The Green Memory of Fear

by B. A. Chepaitis

  Alex laughed.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked. “Too much salt?”

  He released Jaguar, staggered forward and pressed his bloodied hand onto Senci’s forehead. Jaguar’s tears sizzled against his skin. Alex began to shake all over.

  Everything he was he showed to Senci. All his profound courtesy. His willingness to be here, dying so Jaguar could live. The absence of fear in his dying, like hers. Like hers. He gave it all to Senci, whose face and mouth and throat burned with her tears. And in the mirror of Alex’s life, Senci saw what he had chased Jaguar to learn.

  If he did not fear death, he could die, and in dying be transformed.

  At last. At last. You have found me.

  Senci fell to his knees and Alex swayed, clutching his own chest, his face blanched as blood poured from him. He bowed his head, then collapsed in on himself, his last energy spent.

  Maya screamed and the ping of cobalt fire brushed past Jaguar. She fell back, scrambled to stand. The girl had Alex’s gun and was firing it, her face a scream that kept happening. She fired again and again and Senci, distracted by pain, reeled back as one shot hit and made a hole in his head. He put his hand to it, trying to put it back together. Venom entered him and he writhed under its sway.

  Jaguar heard Alex speaking within her.

  His heart. Take his heart. For fuck’s sake, do it now.

  Tears still running down her face, Jaguar turned to Senci, who knelt before her with his hands at his skull. In his long life, he’d spread death and fear and pain until he’d become nothing but that. And she would release him from that burden.

  She plunged her knife into his chest, slashing clean through skin and muscle and bone. She pushed her hands into him and found his heart, still beating. She closed her hand around it and pulled hard, slashing away all connective tissue until it was freed from his body. Then she held it high, singing the song One Bird taught her for the end of bondage.

  I release you I release you I release you

  His terror oozed onto the ground, sizzled in the air, his eyes wide and staring at sky nothing.

  I release you I release you I release you I release you.

  He crumbled at her feet, his body steaming red and writhing. She held his heart like a torch and ran for the grotto, where she dropped her burden into the bowl of the choc mul.

  “Eat this and not me,” she whispered as she laid it down.

  She felt motion in the stones around her, motion in the air. Senci’s spirit, making its last bid for supremacy. She backed out of the grotto, turned and ran. The earth shook under her feet and she lurched, landed on her face. She scrambled back up, moved across the trembling ground to Alex. To Alex. She would be with him while the world fell apart. While the ground shook and Senci found his way into death.

  She stumbled to where Alex lay, his eyes closed now, his face quiet in the storm. She would be with him.

  The day darkened to grey. The air grew hot and twisted as Senci’s body swelled, eyeless and lipless and dessicated of flesh. He grew to bursting, then collapsed in on himself, a thousand years of hunger eating hunger, drawing all available air into it, drawing breath from Jaguar’s body until she felt she was being turned inside out.

  Don’t you know love beats death every time, Jaguar?

  Her lungs wouldn’t work, and breath was sucked out of her by Senci’s departing laughter as it screamed across the high mesa in the wind.

  Chapter 22

  Time passed without breath for a minute more than eternity.

  Then her lungs worked for her, pulling in air, the clean wind of the mesa flowing into her effortlessly. She opened her eyes and saw only sky.

  She was on her back on the mesa. There was something else she had to do. Something.

  She pulled herself up and looked around. Alex lay next to her on a patch of earth that was too red. Maya squatted near him, weeping. A few feet away was Senci—or what was left of him. Only the thin and dusty outline of a skeleton.

  As she stared at it she noticed her right hand was tightly closed. She opened it, saw she held a single leaf of mint, perfectly green and fresh as if she’d just picked it, still wet from what felt like early morning dew. Something she was supposed to do here. Yes. Of course. What One Bird and Jake told her to do.

  She stood and lifted the mint to the sky, said the cleansing prayer.

  She walked to where Senci had fallen and dropped the mint onto the outline of his skeleton, drawn in dust on the mesa. It came to rest where his heart had been, something green and fresh to replace an ancient evil.

