My cousins listened, asked questions, and in the end thanked me for explaining it to them. Louisa sneaked into the room and took her seat at the end of the table.
“So,” said Keeley, “you’re an artist?”
I nodded.
“Nora’s got a lot of paintings. Did you help her choose them?” asked Johnny.
I gestured at the walls. “If you mean these, I painted all of them.”
The three of them looked around in surprise. “All of these?” said Louisa. “They’re lovely!”
“Thanks.”
“That,” said Johnny, “would explain why Mum has so much religious art on her walls. I did wonder.”
“I had no idea,” said Keeley. “I’ve just seen you drawing those animal pictures for the kids.”
“Yeah...” I shrugged. “I’ve just been letting myself go lately and drawn whatever’s really inside. Turns out it’s a bunch of talking animals and cartoon stuff. So much for artistic greatness.”
The four of them laughed.
“These paintings here are all yours now, unless you want me to take any of them. I don’t mind if they’re not your thing.”
“We might need you to provide extra copies of the ones we both want,” said Johnny, and his sister nodded in agreement.
“Okay, speaking of paintings, I’ve got some that I don’t know what to do with. Hang on.” I went upstairs and got the three paintings of Paul. I kept them against my chest as I went downstairs so that the others couldn’t see what they were of. “Sooo, to make your mother get treatment, I bribed her and... I didn’t know. She wanted so badly to remember her marriage as the perfect love story, I helped her create those memories. I didn’t realize she was working to believe something that wasn’t quite that way.” I laid the three paintings on the table.
Johnny put his head to one side.
Keeley frowned.
Louisa leaned in and looked them over. “I’d quite like one of these,” she said.
“Yes, me too,” said Keeley.
“Really?” I said.
“It’s how I’d prefer to remember my father,” said Johnny. “You’ve made him look so handsome.”
“But still like himself,” said Keeley. “When I look at these, I think of how he did love us, and that’s what I want to remember about him.”
“Well,” I said, “they’re yours. I hope you’ll let me come visit sometimes and paint pictures of the kids and all that-”
“Oh would you?” Bea’s voice startled me a little. She sat so quietly, I’d forgotten she was there.
“Would you really?” said Johnny.
“Yeah, of course. It’s what I do.”
“That would be lovely,” said Keeley. “I’m so bad about getting photos, but imagine how posh I’d look with paintings of the family on my walls.”
“I know, sounds like the kind of thing nobility does,” agreed her brother.
“Me too,” said Louisa. “Can you make prints?”
“Of course.”
“That is extremely generous,” said Johnny.
“I’m no good at knitting them sweaters or hats or anything like that. I’m a bad Mormon auntie.”
Louisa cracked up at that. “I did look up how to make casseroles after the first munch and mingle at church.”
“Oh don’t start,” said Keeley. “I can’t even cook.”
A month ago, I never would have thought I’d be here, talking and laughing with my cousins. I didn’t realize how much family I had on this side of the pond, or how much I’d miss them.
“So are you moving back to the States?” said Johnny. “Or are you going to live here?”
“Um, what?”
“Our last fight with Mum was when she made you her heir.” Keeley said it matter of factly, like she didn’t even mind anymore.
I looked at Louisa who only shrugged.
“I won’t be inheriting,” I said. “Louisa’s going to help me get a lawyer to fix all that.”
“Fix it how?” said Johnny.
“To have you guys inherit instead of me. You’re her children.”
“Oh, you can’t just cut yourself out entirely,” said Johnny.
“You’re the one who looked after her all these years,” said Keeley. “She adored you.”
They exchanged a look, though, that made it clear they weren’t against the idea of getting some of the money for themselves.
“I don’t want any money – hey!” I turned to Louisa. “That’s why you were asking me nosy questions about how much I make? You thought I’d talked Nora into making me her heir?”
“I didn’t know you, dear. Just knew you were a gospel painter who spent rather a lot of time around her.”
“How much do you make?” asked Keeley.
“It depends on the year, but seriously, it doesn’t matter.”
“It can’t be that much,” said Louisa.
“Look, I house sit for my stepmother. I don’t pay rent or anything like that. I’m fine.”
But my cousins exchanged a knowing look. They knew what it was like to be poor.
“You’re not cutting yourself out entirely,” said Johnny.
“We’ll go in thirds,” agreed his sister.
“It’s my decision,” I said.
“We’ll sic Auntie Lou on you if you don’t agree,” said Johnny.
Louisa smiled, accepting the challenge.
I looked up at the ceiling. “Do what you want.” Even though I was the only person with legal rights in this situation, they’d gotten the upper hand.
In the end they did split everything three ways. Louisa got a lawyer who did all the paperwork and told me where to sign. Johnny got the house in Oxford. Keeley got the one in the south of France that I didn’t even know about. Bea had a somewhat dazed expression on her face as all of this unfolded. I learned that she’d never met Nora before, nor known about Johnny’s past. She’d expected to live on government benefits for the rest of her life, and now she and Johnny were looking into what private schools to send their children to.
