“I think so. So it really is just up to me. I know from listening to married women back in the old days, a wife had to have sex with her husband whenever he wanted it. Listening to them, it wasn’t like it was even enjoyable for women. More like a chore. Sex seemed to be something only fun for men. I’m sure that wasn’t always the case, but from I heard, it was pretty common.”
“Well it’s not like that now. And don’t let anyone tell you different.”
“So, let’s get to the good stuff. Say one day I decide that I want to have sex with Brad. Is it okay for me to just ask him? That seems like it would be awkward, but is that acceptable? Is there some modern etiquette?”
Kelly was beaming at the thought of Gertie pointedly asking Brad to have sex. I’m sure she pictured Gertie and Brad sitting at a table, enjoying a meal. Gertie would then ask Brad for sex as calmly as if he wanted creamer in his coffee. “Sure! Go for it.” She said.
“Kelly! You are going to embarrass her. Right Leigh? I mean, there is still something called romance and good taste.” Lindsey interjected.
“Well, yes. And no. At first, I don’t think you want to just throw it out there like you’re asking someone if they want a sandwich. Maybe once you’re already in a sexual relationship, you can move on to just jumping on him.”
Kelly groaned. “I suppose. Now Gertie, say you and Brad are about to do it. You have to be prepared. Have you thought about contraceptives? Protection? You don’t want to end up with a bun in the coven.”
Gertie cocked her head. “A bun in the coven?”
“Yeah, you know, pregnant. With child. Knocked up. The coven is just my little word play because you’re a witch. And the way I see it, you should be giving it up to at least one of Chicago Fire Department’s finest. You could say you owe them.”
“I wouldn’t even know where to get protection.”
We delved into a conversation that involved the various forms, the pro and cons, and the need for regular medical care, not only for contraceptives, but screening for the host of health issues that have plagued women since the dawn of time. I promised to help Gertie get an appointment with the clinic I went to. When the topic of condoms came up, as a ready alternative to other methods, none of us had any to show her. Fortunately, Randy had just returned.
As soon as he walked in the door, Kelly gave him a command. “Randy, give me a condom.”
“Uh, what makes you think I have a condom with me?”
“You’re my brother. You’ve had a tell-tale, round ring in your leather wallet since you were fifteen.”
Randy reluctantly pulled out the little package from his wallet and handed it to Kelly.
She read the label. “Pina Colada flavored? Really? I bet that mixes nicely with the conflicting tastes of latex and salt. Yuck.”
“Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.” Randy made an obscene gesture with his hand and his mouth and walked down the hallway towards the bathroom.
“Anyway, Gertie, this is how a condom comes packaged. It gets rolled onto the guy’s erection. The thing you have to be careful of is if it breaks, or if he comes in it, or loses his hard-on, it’s game over, until he gets a new one on.” She handed the package to Gertie. She took it by barely touching the edges with her fingers, as if it had already been used.
I went into my kitchen and got a cucumber from my refrigerator and brought it back. “Lindsey, give me a hand. Hold this like you’re a guy with a hard-on standing in front of Gertie.” Lindsey stood in front of Gertie who was seated on the couch. She held the cucumber in front of her crotch and stroked it. She also made little thrusts towards Gertie with it.
“Whoa! Lindsey! I’m impressed. I didn’t know you were so experienced with the strap attack!” Kelly quipped.
I was in teaching mode—an unorthodox teaching mode most certainly, but that meant I was being completely earnest about the lesson at hand. Well, the lesson was actually held firmly in Lindsey’s smutty hand, in a quite indelicate way. “Here, pretend that Lindsey is your lover. You should know how to put it on. The guy probably will do that, I suppose, but there’s nothing wrong with you doing it. Okay, now open the package and place it on the tip and pinch the tip of that latex with one hand and then roll it down, all the way to the base.”
Lindsey playfully began making moaning sounds. I gave her a look. Lindsey feigned surprise. “What? I’m just trying to be realistic.”
“I’m not sure why, but I’m just going to go ahead and say this. I’m getting kind of turned on now.” Kelly confessed. “Show her how to stroke it Lindsey!”