  The wind picked up dust and leaf, swirled it into the air and carried it to a place where stone and water would absorb it, disperse it, transform it into something it had never been before.

  She took a deep breath as it passed, then went and crouched next to Alex, near Maya who wept over him. She touched his forehead. Cool and clammy. She moved her finger across his temple, down to his neck.

  There, under her finger, a pulse beat. Under his skin, his heart was beating.

  A sob of relief was torn from her. She ripped his shirt open and saw that the wound she’d made was high and to the left. Too far left for his heart. Too high for his lungs. Just a lot of blood vessels, muscle, and flesh, making a mess. She found his water bottle and washed the blood away, cut pieces of her dress for bandages, wrapped his wound and washed his face, put water to his lips. Kissed him.

  As she did so, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to Maya’s ashen aspect.

  “Is he dead?” Maya asked.

  “No,” Jaguar reassured her. “He’s just unconscious. Were you hurt?”

  Maya shook her head. “You fell down and I couldn’t wake you up, so I sat next to him. I sang a song to him, but he didn’t move. Are you sure he’s not dead?”

  “Put your hand by his mouth and you’ll feel him breathing.”

  Maya’s small fingers wandered to his lips and touched them tentatively, then pulled back. “I want to go to the village,” she said.

  Jaguar frowned. “I don’t want to move him yet. When he wakes up, we’ll take the airrunner.”

  “I think they’ll be waiting for me by the road. It’s only a few miles. I ran all the way here and I wasn’t even tired.”

  “It’s a long walk if they’re not there. “

  “I promised I’d be back for supper. Jake’ll be mad if I’m not.”

  Jaguar smiled. Already, she was learning. Keep your promises. “You were very brave, Maya,” she said. “You saved our lives.”

  She kicked at the dirt. “I should go,” she said.

  “Go on, then. Tell them what happened. Tell them we’re okay.”

  Maya looked at her gratefully, then skittered away over the mesa. Jaguar turned back to Alex, stroked his head and sang into his dreams, softly so as not to wake him.

  Chapter 23

  There were so many stars around him, and space was so vast. Too vast to tell what direction he floated in or how he moved. He only knew the sensation of motion as he took his spirit journey through the open universe.

  Death wasn’t so bad after all, Alex thought. It was, at least, beautiful. But he wished he could tell Jaguar about it. Instinctively he turned, looking for her.

  And she was there.

  Her face, inches from his, on sandy earth.

  Had she died with him? As he tried to figure this out, he felt a tickle and reached his hand up to brush it away. Sand flea on his face.

  His face?

  Apparently, he still had a face. He sought out other body parts. His toes wiggled when he told them to. His legs moved. His arms—he shifted himself up on his elbow and felt pain throbbing in his shoulder. When he looked at it, saw it was actually there, he also saw it was bandaged with something that looked like Jaguar’s clothes.

  He had survived. Had she?

  He breathed in deeply, willing his heart to slow its rapid rhythms. Then he let his fingers run lightly over the skin of her face. It felt warm to t
he touch. Warm and alive.

  He moved two fingers to her forehead and asked permission to enter her dreams.

  The shock of pleasure almost knocked him flat again. There. Jaguar’s sweet jungle and she was waiting for him. He saw himself in her dream, approaching her.

  “Jaguar,” he said, “it’s me.”

  She opened her eyes, stared at him hard as dream flowed into waking in this land of desert visions. She didn’t ask if he was alive. She knew.

  She pressed her hands to his face and he kissed her, long and slow, taking her lips as a blessing.

  Look how close the stars are tonight, he said into her.

  Take me there, she said. With you.

  And he did.

  Epilogue

  They lingered for another day and night on the mesa, both of them reluctant to leave a place that held such blessings. There was food and water in Alex’s airrunner, and they had each other, which was more than enough.

  But as the second dawn rose over them, Jaguar looked to Alex and sighed. “They’ll be worrying about us,” she said.

  “They will,” he agreed. “You ready to go back?”

