The Boy on the Bridge

by Sam Mariano

“Uh, you coming?”

  I start, turning toward my mom. She’s standing in the middle of the aisle staring at me as I thoughtlessly pet baby clothes.

  I drop my hand like the outfit caught fire, but I know it’s too late. She already saw me.

  “Yeah,” I say a touch too sharply, abandoning the cuteness and walking over to her.

  Of course, she’s watching me more closely now. “Having second thoughts on the dress? I don’t think that’s your size.” She tries for levity, but I can hear the undercurrent of concern in her voice.

  “Did you ever regret having me?”

  Her eyes widen. “What? No, of course not. Are you kidding me? I got to give birth to my favorite person. What a boon.”

  “I know, but you were so young. Surely there was so much stuff you wanted to do that you missed out on because of me. And then you had to do it all alone on top of that.”

  Mom shakes her head dismissively, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me in for a sideways hug as we walk. “No way. I mean, yeah, of course there were experiences I missed out on, and being a single mom is no walk in the park, but no, I never regretted it. I wouldn’t change a thing about our life.” She cocks her head in consideration. “Well, maybe plant a money tree in the back yard when we first bought the house, but aside from that, nothing.”

  I look over at her. “You never wonder what your life would’ve been like if you hadn’t gotten pregnant so young?”

  Instead of rushing to tell me no, of course not, she ponders this question for a few seconds. “Sure, I guess I did when I was younger, but just wondering what life would have been like doesn’t mean I regret any of it. Yeah, getting pregnant at 17 made life harder, but life’s hard for everyone, just in different ways. If it hadn’t been that, it would have been something else that made life hard, and nothing else would have brought me you.” She gives me a squeeze, then lets go so she can walk around to the driver side and I can get into the passenger seat. Once we’re both in, she looks over at me. “At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what I could have been. I wouldn’t want any other life. I love ours.”

  Emotion wells up in my chest. I feel like a big sap when I smile at her. “I love our life, too.”

  She smiles back, reaching over and patting my hand before she grabs her purse and digs out the car keys. “What brought all this on?”

  I shrug, my smile fading as I look out the car window. I wish I could tell her, but I can’t. “I just feel bad sometimes. You work so hard, and you always have. I feel like I’m the reason you had to work harder than everyone else and you didn’t make it as far.”

  “Ouch.”

  Her tone was light, but I look over at her, my eyes widening in horror. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry, that came out so wrong.”

  Mom shakes her head, letting me off the hook. “I get it. It’s a big drawback of living in a town like this, where so many people have so much. I’m sure you see your classmates who don’t even blink at spending hundreds of dollars on a dress they’ll wear once to a school dance, and… you’ve apparently been saving birthday money to pay for yours, and we still had to shop the clearance rack.”

  My stomach twists. “I haven’t been saving birthday money.”

  Mom shrugs. “Well, you don’t have a job and you paid for your own dress and shoes. Don’t think I don’t feel bad about that, Riley. I do.”

  “Mom…” I shake my head, wishing I hadn’t brought any of this up now. “I don’t want you to feel bad. Are you kidding me? You’re the best mom in the world. I don’t care about the dress or the dance, it’s nothing like that.”

  “It is frustrating sometimes, you know.” She checks the rearview and backs up. “You want to give the people you love everything, but you can’t give what you don’t have.”

  “You give me everything,” I tell her.

  “It’s not enough. And you’ve got college coming up.”

  She says it out loud, but her voice fades. It sounds more like she’s talking to herself than me.

  I feel terrible that I got her on this tangent. I didn’t even mean what I said, I just had to come up with something that wasn’t “what brought this on is I had unprotected sex with Hunter Maxwell, and I’m thinking about how my own life could be derailed if I don’t get a period soon.”

  Now I kind of wish I would have just said that.

  I mean it when I tell her she’s the best mom in the world. I couldn’t possibly want for a better mother. She has always done her very best for me, and I feel like an ingrate now because she thinks I think she doesn’t do enough for me.