Randy walked in and saw the large, green, condom encased cucumber being playfully stroked by the giggling Lindsey and Gertie. “Holy hell! It looks like you’re giving a Martian a hand-job. Just so you know, there actually is a difference between getting your freak on and being downright weird. This is right in between. And is there room for more?” Randy laughed and added. “I don’t get the condom covered cucumber. But if you put some salad dressing in there we could end up with cucumber salad in about ten minutes.” With that comment, both Lindsey and Gertie ceased their role playing.
With our lessons and advice to Gertie completed, I pulled Randy into the kitchen. “I want to talk to you about something. When you and Gertie go back to Elspeth’s castle, we are all going.”
“I figured. But, Gertie may not want you to. She cares an awful lot for you and she worries that Elspeth has something up her sleeve.”
“We’ll go. While I’m camping with Brad, you’ll be working on those designs with Gertie. Lindsey and Kelly are going to do some research on this witch, Elspeth. She must have some notoriety, living in a castle and all.”
“True. I hadn’t thought of that.”
“One more thing…earlier, when you were not so nicely cutting down my hopes for this camping trip, I am pretty sure I detected a hint of jealousy. What’s up with that?”
“Oh, I don’t know if I can explain it. It just happened by accident. Completely unexpected. I suppose somewhere inside, I’ve hung onto a little something for you. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not physical at all. You see, back when we were younger, I did have a bit of a crush on you, but I was also figuring out who I was. What still remains is a little emotional connection. It’s just not a physical one. Now, I guess it’s more like you’re a best friend, who has suddenly found a brand new friend to go do stuff with, and gush all over. Not only that, but I can’t help but wish, that someday, I could find someone that makes me feel like Hunter makes you feel. So, I suppose that all seeped out, a bit sarcastically.”
“Don’t worry, you’re not losing a friend. And you will find someone, if you can just be yourself and tame that sharp tongue of yours.”
“What can I say? It’s a family trait. Kelly can be much harsher than me.” I had to agree with him.
When we returned to the living room, Kelly had my laptop set up on the coffee table. She was seated on the couch between Gertie and Lindsey and they were all watching porn. Kelly clicked through various videos, while the other’s faces were contorted in strange shapes as they were immersed in the weird world of online porn. Apparently, sex-ed class had advanced to the next level—positions and acts. Gertie seemed unable to grasp the vulgar slang used in the descriptions. “I’m sorry, but I still don’t see anyone playing a rusty trombone on that movie, and those other two sure aren’t going to make a cream pie doing that. At least not one I’d be willing to eat.” Kelly and Lindsey were cracking up with laughter.
Kelly poked her head up from the dark universe of internet filth. “Sorry Leigh, I ran out of visual aids and Gertie didn’t quite understand oral sex or the various positions.”
“Even I learned some new things. Where the hell do they come up with these terms?’ Red faced Lindsey asked in an astonished tone.
“Class, dismissed!” I announced and then I retrieved my poor, abused laptop. I actually felt bad for what they put it through.
Once the laughter subsided, we went back
to talking about Elspeth. I repeated to Gertie what I told Randy about the plan for us all to go to Scotland once I returned from my trip. Kelly and Lindsey promised thorough research on their part and I was confident that by being armed with knowledge, we would be prepared for anything. Finally, I could learn something about my magic desk. Perhaps, somewhere inside its dark ancient wood, it held a long forgotten secret.
Chapter Eleven
A Witch’s Confession
Once Gertie and I used our magic brooms to poof everyone away to their respective destinations, I decided to tell her about Brad.
“Gertie, there’s something I need to talk to you about. Something about Brad.” My tone was very somber, and she picked up on that immediately.
“Oh no. What is it? It can’t be good the way you brought this up.”
“Well—” I paused to get my nerve up. “It’s not really bad per se. You know how sometimes you believe that something wrong or unjust is happening, so you decide to do something about it? You take a course of action, with best of intentions, but then you find out later that you were completely mistaken and there was nothing wrong happening?”