The rest of my stay was like a whirlwind. Johnny made it clear that my room and my studio in the Oxford house would remain as they were, and I was most welcome there. It seemed like an odd prospect, now that Nora was gone, but if he wanted to put forth the effort to become close, the least I could do was reciprocate. I promised to visit again just before Christmas.
It felt odd to pack my things and close this chapter of my life. I boarded the plane for Portland with a couple of things I’d never had before: Friendships with my English cousins and financial security.
I arrived back in Portland in the evening and caught a cab home. Carrie’s house was just as I’d left it. Hattie was an impeccable house-sitter. Everything was dusted and vacuumed and there was a fresh carton of milk in the fridge.
It also felt bigger and emptier than it had before, which surprised me. I’d thought it might feel small after Nora’s mansion, but the last days I’d spent there, it had been so full of people and laughter and life. Now my little house echoed with silence. I’d already decided to ask Carrie if I could buy it from her. I knew how badly she wanted to sell it.
On the voicemail were two messages. One was from Chris asking if I was back in town and wanted him and his companion to come visit. The other was from Rachel, the Relief Society president. She wanted to know if I could teach a lesson two weeks ago, and I cringed when I heard it. I hoped she’d found someone else without too much trouble.
It was nine o’clock on Saturday night. I’d see Len at church in twelve hours. I wasn’t ready. I had an image of myself bursting into tears the moment he walked into the chapel.
So, I took a deep breath and called his cellphone. Colin had coached me and I willed myself to do this right.
“Hello?” he picked up after the first ring. This was a good sign. He could see my number on his display, so it wasn’t like he didn’t know who it was.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hey, Eliz
a.”
“How’ve you been?”
“All right. I’d ask you the same, but I know you’ve had better months.”
“It all ended pretty well, actually.”
“That’s good.”
“So, listen, I don’t want to harass you, but I do want to see you again.” I bit my lip. Did saying I didn’t want to harass him count as not harassing him?
“Yeah...”
“I’ve missed you.”
“I know you’ve been through a lot-”
“No, listen. Yes, this month has helped me realize a few things, and no, it hasn’t made me desperate to grab onto the nearest guy and never let go. It’s hard to call you like this, because I know I didn’t treat you very well. It’s embarrassing.”
“You don’t owe me another date to make up for that.”
“No, I think I owe it to you to leave you alone and let you move on, but I don’t want that.” I wanted to tell him again that I loved him, but I could just picture Colin making a cutting gesture across his throat.
“Listen... I don’t know.”
“Yeah, fine. I won’t pester you about it. I’ll just see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Have a good night.”
“You too.”
Again I wanted to say I loved him. This was the point in the conversation when he used to say he loved me. “Bye,” I said, and hung up after his response. “I love you,” I whispered into the phone, once the connection was cut. Had it hurt him this much to say it to me all those times, knowing I wouldn’t reply?
At church the next morning, Hattie met me in the foyer with her left hand extended. On it was a diamond ring.
“Wow,” I said.
“I know!” she squeaked.
“Since when?”
“Friday.” She beamed at me. “I wanted to tell you but not over the phone. You aren’t mad, are you?”
Mad? I thought. Then I took a moment to consider that. A month ago I wouldn’t have been mad, but I’d have been slighted. I’d have felt bitter that she had a fiancee and I was about to turn thirty-one without one, but my nice conversation exercises that Colin had insisted on were paying off already. I gave Hattie a hug.
She squealed right in my ear and hugged me back.
“How did he ask?” I wanted to know.
“Oh, so you saw.” That was Jenna. She stood behind me, her arms folded across her chest.
“How’ve you been?” I asked her.
She blinked at me.
Had I really been this awful and catty? A friendly greeting was an oddity from me?
“Fine,” she said.
“How’s work been?”
“Been good. Had my hard look review.”
“Okay, first I want to hear about the proposal-” I pointed at Hattie “-and then I want to hear about that.”
“He took me to the beach,” said Hattie, “and set up a table where we ate by candlelight and he got down on bended knee right before dessert.”
“Nice,” I said. The three of us moved into the chapel and found seats at the back.
“It was sooo romantic.”
“She’s been on and on about it,” said Jenna.
“How’d your review go?” I turned my attention to her.
“They said I was the best associate they’d had in years.”
“Wow! That is so great!”
“So, wait a minute,” said Hattie. “Like, three weeks ago, when I talked to you, you said you were gonna date some guy? Colin?”
“Oh, yeah.” I waved that away. “Didn’t happen, but we’re friends. He’s been a great friend.”
“I’m sorry,” said Jenna, who never showed compassion to anyone.
“It was for the best. Look, I know you’ll think I’m crazy for saying this, but I’m not over Len. I don’t want to be over Len. I miss him.”
“Lemme guess,” said Hattie, “you decided this last week?”
“Yeah.”
Jenna snickered.
“What?” I said. “What happened last week?”
“You don’t know?” Jenna looked me straight in the eye as if willing me to tell the truth.
I had no secrets to hide from her. Not about this. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Really.”