  “That is not at all what I meant, Mom. I am so sorry I brought this up. Please know that I don’t think that. I love you and I love our life, I’m incredibly grateful for both. You’re Super Woman. You don’t need to do more for me than you already do.”

  Mom shakes her head, sighing. “No, I’m sorry. Don’t feel bad, I was being too sensitive. This has just been on my mind a lot lately, so you happened to bring it up, and…” She trails off, then looks over and flashes me a smile. “Don’t worry about it, hon. I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

  I feel a tiny bit better, but not much. “Why has this been on your mind lately?”

  She tries to play it off as she cuts the wheel and pulls out. “It’s just stupid adult stuff, don’t worry about it.”

  “Mom,” I say sternly. “I’m 18. I am technically an adult now.”

  “You’re six,” she states.

  “I thought I was seven and I wanted a pony.”

  “Ah, that’s right. See, you’re aging backward like Benjamin Button.”

  I do not accept her breezy dismissal and let her off the hook; she wouldn’t if the roles were reversed. “We’re supposed to be there for each other, remember?”

  Mom shakes her head. “I’m the mother, you’re the daughter. I’m always supposed to be there for you. It’s not your job to be there for me.”

  “Mom,” I say, staring at her. “Come on. I’m not a little kid anymore. If you’re stressed about something, talk to me about it. I can handle it, and I’m sure it’ll make you feel better to get it off your chest.”

  She sighs, a bit conflicted as she looks out at the road. “There actually is something I need to talk to you about. It’s not unrelated to all this, but I haven’t known how to bring it up. You’ve been so busy with school, and… it’s gonna sound crazy. I tried to think of a way it wouldn’t sound crazy, but I couldn’t find one, so I guess that means it is crazy. Maybe that should be my answer, but…”

  “I’m no stranger to crazy. What is it?”

  Mom looks over at me, appearing a bit like a deer suddenly illuminated by a pair of headlights. “What would you think about Ray moving in?”

  My jaw drops.

  I don’t mean for it to, I’m just so surprised.

  Not just because she won’t even admit he’s her boyfriend right now, but because Mom has never, ever been serious enough about any boyfriend to propose letting him move in with us.

  “I know we haven’t been together for very long,” she says quickly when I don’t respond. “It’s just, Ray’s lease is going to be up on his apartment, and if he renews it, he has to renew it for another year. In theory, that sounds perfect, right? In a year you’ll be off at college and I’ll be living at the house alone, anyway. What better time for a man to move in?”

  I open my mouth, but Mom doesn’t let me get a word in.

  “But in practice, it’s a little more complicated. Remember how I told you Ray has been wanting to open that boxing gym, and he finally found a perfect space for it, and the price was right, and it seemed like it was finally going to happen for him?”

  It’s been at least a month since she mentioned it, but I nod my head. “I remember.”

  “Well, he didn’t get the loan. He was convinced he was going to, but…” She shakes her head, her lips thinning regretfully. “It’s harder for him, you know? With his record,
with all the time he did, he doesn’t have the kind of credit a man his age usually would, so even though he has this solid business plan and all this fire… it’s not enough. He can’t get it off the ground without money. And honestly, I’m not sure what he’s going to do now, because this isn’t the first loan he’s tried to get. I guess his last application got shot down, too.”

  “That sucks.”

  “It does suck,” she agrees. “He has worked so hard for this. He went and got all the certifications he needed, he’s been working two jobs and trying to save as much as he can, but he’ll never be able to open the gym if he has to save up for everything. His day job is shitty, none of the good places want to hire him because of his record. It’s just an uphill climb. And it scares me a little, because…”

  I frown when she trails off. “Keep going. You can’t start a sentence with ‘it scares me’ and then not finish it.”