“Are you kidding? Of course, I know what you mean. That’s my life story. I suppose that it really only matters what you did before you found out you were wrong.” Gertie stopped to consider what I was trying to get at. “But what does that have to do with Brad? Did he overreact to something?”
“Not quite. Not that long ago, Kelly and Lindsey came over. We were planning to have an afternoon out, you know, shopping and getting something to eat. Well, we ended up hanging out in Lincoln Park. We came upon a sidewalk café and it just so happened that Lindsey and Kelly spotted Brad. Oh, by the way, you should have warned us about the color transforming dresses.”
“It’s a great idea though, isn’t it? I completely forgot to tell you. And I need to warn you to be careful because I haven’t quite gotten the magic down pat on those. You might find yourself wearing a see through dress!”
“I know. We had gone up to Brad to see what he was up to. That’s exactly what happened to Lindsey’s dress, right on the sidewalk in front of Brad. Anyway, while we were dealing with that, a very attractive young woman came and sat down with him.”
“Oh, that was probably just his sister Beth. Remember? He told me that she lives in Lincoln Park.”
“Yeah, umm, well we didn’t know about her at the time. It seemed to us that he was with another girl. As in a girlfriend. We didn’t want you to get your hopes high about Brad, if he was already with someone else. This is where things went wrong. Kelly listened in on what he was saying. She was convinced that Brad was up to no good. Then we were all onboard with that assumption. We thought he was sort of a playboy and that he was the kind of guy that would just lead you on, while chasing other women behind your back.”
“Oh, I guess that’s understandable. You didn’t know who Beth was. No big deal. Unless, of course you, decided to hurt him or something. You didn’t do that. Did you?”
“No, not hurt him. Just put a temporary spell on him so that he would be completely rude and obnoxious to every woman he came across that night. So women could see what he was really like. Well, what we thought he was really like. He said quite a few very bad things. He even got punched and pepper sprayed. He almost got taken away to jail or the psych ward by a female police officer, but Beth got there in time to intervene.”
“That explains something. He said that he thought he had eaten something bad, and it made him hallucinate or something. I told him that it was probably that someone picked the wrong mushrooms. Is that what you are so worried about?”
Sheepishly, I apologized. “Yes. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it! Really. You were looking out for me and you had no idea about Beth. I’m actually grateful you thought that much about me to nearly have him thrown into an asylum. How about Kelly and Lindsey? Are they worried also?”
“Kelly is. She thinks that if you found out, you would be furious. In fact, so mad, that you would turn her into a pink platypus. Lindsey was correct, that you would understand.”
“How about we take this opportunity to play a little joke on Kelly? I think she’d be a good sport.”
“You do have a bit of a dark side! I love it. What do you have in mind?”
“I’m thinking that she is pretty fond of that pink rubber penis that she was poking herself with. What would she do if it suddenly had a mind of its own?”
That damned instant replay of Kelly playing with her toy had started playing in my head. “Ugh! That is something I wish I could erase from my memory. I say, go for it. It has a lot of possibilities. But, she’ll know right away that there has to be witchcraft behind it. We’ll be blamed.”
“Oh, she might. But it’ll be worth it.”
“Then I’ll leave it in your cold calculating hands. So, tell me, how excited are you to see Brad tomorrow?”
“I’m beside myself! That little class you guys put on tonight really just got me thinking about sex. Remember how I met Brad? We were practically devouring each other. I can’t wait to kiss him again and feel what I felt that night. You know, we talk to each other every day? He has been a great incentive for me to get over my fear of the telephone.”
“Wow! I didn’t know that. Is he a good conversationalist? A lot of guys just plain suck at listening.”
“Oh yeah, we talk for over an hour at a time. Sometimes two hours. About all sorts of things. I don’t know what it is, but it’s more than the magic spell leftover from that night we met. It’s like we are fated or something. I didn’t tell anyone else this, but just the other night, we had a very naughty conversation.”
“Really? See, I underestimate you.”