  “More or less,” she said.

  They took the airrunner back to the village. Jake and One Bird, along with Maya and her new family, greeted them when they arrived, made them eat food and sleep. Jaguar called Rachel to let her know they were alive and would be staying in New Mexico a while. Rachel didn’t ask what happened, or what would happen next. She just said it was good to hear her sounding like herself again.

  Nobody talked about Senci or what happened on the mesa. Probably they already knew but felt it wasn’t time to tell the story yet. At the sun ceremony next year was time enough. Jaguar would be asked to tell it then. And by then, she might know how.

  Jaguar and Alex were quiet together. They had little to say that needed words. She was alive. He was alive. They were here with each other, in this place of singing wind. In this place where everything sings.

  At One Bird’s insistence they stayed a full week, letting her work her magic on Alex’s shoulder. He and Jaguar walked with Maya at night, telling her the names of the stars. She regarded them with solemn eyes, always walking a little distance apart. Once, when they were admiring Jupiter and holding hands, she asked, “Why do you do that?”

  “Do what?” Alex asked.

  “Hold hands.” She turned to Alex. “Are you afraid she’ll get away?”

  Jaguar elbowed Alex’s ribs before he laughed. “I can get away any time I want. See?” She released his hand, took it back. “But I don’t want to. I like it here.”

  When they walked back to the house Maya got between them and took a hand from each. She walked about five steps that way, then let them go and skipped ahead. Then she walked back and grabbed their hands again. She did this once, twice, three times. One Bird, watching from the front door of her house, nodded approval.

  “Maybe,” Alex suggested, “we should stay a little more and see what else we can do.”

  Their one week turned into two, and then three. Finally the rains came and everyone stood under them to taste the blessing. Corn was harvested and baked in pits around the houses. Every night, Alex slept with Jaguar either in her room or under the wide night sky. Every day they’d work in the gardens or play with Maya or walk the land.

  Then one morning Alex found Jaguar standing outside the adobe house, staring up at the sky in the direction of the Planetoid. On a clear day, in spite of the cloaking screens, you could still make out the rim of it as a shining ring in the sky.

  “Homesick?” Alex asked.

  She jumped, and then turned to him. “You’re the only man who can actually sneak up on me. Did you know that?”

  “I think I got that figured by now. You’re ready to go back, aren’t you?”

  She nodded. “If I don’t, then I won’t. This land gets under your skin, Alex. You have no idea.”

  “I’m beginning to figure that one, too. We better see if we can get our jobs back, first.”

  “Is there a problem with that?”

  “You resigned, Jaguar. So did I.”

  “Oh,” she said. “That.”

  “That,” Alex agreed. “I’ll call Paul.”

  Once he had Paul on the line, Alex told him that Dr. Addams and Supervisor Dzarny were alive, relatively unscathed, and ready to return to Planetoid 3.

  “Huh,” Paul said. “Ain’t that something. You think maybe you can get jobs here?”

  “Maybe. Are you upset about something, Paul?” he asked.

  “Upset? Upset? You left me short all this time and we’ve got five new ones this week. Yes, goddammit. I’m upset. You can’t just resign every time you need to chase after that crazy woman on some other....”

  His words trailed to silence. Alex waited. “Oh, hell,” he said. “I never filed the resignations. Technically you were both on personal leave.”

  Alex bit back a smile. “Thanks, Paul. I appreciate that.”

  “Yeah. Well, that Shofet woman suggested it. She seemed to think you’d be back. I suppose it’s a bad idea for me to ask what you were doing.”

  “Very bad,” Alex agreed.

  “That’s what I thought. I gotta tell you, though, I was expecting a funeral. Or two. I was kinda looking forward to wearing my new suit.”

  “Put it on,” Alex suggested. “Take Jaguar out to dinner. Make sure she orders the lobster.”

  He flipped the receiver off and turned back to Jaguar.

  “We’re employed,” he said.

  “Of course,” Jaguar said. “Paul may be a bureaucrat, but he knows good workers when he sees them.”