  I expect her to rush to assure me she doesn’t mean it that way, but she really does look worried. “It makes me nervous, because… His past is sketchy, you know? And I know him, I know his drive, I know he’s a man who accomplishes whatever he sets his mind to. Once he’s committed to something, you can’t get him off it. It’s impossible. He’s a fucking bull charging at a red flag, and right now he’s trying to do everything the right way, but it’s like he’s running on a treadmill. He can’t get anywhere, it’s just roadblock after roadblock. He wants to do things the right way, but I worry about what will happen once he’s exhausted all of his legitimate options. He’s not just going to say, ‘Damn, I guess it’s not going to work out,’ and give up. It’s not in him. And not only that...” She sighs heavily, her mouth forming a pout.

  “Stop playing coy with me, missy,” I tell her. “We’re in this conversation now. Out with it.”

  She looks over at me, her gaze heavy with dread. “If he can’t get the money doing things the right way, he knows shortcuts. I don’t mean he would go back to the dumb shit he did as a kid, but he met more serious criminals in prison, you know? Bad people. He knows guys in Boston who wouldn’t blink at loaning him the money he needs to open the gym, but that money would be filthy, and it would come with strings, the kind you can’t cut.”

  That money tree is sounding pretty damn good right now.

  Mom looks over at me. She looks sad, and it makes my stomach hurt. “If he gets sucked back into that world, he won’t get back out. And I can’t go with him,” she says with a miserable little smile. “I like to watch Jason Statham movies; I don’t want to live in one.”

  I sigh miserably, brimming with sympathy for the tough spot they’re both in.

  I know Ray wants to do things right and live a good life with my mom, but I get what she’s saying. I don’t know him as well as she does, but he’s obviously not a man easily deterred. She dumped him and he didn’t go away. From what she’s saying, it sounds like that’s probably how he attacks every area of his life that means something to him.

  “So, other than introducing him to custard, what can we do to help keep him on the straight and narrow?” I ask, hoping to bring a little levity to this grim conversation.

  Mom cracks a smile. “Well, I was thinking if the custard alone wasn’t enough to turn things around—a long shot, obviously; what problem can’t custard solve?—maybe moving in together makes sense. That way we’re not spending all of our money on two separate households. It would help him save more money toward the gym, and it would lighten the load for me, too, having someone to split all the bills with. I can help him build his credit so maybe next time he goes to a bank for a loan, they’ll say yes. Most importantly, I think it’ll help because it’ll remind him he’s not tackling life alone anymore, he’s on a team, part of a family. He won’t do anything to put us at risk, but he might be more inclined to do something reckless if he’s on his own. Plus, you know, I have a little more control over things if we live together. I can keep an eye on the situation, head him off at the pass if he gets impatient and starts thinking about doing anything stupid.” She looks over at me. “Don’t tell him I said that.”

  I smile. “My lips are sealed.”

  “He’d totally take it the wrong way,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Alpha males are the worst, I can’t believe I fell for one.”

  “I can’t either,” I say honestly, but I think it’s kind of funny. “Do you think you guys will get married?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure I ever want to get married, but if I did, I probably would marry his difficult, unruly ass.”

  She sounds so surly about it, I have to laugh despite the more sober threads of this conversation. “Well… I think it will definitely take some getting used to, but one of us was bound to live with a man eventually, right?”

  “Statistically speaking, I suppose it was probable.”

  “So we might as well try it out now,” I say with a shrug. “I really like Ray, and while it might be strange at first, who knows? It could be kind of nice spending my last year at home living like a nuclear family.”

  Mom clutches her throat dramatically. “I’ll have to get some pearls.”

  I nod in agreement. “We’ll get you one of those cheery sundresses you liked, too.”

  She gasps and looks over at me excitedly. “With lace?”

  “All the lace your heart desires,” I promise. “My treat.”

  Mom grins at me and says playfully, “Aww. I have the best daughter.”

  I smile back, but I really mean it when I tell her, “And I have the best mom.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Riley

  Once Mom inadvertently assured me that even if Hunter did impregnate me, it wouldn’t mean my life was over, I stop stressing about it so much.