“It just sort of happened. I meant to ask him if it’s harder this way, to talk on the phone than in person. I asked ‘Does it make it hard, talking on the phone?’ and he thought I meant his Randy Johnson. From there he started talking dirty to me and I just went along with it. Since I have absolutely no experience, I wasn’t sure what to say to him so I told him to tell me everything he would do to me if I were in his bed naked. It was so, just so, exciting.” Then Gertie looked around and then whispered. “He even told me what to do, with my hands, while he was talking to me.”
“Welcome to the wonderful world of phone sex! Personally, I think phone sex is incredibly hot, as long as it’s with someone that can actually articulate a good fantasy.”
I recalled my earliest experience with talking dirty on the phone. I was in college and ended up calling a boy who I had been in high school with. He was stumbling over his words and couldn’t seem to keep any sort of logical sequence to what we were talking about. I finally had to point out that he evidently lacked any skill in this sort of thing, by straight out telling him that if we couldn’t manage phone sex, there was no use in actually having sex—ever. I gave him the benefit of doubt and tried it one more time. It failed when I realized that his vocabulary had suddenly grown exponentially—and he mysteriously used words that would be more likely heard in 17th century England. I busted him for reading one of his mom’s romance books. That was my only experience with it, other than the deliciously perfect session with Hunter’s phone call.
“You know what? After seeing that crazy thing that Kelly has, I’m seriously considering finding one of those for myself. It’s just, I don’t think I would be able to take it seriously if it looked like, um—”
“Like a fluorescent pink donkey dick? I’m with you. It sounds to me like a shopping trip is in our future. Allow Madame Leigh be your concierge in that department.”
Chapter Twelve
Cat Fight
I woke up just as Gertie was getting picked up by Brad. I didn’t want him to recognize me, so I only walked into the hallway and waited. I also didn’t want him to see me after I had just crawled out of bed. Of course, Gertie just had to tell me something.
“Leigh? Are you up?”
Reluctant
ly I walked out and met her. “Hi Brad.”
“Hey.” He gave me a small wave and started to blush as he recognized me as one of the witnesses to his psychotic philandering. There was that cat carrier in his hand again.
“Leigh, Brad brought me this cute little cat. He rescued it from a fire in an old empty house. He was going to give it to his sister, but she can’t take any more pets. So he gave it to me. Can I keep it here today?”
“Of course. You two have fun. If, for some reason, I’m not here later, I’ll leave you a key.”
Gertie took the cage and set it on the floor just as Luna walked up to see what was happening. She circled around the cage a few times and made odd growling noises that I had never heard from her before. When she looked in the door, another black cat jumped inside the cage. The strange black cat let out a wicked hiss, frightening poor Luna so badly that she bolted out of the room in a flash.
Brad finally managed to utter more than one syllable. “Leigh, it’ll probably be best if you keep that cat in the cage for now. It seems to have quite a temper.”
Gertie knelt down and looked in at the little monster. “I think you’re just a little scared too. Aren’t you? Don’t worry, I’ll take you back to my home with me and you will just love it.” She looked up at Brad. “She’ll have to let her out. She will need to eat, drink and use a litter box.”
“Don’t worry, she can stay in my bedroom. I’ll put everything she needs in there. If Luna doesn’t get along with her, I’ll close the door to separate them.”
Once Gertie and Brad left for their date, I quickly moved the cage into my bedroom and gathered some food, water, and a spare litter box. This was one that Luna once used, before she got too fat to get inside and I had to upgrade to the jumbo sized cat latrine. Luna patrolled the hallway, guarding what was left of her kingdom. She wasn’t too happy to have a choice parcel caved out and handed to this occupying force.
I thought I had shut the bedroom door before I opened the cage, but it must have been left slightly ajar. As soon as I opened the cage, a sleek black cat raced out to the hallway and met Luna’s pointy defenses. The racket that ensued was so awful, I was honestly afraid of what they’d done to each other. By the time I reached the hallway, they were flying around like a pair of ninjas fighting to the death. I screamed and it was enough of a distraction for the stranger to escape. She jumped right up on my desk. I was really just worried about my laptop and all of the irreplaceable work it contained. I grabbed Luna and locked her in the bathroom. Now this cat would have to deal with me.
Hopeful Leigh (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 3) Page 7