening? Gertie and Randy popped in here and we are thinking about ordering pizza.”
“Sounds great. I don’t have any plans—well, nothing important. Just give me a little bit—um, ah, just to finish something, and I’ll be on my way.”
“What are you working on? You sound distracted.”
“Oh, nothing, really. Just—you know, catching up on some reading. I just want to finish this chapter. New book and all.”
“So you’re just sitting there reading? Oh come on, just bring the book along.” It seemed like Kelly would be ready for a surprise transport. “Well, see you in a minute or two.” I gave a little laugh and then I ended the call. This was going to be fun. I could just imagine Kelly’s surprised face once we magically poofed her to my apartment. I gave Gertie the cue to work her magical broom. A puff of pink smoke filled the living room.
And there, in the middle of the living room, Kelly appeared. She was completely unaware that she had been transported. And she was, to quote Oliver Wendell Holmes, “as naked as a peeled apple.” She laid on her back, with her knees bent and legs spread open, she unintentionally gave us a live performance that we could have done without. In her hand was a large pink dong that she repeatedly stabbed herself with. The thrusts of the sex toy were made with such speed and ferocity that it looked like she was shaking up a can of spray paint. We were all speechless, with the exception of the strange sounds coming from Kelly’s throat.
Now, looking back, not only was there the complete surprise of what she was engaged in, but also how curiously weird it looked. I have to admit that I had never seen anything quite like from the perspective of an audience member. This could be a moment that burns a scarred image on the psyche. The kind that would make it difficult, at best, to engage in a little personal time of my own without having that unholy image of Kelly pop up. A completely uninvited, Technicolor mental video, of her pummeling the living daylights out of her hoo-hoo with a quite large, bright pink, synthetic penis.
Thankfully, Gertie kept her composure long enough to whip her broom around in counter clockwise motion, and utter some Latin words. “Revoco! Reverto!” Kelly, caught up in the bliss of orgasmic self-indulgence, disappeared back to where she had come. Literally. Apparently unaware that she had ever been transported.
“Sweet baby Jaysus in his mother’s arms! What was that? It sounded like she had swallowed a bobcat, and it looked like it was trying to poke back out from the other end!” Gertie shouted. Her complexion had gone completely white.
Randy returned from the kitchen. “So, what did I miss? Gertie? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I just started to laugh. At first it was because of Gertie’s reaction. Her Irish accent really shined when she got excited, and it added to her appearance of complete shock. Then I was laughing at how close we had come to putting Kelly in the nuthouse and supplying Randy’s therapist with a year’s worth of fresh material. “Oh, she’s coming all right! Let’s give her a minute, while I call Lindsey. I’ll just let her know to be ready to be magically brought here. God only knows what else we might be subjected to witness.” We let Randy’s confounded look remain unanswered.
Lindsey arrived without the fanfare of Kelly’s first appearance and shortly after, Kelly returned. Thankfully, she was completely unaware of what had happened. It was a subject I would avoid like the plague.
Chapter Ten
Sex And The Single Witch
Once we got settled in with plenty of food, we went over Randy’s interesting discovery in Elspeth’s castle. All for one, and one for all, being our motto, it was decided. While I was on my camping adventure with Hunter, Kelly and Lindsey would research Elspeth. We would all go together to Scotland. Later on, Randy stood up and picked up his jacket. With a few shakes, the ugly leisure suit transformed into a stylish black suit, much like the one he wore when playing Vlad. Sans cape and walking stick, of course. Apparently, even he realized that the leisure suit was a bit much. He headed out to meet a friend for drinks and that left us alone to have a talk with Gertie.
“So, Gertie says that she has a date tomorrow. Brad, the hot fireman, is coming by to pick her up. I think it’s time that we have a little talk with her about some things.” I looked at Gertie and gave her a wink. Kelly hummed the tune to the Oscar Mayer jingle. I realized that she was thinking that we’d confess to what we had done to Brad. I shot death rays from my eyes to hers and slightly shook my head to silently say “no.”
“What kind of things?” Lindsey asked with a worried tone.
I tried to ease her by explaining. “Lady things. You see, we have to remember that Gertie has only been in the modern era a short time. She really is a girl of our age, from Chicago, but in the 1870’s. Think of how the world has changed in so many ways and then think about how it’s changed for women.”
“Exactly. It’s so different now. I’m learning things every day. But, well, I don’t have any experience with men. None. I’m looking to you girls to tell me things. As far as how evolved things are and women are legally equal to men, that sort of thing is grea
t. It’s been fun to be able to do things that I never would have been allowed to get away with back then, From the way I dress, or what I say, or what I do, those are new.”
“I’ll cut to the chase. We can all agree that Brad is hot, and Gertie is having some strong physical urges. I just want to say this, Gertie. Our culture seems to promote sex at every turn. Of course, it is a big part of our lives. The average female in our age group thinks about sex an average of nineteen times a day, according to an article I read.”
Lindsey demurred. “I don’t know about that. Some days maybe more, other days not at all. But, nineteen times a day? Every day? Jesus!”
Kelly huffed her opinion. “Pfft. Nineteen? That’s nothing. I know I’d throw that curve way the hell off.”
I winked at Gertie, considering we had just observed Kelly in action. “Well, my point is, sex is a big deal in our lives. In a serious romantic relationship, it’s crucial. So, of course, people talk about it. It’s in our music, our literature, our movies, it’s everywhere. The thing is, Gertie, just because it seems like everyone is running about having casual sex all the time, it really isn’t the case.”
“Isn’t that the unfortunate truth?” Kelly quietly complained.
“Anyway, males do think about sex more often. A lot more often. So you might feel pressured, by what you perceive is going on around you, or by a very persistent man, to just have sex. As if it makes you more of a modern woman to just have sex. In fact, being a modern woman should empower you to do exactly the opposite, because now, in this age, it is your body, you control it. Nobody else. If you decide that you are going to have sex, then be smart about it and have fun. If you aren’t ready, just tell the guy you don’t want to. He’ll probably whine and cry a little, but if he can’t understand the word ‘no’ then you run. Don’t walk. And never look back, because that kind of guy isn’t a man. He’s an abusive controller. Do you get what I’m saying?”
Hopeful Leigh (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 3) Page 6