  My tryout at Deb’s Diner goes well; she asks me to come in Wednesday evening for one more day of training and she’ll put me on the schedule to work on my own next Sunday. Two days of training doesn’t seem like enough to me, so I bring home the menu Sunday night so I can study it.

  As thrilled as I am about finally finding gainful employment, I’m not so sure about the uniform. Deb’s place is a cute little diner with a distinct retro feel, so in keeping with the vibe, all the waitresses have to wear quintessential diner garb—fitted red dresses with gingham aprons and high ponytails.

  I’m one step away from a cheerleader’s uniform, but instead of jumping around with pom poms shouting “go, team, go!” I’ve time-traveled here from 1950 and I’m carrying a tray with milkshakes and red, paper-lined baskets overflowing with fries.

  I feel like I’m dressing up for Halloween when I try it on, but at least I didn’t have to pay for it. Extras I’ll have to pay for, but the initial uniform is on Deb, I just have to return it if I ever stop working there.

  On Monday morning, I get another delivery—a bouquet of orange flowers this time, with a special edition of Anna Karenina. In place of a note, he included a quote from the book on the card.

  ‘One must find out what he is arguing for, what is precious to him...’

  In the context of the book, it’s hardly a romantic passage, but the way he singled out that line for me… the meaning feels much different.

  I sigh, unable to toss any of the gifts in the trash this time.

  He makes it a lot harder to stay mad at him when he courts me with books.

  I still don’t unblock his number, though.

  ___

  Between work, home, and school stuff, the week flies by.

  There’s a pep rally on Thursday to get everyone hyped up for the big homecoming game Friday night. Lucky me, I get to cover it for the school paper.

  As I push my way toward the front of the crowd, I look around for Sara. Normally we’d sit together at something like this, but I have to take pictures, so I can’t sit in the bleachers with her. Just when I’m worried she’ll be stuck sitting alone, I spot her among Valerie’s non-cheerleader pals. She’s talking to Sonja Menendez and doesn’t even see me.

  I don’t k
now how to feel about that situation, but I shove it away and focus on my assignment.

  Music fills the gymnasium. The varsity cheerleaders come out, bouncing, jumping, even doing the occasional cartwheel. The crowd gets loud as they cheer and hype everybody up. The MC talks them up, cracks some jokes, and makes a couple of borderline inappropriate comments before loudly urging the crowd to make some noise.

  The a cappella kids come out next. The cheerleaders hang back, brandishing their pom poms along with the tune as the a cappella kids start with a rendition of the national anthem, then sing one of the songs they’re practicing for the fall jam.

  Afterward, the MC talks some more about the cheerleaders. They go through a more complex cheer routine with backflips and flying and all sorts of flexible fuckery.

  I snap pictures and quietly hope that when it’s Valerie’s turn to fall, the people underneath will forget to catch her.

  No such luck.

  More music as the cheerleaders line up and dance and gyrate and clap.

  The MC says, “And you all know who they’re cheering for. Let’s hear it for our varsity football team!”

  The crowd screams, but not loud enough. The MC demands more noise, and the crowd obliges.

  There’s so much movement and noise in the gym, I can feel the vibrations inside my body. But when the football players start streaming out in their letter jackets and waving at the crowd, the thrumming inside me has nothing to do with the noise.

  I try to ignore the way my insides tense, how it feels like I’m holding my breath until I see Hunter.

  I thought he’d be leading the charge, but I guess they went for the save the best for last mentality, because he’s at the very back of the line. When he finally emerges and waves with that winning smile in place on his handsome face, the crowd loses their collective shit.

  I couldn’t care less about football, but the enthusiasm of the crowd is catching. Even I’m starting to feel a little foam-finger-wag of team spirit.

  At least, I am until the cheerleaders run over to usher the team to the folding chairs set up for them at the back of the room (apparently they can’t be trusted to find those themselves) and Valerie bounces over to give Hunter a kiss.