  * * * *

  One Bird let Maya say goodbye to them after breakfast, just outside their house. She turned to Alex, held her arms out for an embrace he gave gladly. When she released him she turned to Jaguar and tentatively moved toward her. Jaguar pulled her in to hold her, and Maya buried her face in Jaguar’s shoulder.

  “You’re still my mother,” she said with the certainty of all truth.

  “Yes,” Jaguar agreed. “No matter what. And you know how to find me if you need me.”

  Maya pulled back, nodded solemnly, put her hand in One Bird’s and skipped off to go herb gathering.

  Jake stayed behind and walked with them to the airrunner. When they were there he rolled his gaze over the two of them, taking his time, making sure he saw everything he wanted to see.

  “What you did,” he said. “It was good. Didn’t know if you’d come back, though.”

  “I was pretty sure we wouldn’t,” Jaguar said. “And you stalled me, didn’t you? To let Alex get here.”

  “Didn’t I say you weren’t going alone?” Jake told her.

  “Yeah. You did,” Jaguar said. “But I don’t know why you let Maya go, when it was so dangerous.”

  “She needed to make it right,” Jake said. “She had a lot to make right. Besides, we told her to get back by suppertime, no matter what. She listened,” he said, indicating that Jaguar never had. Probably never would.

  “I wouldn’t count on her always listening,” Jaguar said. “She doesn’t strike me as the type.”

  “I suppose. Alice and Red Feather’ll have their work cut out for them. You’ll come back sometimes to help. Both of you,” he said, pointing at her and at Alex. “Come back and visit. Teach her a thing or two.”

  “We will,” Alex promised. “With pleasure.”

  Jake peered up at the sky. “It’s gonna seem small up there, after being out here with the big sky and the mother stones.”

  Jaguar nodded. “The land is smaller, but the space around it—that’s as big as a dream, Jake.”

  * * * *

  When the shuttle was on its way back, after they’d been given their drinks, Alex turned to Jaguar.

  “Listen,” he said. “We can’t do this again.”

  “Hecate,” she said. “I hope not.”

  “I mean hide the truth from each other.”


  She shifted in her seat, sipped at her drink. “I didn’t lie to you.”

  “You didn’t tell me who Senci was. You didn’t give me enough information to make an honest choice.”

  “No,” she admitted. “And you didn’t tell me you put water in my hypos. If you told me, or I told you, we might both be dead.”

  “I’m not questioning what we did. I’m just saying that’s over now. It has to be different. No more evasions.”

  She twisted around to look at him. “Not even from the Board? You think we should send them memos? Supervisor Alex Dzarny and Dr. Jaguar Addams would like to announce that they’re fucking like bunnies. Well,” she added thoughtfully, “Not bunnies, really . . . “

  “I get the idea. But everyone suspected it long before it was true,” he pointed out.

  “The Board is okay with suspicion. It gives them something to talk about. But they don’t appreciate visible truth.”

  He sighed. She was right. There were policies, protocols. If the Board knew, they might insist she change zones, or even Planetoids. But that wasn’t the point right now. First, they had to settle themselves.

  “That’s the Board,” he said. “What I’m talking about is between us. It has to be real. It’s the only way this can work, and I’d like it to work. You understand that?”

  She regarded him, her eyes quiet, more peaceful than he’d ever seen them. Something elemental had shifted in her. She took his hand and pressed it to her heart. Though they didn’t need the physical contact to speak empathically, the gesture was a courtesy, an invitation. He touched the surface of her thoughts and found her open. Nothing hidden. At least, not from him.

  All yours. No exceptions.

  He felt the warmth of her thoughts, just on the edge of burning fire. Having made up her mind she would do this as she did everything else, at full throttle. He had a moment of disquiet, thinking he’d gotten more than he bargained for, then realized he wanted that, too.

  She released him, curled her hand closed and ran her index finger down the side of his face. Then she leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes.

  “When we get back—” he started to say, but had no idea how to finish the sentence. She helped him out.