Motion out of the corner of my eye made me turn.
It was Len, standing in the aisle, or a guy who looked vaguely like Len, at least. He had a smartphone in his hand and a new trendy satchel slung over his shoulder. His burgundy shirt was brand new, as were his gray slacks. His hair was styled even, nothing complicated, just a little gel.
He was gorgeous now. Better looking than I’d envisioned him with all my artistic tricks. This guy wasn’t the ward loser anymore. He probably had all the younger, sweeter, prettier girls scratching each other’s faces over him. I wanted to die, just crawl under the nearest pew and curl up. Never had I felt older or plainer, but I made myself act sane. “Hi.”
He waved as if his hand were disconnected from his brain and he didn’t know he was doing it. Then he turned and walked up the aisle as if it were some winding path in the forest that he’d never been down before and he had to feel his way along.
“Yeah, he’s different now,” said Hattie.
“He’s kinda hot,” agreed Jenna.
“Since when did he... uh... So that’s what happened last week?”
“He’s still the same dork,” said his cousin. “Reads scriptures off his iPhone.”
“Has a computer voice read them when he teaches Sunday school,” supplied Jenna.
“I take it he’s dating someone,” I said.
But Hattie shook her head.
“His sister took him shopping,” said Jenna. “Or, that’s the gossip at least. Someone said his work had a new dress code.”
“He has been on dates with people,” said Hattie, “but he’s not officially dating anyone.”
I stole a glance at the front row. Len was busy reading off his phone, but two girls had settled in next to him and were trying to get his attention. He smiled and glanced in their direction, but they didn’t get anything more than that. Still, that was too much for me.
“I haven’t got a chance with him now, do I?”
“You really didn’t know? About his new look?” said Jenna.
I shook my head.
“I thought that was why you called him last week,” said Hattie.
“He tell you about that?”
“Mmm. You still have a chance with him. He’s still the same dork, remember?”
“If you want a chance with him,” said Jenna.
I never knew how hard guys had it. I kept my shoulders square and my head up as I walked past him on my way to Relief Society. “Hi,” I said, as if he were just an old friend.
He looked at me, slightly startled. “Hi.” Again with the awkward wave, and then he turned down a side hallway and disappeared.
I tried to pay attention in Relief Society, but my mind kept replaying that encounter, as if I might glean some hidden meaning from it. Before I knew it, everyone was singing the closing hymn. I mumbled my way along with them, then bowed my head for a closing prayer I didn’t hear, and then it was time to toughen up once more.
Hattie walked with me and gave me the occasional worried glance. I marched down the hall, off of which was the clerk’s office. The door was open, and Len was inside, lounging back in the chair, tapping away at the keyboard. “Hi,” I said again.
He looked with his eyes and didn’t turn his head. “Hi.” His fingers stopped typing.
Hattie raised an eyebrow at me and sped up, leaving me to pause in the doorway by myself. “I’d ask how you’ve been, but I already asked that half a day ago.”
“I’ve been fine. You?”
I shrugged.
“Hattie and Jenna approve of you talking to me now?”
“I don’t know. Didn’t ask.”
He swiveled to face me then, a look of genuine confusion on his face. �
�So, when you called up last week, you hadn’t talked to them about me?”
“I don’t talk to them about you. They’re my friends, but they can be a little judgmental, you know?” As if I were one to talk.
But Len didn’t press that point. “You thought you were still talking to the scruffy guy?”
“Mmmm-hmmm. Look, don’t get me wrong, you look nice, but not that nice. I hear you’re still the same person.”
He laughed, his blue eyes sparkling.
My heart just about melted, but I hid that as best I could. “And that’s what I care about. You don’t think I wanted another chance just because someone took you shopping, do you?”
“Weeeell...”
“Okay, fair enough. I was that shallow. I’m sorry.” Ouch did it hurt to say that, plain and clear, in public. There were still people walking down the hall, behind me.
He shrugged and waved a hand dismissively.
“Can I have another chance?” I said. I could just imagine Colin swatting me if he were there. “You promised not to pester him,” he’d say.
Len’s easy, relaxed posture faded. He sat up straighter, rested his elbows on his knees, and looked down at his clasped hands. “As flattering as that is, let’s not go there, okay?”
Emotion built in me like a tidal wave that I had to hold back with a thin veneer of confidence. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I was sorry, that things would really work this time. None of that, though, would convince him I was anything other than desperate. I had to do this the right way, the hard way. “Just, let me know if you change your mind. You can call me anytime, okay?” Was that too desperate, I wondered.
He looked at me as if he wasn’t sure he’d heard me right. “Um, okay.”
“See you later.” I took two careful steps away from the door, then dashed for the exit and my car.
Hattie stepped up beside me as I tried to unlock my door by punching the right button on my keychain. “Hey,” she said.
“Hi. I know, I’m being stupid.” I gave up on the keychain and collapsed against the side of the car.
“This hasn’t got anything to do with me getting engaged, does it?”
I shook my head. “I called Len before I even knew about that.”
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